Time flies when we are not looking. For those of us who have lost a child at any age, for every year there are missed birthday parties, milestones and what ifs that plague our mind. The date 8/30 is a painful reminder of a day that I will never forget. An angel that I carried with me for 9 months who kicked, smiled and fluttered like a butterfly had left.
Grief is a life sentence on a rollercoaster. Emotions are unexpected, just when you think the ride is smooth, another reminder sends you for a whirl. I imagine my little girl starting preschool and wonder what she would look like.
This subject is one that we keep to ourselves. No one wants to see us in pain or holding on to something so painful. The sad fact is that we really have no choice. It's not something we can really ever forget or move on from. We do move on but in the back of our minds time will remind us....how many years ago, how it has changed us. What I have let go of is the what ifs. I cannot change what happened and I know it was not in my control.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
to my son
Michael Dominic Moser
In a few hours, God Bless, you will be in our arms. It's 2 am and I am cautiously listening to your every heartbeat. There is no feeling in the world like the worry of everything being alright. I wonder what you will look like, but most importantly that you will arrive safely. tired dad is sleeping in a chair, poor thing.
I have so many hopes for you. My heart is so full of love and my head full of worry. I've known from the moment I saw a positive confirmation of your creation that I would never be the same. Everyday of this journey has been a careful anticipation of your arrival. And here we are the last hours that we will be connected physically, but I know that we will always be spiritually connected. Naturally, I will always do my best to protect you and shield you from the pains of the world. Someday when you have your own children you could only know how i am feeling. It is a powerful love when you are a parent. We will have times when you are set on doing your own thing and may be resistant but I understand you will grow into being your own person. Every parent wants the best for their child- for you I know there is a heart of gold with the best intentions. In my dreams we have met, I cannot wait to meet you for real.More than anything in this world, we love you and always will.
In a few hours, God Bless, you will be in our arms. It's 2 am and I am cautiously listening to your every heartbeat. There is no feeling in the world like the worry of everything being alright. I wonder what you will look like, but most importantly that you will arrive safely. tired dad is sleeping in a chair, poor thing.
I have so many hopes for you. My heart is so full of love and my head full of worry. I've known from the moment I saw a positive confirmation of your creation that I would never be the same. Everyday of this journey has been a careful anticipation of your arrival. And here we are the last hours that we will be connected physically, but I know that we will always be spiritually connected. Naturally, I will always do my best to protect you and shield you from the pains of the world. Someday when you have your own children you could only know how i am feeling. It is a powerful love when you are a parent. We will have times when you are set on doing your own thing and may be resistant but I understand you will grow into being your own person. Every parent wants the best for their child- for you I know there is a heart of gold with the best intentions. In my dreams we have met, I cannot wait to meet you for real.More than anything in this world, we love you and always will.
34
Today I am 34. Mid 30's do not make me feel old, just to wonder where have the years gone. No regrets, life is a series of events and moments that add to the other. Nothing you have ever done, seen or heard has not calculated to this moment. It makes us who we are. Our soul is in a contract that we agreed to long ago. Yes something's in that contract suck, but these events are of some other influence and in the end we will only realize.
Friday, February 19, 2010
30 days
it's hard to believe but in about a month our baby will be here. The time has flown yet it seems like forever. As I affectionately call him, little bean, it has been difficult to become too attached. I've walked through this pregnancy on pins and needles, with severe caution.
In a way I feel guilty for not celebrating him more. No baby shower. No 3d ultrasound. Only last minute room prep and cute little blue clothes. I can't wait to meet him.
In a way I feel guilty for not celebrating him more. No baby shower. No 3d ultrasound. Only last minute room prep and cute little blue clothes. I can't wait to meet him.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Dreams
Pregnancy always means crazy dreams. Maybe this is a time where we process all of our emotional "stuff: good and bad. Maybe it's the hormones or that chocolate ice cream I ate before bed. Either way I am amazed at my dreams lately. For a while they were so ridiculous I started forgetting them. This week I've had a few that left me mystified.
In one dream my little bean was here. He was a beautiful baby boy with lots of black hair. He was not tiny but more like a baby of 6 months at least. He seemed to advance in age. Like I imagine myself as a new mother, I was scrambling trying to figure out what to do for him. He was not fussing, but I guess I was trying to decide to feed or bathe him. I was extremely nervous about fulfilling his needs and not knowing what they were in that moment. I went to gather bath supplies and suddenly realized I was able to "receive" his thoughts almost telepathically. He seemed a bit demanding, yet he was peaceful and happy. I was suddenly felt calm, knowing what he needed. Love was a big part of this. My anxiety over knowing what to do was loving him so much I could only do the right thing. Also, another weird thing about this dream, when I went to hold him in my arms to nurse him, I noticed he had almost a full set of tiny baby teeth. I woke up laughing at this imagining my nipple getting bitten and maybe I shouldn't read anymore Twlight books.
The very next night I had an even more intense dream. This time I was still pregnant, sitting on the floor in a room of other people in some sort of meditation group. Among us was a child walking about the room, he (maybe she) was about 4 yrs old, maybe even younger with kind of long dark hair. It could have been a girl, as there was an angelic presence to this child. As he passed from person to person it was apparent that he was a healer. When he approached me, he placed his tiny hands on my belly and said he understood there "were others" and it just was not their time....something about "birth order" being a factor and that this baby was of the number 3, in the year of 3 (2010)! I felt that there was some kind of message of reassurance that this baby would be healthy and present...for me to not worry.
I woke up at 5:55 completely stunned at the memory of such a dream. I told Rafael right away.
He told me he was also having wild dreams of white tigers and horses ..symbols of strength and courage.
Never in my life had I felt so present in my dreams, I can only believe in the angelic message as something positive and hopeful.
In one dream my little bean was here. He was a beautiful baby boy with lots of black hair. He was not tiny but more like a baby of 6 months at least. He seemed to advance in age. Like I imagine myself as a new mother, I was scrambling trying to figure out what to do for him. He was not fussing, but I guess I was trying to decide to feed or bathe him. I was extremely nervous about fulfilling his needs and not knowing what they were in that moment. I went to gather bath supplies and suddenly realized I was able to "receive" his thoughts almost telepathically. He seemed a bit demanding, yet he was peaceful and happy. I was suddenly felt calm, knowing what he needed. Love was a big part of this. My anxiety over knowing what to do was loving him so much I could only do the right thing. Also, another weird thing about this dream, when I went to hold him in my arms to nurse him, I noticed he had almost a full set of tiny baby teeth. I woke up laughing at this imagining my nipple getting bitten and maybe I shouldn't read anymore Twlight books.
The very next night I had an even more intense dream. This time I was still pregnant, sitting on the floor in a room of other people in some sort of meditation group. Among us was a child walking about the room, he (maybe she) was about 4 yrs old, maybe even younger with kind of long dark hair. It could have been a girl, as there was an angelic presence to this child. As he passed from person to person it was apparent that he was a healer. When he approached me, he placed his tiny hands on my belly and said he understood there "were others" and it just was not their time....something about "birth order" being a factor and that this baby was of the number 3, in the year of 3 (2010)! I felt that there was some kind of message of reassurance that this baby would be healthy and present...for me to not worry.
I woke up at 5:55 completely stunned at the memory of such a dream. I told Rafael right away.
He told me he was also having wild dreams of white tigers and horses ..symbols of strength and courage.
Never in my life had I felt so present in my dreams, I can only believe in the angelic message as something positive and hopeful.
Friday, February 5, 2010
the boxes
The hardest thing was packing her things. But even harder was unpacking them and preparing the room for the new baby. Another baby that I anticipate, waiting an agonizing 9 months. It seems like bad luck to be prepared. All I can do is small changes at a time. For the first several months I simply closed the door. The plan now is to transform the purple butterfly room into a blue ocean theme. For those of you who are reading this and have been through this just take your time. Don't take heed into the advice of people who have no clue what you've been through by making you feel "unhealthy" for not wanting to pack away your baby's things. Hang in there, do things as you are ready.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Life decisions...
Today we went to the fetal maternal specialist. It turns out my bloodwork was clear. There is not a blood clotting problem as earlier speculated. Prayers were answered and some kind of miracle happened. I could swear that they found at least one gene present for this before. For almost two years I have been in fear of having something wrong. Now, in my head I can eliminate a genetic cause out of 199 other probable reasons for losing Julia.
There really has not been much peace in my head. IT is so hard not knowing why something like this happens. MAybe I'm dwelling- but WHY and HOW is just the nature of how I think. This was my problem being a nurse. I can't just push meds in people all the time, treating people like guinea pigs when time and money in our healthcare system often do not coincide with finding out why. Digging to the bottom of the barrel until there is some kind of an answer.
My dr. has been great in considering my psychological state as this pregnancy progresses. I only wish they were all like that...even my regular oB. He is ok, just a different personality. The specialist today recommended some interventions that would lead to a month early induction. In one month I would begin a series of two steroid shots to ensure the baby's lung maturity in order to do an early induction. Days before the induction I would also be getting an amnio done. I hate the thought of this. I know there is a risk involved and I don't like the invasion of my baby's security by a 6 inch needle. I don't care how common it is, and how quick it is, hokey folks like me see it as an energetic threat. In some cases, babies move away from the needle during this procedure, and even motioned to attack the needle. Sounds crazy but i believe it.
There is still time for me to consider what I feel is right in my heart and I am totally torn. Deep down, I don't like the idea of interrupting a natural process. Do I take a chance and just wait until I am further along that everything will be fine? My body failed me last time.
Do I trust and follow the advice of both docs, with blind faith that all of these extra interventions work out and deliver early? Will it save my sanity? I have one month of racking my brain....
The sooner I have my little beanie with us the better, but I don't want to rush him.
There really has not been much peace in my head. IT is so hard not knowing why something like this happens. MAybe I'm dwelling- but WHY and HOW is just the nature of how I think. This was my problem being a nurse. I can't just push meds in people all the time, treating people like guinea pigs when time and money in our healthcare system often do not coincide with finding out why. Digging to the bottom of the barrel until there is some kind of an answer.
My dr. has been great in considering my psychological state as this pregnancy progresses. I only wish they were all like that...even my regular oB. He is ok, just a different personality. The specialist today recommended some interventions that would lead to a month early induction. In one month I would begin a series of two steroid shots to ensure the baby's lung maturity in order to do an early induction. Days before the induction I would also be getting an amnio done. I hate the thought of this. I know there is a risk involved and I don't like the invasion of my baby's security by a 6 inch needle. I don't care how common it is, and how quick it is, hokey folks like me see it as an energetic threat. In some cases, babies move away from the needle during this procedure, and even motioned to attack the needle. Sounds crazy but i believe it.
There is still time for me to consider what I feel is right in my heart and I am totally torn. Deep down, I don't like the idea of interrupting a natural process. Do I take a chance and just wait until I am further along that everything will be fine? My body failed me last time.
Do I trust and follow the advice of both docs, with blind faith that all of these extra interventions work out and deliver early? Will it save my sanity? I have one month of racking my brain....
The sooner I have my little beanie with us the better, but I don't want to rush him.
Monday, January 4, 2010
a decade of change
This new year it is amazing to think about it being the turn of another decade. The new millenium or 00's (what do we call it anyway?) was really a time of change. When I think back of how quickly it all went down, 9/11, texting, a new president, GpS, Wii fit....all the things that change the way we live. Somethings changed the world and how we live in it. Without negativity, it does feel like a more cautious world than ever before. We were all more nieve in the 90's and children in the 80's.
And in my own life major transformations made me who I am today. In this decade I started out with a bold move to Orlando to follow my dream of a career as a massage therapist. I broke away from a path that did not make me happy. The future was promising and career stable, but I knew deep within that there was something else, somewhere else (and very likely someone else) This move led me to the place where I met the man I would marry. And like me, he found himself living in this city where he was led by some twist of fate. I learned so much from him, and that I could only be happy if we built our life together. He is an amazing spirit that has not only made me want to be the best I can be, he's made me believe in myself and any dream is possible.
this whole millenium may have started rough, I have lost parts of myself but found new ones. People have come and gone. Loved ones have passed, but the most painful years have produced a new skin. The capacity to survive has expanded boundaries and continues to.
And in my own life major transformations made me who I am today. In this decade I started out with a bold move to Orlando to follow my dream of a career as a massage therapist. I broke away from a path that did not make me happy. The future was promising and career stable, but I knew deep within that there was something else, somewhere else (and very likely someone else) This move led me to the place where I met the man I would marry. And like me, he found himself living in this city where he was led by some twist of fate. I learned so much from him, and that I could only be happy if we built our life together. He is an amazing spirit that has not only made me want to be the best I can be, he's made me believe in myself and any dream is possible.
this whole millenium may have started rough, I have lost parts of myself but found new ones. People have come and gone. Loved ones have passed, but the most painful years have produced a new skin. The capacity to survive has expanded boundaries and continues to.
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