Dreams of rainbows

Everyday is different. Emotions are up and down. And yet, each day is the same worry and concern that I try to turn around in my mind. It's a struggle sometimes. I feel the little bean kick and press down on my bladder. I suddenly feel relief. If I make it through this pregnancy sane it will truly be a miracle.
People try to be supportive but there is no way anyone can feel the isolation and lonliness I am experiencing. I don't want to hear things like "enjoy this pregnancy". Enjoy it:? I wish I could without worrying that my body is reacting like a time bomb. I want the remote control Adam Sandler had in the movie "click", just fast forward me to the point of holding this baby in my arms, where he is here, safely.
It is not that I don't trust in my body or the process. The experience of a late term loss is an innocence shattering event. Focusing on rainbows and puppies is a grand illusion. Baby showers and future plans seem like taboo, a concept no one can seem to understand.
Especially when medical science, in all of it's wisdom has no answers for you. Doctors will throw statistics and the encouraging "we see this all the time" lines. All the while some of us long for a healthcare practitioner to have an ounce of sympathy and on some level ask how we are, rather than treat us as medical train wrecks.
I've even had a female doctor, someone with a uterus, tell me it was "harder for them than it is for us, believe it or not". Really? Was she still thinking of her patient's loss years later? Did she wonder what they looked like on their 2nd birthday? I doubt it. By then she won't remember their name.

Even though I was told my heart monitor was not good enough, I am still able to check the baby's heartbeat daily. I admit it, I have HR OCD, a condition I am sure will intensify as I get closer to my due date.
I don't like to share my cautionary tale with others at times, but I want moms to be to be aware of their bodies- what feels like its abnormal to us may conflict with what "they" tell us. Even though I was once part of the medical team, I am now a hokey mind/body medicine freak/ massage therapist. I teach people that healing is within them and I believe it...somewhat. I know that if I listened to my body my daughter would be here today. Instead I am chasing rainbows and riding on intuition.

It's a .....

The morning of the "big" ultrasound with the maternal fetal specialist. As I sit in the waiting room, it's not only one of the biggest moments of my pregnancy, but my life. I'm a bundle of nerves. A mix of emotions in a packed to the fullest room of expectant moms and screaming toddlers. I'm guessing everyone here is in some kind of high risk situaiton. I wonder how many of these women can relate to the anxiety and anticipation that runs through my veins. A beautiful little toddler with pigtails smiled at me enthusiatically, all I could do was smile back. I did not want to be rude but I hardly could manage any kind of conversation or even read a magazine. I leafed through a few but words and pictures were a blur. Rafael graciously gave up his seat next to me for another mom to be. He moved to a corner where he seemed to distract himself with a motorcycle magazine. I knew he was feeling the same agony as we waited to be called.
Finally a nurse called us back and we got right to the ultrasound room. Then came all the painful questions about pregnancy history, even though she had my records and I had been there before. It would be great if people took the time to read them.
Then the ultrasound. To our surprise and what was confirmed before my sight was a boy! I looked over at rafael as he said "I told you", and our eyes met with tears of joy. He excused himself to the nurse as he reached over to hug me.
There is no feeling in the world like those moments of seeing the baby on screen, and hearing that all those images of his organs and little limbs appeared to be healthy. From that moment we built on hope and anticipation. But it also builds on a journey that is somewhat fragile.

The little jumping bean

Today was the day that this new pregnancy all became real. He or She made their debut on the ultrasound screen. It was an amazing experience. The tiny formations of arms and legs, waving around and vigorously moving to let me know it's presence. To think how technology can show us the life inside is amazing. Today was a beautiful day, to confirm a miracle is growing within. My journey officially begins.

worry wart

I've gained some extra weight thanks to a bad habit...no, not the bags of fun size chocolate that has me addicted. But the juice I consume when I think the baby is not moving enough. I've always stayed away from fruit juices except for in moderation since just a few glasses can add a whopping 1000 calories a day. I can't help that I am paranoid about movement. Rafa and I listen to the baby's hb every night with the doppler. Still, I get paranoid about the kicking. I expect this child to kick my ass all the way until he comes out screaming. I cannot escape my fears of the sudden absence of life within me. Everyday I work on staying strong and not driving myself crazy...I just want to make it to the finish line this time without the earth shattering disappointment of a loss.

the girl in the plastic bubble

It's a new day, a time for change and refresh the mood of this blog for a bit. After the big fat positive it is time to move on to the beat of a new drum. I miss my daughter every day, I will always wonder what she would be like at this stage of her life, what she would look like and what happened to her. As difficult as this new unknown road may seem, I must accept with blind faith that all will prevail and everything will go exactly as planned.
Once again I have given up martinis, hot tubs, swimming in the ocean, sushi, rollercoasters, and all the potentially harmful stuff I did last time. It seems like worthwhile sacrifices if it is going to result in a happy healthy baby. Yes I did feel cheated last time. I did everything I could and made it to the finish line only to lose so badly.
Other people are happy for us, yet some are fearful. Obviously, I can't live my life in a bubble but sometimes I wish I could. I could save my baby from all the chemicals, additives, sickness, swine flu, etc.
All I could do is make the best choices possible and believe in my spiritual nature.

BFP

On Aug 17, my period was nearly 2 wks late so I took a pregnancy test. The night before I knew I was going to test the following day I couldn't sleep at all. My mind kept wandering to the single Target brand box under the bathroom sink. I could only imagine what the outcome. In some ways I was expecting the inevitable outcome. That morning as soon I awoke I quickly tore open the target box and retreived the test. My need to pee was so urgent I nearly peed all over my hand and in the process of meticulously aiming my stream on the absorbent tip, a speck of urine splashed in the air targeting poor franghino. It is usual for him to stalk me the moment I get out of bed in hopes that I will let him outside.

There it was- a slightly faded blue cross. Well that explained my relentless exhaustion, sore growing boobs, and missing Aunt Flo. 

After countless hours of research on the internet and dead ended calls to Dr.s. I've had to deal with insurance issues.  the current political debate over health care reform could not be happening at a more ironic time for me.   Even if I had maternity coverage, they will be punishing me for losing the last baby. But i suppose if I smoked crack and didn't work I would have full coverage.
I really don't know what to think, it seems like no matter what they do there is still the issue of huge costs of pharmaceuticals and profits of hospital administrations. No matter how you slice it, the middle class is getting screwed royally...especially those of us who are self employed and have to shell out money for insurance that costs 3x as much.
By the time DH got home I broke the news and he melted with a sweet smile and a hug. He said he has been needing this to happen to renew his faith. Losing Julia has been a terrible assault on our believe system. The BFP is a new hope that we will be parents. A hope that we fear to rise too high, but it is some kind of miracle that we were not expecting, and that is sometimes the best kind of surprise.

could it be?

I'm freaked out. Some part of me is amused, shocked, and freaked out. Could it be? I'm about a week late and not sure what is going on. I've had some possible signals and I wonder if they were valid. Not only the usual sore breasts, train-wreck tiredness, and occasional nausea but also back pain and sudden anxiety.

I am dealing with so many mixed emotions at the thought of being pregnant again. I know how hard it is going to be to focus on keeping my mind and body as healthy as possible. Not that I didn't do all I could last time, I think there were times when I was ignorant. I've spend countless hours rehashing the last weeks of my pregnancy. Was it the time I went swimming in the ocean, ate sushi or did too much cleaning in my nesting frenzy? I've spend the last two years pondering these kind of wonders and have tried so hard to not let them drive me crazy.
My husband has been wonderful in giving me the time I have needed to recover. He has been ready to try again for sometime. We've gone through this rollercoaster of emotions for sometime now and it has been at times very difficult. Even in moments when he would feel angry or let down by Spirit, he has always maintained the strength to be supportive and encourage me that we must not let this loss defeat us from trying to have another baby. Without a partner like him, I don't know where I would be today. While tempting the idea to try again, there really has been no definitive plan. After the loss, there is a new normal. For me, there is no planning, it's whatever happens by chance will be.

Whatever plan the great Spirit in the sky has chosen for me I will accept with grace. I know that I can only manifest a positive outcome by being positive. As difficult as it may be to understand, I believe our destiny is predetermined, yet we have the power to attract miracles.

1.8mos

After 1 yr 8mos people will think you should be "over" it. The most important key to coping is to allow yourself to deal with in your own way. Provided that you are not in any way harming yourself! Some beating up on yourself is expected, but it is a victimized way of looking at things.
Today I had to finally come to terms with obtaining my medical records from the hospital and the doctor. While time dragged on forever in the beginning of the end....it all seemed like an oxymoron now. The end of Julia's life was the beginning of my suffering. Not knowing why she died is even more of a grief sentence. There is no closure, no fact of the matter.