Today I worked for the first time in months. Eagerly, I jumped back into the world I knew before the pregnancy. Some faces are familiar, some new. It's amazing how many people changed hair, relationships, moved, stayed etc. in a few months. I look at it all like I've been in a time warp or in some sort of a coma, walking back into a new reality.
A few people asked about the baby. They didn't know. I told them. I don't get mad at people for not knowing, or at innocent pregnant women just because they are pregnant. I think this feeling of peace with destiny, no matter how crappy it is. There is no healing when too much anger is involved. Even when people make those blounderous comments that are designed to make me feel better that don't come out right. I understand it's not easy for people deal with the loss of a baby. It's just not supposed to happen. I've learned to dismiss comments like "you're still young, you can have another", "it" (not she) was not meant to be", or "you're strong, you'll be fine."
I just want people to know that I am okay. Yes, it hurts like hell some days but I refuse to be a victim of anything. I cannot allow myself to be. In my deepest beliefs, we are all to learn about life through experience. i've learned a lot since the loss of my daughter. As her mother, I constantly held a vision of things I wanted to teach her, and instead she became my teacher; only we never met.
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