Thankfully, it's the last day of the worst year. I have never been so eager to say good riddance! Yes, there have been other years I would never want to relive but this has got to be one hell of an exception. Somehow, it all feels like a bad dream.
As the headline says- AF is back in the house! She's finally made her appearance for the first time in one year. It's so strange to not have a period for a whole year. I don't know how they've created a pill that puts off periods for months. No one likes Aunt Flo, but she's part of being a girl! It was a nice vacation to not have one, but I have to say it is good to have her back. It is a sign that my body is moving on.
The cramps have been brutal and it was somewhat of a reminder of labor pains. No matter how I try to escape it, memories flow back at some point of my day everyday. In the hospital the nurse talked to me about post traumatic stress disorder since I was having bad nightmares when I would cramp up post partum. That's when the Zoloft promotion came into play. I was told that taking the little blue pill would not only cure my physical aches and pains but also that "shell shocked" feeling. Well, sorry to tell them but I am surviving without it.
As for the weight loss mission: I did great on Sat- Dh and I went to the gym. Again I did about 30 min of eliptical then 3 sets of legs and some abdominals. As for food- I ate yogurt, went to sweet tomatoes and loaded up on salad, then I don't think I ate very much that evening.
Sun- Lost another lb because I ate nothing at night. Today was the slip up. Started the day out with yogurt, then mahi sandwich for lunch- I did not ea the bread but I did eat fries, drank a bloody mary (way too much sodium), then a draft beer, and for dinner ate chinese (again the sodium) mostly it was veggies and chicken but I did eat some rice. the slip up was the chocolate candies someone brought from Brazil ugh! I can't believe I am saying this but the sugar was awful after going days without eating it.
I find that AF really can sabotage a diet. Whenever she arrives it's a mad craving for chocolate in dangerous doses (maybe along with chocolate's evil bf salt!) my appettite becomes ravenous for carbs, esp pasta! Even drinks can be dangerous. Usually I try to avoid alcohol at this time because where there is AF, there is a tendency for excess. Balance is the key- even on the
Monday, December 31, 2007
fashion or trashion?
OMG! So I'm watching the new fashions of 2008 on Good morning America. IF this is what people are really going to year in 08, it looks like this is going to be and interesting year!( or we are in serious trouble)
We've already seen the comeback of the 90's legging, even the colored ones. (ok maybe I just saw those in Brazil) This is comfortable with a dress or long shirt, although my butt won't allow me to get away with this look ten years later.
It appears that the flying nun look is back (flowing oversized collar), assymertical tops (good luck finding a bra) , shoulder pads? or was it just the oversized blazer look?, the 90's paint splash look (reminds me of the first sofa I bought from rooms2go in 1996.)
It's basically it's the year of my third grade language arts teacher Mrs. Zimbler. She had a saavy way of wearing mens button down shirts, flowy comfy yoga type pants. She always had some funky tribal braclets or tiny glasses with wild hair. What a fun lady! She was always positive and happy.
I think looking good is necessary, but style belongs to each individual. Life is so much easier when you live comfortble and natural without worrying about what everyone else is thinking about your clothes. Feeling good is always in style.
We've already seen the comeback of the 90's legging, even the colored ones. (ok maybe I just saw those in Brazil) This is comfortable with a dress or long shirt, although my butt won't allow me to get away with this look ten years later.
It appears that the flying nun look is back (flowing oversized collar), assymertical tops (good luck finding a bra) , shoulder pads? or was it just the oversized blazer look?, the 90's paint splash look (reminds me of the first sofa I bought from rooms2go in 1996.)
It's basically it's the year of my third grade language arts teacher Mrs. Zimbler. She had a saavy way of wearing mens button down shirts, flowy comfy yoga type pants. She always had some funky tribal braclets or tiny glasses with wild hair. What a fun lady! She was always positive and happy.
I think looking good is necessary, but style belongs to each individual. Life is so much easier when you live comfortble and natural without worrying about what everyone else is thinking about your clothes. Feeling good is always in style.
Friday, December 28, 2007
the great amount of weight
From this day forward I've decided I am going to keep my blogs focused on postpartum weightloss. I am feeling kind of motivated after losing 3 lbs during the holiday week. (despite the fact that I ate cheesecake, drank alcohol and had lasagna amoung other things).
I've learned that postpartum weightloss is so difficult. The pregnancy not only messes up our hormones, but it seems like the sagging has begun. Gravity is not helping me out here, my belly is looking like the front end of a volkswagon and my thighs are like melting candles. ok, so I'm being funny but I am serious about losing the weight, even though weight loss is typically difficult for me. Forget genetics, diets and doctors, I will do it! Getting in shape is the most important factor in my healing process. The day when my body no longer has evidence of this pregnancy will be the one when I can think about going into another one with confidence.
Diets don't particularly work for me. Yes I've been a 15 lbs yo-yo for most of my life. When I was in high school I was on weight watchers. There's nothing wrong with WW, but for me it is too many food options. And there is not much focus on exercise other than walking. Walking is good cardio and some activity is better than none, but to fight the gravity of sag, one must do LOTS of cardio and moderatly build up to weight lifting.
The most amount I have ever lost was around 30-40lbs, at which time I worked out with a trainer whom I learned so much from. He corrected many of my eating habits- low carb but lots of lean protein, don't bother eating iceburg lettuce (no nutritional value, instead romaine), whole grain breads over white, eating small amounts of food throughout the day rather than 3 meals - or starving myself.
Other rules I follow to lose weight- eat nothing processed. I know it's easy for someone with a schedule like mine to say no to Lean cuisine...It's a pain in the butt- but eat only fresh fruits, veggies, and anything that did not come from a can, or box. Why because the preservatives they use in these foods do us no favor.
Fast food equals fat food and I notice the more I stay away from it the faster I lose. in a pinch I will eat wendy's chilli, chik fil a grilled chicken, or a wrap but again, these foods are not what we should put into our bodies. The sodium content is too high. again...its preservatives.
I also drink lots of water. I don't drink diet sodas, only an occasional tea. Sometimes I enjoy sugarfree hotcocoa if I am craving sweets. Sugar has got to be the worst thing ever (but OH SO good!) I think this 3 lbs came about since I stopped eating anything with sugar (with the exception of juniors cheesecake on xmas) I only use Splenda in my coffee. (not a fan of artificial sweetners either, but its better than nothing)
It's not going to be easy by any means, but I believe that I can do it- anyone can. The most important factor is to love ourselves- yes love all of the cellulite, flabby chicken arms, thunder thighs and all! It is only then that we can visualize ourselves as fit, healthy. From the way I see it,. this is the beginning to being sucessful. humans spend too much time focusing on what we don't like about ourselves, not realizing that when we focus on those things as they are- they cannot change.
My fav quote- "If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten!"
I've learned that postpartum weightloss is so difficult. The pregnancy not only messes up our hormones, but it seems like the sagging has begun. Gravity is not helping me out here, my belly is looking like the front end of a volkswagon and my thighs are like melting candles. ok, so I'm being funny but I am serious about losing the weight, even though weight loss is typically difficult for me. Forget genetics, diets and doctors, I will do it! Getting in shape is the most important factor in my healing process. The day when my body no longer has evidence of this pregnancy will be the one when I can think about going into another one with confidence.
Diets don't particularly work for me. Yes I've been a 15 lbs yo-yo for most of my life. When I was in high school I was on weight watchers. There's nothing wrong with WW, but for me it is too many food options. And there is not much focus on exercise other than walking. Walking is good cardio and some activity is better than none, but to fight the gravity of sag, one must do LOTS of cardio and moderatly build up to weight lifting.
The most amount I have ever lost was around 30-40lbs, at which time I worked out with a trainer whom I learned so much from. He corrected many of my eating habits- low carb but lots of lean protein, don't bother eating iceburg lettuce (no nutritional value, instead romaine), whole grain breads over white, eating small amounts of food throughout the day rather than 3 meals - or starving myself.
Other rules I follow to lose weight- eat nothing processed. I know it's easy for someone with a schedule like mine to say no to Lean cuisine...It's a pain in the butt- but eat only fresh fruits, veggies, and anything that did not come from a can, or box. Why because the preservatives they use in these foods do us no favor.
Fast food equals fat food and I notice the more I stay away from it the faster I lose. in a pinch I will eat wendy's chilli, chik fil a grilled chicken, or a wrap but again, these foods are not what we should put into our bodies. The sodium content is too high. again...its preservatives.
I also drink lots of water. I don't drink diet sodas, only an occasional tea. Sometimes I enjoy sugarfree hotcocoa if I am craving sweets. Sugar has got to be the worst thing ever (but OH SO good!) I think this 3 lbs came about since I stopped eating anything with sugar (with the exception of juniors cheesecake on xmas) I only use Splenda in my coffee. (not a fan of artificial sweetners either, but its better than nothing)
It's not going to be easy by any means, but I believe that I can do it- anyone can. The most important factor is to love ourselves- yes love all of the cellulite, flabby chicken arms, thunder thighs and all! It is only then that we can visualize ourselves as fit, healthy. From the way I see it,. this is the beginning to being sucessful. humans spend too much time focusing on what we don't like about ourselves, not realizing that when we focus on those things as they are- they cannot change.
My fav quote- "If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten!"
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Home from Brazil
Jetlag is a killer today but I feel refreshed even with little sleep. After 12 days in Brazil, both dh and I feel the winds of change sweeping into 2008. It's not usually a convienient time for us to travel this time of year but we were invited to a wedding (dh's bf) also, it was good for dh to see his family and friends.
This was my second trip to brazil and I cannot say enough about how wonderful it is. It is a beautiful country with diverse cultures, dreamy beaches (and yes, beautiful fun people), great food, clothes and incredible fruit. Whether on the beach or in the city the energy is exciting and new. I still haven't mastered portuguese but every trip it's getting better.
Overall, we had a wonderful time. The only difficult part was once again having to discuss the loss of Julia with friends and family face to face. People have been wonderful and dh has learned to discuss it more openly..since he was the one providing the explaination when people asked. It becomes too much for him if others cry, then he tries to change the subject. It meant a lot to be in the company of friends who expressed their support.
I see my husband in a different light when we visit his country, and I fall in love all over again. He has a huge circle of really great friends who adore him as much as I do. And he is most happy when he can show me places he worked, played and lived in a world that seemed so different.
This was my second trip to brazil and I cannot say enough about how wonderful it is. It is a beautiful country with diverse cultures, dreamy beaches (and yes, beautiful fun people), great food, clothes and incredible fruit. Whether on the beach or in the city the energy is exciting and new. I still haven't mastered portuguese but every trip it's getting better.
Overall, we had a wonderful time. The only difficult part was once again having to discuss the loss of Julia with friends and family face to face. People have been wonderful and dh has learned to discuss it more openly..since he was the one providing the explaination when people asked. It becomes too much for him if others cry, then he tries to change the subject. It meant a lot to be in the company of friends who expressed their support.
I see my husband in a different light when we visit his country, and I fall in love all over again. He has a huge circle of really great friends who adore him as much as I do. And he is most happy when he can show me places he worked, played and lived in a world that seemed so different.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
On Christmas day I watched the Secret with my mom. Now I've blogged a lot about the Secret because I do believe in it. And somehow, I've known about it since I was a child. Always an insomniac, I listened to soft, positive music at night and 'I would visualize my future. If there was something I wanted, I would really concentrate on it and somehow, things would happen.
My husband, also a Secret Believer, is one of my secret manifestions. There have been a lot of frogs before I met my prince, but I always knew what I was looking for in the person I would marry. When I was a teenager I wrote down a list of qualities I dreamed of in a future husband. From what I can remember the list was something like: calm, easygoing, international- well traveled, funny, cute-dark hair, tall, good listener (well maybe not), not religous but spiritual, loves nature, honest,sweet yada, yada.As I got older, I did not forgot about the list, but I forgot the dream and began creating patterns of attracting what I did not want. happen to find it in my old diary recently. It's scary to see how I was basically describing Rafael to a T!
The Secret has not only worked for me in relationships, but I have even seen how it works with almost anything you desire, jobs, getting in shape. It is not as easy as it sounds, because it seems that there is often some demon we all have wrestled at one time or another telling us our desire is an impossibility.
I've blogged about the secret many times, and I have recently had a few people respond asking about tragic things like rape, bad accidents, etc The question is- don't some things just happen as a random destiny? Is it our faulty thinking that causes something bad to happen? This is the part I struggle with.
I responded with my story, I have seen how some manifestations are the result of what we want and some of what we do not want. I think it's true that we often focus so much on the things that we don't want, we attract them. My mom kept telling me not to blame myself for what has happened with Julia. But I do believe that I sent out a lot of negative vibes- I focused on the wrong things, even though I was happy about the baby. I was obsessed about the weight gain, the physical discomforts as well as the emotional changes- would my life be the same with a baby? Could I finish school? Would I be a good mom?
I spent too much time allowing my thoughts to ponder off into self doubt and fear. People said those kind emotions may be "normal"( there it is my least fav word!) But dwelling on them can have a toxic effect. And quite obviously, it did. I was putting limits on my potential as a parent before it even happened. There was a voice in my head that was telling me, I've got to change my thoughts.
Now as painful as it is, I have come to the realization that my loss was meant to change my life. Sort of a life detour.Every aspect is changed from career to relationships. The road seems rough and dark, but if I focus on the stretch a mile at a time, I will see the sun again
My husband, also a Secret Believer, is one of my secret manifestions. There have been a lot of frogs before I met my prince, but I always knew what I was looking for in the person I would marry. When I was a teenager I wrote down a list of qualities I dreamed of in a future husband. From what I can remember the list was something like: calm, easygoing, international- well traveled, funny, cute-dark hair, tall, good listener (well maybe not), not religous but spiritual, loves nature, honest,sweet yada, yada.As I got older, I did not forgot about the list, but I forgot the dream and began creating patterns of attracting what I did not want. happen to find it in my old diary recently. It's scary to see how I was basically describing Rafael to a T!
The Secret has not only worked for me in relationships, but I have even seen how it works with almost anything you desire, jobs, getting in shape. It is not as easy as it sounds, because it seems that there is often some demon we all have wrestled at one time or another telling us our desire is an impossibility.
I've blogged about the secret many times, and I have recently had a few people respond asking about tragic things like rape, bad accidents, etc The question is- don't some things just happen as a random destiny? Is it our faulty thinking that causes something bad to happen? This is the part I struggle with.
I responded with my story, I have seen how some manifestations are the result of what we want and some of what we do not want. I think it's true that we often focus so much on the things that we don't want, we attract them. My mom kept telling me not to blame myself for what has happened with Julia. But I do believe that I sent out a lot of negative vibes- I focused on the wrong things, even though I was happy about the baby. I was obsessed about the weight gain, the physical discomforts as well as the emotional changes- would my life be the same with a baby? Could I finish school? Would I be a good mom?
I spent too much time allowing my thoughts to ponder off into self doubt and fear. People said those kind emotions may be "normal"( there it is my least fav word!) But dwelling on them can have a toxic effect. And quite obviously, it did. I was putting limits on my potential as a parent before it even happened. There was a voice in my head that was telling me, I've got to change my thoughts.
Now as painful as it is, I have come to the realization that my loss was meant to change my life. Sort of a life detour.Every aspect is changed from career to relationships. The road seems rough and dark, but if I focus on the stretch a mile at a time, I will see the sun again
Friday, December 21, 2007
Christmas has been canceled....
I woke up once again at my thinking hour, 4am. It is at this time when I do a lot of reflecting, planning and sometimes mourning. With everything dark, quiet, silent I can really explore my feelings without someone monitoring them. I've dreaded the holidays, everytime I see a baby's first Christmas item in a store it drives a hole through my heart. I wonder what Julia would look like and how old she would be. I think I will always wonder.
Scattered in my living room are the box of decorations that I cannot bring myself to put up. We did not bother with a tree but dh put up lights on the outside of the house and a wreath on the door. From the outside of our home, it looks festive and Christmas"y". But on the inside, it's not Christmas. It's the same living room that I've spent the last several months secluded myself in. It's funny how similiar I feel to this house...on the outside to others I am a smile, a warm greeting but on the inside a lonely cavern.
All I can do is make bigger plans for 2008. I've found that the more things I can change the better I will feel. Grief books say not to make any major changes for one year after your loss. Are they kidding? I think when something bad happens that one cannot control it's ok to want to change anything that we have the power to control. In my book this is called getting back our power or awakening the goddess within. So, my plans? Remodel my house, lose weight, change my job- maybe go back to school, my haircolor, and even my thoughts- get rid of all that do not serve me in a positive light.
Even though I am sending Christmas cards, I guess I am kind of skipping through it in my mind. It is more to thank all those family and friends who sent me cards and flowers when I went through the "unbirth". The message in my cards is simple and universal- Peace. The real meaning behind Christmas.
Scattered in my living room are the box of decorations that I cannot bring myself to put up. We did not bother with a tree but dh put up lights on the outside of the house and a wreath on the door. From the outside of our home, it looks festive and Christmas"y". But on the inside, it's not Christmas. It's the same living room that I've spent the last several months secluded myself in. It's funny how similiar I feel to this house...on the outside to others I am a smile, a warm greeting but on the inside a lonely cavern.
All I can do is make bigger plans for 2008. I've found that the more things I can change the better I will feel. Grief books say not to make any major changes for one year after your loss. Are they kidding? I think when something bad happens that one cannot control it's ok to want to change anything that we have the power to control. In my book this is called getting back our power or awakening the goddess within. So, my plans? Remodel my house, lose weight, change my job- maybe go back to school, my haircolor, and even my thoughts- get rid of all that do not serve me in a positive light.
Even though I am sending Christmas cards, I guess I am kind of skipping through it in my mind. It is more to thank all those family and friends who sent me cards and flowers when I went through the "unbirth". The message in my cards is simple and universal- Peace. The real meaning behind Christmas.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
The Jamie Lynn trainwreck
Ok, since I am back on the planet, I have to comment on this Jamie Lynn trainwreck, as they put it. To begin with, fame is a lot to handle at a young age. Just look at how many of the child stars are all screwed up because they grew up in the public eye. Why? In my opinion, these parents put their kids in a position where they are vulnerable to areas of maturity when they need to still be a kid- eg going through high school, learning about life without everything being handed to them. And sometimes its like they pimp out their children to the devil in order to make themselves capitalize.
Yes, it is unfortunate teenage pregnancy does happen. Even though some of the best moms I know today may have been young, I am sure everyone can agree that it robs these girls at some of the most important years of our womanhood foundation.Pregnancy is a huge mental and physical alteration- I don't know how I would have ever handled it at 16 (I'm 31!) esp the loss part..I'd probably go insane for sure.
Jamie Lynn is going to glamorize it and I think it's going to piss off parents everywhere when their girl comes home and says "but mom if jamielynn can be a mom I can do it too!" Britney wanted to be a young mom and she's done a great job- had them taken away only twice, gets them zoom treatments on their teeth, takes them tanning, and even lets them drive at 10 mos. cool mommy.
While I cannot judge Lynn Spears, I think she should have been more careful for what she wished for. After what happened with trainwreck #1, didn't she talk to her about the pill, condoms, a chastity belt?
Sorry, I would not be doing any interview with a magazine . I'd take that girl out of the public glam and show her how real life is. In the real world people have to work hard to finish school with a baby. And quite often, they don't have the same luxuries as she does. And the boy- well lets just say he would have to get a j-o-b.
Now it seems to be all over the media "what should we tell our teens"? Talk to them about birth control and even more important- hiv, herpes, hpv, etc. What ever happened to those commercials? Oh I think the pharmacuetical companies replaced the warnings with Valtrex- just take a pill and go hang gliding...it's not like you will ever have to deal with the emotions of having herpes again. We don't see commercials that deal with the prevention of stds. And even though I thought the Trojan ad where the pigs in the bar turn into men after they purchase condoms, it says nothing about disease.
It's obvious people- we are giving the wrong message to kids these days.
Yes, it is unfortunate teenage pregnancy does happen. Even though some of the best moms I know today may have been young, I am sure everyone can agree that it robs these girls at some of the most important years of our womanhood foundation.Pregnancy is a huge mental and physical alteration- I don't know how I would have ever handled it at 16 (I'm 31!) esp the loss part..I'd probably go insane for sure.
Jamie Lynn is going to glamorize it and I think it's going to piss off parents everywhere when their girl comes home and says "but mom if jamielynn can be a mom I can do it too!" Britney wanted to be a young mom and she's done a great job- had them taken away only twice, gets them zoom treatments on their teeth, takes them tanning, and even lets them drive at 10 mos. cool mommy.
While I cannot judge Lynn Spears, I think she should have been more careful for what she wished for. After what happened with trainwreck #1, didn't she talk to her about the pill, condoms, a chastity belt?
Sorry, I would not be doing any interview with a magazine . I'd take that girl out of the public glam and show her how real life is. In the real world people have to work hard to finish school with a baby. And quite often, they don't have the same luxuries as she does. And the boy- well lets just say he would have to get a j-o-b.
Now it seems to be all over the media "what should we tell our teens"? Talk to them about birth control and even more important- hiv, herpes, hpv, etc. What ever happened to those commercials? Oh I think the pharmacuetical companies replaced the warnings with Valtrex- just take a pill and go hang gliding...it's not like you will ever have to deal with the emotions of having herpes again. We don't see commercials that deal with the prevention of stds. And even though I thought the Trojan ad where the pigs in the bar turn into men after they purchase condoms, it says nothing about disease.
It's obvious people- we are giving the wrong message to kids these days.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
a few things i like about brasil
Since I lost the rest of "the brazil blog" here's the last of it.....
Things I love about Brazil- Fresh, unprocessed food (actually lost wt on this trip)
beaches,Bohemia beer, capirinha,- dangerous combo.
full service gas stations- I forgot how to pump gas?
street vendors that sell useful items like car phone chargers, gum, brooms, feather dusters (in case you get a cleaning bug) and those chicken cutlet looking breast inhancements you put in a bra (in case you are going to a party and the push up bra isn't working) all while you sit in traffic! It's like Walmart started a curbside drive thru lol
chivalry is never dead- men get insulted if you try to pick up your own bags, open your door.
they mean to be green- they use natural gas, alcohol, donkey poop (j/k), just about anything to save from burning oil.
style is your own- who cares if your colors don't match
they like disco music (and lots of the same stuff we listen to now) but I will never forget the first thing I saw on my last trip was a bunch of guys dancing to "it's raining men"- in the airport parking lot. It was obvious they didn't know the lyrics.
people are fun and carefree- they play soccer and have bbq just anywhere- if not on the beach, what the hell, the side of the highway- seriously!
Things I don't like:
Electric showers- not cool, it takes forever to get warm (dh says think of a toaster- problem is I have no patience)
The city weather is crappy on fine hair...and if you are looking for spray in conditioner, good luck:)
driving on mountainous roads (except for the view)
mosquitos in Ihla Bela are brutal. I had so many I had to cover my legs since the smallpox look is not sexy!
paper products suck (toilet paper,tampons- no they don't have pearl drop or easyglide)
those who are too caught up in vanity or being a label whore
when chivalry turns to chauvinism- "only men are allowed to do shots" huh?
oh and ladies, this is no place to be jealous- there may be lots of breasts on tv over the weekend and numerous in the street (but there's just as much window shopping going on for us too :) Lucky for him, dh is a good boy, I know he notices, but kind of acts like it's just something he's used to.
Speedos on men- I cleared this up with dh early on. He quickly and permanantly switched to the longer swim trunks after he found out in America chics won't dig it, but the guys will lol.
Things I love about Brazil- Fresh, unprocessed food (actually lost wt on this trip)
beaches,Bohemia beer, capirinha,- dangerous combo.
full service gas stations- I forgot how to pump gas?
street vendors that sell useful items like car phone chargers, gum, brooms, feather dusters (in case you get a cleaning bug) and those chicken cutlet looking breast inhancements you put in a bra (in case you are going to a party and the push up bra isn't working) all while you sit in traffic! It's like Walmart started a curbside drive thru lol
chivalry is never dead- men get insulted if you try to pick up your own bags, open your door.
they mean to be green- they use natural gas, alcohol, donkey poop (j/k), just about anything to save from burning oil.
style is your own- who cares if your colors don't match
they like disco music (and lots of the same stuff we listen to now) but I will never forget the first thing I saw on my last trip was a bunch of guys dancing to "it's raining men"- in the airport parking lot. It was obvious they didn't know the lyrics.
people are fun and carefree- they play soccer and have bbq just anywhere- if not on the beach, what the hell, the side of the highway- seriously!
Things I don't like:
Electric showers- not cool, it takes forever to get warm (dh says think of a toaster- problem is I have no patience)
The city weather is crappy on fine hair...and if you are looking for spray in conditioner, good luck:)
driving on mountainous roads (except for the view)
mosquitos in Ihla Bela are brutal. I had so many I had to cover my legs since the smallpox look is not sexy!
paper products suck (toilet paper,tampons- no they don't have pearl drop or easyglide)
those who are too caught up in vanity or being a label whore
when chivalry turns to chauvinism- "only men are allowed to do shots" huh?
oh and ladies, this is no place to be jealous- there may be lots of breasts on tv over the weekend and numerous in the street (but there's just as much window shopping going on for us too :) Lucky for him, dh is a good boy, I know he notices, but kind of acts like it's just something he's used to.
Speedos on men- I cleared this up with dh early on. He quickly and permanantly switched to the longer swim trunks after he found out in America chics won't dig it, but the guys will lol.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
tired
its a sunday that i want to stay in and do nothing. my emotions, my marriage, my grief, the holidays and finances are straining all I've got lately. i shouldn't complain because I am getting away in a few days to a place that is part of my life, Brazil...(dh home country). We are going to a wedding, and it's an essential get away for dh. He needs to connect with his family and friends after all that has happened.
I read in one of the numerous spirtual books friends have passed on that when a baby or child passes it is a test for parents. many people do not pass, they don't recognize that we all grieve differently. At which point impatience sets in and resentment builds. Comunication and understanding is the only way we can make it through. It is my only hope that we will surivive the pain that is driving through us without it creating a distance. Dh is a wonderful light that has changed my life, without him I would be lost. He has taught me to "always believe" in myself, in our relationship, and in manifesting what seems like the impossible. Seeing him sad kills me, I know this trip will have a healing effect on both of us.
I read in one of the numerous spirtual books friends have passed on that when a baby or child passes it is a test for parents. many people do not pass, they don't recognize that we all grieve differently. At which point impatience sets in and resentment builds. Comunication and understanding is the only way we can make it through. It is my only hope that we will surivive the pain that is driving through us without it creating a distance. Dh is a wonderful light that has changed my life, without him I would be lost. He has taught me to "always believe" in myself, in our relationship, and in manifesting what seems like the impossible. Seeing him sad kills me, I know this trip will have a healing effect on both of us.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
the planets
Even though I am not exactly looking forward to the holidays, moving forward in time is a relief. This past weekend, there has been a full moon and a major shifting out there in our solar system. sounding crazy, but I not only belief that we are affected by planetary energies, but I know it. The notion that the full moon brings out the "craziness" has got truth to it. Working in the hospital, we saw more emotional illness during this time and also more women go into labor during a full moon. And ironically, the day I lost Julia was during a lunar eclipse. the night before, I could feel something was not right and even Kitty was behaving strange, even the cat was trying to tell me something.
Anyway, because there is a transition going on somewhere in the cosmos, it's bringing about times of change here. I am doing my best to follow it in a positive light, it is an emotional tide mixed with holidays...great combo. My bf and I often joke about the planets being screwed up and blame them for all the fuckups in our life. I guess I started this after I had a crazy roomate in the keys. She was from brooklyn, with her nyc accent it was hilarious to hear her talking about astrology and her life. She was way ahead of me in the charts, and at that time it was saturn return for her. This the years between 27-30 where everything "hits you in the face" meaning you have realizations of things you may want to accomplish or reflect on things you have (or not). I have a series of saturn blogs somewhere out there...mine involved settling down and getting married- creation of home. I made the right choice, I adore dh and really feel that he is my soulmate.
Argggggggggh...my soulmate is decorating for christmas today. While I am trying to relax, he is climbing a huge tree in our front yard. I can tell this afternoon is going to involve alcohol......
Anyway, because there is a transition going on somewhere in the cosmos, it's bringing about times of change here. I am doing my best to follow it in a positive light, it is an emotional tide mixed with holidays...great combo. My bf and I often joke about the planets being screwed up and blame them for all the fuckups in our life. I guess I started this after I had a crazy roomate in the keys. She was from brooklyn, with her nyc accent it was hilarious to hear her talking about astrology and her life. She was way ahead of me in the charts, and at that time it was saturn return for her. This the years between 27-30 where everything "hits you in the face" meaning you have realizations of things you may want to accomplish or reflect on things you have (or not). I have a series of saturn blogs somewhere out there...mine involved settling down and getting married- creation of home. I made the right choice, I adore dh and really feel that he is my soulmate.
Argggggggggh...my soulmate is decorating for christmas today. While I am trying to relax, he is climbing a huge tree in our front yard. I can tell this afternoon is going to involve alcohol......
Friday, November 23, 2007
after the turkey
I've been dreading the holidays because its a time to remind me of the part of my family that is missing. Thanksgiving is a day to be thankful for what you have and all i could think about is what I don't. I guess I can say I was ok at putting on a front all day. Under controlled tears and crankiness left me feeling like a shaken soda by the end of the day.
It was after we left my parents that dh and i really got into it. He's pointed out that I can't seem to get my life back together, I've not been contributing my part these days, yada, yada, yada. It's all like radio talk to me, I'm living in a different reality than he can even understand. Yes, he is greving too but last night I made him understand how men are from mars and women are from venus. And this venusian is hurting, no matter how much I can convince people that I'm ok, I'm actually broken. And when something doesn't function, well, it's broken.
As a holistic practioner, I help people find balance in the health of their mind, body and spirit. these days, I find that it is not only difficult but impossible to continue with this when I can't even put the pieces of my life back together. My mind is a mess of emotions, my body is like a foreign country- I cannot lose weight or get even close to the shape I was in, my spirit feels like it's been raped. I have always been very spiritual and have tried to maintain my faith but it's hard to believe in anything anymore. I've always walked around thanking God for giving me a beautiful marriage, a great career, a loving family and everything in my life. My attitude is anything but greatful- I admit it. I'm cyncial, pissed and angry...all of the emotions that I promised I would not allow in my heart.
If only I had realized the simplier times in life....
It was after we left my parents that dh and i really got into it. He's pointed out that I can't seem to get my life back together, I've not been contributing my part these days, yada, yada, yada. It's all like radio talk to me, I'm living in a different reality than he can even understand. Yes, he is greving too but last night I made him understand how men are from mars and women are from venus. And this venusian is hurting, no matter how much I can convince people that I'm ok, I'm actually broken. And when something doesn't function, well, it's broken.
As a holistic practioner, I help people find balance in the health of their mind, body and spirit. these days, I find that it is not only difficult but impossible to continue with this when I can't even put the pieces of my life back together. My mind is a mess of emotions, my body is like a foreign country- I cannot lose weight or get even close to the shape I was in, my spirit feels like it's been raped. I have always been very spiritual and have tried to maintain my faith but it's hard to believe in anything anymore. I've always walked around thanking God for giving me a beautiful marriage, a great career, a loving family and everything in my life. My attitude is anything but greatful- I admit it. I'm cyncial, pissed and angry...all of the emotions that I promised I would not allow in my heart.
If only I had realized the simplier times in life....
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Aunt Flo's plane was highjacked
It's been a while since I have had the time to think about my problems since so many others around me are going through some sort of a challenge these days. I've said it before and I say it again, I'm so looking forward to letting go of 2007. Yes I would chalk it up as the worst year ever.
Since the birth, I've felt like a visitor in my own body. It's not just the extra 30 pounds, it's been Ibs, joint pain, and possible thyroid problems. I'm not sure what to expect next. I was expecting to see aunt flo by now, but she has still not arrived, even 2 wks after the milk dried up, no arrival. I have been told that it is normal- here we go with that word- to not have a period for up to 4 mos and sometimes even longer.
I've been feeling that impeding sense of doom that AF was on her way in, the crampy feeling, the back pain, skin changes, the bitchiness- overwhelming desire to go coco for cocopuffs j/k! I know the tide is rolling in, but no sign of her. DH suggested that I go buy a test, but i am not sure I want to know...I'm just not ready- mentally or physically.
Of course, if i am i will make immediate changes in my life as i did before, but i will be a fanatic and i cannot help it. call me crunchy- but after what i went thru it's going to be an organic diet with no exceptions. i also plan on having a fetal heart monitor and very frequent ultrasounds.
a friend of ours is having her baby today. she is 10 days past her due date.i cannot believe how many times they sent her home. sorry, but if it was me, i will threaten to induce my own labor in the parking lot- see how fast they WILL induce! sadly, i cannot go near that hospital to see her, it just freaks me out.
Since the birth, I've felt like a visitor in my own body. It's not just the extra 30 pounds, it's been Ibs, joint pain, and possible thyroid problems. I'm not sure what to expect next. I was expecting to see aunt flo by now, but she has still not arrived, even 2 wks after the milk dried up, no arrival. I have been told that it is normal- here we go with that word- to not have a period for up to 4 mos and sometimes even longer.
I've been feeling that impeding sense of doom that AF was on her way in, the crampy feeling, the back pain, skin changes, the bitchiness- overwhelming desire to go coco for cocopuffs j/k! I know the tide is rolling in, but no sign of her. DH suggested that I go buy a test, but i am not sure I want to know...I'm just not ready- mentally or physically.
Of course, if i am i will make immediate changes in my life as i did before, but i will be a fanatic and i cannot help it. call me crunchy- but after what i went thru it's going to be an organic diet with no exceptions. i also plan on having a fetal heart monitor and very frequent ultrasounds.
a friend of ours is having her baby today. she is 10 days past her due date.i cannot believe how many times they sent her home. sorry, but if it was me, i will threaten to induce my own labor in the parking lot- see how fast they WILL induce! sadly, i cannot go near that hospital to see her, it just freaks me out.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Don't take it personal!
I've made a very conscious decision from day one of this ordeal that when I am faced with people I don't get mad at them for not knowing what to say or saying the wrong thing. I understand that there is a stumbling for words in a case like this. I wouldn't know what to say either.
I do appreciate it when people acknowledge the fact that I even had a baby, and no she wasn't a fetus, she was a 7.12lb full size baby. I don't think they realize that. Yesterday, a co worker and friend of dh stopped by the house. she greeted me with, do you have any news? and I looked at her like what news? She quickly appologized and told me that dh gave some indication that I might be pregnant. I told her not for a while.
Here's where it gets painful, dh wants another pregnancy to happen right away. I can't do it. As much as I want to replace this void, I know there is no replacing Julia. First, I need to consider my health- I need to lose at least 30lbs. It takes me forever to lose weight...I need to eat close to nothing and workout like a monster. (I have lucky genes) This is my struggle everyday- another reason I am dreading the holidays!
Now for the things that people say that I can't help but think are stupid- by telling me there is a very slim chance of this ever happening to me again. Not true- I've heard of other women that have had repeated stillbirths- knowing this alone kills me. Until I have every test known to man and investigate all reports of the autopsy, I can't try again. My mom gets very upset when I say that, but my body is like a foreign country these days.
2- That dh and I are "young". I'm almost 32 but my joints are more like 52.
3- my fav comment from dh bf, that the fun part is making more. while this may be true, it's the 9 mos of worrying and then labor- not going to be fun.
Another one of my fav. books, the four agreements has reminded me of one of them- don't take anything personally. I'm ok with that. I've also applied this principle to the higher power. There is nothing to be taken personal with God, destiny is predetermined.
I do appreciate it when people acknowledge the fact that I even had a baby, and no she wasn't a fetus, she was a 7.12lb full size baby. I don't think they realize that. Yesterday, a co worker and friend of dh stopped by the house. she greeted me with, do you have any news? and I looked at her like what news? She quickly appologized and told me that dh gave some indication that I might be pregnant. I told her not for a while.
Here's where it gets painful, dh wants another pregnancy to happen right away. I can't do it. As much as I want to replace this void, I know there is no replacing Julia. First, I need to consider my health- I need to lose at least 30lbs. It takes me forever to lose weight...I need to eat close to nothing and workout like a monster. (I have lucky genes) This is my struggle everyday- another reason I am dreading the holidays!
Now for the things that people say that I can't help but think are stupid- by telling me there is a very slim chance of this ever happening to me again. Not true- I've heard of other women that have had repeated stillbirths- knowing this alone kills me. Until I have every test known to man and investigate all reports of the autopsy, I can't try again. My mom gets very upset when I say that, but my body is like a foreign country these days.
2- That dh and I are "young". I'm almost 32 but my joints are more like 52.
3- my fav comment from dh bf, that the fun part is making more. while this may be true, it's the 9 mos of worrying and then labor- not going to be fun.
Another one of my fav. books, the four agreements has reminded me of one of them- don't take anything personally. I'm ok with that. I've also applied this principle to the higher power. There is nothing to be taken personal with God, destiny is predetermined.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Bah humbug!
it's beginning to look a lot like christmas and I'm not liking it. So call me a grinch, I am tired of the commercialism of the holidays. Even before we were done with halloween there's christmas trees everywhere.
ironically, everytime I open a catalog i see baby's first christmas items, and it hurts. although, i've gotten so used to feeling this pain i've accepted it as part of my life. i still cry sometimes in my own privacy, but i cannot take part in a pity party, there is always someone else out there who has had a worse experience than i have. this is what keeps me going.
There have been brave women out there who have gone through numerous miscarriages and stillbirths. I don't know how they could deal with that. I can only hope that I can help inspire courage in the hearts of so many woman who are traveling down the same painful journey.
ironically, everytime I open a catalog i see baby's first christmas items, and it hurts. although, i've gotten so used to feeling this pain i've accepted it as part of my life. i still cry sometimes in my own privacy, but i cannot take part in a pity party, there is always someone else out there who has had a worse experience than i have. this is what keeps me going.
There have been brave women out there who have gone through numerous miscarriages and stillbirths. I don't know how they could deal with that. I can only hope that I can help inspire courage in the hearts of so many woman who are traveling down the same painful journey.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Yin and Yang
Today I worked for the first time in months. Eagerly, I jumped back into the world I knew before the pregnancy. Some faces are familiar, some new. It's amazing how many people changed hair, relationships, moved, stayed etc. in a few months. I look at it all like I've been in a time warp or in some sort of a coma, walking back into a new reality.
A few people asked about the baby. They didn't know. I told them. I don't get mad at people for not knowing, or at innocent pregnant women just because they are pregnant. I think this feeling of peace with destiny, no matter how crappy it is. There is no healing when too much anger is involved. Even when people make those blounderous comments that are designed to make me feel better that don't come out right. I understand it's not easy for people deal with the loss of a baby. It's just not supposed to happen. I've learned to dismiss comments like "you're still young, you can have another", "it" (not she) was not meant to be", or "you're strong, you'll be fine."
I just want people to know that I am okay. Yes, it hurts like hell some days but I refuse to be a victim of anything. I cannot allow myself to be. In my deepest beliefs, we are all to learn about life through experience. i've learned a lot since the loss of my daughter. As her mother, I constantly held a vision of things I wanted to teach her, and instead she became my teacher; only we never met.
A few people asked about the baby. They didn't know. I told them. I don't get mad at people for not knowing, or at innocent pregnant women just because they are pregnant. I think this feeling of peace with destiny, no matter how crappy it is. There is no healing when too much anger is involved. Even when people make those blounderous comments that are designed to make me feel better that don't come out right. I understand it's not easy for people deal with the loss of a baby. It's just not supposed to happen. I've learned to dismiss comments like "you're still young, you can have another", "it" (not she) was not meant to be", or "you're strong, you'll be fine."
I just want people to know that I am okay. Yes, it hurts like hell some days but I refuse to be a victim of anything. I cannot allow myself to be. In my deepest beliefs, we are all to learn about life through experience. i've learned a lot since the loss of my daughter. As her mother, I constantly held a vision of things I wanted to teach her, and instead she became my teacher; only we never met.
Monday, October 29, 2007
grief laundry
There are some days that the whirlwind of emotions get stirred up, I feel like the grief I carry is worn like my clothing. Weird analogy, but it's the only thing in my closet that fits. It's an invisible outfit, I don't want people to see my tears, because by this time it's my own. I get tired of this gloomy outfit.
This morning, I was up at 4am, sitting in a dark, quiet world, doing grief laundry. Feeling certifiably insane, I tried to get back to sleep after dh went to work. Then I get a phone call from my bf and she tells me her mom passed away. Even though they were not as close, it's an obvious unexpected shock. Her sister is only 16 and was sleeping right next to her when she did not wake up. They only had each other.
I feel so bad that this happened. Here I am entralled in my own pity party about how I cannot seem to get on with my life and my friend has her own pain to deal with. There is nothing more real than suffering, it is only part of being alive and we cannot escape it. There is no hell, it is right here within our stages of suffering. Heaven, is found only when we go past the suffering and move on our strength.
This morning, I was up at 4am, sitting in a dark, quiet world, doing grief laundry. Feeling certifiably insane, I tried to get back to sleep after dh went to work. Then I get a phone call from my bf and she tells me her mom passed away. Even though they were not as close, it's an obvious unexpected shock. Her sister is only 16 and was sleeping right next to her when she did not wake up. They only had each other.
I feel so bad that this happened. Here I am entralled in my own pity party about how I cannot seem to get on with my life and my friend has her own pain to deal with. There is nothing more real than suffering, it is only part of being alive and we cannot escape it. There is no hell, it is right here within our stages of suffering. Heaven, is found only when we go past the suffering and move on our strength.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
another healthcare vent
When it comes to politics, lately I can really care less. Although, in other blogs that I have out there, I've been very expressive with disgust because I feel like where there needs to be change...we've kind of fallen asleep. There is something wrong with the picture when billions are being spent on a war, but here things are falling apart. Everytime I open my yahoo page there is something about the child healthcare bill. Unfortunatly, George W doesn't seem to think the healthcare and welfare of children is all that important since he continues to veto the bill.
It seems to make sense to me to raise the tobacco tax in order to put together a healthcare plan for all children, if not everyone. Aren't children important? Whether or not I ever have any, I look at them as the future. And yes, the future is in trouble because no one cares. I feel like I'm going to be an old lady in a world like that movie where the people have really low IQ's and living in piles of trash and have green drinking water. Ok, it's a comedy and I shouldn't make fun of it, but seriously I wonder if that's where things are headed.
The rep. say that the plan proposed doesn't give enough to low income kids and too much for adults, and said nothing about blocking out illegal immigrants. First of all, I think there needs to be a focus on the working, middle class people before they are extinct. Adults are paying way too much for meds and private healthcare for those who do have it. And considering illegal immigrants (the only issue they seem to play with), part of the problem with these people is the lack of taxes, but if they are smoking, they are paying some contribution to this plan. Ok, it's a small part, but I look at it as a win/win situation.
I have a strong stand on my healthcare soapbox only because when this ship began sinking in the 90's, I was on it taking care of people who were drowning. And when they stopped paying me and cutting my home health clients I had to jump overboard. I got to see first hand what happens when people have no one to take care of them, esp the elderly or mentally incapacitated on the homefront. Ultimtaly, I decided I couldn't finish my nursing career since I care too much about people than about money. I highly respect the nurses out there who are humanitarian- it was those girls who worked nightshift at WP Hospital who got me through the labor. (when the dr spent about 20 min in the room, they spent 14hrs) I will never forget them.
It seems to make sense to me to raise the tobacco tax in order to put together a healthcare plan for all children, if not everyone. Aren't children important? Whether or not I ever have any, I look at them as the future. And yes, the future is in trouble because no one cares. I feel like I'm going to be an old lady in a world like that movie where the people have really low IQ's and living in piles of trash and have green drinking water. Ok, it's a comedy and I shouldn't make fun of it, but seriously I wonder if that's where things are headed.
The rep. say that the plan proposed doesn't give enough to low income kids and too much for adults, and said nothing about blocking out illegal immigrants. First of all, I think there needs to be a focus on the working, middle class people before they are extinct. Adults are paying way too much for meds and private healthcare for those who do have it. And considering illegal immigrants (the only issue they seem to play with), part of the problem with these people is the lack of taxes, but if they are smoking, they are paying some contribution to this plan. Ok, it's a small part, but I look at it as a win/win situation.
I have a strong stand on my healthcare soapbox only because when this ship began sinking in the 90's, I was on it taking care of people who were drowning. And when they stopped paying me and cutting my home health clients I had to jump overboard. I got to see first hand what happens when people have no one to take care of them, esp the elderly or mentally incapacitated on the homefront. Ultimtaly, I decided I couldn't finish my nursing career since I care too much about people than about money. I highly respect the nurses out there who are humanitarian- it was those girls who worked nightshift at WP Hospital who got me through the labor. (when the dr spent about 20 min in the room, they spent 14hrs) I will never forget them.
Friday, October 26, 2007
a nice weekend
The weekend went fast. I had a great time yesterday in the company of wonderful people, great food & drinks. Some friends are doing their halloween party and we helped them make the invitations- little bodies with skull heads and fun hair.
For a few hours yesterday I didn't have to talk about the nightmare, the empty hole in my heart. since the moment it was all happening, talking was helpful- as this blog. For once, it was nice to not have to talk about it. I will never be free from the burden of anger, guilt, pain and missing Julia. The mojitos helped.
I have to admit I am not exactly on the health kick I promised my self I would. Always, I was constantly aware of eating or drinking this or that since I need the right nutrients for the baby, no artificial sweetners, not too much caffeine, and definalty no mojitos. Then it comes to my attention that the belly is empty so -it-all, I end up eating or drinking whatever I please. This is further pushing away my goal of losing some weight.
Setting goals has been difficult and discouraging. It's like everything happened so fast that now that I am processing all of it, I can't see past today. All of my dreams died too, I had the goal of having a healthy baby, I did (or thought ) everything I was supposed to and lost her.
For a few hours yesterday I didn't have to talk about the nightmare, the empty hole in my heart. since the moment it was all happening, talking was helpful- as this blog. For once, it was nice to not have to talk about it. I will never be free from the burden of anger, guilt, pain and missing Julia. The mojitos helped.
I have to admit I am not exactly on the health kick I promised my self I would. Always, I was constantly aware of eating or drinking this or that since I need the right nutrients for the baby, no artificial sweetners, not too much caffeine, and definalty no mojitos. Then it comes to my attention that the belly is empty so -it-all, I end up eating or drinking whatever I please. This is further pushing away my goal of losing some weight.
Setting goals has been difficult and discouraging. It's like everything happened so fast that now that I am processing all of it, I can't see past today. All of my dreams died too, I had the goal of having a healthy baby, I did (or thought ) everything I was supposed to and lost her.
Monday, October 22, 2007
much needed vacation
Today is day one of back to reality after a 4 day cruise to cozumel and grand cayman. It was a wonderful experience and a much needed get away. For a few days we got away from town, our house, our lives- and the reality that haunts us everyday.
Just for a few days I didn't have to get mail with pictures of babies on it, or see commercials and all the familiar sites in my everyday life that remind me of the pregnancy. There were a few kids on the ship but that doesn't bother me. The atmosphere was fun and relaxing.
Cozumel was a wonderful place. The people are friendly, the margaritas were strong (maybe too much to have for breakfast and lunch), the ocean is beautiful and clear. Through my sun scorched margarita buzz, I felt something so spiritual there, the same impression as I had in Hawaii, there is a place so naturally wonderful only God could have created it. We hopped from beach to beach around the island, where each place something more peacful and beautiful can be found. Several times, I spotted the Julia butterfly in my path. It's amazing to see this same kind of butterfly everywhere I go. I really believe she is part of everything and is all around me. This is how I process death in my beliefs, we do not "go anywhere, but begin to astral travel by spirit.
Grand cayman was nice too. The ocean there was even more clear and pretty shades of blue. It was so relaxing to just float and refresh in the waters there. We spent hours on the beach, in the sun. For the first time in months, I felt alive and somewhat rejuvinated.
Now that I am back, its almost like my life has become some sort of puzzle that I need to put together to move on, Some days, it feels like none of the pieces fit.
Just for a few days I didn't have to get mail with pictures of babies on it, or see commercials and all the familiar sites in my everyday life that remind me of the pregnancy. There were a few kids on the ship but that doesn't bother me. The atmosphere was fun and relaxing.
Cozumel was a wonderful place. The people are friendly, the margaritas were strong (maybe too much to have for breakfast and lunch), the ocean is beautiful and clear. Through my sun scorched margarita buzz, I felt something so spiritual there, the same impression as I had in Hawaii, there is a place so naturally wonderful only God could have created it. We hopped from beach to beach around the island, where each place something more peacful and beautiful can be found. Several times, I spotted the Julia butterfly in my path. It's amazing to see this same kind of butterfly everywhere I go. I really believe she is part of everything and is all around me. This is how I process death in my beliefs, we do not "go anywhere, but begin to astral travel by spirit.
Grand cayman was nice too. The ocean there was even more clear and pretty shades of blue. It was so relaxing to just float and refresh in the waters there. We spent hours on the beach, in the sun. For the first time in months, I felt alive and somewhat rejuvinated.
Now that I am back, its almost like my life has become some sort of puzzle that I need to put together to move on, Some days, it feels like none of the pieces fit.
Friday, October 12, 2007
durable spirits
think that bad things happen to teach us something, whether or not we learn from it is up to each individual. Just like people are meant to inspire us, and to be inspired is to be " in spirit". I think Jackie O was one of those people. Recently, I read about her stillbirth to a daughter before she had john & caroline. I'm not sure if she was a full term baby but I thought it was sad that they did not put her name on her tombstone- as if a stillbirth is a void. But I guess that's how they thought back in the 50's. As if this was not enough loss, she later had a baby boy that died of a resp. illness at only 2 days. I cannot imagine what she was feeling...being in a high profile marriage that was not always happy and then to witness her husband being murdered at her side.
No wonder she wore big sunglasses- it wasn't a fashion, it was a way to disguise her pain. I know this feeling, if people cannot see my tired eyes, they can't see that I didn't want to put on makeup or tears I am holding back. Being overhwelmed with grief is something we wear like clothing, and for that poor women it never seemed to change seasons.
She wasn't just a graceful first lady and fashion icon, she was a warrior.
No wonder she wore big sunglasses- it wasn't a fashion, it was a way to disguise her pain. I know this feeling, if people cannot see my tired eyes, they can't see that I didn't want to put on makeup or tears I am holding back. Being overhwelmed with grief is something we wear like clothing, and for that poor women it never seemed to change seasons.
She wasn't just a graceful first lady and fashion icon, she was a warrior.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
6 wks; empty arms and no answers
Just got back from my 6 wk appt. It was overwhelming to go back to the very same office that I last walked into pregnant and eager to hear my baby girl's heartbeat. Luckily, it's not a big ob practice and there were no pregnant women or babies in sight to add to my anxiety. Even the squares on the carpet made me nervous.
Unfortunatly, there's still not an answer for the cause and no cause for the answer. There was evidence of a fetalmaternal hemorrhage- this I already knew but I was hoping by this time there would be more answers to give us "peace" of mind. When my dr made me aware of this a few weeks ago by phone, I did tons of research and only could find two reasons why this happens- a blood type incompatability or a trauma. Since the blood factor has been ruled out, I have been driving myself crazy wondering what I did in those final days that may have affected my beautiful child. Nothing can give me solace becuase now that I know the fact that she lost a lot of blood makes me wonder how much distress she was in. How did I not know? What could have been done? And will it happen again?
I will be monitored by a specialist next time, but I am anxious to even think about going through another pregnancy. Everything reminds me of my pregnancy- from the places I go, to the food I eat, the clothing I wore that is the only thing in my closet that fits. It gets even worse- the scent of cocobutter, the songs on the radio. It all makes me sick. It makes me angry. I want to erase these memories but I cannot look back, instead I have to focus on the future.
Sometimes I get angry but this is not going to bring back my baby. It's natural to be mad at the drs, God, and whoever else. But for me, the only ones I get angry with are the people who have no regard for the miracles that they have.
Unfortunatly, there's still not an answer for the cause and no cause for the answer. There was evidence of a fetalmaternal hemorrhage- this I already knew but I was hoping by this time there would be more answers to give us "peace" of mind. When my dr made me aware of this a few weeks ago by phone, I did tons of research and only could find two reasons why this happens- a blood type incompatability or a trauma. Since the blood factor has been ruled out, I have been driving myself crazy wondering what I did in those final days that may have affected my beautiful child. Nothing can give me solace becuase now that I know the fact that she lost a lot of blood makes me wonder how much distress she was in. How did I not know? What could have been done? And will it happen again?
I will be monitored by a specialist next time, but I am anxious to even think about going through another pregnancy. Everything reminds me of my pregnancy- from the places I go, to the food I eat, the clothing I wore that is the only thing in my closet that fits. It gets even worse- the scent of cocobutter, the songs on the radio. It all makes me sick. It makes me angry. I want to erase these memories but I cannot look back, instead I have to focus on the future.
Sometimes I get angry but this is not going to bring back my baby. It's natural to be mad at the drs, God, and whoever else. But for me, the only ones I get angry with are the people who have no regard for the miracles that they have.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Going out places has gotten easier. Going to parties is different. (not to mention the guilt element of even going) At parties I'm known as the girl who lost her baby. It's not said to my face, but I can feel peoples eyes on me, and when I am introduced, they look like they want to say something- although I understand when people say nothing out of discomfort. Even more uncomfortable, if I'm in a room full of moms and they are talking about pregancy, they look at me weird if I mention mine. YES I experienced a full term "normal" (there's that word again- so I thought) and delivered a 7lb baby. She had a name and it was not fetus, it was Julia.
She was alive, only in my body and always my heart.
then there are people that have no compassion in their heart. they have no idea how to offer someone condolences. i am different- and have learned to accept all kinds of people. i've learned not to expect but respect. But even if I don't know you- I'll always offer my assistance for anyone who even looks like they need it.
She was alive, only in my body and always my heart.
then there are people that have no compassion in their heart. they have no idea how to offer someone condolences. i am different- and have learned to accept all kinds of people. i've learned not to expect but respect. But even if I don't know you- I'll always offer my assistance for anyone who even looks like they need it.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
the room at the end of the hall
for the past month i've had the door to julia's room closed. i started to tape all of the cards people have sent to the door. then after a few weeks i began to feel weird about keeping the door closed, like it's not even another room attached to our house. my mil asked dh to not keep it closed, i agree with her. so this past week we opened it crack, then halfway and today i went in.
it's a beautiful room, with light purple walls and gossamer wings border & acessories. i wanted it to be the kind of room any little girl would be proud to live in, with white furniture and a purple mosquito net (w. butterflies) hanging over an empty crib.
i'm not ready yet to decide what to do with all of her pretty little dresses and numerous outfits all affectionatly bought by friends and family. i cannot bear to pack them away, its like giving up. no there can never be a replacement for her, but i pray that one day she will have a little sister or brother that will live in this room.
unfortunatly, i had to tell a friend i haven't spoken with in a while about Julia's passing. that was harder than going into the room.
it's a beautiful room, with light purple walls and gossamer wings border & acessories. i wanted it to be the kind of room any little girl would be proud to live in, with white furniture and a purple mosquito net (w. butterflies) hanging over an empty crib.
i'm not ready yet to decide what to do with all of her pretty little dresses and numerous outfits all affectionatly bought by friends and family. i cannot bear to pack them away, its like giving up. no there can never be a replacement for her, but i pray that one day she will have a little sister or brother that will live in this room.
unfortunatly, i had to tell a friend i haven't spoken with in a while about Julia's passing. that was harder than going into the room.
Friday, October 5, 2007
my view on the view
just a few things-
i wonder why they run so much on queer eye . i love their ideas on decorating and social ettiquette tips. but i also don't know how they find guys that always end up crying about how the show has changed their life.
i wonder why third eye blind broke up and now this guy is a host on news shows when he was a good singer...
about the view- always not really liked the show because of the big mouth gossipy women. but I love whoopi. she is changing the face of the view to introduce a more open point of "view". she is a cool, liberal chic that is not afraid to state how she feels about things...on the other hand we have elisabeth. i used to think she was a cute girl next door type of chic. then, she opens her mouth and becomes the girl next door that never left the house (i am no one to talk about leaving the house) like anyone, she is entitled to her opinion but she is apparently clueless. i'm sorry to say, but the war on terror has become the chess game for oil and the wonderful leader that we have continues to throw out issues that affect every woman and child in america.
how can anything change in america if the voice of women is a squeaky clean yes woman who supports the politicians that do absolutly nothing for us? its not that i hate her, but she should have a more open point of view..consider the other side of an arguement before making an ass of herself (and offending) in front of millions of people. no wonder barry manilow canceled.
i wonder why they run so much on queer eye . i love their ideas on decorating and social ettiquette tips. but i also don't know how they find guys that always end up crying about how the show has changed their life.
i wonder why third eye blind broke up and now this guy is a host on news shows when he was a good singer...
about the view- always not really liked the show because of the big mouth gossipy women. but I love whoopi. she is changing the face of the view to introduce a more open point of "view". she is a cool, liberal chic that is not afraid to state how she feels about things...on the other hand we have elisabeth. i used to think she was a cute girl next door type of chic. then, she opens her mouth and becomes the girl next door that never left the house (i am no one to talk about leaving the house) like anyone, she is entitled to her opinion but she is apparently clueless. i'm sorry to say, but the war on terror has become the chess game for oil and the wonderful leader that we have continues to throw out issues that affect every woman and child in america.
how can anything change in america if the voice of women is a squeaky clean yes woman who supports the politicians that do absolutly nothing for us? its not that i hate her, but she should have a more open point of view..consider the other side of an arguement before making an ass of herself (and offending) in front of millions of people. no wonder barry manilow canceled.
Monday, October 1, 2007
life is a bunch of sundays
we went to a nature trail today. it was beautiful and nice to get out of the house. i noticed there were so many butterflies on the way there and on the trail. a thought came to me...there were so many things to teach my daughter. it was not for me to be her teacher, but she was our teacher. i have always said and felt that julia was going to change the world- she did change my world. I view things in a totally different light. Small things really mean nothing to me anymore. I live my life differently, being thankful for what I have- the people in my life, my friends, family and moments in the present tense are all we have. We no longer have yesterday, that is in the past, and yet there is no guarantee there will be tomorrow.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
the first agreement
It's been a rainy weekend, but quiet. I'm starting to feel a bit more in control of my emotions. Finally, I made it to the gym and was happy to see that I lost 4 lbs. out of the 40 I need to lose. IT's amazing, I feel flabby but not 40 lbs overweight. Once the weight is gone, it's another step towards healing. Not having to see a once pregnant belly in the mirror.
In a spiritual sense, this whole ugly event has taught me to appreciate and love my body- even though some part of me feels that she (my body) has failed me. When I'm honest with myself, I realize it's not my body that failed me, it's my mind. No, it's not that i am beating myself up, I'm having a very human awakening. There are times when I was too negative about my body image, my ability to handle a baby, disappointment over goals that I did not acheive. Those thoughts are lies. I'm reading the Four Agreements and it's wonderful! the first "agreement"- be impeccable with your word- stop using it against yourself!
In a spiritual sense, this whole ugly event has taught me to appreciate and love my body- even though some part of me feels that she (my body) has failed me. When I'm honest with myself, I realize it's not my body that failed me, it's my mind. No, it's not that i am beating myself up, I'm having a very human awakening. There are times when I was too negative about my body image, my ability to handle a baby, disappointment over goals that I did not acheive. Those thoughts are lies. I'm reading the Four Agreements and it's wonderful! the first "agreement"- be impeccable with your word- stop using it against yourself!
Friday, September 28, 2007
"peace" of mind
finally i spoke with the dr yesterday. of course i had to wait all day for the phone call so by the time he called back i was shaking, sitting on a pins and needles sofa. apparently, some of the babies blood cells were backed up into my blood. of course, what happened is extrememly rare and there is not much of an explaination as to why it happened. this is a mystery to my dr, and even more confusing to me. usually, this happens when there is RH dis-ease present. So I've racked my brain with could i be rh neg and not know it? I tested positive!
Then the other indication for fetomaternal hem. is an abdominal trauma. The dr asked me if I had any kind of injury. Well, the last few weeks I felt like humpty dumpty, but there was no great fall. I was active, I carried groceries, I vacuumed, cleaned but nothing that I can recall.
I still have 2 more wks until I go back to the dr, and then the specialists. Hopefully, there will be more tests back to get the full picture. Having some news has been therapuetic for me. Although I admit it has added to my obsession in a way, I am researching all I can about it. Each year, 26,000 American women experience this nightmare and there is so little research about it. As each hospital is different, there is not any universal protocol for stillbirths. I don't see myself going back into healthcare any time in the future (thought i did!), but it is something I cannot stop to investigate. There has to be more we can do to stop this or at least identify why instead of sending parents home to go crazy wondering.
Then the other indication for fetomaternal hem. is an abdominal trauma. The dr asked me if I had any kind of injury. Well, the last few weeks I felt like humpty dumpty, but there was no great fall. I was active, I carried groceries, I vacuumed, cleaned but nothing that I can recall.
I still have 2 more wks until I go back to the dr, and then the specialists. Hopefully, there will be more tests back to get the full picture. Having some news has been therapuetic for me. Although I admit it has added to my obsession in a way, I am researching all I can about it. Each year, 26,000 American women experience this nightmare and there is so little research about it. As each hospital is different, there is not any universal protocol for stillbirths. I don't see myself going back into healthcare any time in the future (thought i did!), but it is something I cannot stop to investigate. There has to be more we can do to stop this or at least identify why instead of sending parents home to go crazy wondering.
Friday, September 21, 2007
time to blow up the tv
Heading into week 3, it's amazing how slow the time is going. days are passing by and I am acomplishing nothing. I am trying to not be so hard on myself, but I think it's a nice day to get out of this house.
The tv is beginning to piss me off...usually I avoid the news. From the typical political BS to the guy who wants to sue God to prove a point. Even worse, the 18 yr old girl who delivered her baby in a college dorm and suffocated her. I once read that Elvis used to shoot at his tvs- pretty psychotic but now it all makes some sort of sense.
i'm tired of seeing the view- and the today show the women are annoying at times. On every channel the topic of the day is about sex and marriage. (or divorce)- Just because this stupid political woman in germany thinks all marriages should just dissolve after 7 yrs. Maybe if people stopped getting married for the wrong reasons- ie money, they think nothing better will come along, the sex- a ridiculous reason. And get rid of this "me" attitude, when the marriage no longer suits "me".
As I've said before, this heartbreaking experience of losing a child is a strain on a marriage- it can either pull people away or put them even closer together. It's not all about me- everything in my life is thought of as "we". we are going through this together, and together is the only way to make it through.
I constantly worry about dh, I know he is depressed too but doesn't want to go to anyone to talk about it. I can understand, and all I can do is be there when he wants to talk.
The tv is beginning to piss me off...usually I avoid the news. From the typical political BS to the guy who wants to sue God to prove a point. Even worse, the 18 yr old girl who delivered her baby in a college dorm and suffocated her. I once read that Elvis used to shoot at his tvs- pretty psychotic but now it all makes some sort of sense.
i'm tired of seeing the view- and the today show the women are annoying at times. On every channel the topic of the day is about sex and marriage. (or divorce)- Just because this stupid political woman in germany thinks all marriages should just dissolve after 7 yrs. Maybe if people stopped getting married for the wrong reasons- ie money, they think nothing better will come along, the sex- a ridiculous reason. And get rid of this "me" attitude, when the marriage no longer suits "me".
As I've said before, this heartbreaking experience of losing a child is a strain on a marriage- it can either pull people away or put them even closer together. It's not all about me- everything in my life is thought of as "we". we are going through this together, and together is the only way to make it through.
I constantly worry about dh, I know he is depressed too but doesn't want to go to anyone to talk about it. I can understand, and all I can do is be there when he wants to talk.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
the insanity bandwagon
the insanity bandwagon
Posted Wednesday, September 19, 2007 10:41 AM
the insanity bandwagon has arrived early this morning. this is for me to hop on and try to sort out the millions of thoughts that consciously awake my crowded mind the second I open my eyes. this morning- more of the theories of what happened that killed Julia.
from meds i took, herbal tea i drank, maybe a wrong yoga pose, dental bacteria, some weird rare genetic disease, caffeine, splenda? what the hell was it?
i've gone down a mental list, spent hours sitting in front of this computer, and poured over every book about stillborn babies. I must be a member of every single support group online there is. Reading others heartaches gives a relation, but when I see people who have had to endure the pain of going through this more than once...sorry I would just flip out.
Vent for the day- sorry for whoever is offended by this- but if I lost my baby at 7 wks and never felt her kick,never saw her on an ultrasound, had to violently have her pulled from my body by forceps and a vac and seeing this beautiful perfect yet- dead baby...this is not the same. I know it must be painful to have a m/c or repeated m/c and not know why....but did these people did not have the same experience. There should be a board on the nest just for stillborns, not pregnancy loss.
It's also a shame that there is not more awareness in our society for this kind of tragic event. Does anyone care that it is Infant Loss awareness day on oct 15? prob since not that many people want to be aware of it- or is it because there haven't been any celebs that it happened to. Only in America.
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Posted Wednesday, September 19, 2007 10:41 AM
the insanity bandwagon has arrived early this morning. this is for me to hop on and try to sort out the millions of thoughts that consciously awake my crowded mind the second I open my eyes. this morning- more of the theories of what happened that killed Julia.
from meds i took, herbal tea i drank, maybe a wrong yoga pose, dental bacteria, some weird rare genetic disease, caffeine, splenda? what the hell was it?
i've gone down a mental list, spent hours sitting in front of this computer, and poured over every book about stillborn babies. I must be a member of every single support group online there is. Reading others heartaches gives a relation, but when I see people who have had to endure the pain of going through this more than once...sorry I would just flip out.
Vent for the day- sorry for whoever is offended by this- but if I lost my baby at 7 wks and never felt her kick,never saw her on an ultrasound, had to violently have her pulled from my body by forceps and a vac and seeing this beautiful perfect yet- dead baby...this is not the same. I know it must be painful to have a m/c or repeated m/c and not know why....but did these people did not have the same experience. There should be a board on the nest just for stillborns, not pregnancy loss.
It's also a shame that there is not more awareness in our society for this kind of tragic event. Does anyone care that it is Infant Loss awareness day on oct 15? prob since not that many people want to be aware of it- or is it because there haven't been any celebs that it happened to. Only in America.
Posted by gigi_rafaelFiled under: stillborn loss [Edit Tags]
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Monday, September 17, 2007
chocolate equals zoloft
It's monday and of course I woke up in wandering mind mode. I didn't stay in it for too long like I usually do. Wandering mind mode is the "what if's", "what happened" and "why?". This can make one go insane. But since I have yet to hear from my doctor it is driving me insane.
I made my way out of the house on Sunday even though I could have easily stayed in- again. I realize that its not good for me and not fair to dh. Yes, we are both greiving but I think dads sometimes get left behind in baby loss situations like this. Often, people end up getting divorced...IT should be the opposite, this is a time in the marriage when you really have to support each other and consider their feelings too. It's hardest for us that we not only carried the baby for months but had a connection that a man could never understand. Everyone greives differently, but I think when we get all of the attention from people, men sometimes withdraw. Also, this "strong, boys don't cry" expected role doesn't help.
Dh has been wonderful all along. Sometimes he seems depressed, and others he's trying to get life to where it was before the pregnancy. We met some friends for drinks yesterday and it was at a pool deck where there was a family with small children. He saw me looking at them and encouraged me that we are going to try again, and we WILL have our family. I thought it was very sweet and determined. Like I said before, there is no animosity towards other people with healthy children...there is admiration. I could say why me.....but that will never manifest anything.
This week I would like to look into a supprt group or some counseling. I've gone back and forth, just because I don't want to join a pity party. I want to meet other people who may be going through the same kind of pain, but are working towards getting through it. I've debated on meds but I think they make me feel worse. What is more depressing than side effects that include weight gain, sexual dysfunction, and lost ability to cry when needed. What an emotional band aid. Not to sound like Tom Cruise- if it helped some, then it is worth it. Everyday is self work...without Zoloft.
1- get out of the house even if i dont want to.
2- if i feel that a glass of wine or two is going to help, I will have it.
3- exercise, exercise, and more exercise.
4- go outside and sit in the sun at least a few min every day.
5- laugh at one thing
6- think of one person at least who has overcome tragedy or beat the odds in some way.
7- yoga breathing
8- dont watch or read the news
9-eat healthy- fish, veggies, fruit, lemon & water, or cereal
10- listen to some upbeat, happy music
***chocolate, dark always helps.
I made my way out of the house on Sunday even though I could have easily stayed in- again. I realize that its not good for me and not fair to dh. Yes, we are both greiving but I think dads sometimes get left behind in baby loss situations like this. Often, people end up getting divorced...IT should be the opposite, this is a time in the marriage when you really have to support each other and consider their feelings too. It's hardest for us that we not only carried the baby for months but had a connection that a man could never understand. Everyone greives differently, but I think when we get all of the attention from people, men sometimes withdraw. Also, this "strong, boys don't cry" expected role doesn't help.
Dh has been wonderful all along. Sometimes he seems depressed, and others he's trying to get life to where it was before the pregnancy. We met some friends for drinks yesterday and it was at a pool deck where there was a family with small children. He saw me looking at them and encouraged me that we are going to try again, and we WILL have our family. I thought it was very sweet and determined. Like I said before, there is no animosity towards other people with healthy children...there is admiration. I could say why me.....but that will never manifest anything.
This week I would like to look into a supprt group or some counseling. I've gone back and forth, just because I don't want to join a pity party. I want to meet other people who may be going through the same kind of pain, but are working towards getting through it. I've debated on meds but I think they make me feel worse. What is more depressing than side effects that include weight gain, sexual dysfunction, and lost ability to cry when needed. What an emotional band aid. Not to sound like Tom Cruise- if it helped some, then it is worth it. Everyday is self work...without Zoloft.
1- get out of the house even if i dont want to.
2- if i feel that a glass of wine or two is going to help, I will have it.
3- exercise, exercise, and more exercise.
4- go outside and sit in the sun at least a few min every day.
5- laugh at one thing
6- think of one person at least who has overcome tragedy or beat the odds in some way.
7- yoga breathing
8- dont watch or read the news
9-eat healthy- fish, veggies, fruit, lemon & water, or cereal
10- listen to some upbeat, happy music
***chocolate, dark always helps.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
baby envy
Getting through the loss of this baby has taught me so many things. Even though there are times when I feel I am losing it, get angry, emotional, self blame and all of the stages...I realze that she was a light of my life to bring my awareness to my own feelings.
There is nothing to be taken for granted. Life is precious and can be ceased at any moment without notice. We must be greatful for small blessings we are granted. Yes, I get angry with God at times, but what does that do?
I'm very disturbed by a post I read in another support group by an angry mother who had a similiar experience with stillbith as I had. She's angry, she hates others with babies, and cannot get pregnant again. (although she does have 3 other children). This may be a natural reaction, I'm sure there are people out there who feel this bitterness. But it is this bitterness and anger that is often sabotaging their efforts to conceive again.
I believe in the works of Lousie Hay and Wayne Dyer- we manifest our physical problems with our thoughts- whether subconcious or not. Not to say that m/c and stillbirths are caused on our own. But often, there is some deep emotional issue that we have yet to resolve in our lives. We may not even be aware of it.
In order to have a healthy body, we've got to have a healthy mind. If there's one thing I learned in all of this- it's not to complain and be thankful. If I am ever granted the blessing of another pregnancy I will take care to endure every ache, pain and puke with my heart. And when I see others with babies- my wish for them is that they appreciate and love the child.
Even though I feel like some days I am in a living hell, I relaize that I am further creating that hell by negative emotions. IT's easiest to bottle them up and put on the shelf, but then how would I ever move on>
There is nothing to be taken for granted. Life is precious and can be ceased at any moment without notice. We must be greatful for small blessings we are granted. Yes, I get angry with God at times, but what does that do?
I'm very disturbed by a post I read in another support group by an angry mother who had a similiar experience with stillbith as I had. She's angry, she hates others with babies, and cannot get pregnant again. (although she does have 3 other children). This may be a natural reaction, I'm sure there are people out there who feel this bitterness. But it is this bitterness and anger that is often sabotaging their efforts to conceive again.
I believe in the works of Lousie Hay and Wayne Dyer- we manifest our physical problems with our thoughts- whether subconcious or not. Not to say that m/c and stillbirths are caused on our own. But often, there is some deep emotional issue that we have yet to resolve in our lives. We may not even be aware of it.
In order to have a healthy body, we've got to have a healthy mind. If there's one thing I learned in all of this- it's not to complain and be thankful. If I am ever granted the blessing of another pregnancy I will take care to endure every ache, pain and puke with my heart. And when I see others with babies- my wish for them is that they appreciate and love the child.
Even though I feel like some days I am in a living hell, I relaize that I am further creating that hell by negative emotions. IT's easiest to bottle them up and put on the shelf, but then how would I ever move on>
Friday, September 14, 2007
The baby that passed away
I had to tell someone today that the baby passed away. It was really difficult. Telling people over the phone is so different than in person. They look at me with eyes of compassion but I am clearly in and out of a comatose fog. I'm trying to relive life as normal, yet I am walking around with this sick hole of emptiness inside of me.It's impossible to ignore a brokenheart. Little things that I before took for granted are suddenly huge, yet the big things don't matter. In an indirect way I am avoiding going to places where I might have to explain where is that baby girl that was living inside of me?
hole in my soul
hole in my soul
numb to my name
its all fucking surreal
this empty hole
that i can feel
tears travels deep
within my veins
past the physical pain
in the dark
quiet still
did i listen
drowning
a sea of emotions
empty womb
broken heart
scattered in a million
tiny pieces
like broken glass
my life is before me
picking them up one
day by day
numb to my name
its all fucking surreal
this empty hole
that i can feel
tears travels deep
within my veins
past the physical pain
in the dark
quiet still
did i listen
drowning
a sea of emotions
empty womb
broken heart
scattered in a million
tiny pieces
like broken glass
my life is before me
picking them up one
day by day
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
dreft....
It's sept 11, I woke up to check if anything was blown up- isn't that bizarre? I think of people I knew who lost their families, children, on this day 6 yrs ago. I cannot imagine how horrible it must be for them...and to have this paranoia of it all happening again.
Today is my first day by myself. I still have to wait a few weeks before going back to work, and I'm not sure how yet. I'm still in that avoidance period- don't want to be asked by clients about the baby or explain to new ones that the remaining "baby bump" is from a baby that is no longer with us. I had to go through this the other day when my mom took me for a pedicure. This is my motivation for getting back into shape quickly- although I am afraid to over do it.
The Dreft- since my grandmother went back home, I've kinda let the laundry kind of pile up with the attitude that I will get to it when I feel like it. Then I realize I'm out of regular detergent and all we have is Dreft. A few weeks ago I was washing baby clothes with this and the smell of it made her more real to me. Now it makes me sick.
Today is my first day by myself. I still have to wait a few weeks before going back to work, and I'm not sure how yet. I'm still in that avoidance period- don't want to be asked by clients about the baby or explain to new ones that the remaining "baby bump" is from a baby that is no longer with us. I had to go through this the other day when my mom took me for a pedicure. This is my motivation for getting back into shape quickly- although I am afraid to over do it.
The Dreft- since my grandmother went back home, I've kinda let the laundry kind of pile up with the attitude that I will get to it when I feel like it. Then I realize I'm out of regular detergent and all we have is Dreft. A few weeks ago I was washing baby clothes with this and the smell of it made her more real to me. Now it makes me sick.
Emotions du jour
ok here goes my sarcasm:
I'm sailing through all the wonderful torturous stages of grief- today on the menu is anger. i don't know where this came from. since the day Julia died, I promised myself I would not get angry- at myself, God, my doctor, dh....but somewhere this evil emotion has crept into my soul and I'm pissed. They say this is a healthy emotion to express and not to hide. But let's face it- anger is toxic and when I am angry I feel toxic..so I'm leting the toxins flow out-
yesterday I was angry at the 40ish pregnant woman in line behind me at the bank who smelled like an ashtray, to the couple who are suspected of murdering their little girl,- why did they leave her alone in the first place?, the woman who left her 2 yrd old to die in the car as she brought in donuts to her coworkers, the guy who cut in front of me in line at sweet tomatoes,I get mad when I look at my flabby, fleshy body in the mirror..esp my belly that I still have a linea negra.
I could go on and on- how ridiculous it all sounds but my emotions are like a runaway train and I feel like I don't know myself. At times I am strong like a rock and have more strength than I ever knew. While other times I fall into pieces without warning. It's like an emotional timebomb is going on inside of me...I guess this is post partum depression in full force. This is yet another cruel nature women must endure. Only it would not be so debilitating if there was a baby in the cradle.
I'm sailing through all the wonderful torturous stages of grief- today on the menu is anger. i don't know where this came from. since the day Julia died, I promised myself I would not get angry- at myself, God, my doctor, dh....but somewhere this evil emotion has crept into my soul and I'm pissed. They say this is a healthy emotion to express and not to hide. But let's face it- anger is toxic and when I am angry I feel toxic..so I'm leting the toxins flow out-
yesterday I was angry at the 40ish pregnant woman in line behind me at the bank who smelled like an ashtray, to the couple who are suspected of murdering their little girl,- why did they leave her alone in the first place?, the woman who left her 2 yrd old to die in the car as she brought in donuts to her coworkers, the guy who cut in front of me in line at sweet tomatoes,I get mad when I look at my flabby, fleshy body in the mirror..esp my belly that I still have a linea negra.
I could go on and on- how ridiculous it all sounds but my emotions are like a runaway train and I feel like I don't know myself. At times I am strong like a rock and have more strength than I ever knew. While other times I fall into pieces without warning. It's like an emotional timebomb is going on inside of me...I guess this is post partum depression in full force. This is yet another cruel nature women must endure. Only it would not be so debilitating if there was a baby in the cradle.
today (WAS) d day
9/07/07....it's been hard to think about it but today is the day Julia was expected. the last day of my pregnancy, Brasil's Independence day, and for me the most anticipated day of 2007. Like everyday, I begin and end in tears, hoping that time will speed up and relieve me of this unbearable emptiness, loss and powerlessness. I made it through the day with more strength than I have this far..even when someone asked about my pregnancy not knowing only that my uterus is empty, but that there was a baby and she past away...before I could have a chance to really be her mother. This could be considered, or I can not accept that I was robbed of being her mother. Julia was a white light, too good for this cruel world, designed to guide us through a journey. even though she was once a seed, then a blossoming butterfly that transended beyond..she was life that changed mine and Rafael's for if not for only nine months but a lifetime
POST-PART-UM
IT's been one week since the delivery. Memorys of pregnant moments fill my mind with a happy nostalgia and my belly with phatom flutters. even after they told me the horrific news that my Julia was lifeless inside of me I somehow felt the falsified kicks. I imagined her little body floating in my belly.
Now one week later, I am beginning to look less pregnant and just feel soft and flabby. My whole being feels empty, soft, fleshy..I joked that I felt like the Michelin woman the whole last trimester, now I truly am a marshmallow. I am SO looking forward to getting back into the gym. Just to sweat out all of the toxins of pain medicine, epidural and antianxiety drugs that have flooded my veins in the past week. I imagine my liver protesting another tylenol pm. my breasts have become like rocks and they tell me cabbage leaves are the best cure to dry up the milk? it's unbelievable that we have meds for erectile dysfunction all over tv but there is nothing to relieve greiving childless mothers from the pain of having painful breasts full of milk. Priorities in the medical field are totally geared towards men.
People have sent flowers, cards and call my parents to express their condolences. Often, they don't even try to call me because they do not know what to say. I totally understand....that's why the title is post part um.....
Now one week later, I am beginning to look less pregnant and just feel soft and flabby. My whole being feels empty, soft, fleshy..I joked that I felt like the Michelin woman the whole last trimester, now I truly am a marshmallow. I am SO looking forward to getting back into the gym. Just to sweat out all of the toxins of pain medicine, epidural and antianxiety drugs that have flooded my veins in the past week. I imagine my liver protesting another tylenol pm. my breasts have become like rocks and they tell me cabbage leaves are the best cure to dry up the milk? it's unbelievable that we have meds for erectile dysfunction all over tv but there is nothing to relieve greiving childless mothers from the pain of having painful breasts full of milk. Priorities in the medical field are totally geared towards men.
People have sent flowers, cards and call my parents to express their condolences. Often, they don't even try to call me because they do not know what to say. I totally understand....that's why the title is post part um.....
Surviving repost from 9/4/07
Everyday is a step towards healing..but it's so damn hard. My breastmilk is another reminder of the baby that I don't have. Pain is nothing to me anymore, because what I am feeling inside is what kills me. And much worse, dh is depressed to and I feel like I am no help to him. Through all of this, he has been so strong. It makes no sense to hate God, but we are both asking why,,,we are good people?
Empty nest
It's been 4 days since I've been on this emotional rollercoaster of loss and heartbreak. To everyone on the outside I am a strong woman, but sometimes on the inside I am breaking down. I posted comfortably numb on myspace page because i am still in this zoned out state of shock. Sometimes I am optimistic and sometimes I feel empty inside- one week ago an energy of life was inside of my growing like a flower, and now my body is struggling to regain strength.
Physically, I feel as if I was in a war. I have yet to see my episiotomy stiches, walking, sittting is painful and today my milk is about to come in. All of the cramping and physical symptoms will go away- but the flashbacks of my struggles of labor & delivery will not. Sometimes they flash into my mind I could still feel the yanking and tugging of the dr trying to release my lifeless baby from my body. It is a sensation that I will take with me to the grave.
People have been wonderful. They don't know what to say. Yes, I know she was an angel, yes I know she is in heaven, All the family and friends cannot do enough for me.I had asked my family to leave Julia's room as it is- there will be another baby...and that will be her or his room. Seeing baby things is not bothering me- it's just the feeling of having one inside all this time and only to lose her 9 days before.
DH is the best man on earth. He has constantly taken care of me every minute. I am so lucky to have him. I just worry about him at times becasue he is so strong for me, but sometimes he needs to break down too. He keeps encouraging me that we will try once again.....
Physically, I feel as if I was in a war. I have yet to see my episiotomy stiches, walking, sittting is painful and today my milk is about to come in. All of the cramping and physical symptoms will go away- but the flashbacks of my struggles of labor & delivery will not. Sometimes they flash into my mind I could still feel the yanking and tugging of the dr trying to release my lifeless baby from my body. It is a sensation that I will take with me to the grave.
People have been wonderful. They don't know what to say. Yes, I know she was an angel, yes I know she is in heaven, All the family and friends cannot do enough for me.I had asked my family to leave Julia's room as it is- there will be another baby...and that will be her or his room. Seeing baby things is not bothering me- it's just the feeling of having one inside all this time and only to lose her 9 days before.
DH is the best man on earth. He has constantly taken care of me every minute. I am so lucky to have him. I just worry about him at times becasue he is so strong for me, but sometimes he needs to break down too. He keeps encouraging me that we will try once again.....
my unbirth story
Repost from a few wks ago....
Only 3 days ago, I was happily posting on the boards to eagerly countdown the days until my delivery date of 9/7. Although I complained about the ups and downs of feeling huge in my bloated body of a summer pregancy, I was sure of one thing- the end was near and the result was going to be a beautiful baby girl. But little did I know that life changes in an instant...At my 39 wk appt, it was a day like no other, until my dr couldn't find the heartbeat. I remember watching the wall thinking it's just the stupid doppler. So he sends me to the hospital for an u/s and when i saw my husbands face drop, I knew the results- a flat line. For the next several hours we were going back and forth in emotional disbelief about what was really about to happen to us. I was informed of my babys death and that I would have to deliver her. By 6 pm, I was getting an epidural for a process I was anxious over to begin with- but this time there was no reward for the pain. I had planned on a natural birth- but in this case I asked for all the drugs I could possibly take. By 7pm, my water was broken and I spent the next 12 hrs in labor holding on for dear life. dh is my rock and greatest support system, he stayed by my side during the entire night. by 6 am the contractions were on strong and in came my dr to get things started. the nurses from the night shift were so supportive they stayed until their shift was over since i was so distressed that i made it even more difficult to get the pushing thing down. for the next horrific 2 hours of my life i pushed with all my might and out came the most beautiful chubby but lifeless little babygirl. i tried to keep my eyes closed but it was impossible and that image was forever burned in my brain.i told the staff before hand that dh and i could not handle holding or touching her. my heart came out of my body along with her. it all feels like a bad dream...sometimes i am strong and others i fall apart. i know we will try again but there is no feeling like this. for those of you out there who have had the beauty of life inside for 9 mos and plan your whole life for this child only to lose her in the end...the physical pain becomes part of the mental and healing is only one day at a time.
Only 3 days ago, I was happily posting on the boards to eagerly countdown the days until my delivery date of 9/7. Although I complained about the ups and downs of feeling huge in my bloated body of a summer pregancy, I was sure of one thing- the end was near and the result was going to be a beautiful baby girl. But little did I know that life changes in an instant...At my 39 wk appt, it was a day like no other, until my dr couldn't find the heartbeat. I remember watching the wall thinking it's just the stupid doppler. So he sends me to the hospital for an u/s and when i saw my husbands face drop, I knew the results- a flat line. For the next several hours we were going back and forth in emotional disbelief about what was really about to happen to us. I was informed of my babys death and that I would have to deliver her. By 6 pm, I was getting an epidural for a process I was anxious over to begin with- but this time there was no reward for the pain. I had planned on a natural birth- but in this case I asked for all the drugs I could possibly take. By 7pm, my water was broken and I spent the next 12 hrs in labor holding on for dear life. dh is my rock and greatest support system, he stayed by my side during the entire night. by 6 am the contractions were on strong and in came my dr to get things started. the nurses from the night shift were so supportive they stayed until their shift was over since i was so distressed that i made it even more difficult to get the pushing thing down. for the next horrific 2 hours of my life i pushed with all my might and out came the most beautiful chubby but lifeless little babygirl. i tried to keep my eyes closed but it was impossible and that image was forever burned in my brain.i told the staff before hand that dh and i could not handle holding or touching her. my heart came out of my body along with her. it all feels like a bad dream...sometimes i am strong and others i fall apart. i know we will try again but there is no feeling like this. for those of you out there who have had the beauty of life inside for 9 mos and plan your whole life for this child only to lose her in the end...the physical pain becomes part of the mental and healing is only one day at a time.
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