There are some days that the whirlwind of emotions get stirred up, I feel like the grief I carry is worn like my clothing. Weird analogy, but it's the only thing in my closet that fits. It's an invisible outfit, I don't want people to see my tears, because by this time it's my own. I get tired of this gloomy outfit.
This morning, I was up at 4am, sitting in a dark, quiet world, doing grief laundry. Feeling certifiably insane, I tried to get back to sleep after dh went to work. Then I get a phone call from my bf and she tells me her mom passed away. Even though they were not as close, it's an obvious unexpected shock. Her sister is only 16 and was sleeping right next to her when she did not wake up. They only had each other.
I feel so bad that this happened. Here I am entralled in my own pity party about how I cannot seem to get on with my life and my friend has her own pain to deal with. There is nothing more real than suffering, it is only part of being alive and we cannot escape it. There is no hell, it is right here within our stages of suffering. Heaven, is found only when we go past the suffering and move on our strength.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
another healthcare vent
When it comes to politics, lately I can really care less. Although, in other blogs that I have out there, I've been very expressive with disgust because I feel like where there needs to be change...we've kind of fallen asleep. There is something wrong with the picture when billions are being spent on a war, but here things are falling apart. Everytime I open my yahoo page there is something about the child healthcare bill. Unfortunatly, George W doesn't seem to think the healthcare and welfare of children is all that important since he continues to veto the bill.
It seems to make sense to me to raise the tobacco tax in order to put together a healthcare plan for all children, if not everyone. Aren't children important? Whether or not I ever have any, I look at them as the future. And yes, the future is in trouble because no one cares. I feel like I'm going to be an old lady in a world like that movie where the people have really low IQ's and living in piles of trash and have green drinking water. Ok, it's a comedy and I shouldn't make fun of it, but seriously I wonder if that's where things are headed.
The rep. say that the plan proposed doesn't give enough to low income kids and too much for adults, and said nothing about blocking out illegal immigrants. First of all, I think there needs to be a focus on the working, middle class people before they are extinct. Adults are paying way too much for meds and private healthcare for those who do have it. And considering illegal immigrants (the only issue they seem to play with), part of the problem with these people is the lack of taxes, but if they are smoking, they are paying some contribution to this plan. Ok, it's a small part, but I look at it as a win/win situation.
I have a strong stand on my healthcare soapbox only because when this ship began sinking in the 90's, I was on it taking care of people who were drowning. And when they stopped paying me and cutting my home health clients I had to jump overboard. I got to see first hand what happens when people have no one to take care of them, esp the elderly or mentally incapacitated on the homefront. Ultimtaly, I decided I couldn't finish my nursing career since I care too much about people than about money. I highly respect the nurses out there who are humanitarian- it was those girls who worked nightshift at WP Hospital who got me through the labor. (when the dr spent about 20 min in the room, they spent 14hrs) I will never forget them.
It seems to make sense to me to raise the tobacco tax in order to put together a healthcare plan for all children, if not everyone. Aren't children important? Whether or not I ever have any, I look at them as the future. And yes, the future is in trouble because no one cares. I feel like I'm going to be an old lady in a world like that movie where the people have really low IQ's and living in piles of trash and have green drinking water. Ok, it's a comedy and I shouldn't make fun of it, but seriously I wonder if that's where things are headed.
The rep. say that the plan proposed doesn't give enough to low income kids and too much for adults, and said nothing about blocking out illegal immigrants. First of all, I think there needs to be a focus on the working, middle class people before they are extinct. Adults are paying way too much for meds and private healthcare for those who do have it. And considering illegal immigrants (the only issue they seem to play with), part of the problem with these people is the lack of taxes, but if they are smoking, they are paying some contribution to this plan. Ok, it's a small part, but I look at it as a win/win situation.
I have a strong stand on my healthcare soapbox only because when this ship began sinking in the 90's, I was on it taking care of people who were drowning. And when they stopped paying me and cutting my home health clients I had to jump overboard. I got to see first hand what happens when people have no one to take care of them, esp the elderly or mentally incapacitated on the homefront. Ultimtaly, I decided I couldn't finish my nursing career since I care too much about people than about money. I highly respect the nurses out there who are humanitarian- it was those girls who worked nightshift at WP Hospital who got me through the labor. (when the dr spent about 20 min in the room, they spent 14hrs) I will never forget them.
Friday, October 26, 2007
a nice weekend
The weekend went fast. I had a great time yesterday in the company of wonderful people, great food & drinks. Some friends are doing their halloween party and we helped them make the invitations- little bodies with skull heads and fun hair.
For a few hours yesterday I didn't have to talk about the nightmare, the empty hole in my heart. since the moment it was all happening, talking was helpful- as this blog. For once, it was nice to not have to talk about it. I will never be free from the burden of anger, guilt, pain and missing Julia. The mojitos helped.
I have to admit I am not exactly on the health kick I promised my self I would. Always, I was constantly aware of eating or drinking this or that since I need the right nutrients for the baby, no artificial sweetners, not too much caffeine, and definalty no mojitos. Then it comes to my attention that the belly is empty so -it-all, I end up eating or drinking whatever I please. This is further pushing away my goal of losing some weight.
Setting goals has been difficult and discouraging. It's like everything happened so fast that now that I am processing all of it, I can't see past today. All of my dreams died too, I had the goal of having a healthy baby, I did (or thought ) everything I was supposed to and lost her.
For a few hours yesterday I didn't have to talk about the nightmare, the empty hole in my heart. since the moment it was all happening, talking was helpful- as this blog. For once, it was nice to not have to talk about it. I will never be free from the burden of anger, guilt, pain and missing Julia. The mojitos helped.
I have to admit I am not exactly on the health kick I promised my self I would. Always, I was constantly aware of eating or drinking this or that since I need the right nutrients for the baby, no artificial sweetners, not too much caffeine, and definalty no mojitos. Then it comes to my attention that the belly is empty so -it-all, I end up eating or drinking whatever I please. This is further pushing away my goal of losing some weight.
Setting goals has been difficult and discouraging. It's like everything happened so fast that now that I am processing all of it, I can't see past today. All of my dreams died too, I had the goal of having a healthy baby, I did (or thought ) everything I was supposed to and lost her.
Monday, October 22, 2007
much needed vacation
Today is day one of back to reality after a 4 day cruise to cozumel and grand cayman. It was a wonderful experience and a much needed get away. For a few days we got away from town, our house, our lives- and the reality that haunts us everyday.
Just for a few days I didn't have to get mail with pictures of babies on it, or see commercials and all the familiar sites in my everyday life that remind me of the pregnancy. There were a few kids on the ship but that doesn't bother me. The atmosphere was fun and relaxing.
Cozumel was a wonderful place. The people are friendly, the margaritas were strong (maybe too much to have for breakfast and lunch), the ocean is beautiful and clear. Through my sun scorched margarita buzz, I felt something so spiritual there, the same impression as I had in Hawaii, there is a place so naturally wonderful only God could have created it. We hopped from beach to beach around the island, where each place something more peacful and beautiful can be found. Several times, I spotted the Julia butterfly in my path. It's amazing to see this same kind of butterfly everywhere I go. I really believe she is part of everything and is all around me. This is how I process death in my beliefs, we do not "go anywhere, but begin to astral travel by spirit.
Grand cayman was nice too. The ocean there was even more clear and pretty shades of blue. It was so relaxing to just float and refresh in the waters there. We spent hours on the beach, in the sun. For the first time in months, I felt alive and somewhat rejuvinated.
Now that I am back, its almost like my life has become some sort of puzzle that I need to put together to move on, Some days, it feels like none of the pieces fit.
Just for a few days I didn't have to get mail with pictures of babies on it, or see commercials and all the familiar sites in my everyday life that remind me of the pregnancy. There were a few kids on the ship but that doesn't bother me. The atmosphere was fun and relaxing.
Cozumel was a wonderful place. The people are friendly, the margaritas were strong (maybe too much to have for breakfast and lunch), the ocean is beautiful and clear. Through my sun scorched margarita buzz, I felt something so spiritual there, the same impression as I had in Hawaii, there is a place so naturally wonderful only God could have created it. We hopped from beach to beach around the island, where each place something more peacful and beautiful can be found. Several times, I spotted the Julia butterfly in my path. It's amazing to see this same kind of butterfly everywhere I go. I really believe she is part of everything and is all around me. This is how I process death in my beliefs, we do not "go anywhere, but begin to astral travel by spirit.
Grand cayman was nice too. The ocean there was even more clear and pretty shades of blue. It was so relaxing to just float and refresh in the waters there. We spent hours on the beach, in the sun. For the first time in months, I felt alive and somewhat rejuvinated.
Now that I am back, its almost like my life has become some sort of puzzle that I need to put together to move on, Some days, it feels like none of the pieces fit.
Friday, October 12, 2007
durable spirits
think that bad things happen to teach us something, whether or not we learn from it is up to each individual. Just like people are meant to inspire us, and to be inspired is to be " in spirit". I think Jackie O was one of those people. Recently, I read about her stillbirth to a daughter before she had john & caroline. I'm not sure if she was a full term baby but I thought it was sad that they did not put her name on her tombstone- as if a stillbirth is a void. But I guess that's how they thought back in the 50's. As if this was not enough loss, she later had a baby boy that died of a resp. illness at only 2 days. I cannot imagine what she was feeling...being in a high profile marriage that was not always happy and then to witness her husband being murdered at her side.
No wonder she wore big sunglasses- it wasn't a fashion, it was a way to disguise her pain. I know this feeling, if people cannot see my tired eyes, they can't see that I didn't want to put on makeup or tears I am holding back. Being overhwelmed with grief is something we wear like clothing, and for that poor women it never seemed to change seasons.
She wasn't just a graceful first lady and fashion icon, she was a warrior.
No wonder she wore big sunglasses- it wasn't a fashion, it was a way to disguise her pain. I know this feeling, if people cannot see my tired eyes, they can't see that I didn't want to put on makeup or tears I am holding back. Being overhwelmed with grief is something we wear like clothing, and for that poor women it never seemed to change seasons.
She wasn't just a graceful first lady and fashion icon, she was a warrior.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
6 wks; empty arms and no answers
Just got back from my 6 wk appt. It was overwhelming to go back to the very same office that I last walked into pregnant and eager to hear my baby girl's heartbeat. Luckily, it's not a big ob practice and there were no pregnant women or babies in sight to add to my anxiety. Even the squares on the carpet made me nervous.
Unfortunatly, there's still not an answer for the cause and no cause for the answer. There was evidence of a fetalmaternal hemorrhage- this I already knew but I was hoping by this time there would be more answers to give us "peace" of mind. When my dr made me aware of this a few weeks ago by phone, I did tons of research and only could find two reasons why this happens- a blood type incompatability or a trauma. Since the blood factor has been ruled out, I have been driving myself crazy wondering what I did in those final days that may have affected my beautiful child. Nothing can give me solace becuase now that I know the fact that she lost a lot of blood makes me wonder how much distress she was in. How did I not know? What could have been done? And will it happen again?
I will be monitored by a specialist next time, but I am anxious to even think about going through another pregnancy. Everything reminds me of my pregnancy- from the places I go, to the food I eat, the clothing I wore that is the only thing in my closet that fits. It gets even worse- the scent of cocobutter, the songs on the radio. It all makes me sick. It makes me angry. I want to erase these memories but I cannot look back, instead I have to focus on the future.
Sometimes I get angry but this is not going to bring back my baby. It's natural to be mad at the drs, God, and whoever else. But for me, the only ones I get angry with are the people who have no regard for the miracles that they have.
Unfortunatly, there's still not an answer for the cause and no cause for the answer. There was evidence of a fetalmaternal hemorrhage- this I already knew but I was hoping by this time there would be more answers to give us "peace" of mind. When my dr made me aware of this a few weeks ago by phone, I did tons of research and only could find two reasons why this happens- a blood type incompatability or a trauma. Since the blood factor has been ruled out, I have been driving myself crazy wondering what I did in those final days that may have affected my beautiful child. Nothing can give me solace becuase now that I know the fact that she lost a lot of blood makes me wonder how much distress she was in. How did I not know? What could have been done? And will it happen again?
I will be monitored by a specialist next time, but I am anxious to even think about going through another pregnancy. Everything reminds me of my pregnancy- from the places I go, to the food I eat, the clothing I wore that is the only thing in my closet that fits. It gets even worse- the scent of cocobutter, the songs on the radio. It all makes me sick. It makes me angry. I want to erase these memories but I cannot look back, instead I have to focus on the future.
Sometimes I get angry but this is not going to bring back my baby. It's natural to be mad at the drs, God, and whoever else. But for me, the only ones I get angry with are the people who have no regard for the miracles that they have.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Going out places has gotten easier. Going to parties is different. (not to mention the guilt element of even going) At parties I'm known as the girl who lost her baby. It's not said to my face, but I can feel peoples eyes on me, and when I am introduced, they look like they want to say something- although I understand when people say nothing out of discomfort. Even more uncomfortable, if I'm in a room full of moms and they are talking about pregancy, they look at me weird if I mention mine. YES I experienced a full term "normal" (there's that word again- so I thought) and delivered a 7lb baby. She had a name and it was not fetus, it was Julia.
She was alive, only in my body and always my heart.
then there are people that have no compassion in their heart. they have no idea how to offer someone condolences. i am different- and have learned to accept all kinds of people. i've learned not to expect but respect. But even if I don't know you- I'll always offer my assistance for anyone who even looks like they need it.
She was alive, only in my body and always my heart.
then there are people that have no compassion in their heart. they have no idea how to offer someone condolences. i am different- and have learned to accept all kinds of people. i've learned not to expect but respect. But even if I don't know you- I'll always offer my assistance for anyone who even looks like they need it.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
the room at the end of the hall
for the past month i've had the door to julia's room closed. i started to tape all of the cards people have sent to the door. then after a few weeks i began to feel weird about keeping the door closed, like it's not even another room attached to our house. my mil asked dh to not keep it closed, i agree with her. so this past week we opened it crack, then halfway and today i went in.
it's a beautiful room, with light purple walls and gossamer wings border & acessories. i wanted it to be the kind of room any little girl would be proud to live in, with white furniture and a purple mosquito net (w. butterflies) hanging over an empty crib.
i'm not ready yet to decide what to do with all of her pretty little dresses and numerous outfits all affectionatly bought by friends and family. i cannot bear to pack them away, its like giving up. no there can never be a replacement for her, but i pray that one day she will have a little sister or brother that will live in this room.
unfortunatly, i had to tell a friend i haven't spoken with in a while about Julia's passing. that was harder than going into the room.
it's a beautiful room, with light purple walls and gossamer wings border & acessories. i wanted it to be the kind of room any little girl would be proud to live in, with white furniture and a purple mosquito net (w. butterflies) hanging over an empty crib.
i'm not ready yet to decide what to do with all of her pretty little dresses and numerous outfits all affectionatly bought by friends and family. i cannot bear to pack them away, its like giving up. no there can never be a replacement for her, but i pray that one day she will have a little sister or brother that will live in this room.
unfortunatly, i had to tell a friend i haven't spoken with in a while about Julia's passing. that was harder than going into the room.
Friday, October 5, 2007
my view on the view
just a few things-
i wonder why they run so much on queer eye . i love their ideas on decorating and social ettiquette tips. but i also don't know how they find guys that always end up crying about how the show has changed their life.
i wonder why third eye blind broke up and now this guy is a host on news shows when he was a good singer...
about the view- always not really liked the show because of the big mouth gossipy women. but I love whoopi. she is changing the face of the view to introduce a more open point of "view". she is a cool, liberal chic that is not afraid to state how she feels about things...on the other hand we have elisabeth. i used to think she was a cute girl next door type of chic. then, she opens her mouth and becomes the girl next door that never left the house (i am no one to talk about leaving the house) like anyone, she is entitled to her opinion but she is apparently clueless. i'm sorry to say, but the war on terror has become the chess game for oil and the wonderful leader that we have continues to throw out issues that affect every woman and child in america.
how can anything change in america if the voice of women is a squeaky clean yes woman who supports the politicians that do absolutly nothing for us? its not that i hate her, but she should have a more open point of view..consider the other side of an arguement before making an ass of herself (and offending) in front of millions of people. no wonder barry manilow canceled.
i wonder why they run so much on queer eye . i love their ideas on decorating and social ettiquette tips. but i also don't know how they find guys that always end up crying about how the show has changed their life.
i wonder why third eye blind broke up and now this guy is a host on news shows when he was a good singer...
about the view- always not really liked the show because of the big mouth gossipy women. but I love whoopi. she is changing the face of the view to introduce a more open point of "view". she is a cool, liberal chic that is not afraid to state how she feels about things...on the other hand we have elisabeth. i used to think she was a cute girl next door type of chic. then, she opens her mouth and becomes the girl next door that never left the house (i am no one to talk about leaving the house) like anyone, she is entitled to her opinion but she is apparently clueless. i'm sorry to say, but the war on terror has become the chess game for oil and the wonderful leader that we have continues to throw out issues that affect every woman and child in america.
how can anything change in america if the voice of women is a squeaky clean yes woman who supports the politicians that do absolutly nothing for us? its not that i hate her, but she should have a more open point of view..consider the other side of an arguement before making an ass of herself (and offending) in front of millions of people. no wonder barry manilow canceled.
Monday, October 1, 2007
life is a bunch of sundays
we went to a nature trail today. it was beautiful and nice to get out of the house. i noticed there were so many butterflies on the way there and on the trail. a thought came to me...there were so many things to teach my daughter. it was not for me to be her teacher, but she was our teacher. i have always said and felt that julia was going to change the world- she did change my world. I view things in a totally different light. Small things really mean nothing to me anymore. I live my life differently, being thankful for what I have- the people in my life, my friends, family and moments in the present tense are all we have. We no longer have yesterday, that is in the past, and yet there is no guarantee there will be tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)