BFP

On Aug 17, my period was nearly 2 wks late so I took a pregnancy test. The night before I knew I was going to test the following day I couldn't sleep at all. My mind kept wandering to the single Target brand box under the bathroom sink. I could only imagine what the outcome. In some ways I was expecting the inevitable outcome. That morning as soon I awoke I quickly tore open the target box and retreived the test. My need to pee was so urgent I nearly peed all over my hand and in the process of meticulously aiming my stream on the absorbent tip, a speck of urine splashed in the air targeting poor franghino. It is usual for him to stalk me the moment I get out of bed in hopes that I will let him outside.

There it was- a slightly faded blue cross. Well that explained my relentless exhaustion, sore growing boobs, and missing Aunt Flo. 

After countless hours of research on the internet and dead ended calls to Dr.s. I've had to deal with insurance issues.  the current political debate over health care reform could not be happening at a more ironic time for me.   Even if I had maternity coverage, they will be punishing me for losing the last baby. But i suppose if I smoked crack and didn't work I would have full coverage.
I really don't know what to think, it seems like no matter what they do there is still the issue of huge costs of pharmaceuticals and profits of hospital administrations. No matter how you slice it, the middle class is getting screwed royally...especially those of us who are self employed and have to shell out money for insurance that costs 3x as much.
By the time DH got home I broke the news and he melted with a sweet smile and a hug. He said he has been needing this to happen to renew his faith. Losing Julia has been a terrible assault on our believe system. The BFP is a new hope that we will be parents. A hope that we fear to rise too high, but it is some kind of miracle that we were not expecting, and that is sometimes the best kind of surprise.

could it be?

I'm freaked out. Some part of me is amused, shocked, and freaked out. Could it be? I'm about a week late and not sure what is going on. I've had some possible signals and I wonder if they were valid. Not only the usual sore breasts, train-wreck tiredness, and occasional nausea but also back pain and sudden anxiety.

I am dealing with so many mixed emotions at the thought of being pregnant again. I know how hard it is going to be to focus on keeping my mind and body as healthy as possible. Not that I didn't do all I could last time, I think there were times when I was ignorant. I've spend countless hours rehashing the last weeks of my pregnancy. Was it the time I went swimming in the ocean, ate sushi or did too much cleaning in my nesting frenzy? I've spend the last two years pondering these kind of wonders and have tried so hard to not let them drive me crazy.
My husband has been wonderful in giving me the time I have needed to recover. He has been ready to try again for sometime. We've gone through this rollercoaster of emotions for sometime now and it has been at times very difficult. Even in moments when he would feel angry or let down by Spirit, he has always maintained the strength to be supportive and encourage me that we must not let this loss defeat us from trying to have another baby. Without a partner like him, I don't know where I would be today. While tempting the idea to try again, there really has been no definitive plan. After the loss, there is a new normal. For me, there is no planning, it's whatever happens by chance will be.

Whatever plan the great Spirit in the sky has chosen for me I will accept with grace. I know that I can only manifest a positive outcome by being positive. As difficult as it may be to understand, I believe our destiny is predetermined, yet we have the power to attract miracles.