Dreams of rainbows

Everyday is different. Emotions are up and down. And yet, each day is the same worry and concern that I try to turn around in my mind. It's a struggle sometimes. I feel the little bean kick and press down on my bladder. I suddenly feel relief. If I make it through this pregnancy sane it will truly be a miracle.
People try to be supportive but there is no way anyone can feel the isolation and lonliness I am experiencing. I don't want to hear things like "enjoy this pregnancy". Enjoy it:? I wish I could without worrying that my body is reacting like a time bomb. I want the remote control Adam Sandler had in the movie "click", just fast forward me to the point of holding this baby in my arms, where he is here, safely.
It is not that I don't trust in my body or the process. The experience of a late term loss is an innocence shattering event. Focusing on rainbows and puppies is a grand illusion. Baby showers and future plans seem like taboo, a concept no one can seem to understand.
Especially when medical science, in all of it's wisdom has no answers for you. Doctors will throw statistics and the encouraging "we see this all the time" lines. All the while some of us long for a healthcare practitioner to have an ounce of sympathy and on some level ask how we are, rather than treat us as medical train wrecks.
I've even had a female doctor, someone with a uterus, tell me it was "harder for them than it is for us, believe it or not". Really? Was she still thinking of her patient's loss years later? Did she wonder what they looked like on their 2nd birthday? I doubt it. By then she won't remember their name.

Even though I was told my heart monitor was not good enough, I am still able to check the baby's heartbeat daily. I admit it, I have HR OCD, a condition I am sure will intensify as I get closer to my due date.
I don't like to share my cautionary tale with others at times, but I want moms to be to be aware of their bodies- what feels like its abnormal to us may conflict with what "they" tell us. Even though I was once part of the medical team, I am now a hokey mind/body medicine freak/ massage therapist. I teach people that healing is within them and I believe it...somewhat. I know that if I listened to my body my daughter would be here today. Instead I am chasing rainbows and riding on intuition.

It's a .....

The morning of the "big" ultrasound with the maternal fetal specialist. As I sit in the waiting room, it's not only one of the biggest moments of my pregnancy, but my life. I'm a bundle of nerves. A mix of emotions in a packed to the fullest room of expectant moms and screaming toddlers. I'm guessing everyone here is in some kind of high risk situaiton. I wonder how many of these women can relate to the anxiety and anticipation that runs through my veins. A beautiful little toddler with pigtails smiled at me enthusiatically, all I could do was smile back. I did not want to be rude but I hardly could manage any kind of conversation or even read a magazine. I leafed through a few but words and pictures were a blur. Rafael graciously gave up his seat next to me for another mom to be. He moved to a corner where he seemed to distract himself with a motorcycle magazine. I knew he was feeling the same agony as we waited to be called.
Finally a nurse called us back and we got right to the ultrasound room. Then came all the painful questions about pregnancy history, even though she had my records and I had been there before. It would be great if people took the time to read them.
Then the ultrasound. To our surprise and what was confirmed before my sight was a boy! I looked over at rafael as he said "I told you", and our eyes met with tears of joy. He excused himself to the nurse as he reached over to hug me.
There is no feeling in the world like those moments of seeing the baby on screen, and hearing that all those images of his organs and little limbs appeared to be healthy. From that moment we built on hope and anticipation. But it also builds on a journey that is somewhat fragile.

The little jumping bean

Today was the day that this new pregnancy all became real. He or She made their debut on the ultrasound screen. It was an amazing experience. The tiny formations of arms and legs, waving around and vigorously moving to let me know it's presence. To think how technology can show us the life inside is amazing. Today was a beautiful day, to confirm a miracle is growing within. My journey officially begins.