Today my daughter would have been celebrating her first birthday. Instead, we are going to a wedding in Ga. While they are close friends of the family, they don't know that it is today. But we go to the wedding, with no one knowing how difficult it was to hold my head up high and just work through it.
Since the wedding was in the evening, Rafa wanted to go to stone mtn, ga. on the way. The last time we visited there I was around 6 mos pregnant with Julia. As crazy as it sounds, I did the hike with many breaks to rest. Everytime I stopped I would become more inspired to continue as I saw 2 other pregnant girls who were even more far along than I was. If they could do it, I could. And one day, I was going to tell my girl all about that crazy trip and how I made it to the top.
This time I did the same trek to the top, but without a pregnant belly. I did fine all day with a few times mentioning her memory in the car on the drive up. At some point during the hike I felt an overwhelming wave of grief, pain, anger, and guilt. Was I fucking crazy to climb this while I was pregnant? No wonder I lost her. I did too much, pushed myself too far. I didn't say this to Rafa, but it was the self abusing thoughts that often happen in the minds of mothers who lost their babies this way.
I sat down on a rock and the tears just flowed. As I looked out into the blue skyline I asked "why?" I could not contain myself from just stopping and letting it all out. People passing by could see me crying, probably thinking I'm wimping out on the rest of the hike. Not that I care what people think, it's the last thing on my mind.
Then the anger set in. While I know I must allow myself to grieve, here I am sitting on a rock crying. I had more steps to take. More stones to cross. I have to keep moving and not be victimized by my loss. I make the choice to stand up and finish the hike, as grueling as it was. With each step, I focused on my breathing. Like the days of my life, I must take them one at a time...stopping when I needed to, but keep rebuilding my strength.
When I arrive at the top I felt stronger in some ways but still broken in others. I walk into the restroom area to see many mothers there with children. It's unbelievably cruel how many babies I saw around the age that Julia would have been- at a mountain top! My huge dark glasses remain on and I get out of there as soon as possible.
On the way back down, my husband feels bad that he took me to a place that triggered a memory of pregnancy. I assured him that it was not his fault. Either way, I knew the day was coming that it will be one year that we went thru this nightmare of losing her.
We both have been each others greatest supporters. We may not be on the same stages at times, but this is what it does to couples. Many times, we don't want to upset each other so we don't see the other's tears. It would be only later that one of us would admit- yes, I thought of her today and I cried.
That is when it is time to consider each other's feelings and become selfless. Comfort the suffering heart of another, that is one of the reasons I am here on this earth. Everyday I stop to empathize with the suffering of others. As painful as our loss was, I keep in my heart others who have endured worse.
