Life decisions...

Today we went to the fetal maternal specialist. It turns out my bloodwork was clear. There is not a blood clotting problem as earlier speculated. Prayers were answered and some kind of miracle happened. I could swear that they found at least one gene present for this before. For almost two years I have been in fear of having something wrong. Now, in my head I can eliminate a genetic cause out of 199 other probable reasons for losing Julia.
There really has not been much peace in my head. IT is so hard not knowing why something like this happens. MAybe I'm dwelling- but WHY and HOW is just the nature of how I think. This was my problem being a nurse. I can't just push meds in people all the time, treating people like guinea pigs when time and money in our healthcare system often do not coincide with finding out why. Digging to the bottom of the barrel until there is some kind of an answer.
My dr. has been great in considering my psychological state as this pregnancy progresses. I only wish they were all like that...even my regular oB. He is ok, just a different personality. The specialist today recommended some interventions that would lead to a month early induction. In  one month I would begin a series of two steroid shots to ensure the baby's lung maturity in order to do an early induction. Days before the induction I would also be getting an amnio done. I hate the thought of this. I know there is a risk involved and I don't like the invasion of my baby's security by a 6 inch needle. I don't care how common it is, and how quick it is, hokey folks like me see it as an energetic threat. In some cases, babies move away from the needle during this procedure, and even motioned to attack the needle. Sounds crazy but i believe it.
There is still time for me to consider what I feel is right in my heart and I am totally torn. Deep down, I don't like the idea of interrupting a natural process.  Do I take a chance and just wait until I am further along that everything will be fine? My body failed me last time.
Do I trust and follow the advice of both docs, with blind faith that all of these extra interventions work out and deliver early?  Will it save my sanity? I have one month of racking my brain....



The sooner I have my little beanie with us the better, but I don't want to rush him.

a decade of change

This new year it is amazing to think about it being the turn of another decade. The new millenium or 00's (what do we call it anyway?) was really a time of change. When I think back of how quickly it all went down, 9/11, texting, a new president, GpS, Wii fit....all the things that change the way we live. Somethings changed the world and how we live in it. Without negativity, it does feel like a more cautious world than ever before. We were all more nieve in the 90's and children in the 80's.
And in my own life major transformations made me who I am today. In this decade I started out with a bold move to Orlando to follow my dream of a career as a massage therapist. I broke away from a path that did not make me happy. The future was promising and career stable, but I knew deep within that there was something else, somewhere else (and very likely someone else) This move led me to the place where I met the man I would marry. And like me, he found himself living in this city where he was led by some twist of fate. I learned so much from him, and that I could only be happy if we built our life together. He is an amazing spirit that has not only made me want to be the best I can be, he's made me believe in myself and any dream is possible.
this whole millenium may have started rough, I have lost parts of myself but found new ones. People have come and gone. Loved ones have passed, but the most painful years have produced a new skin. The capacity to survive has expanded boundaries and continues to.