Empty nest

It's been 4 days since I've been on this emotional rollercoaster of loss and heartbreak. To everyone on the outside I am a strong woman, but sometimes on the inside I am breaking down. I posted comfortably numb on myspace page because i am still in this zoned out state of shock. Sometimes I am optimistic and sometimes I feel empty inside- one week ago an energy of life was inside of my growing like a flower, and now my body is struggling to regain strength.
Physically, I feel as if I was in a war. I have yet to see my episiotomy stiches, walking, sittting is painful and today my milk is about to come in. All of the cramping and physical symptoms will go away- but the flashbacks of my struggles of labor & delivery will not. Sometimes they flash into my mind I could still feel the yanking and tugging of the dr trying to release my lifeless baby from my body. It is a sensation that I will take with me to the grave.
People have been wonderful. They don't know what to say. Yes, I know she was an angel, yes I know she is in heaven, All the family and friends cannot do enough for me.I had asked my family to leave Julia's room as it is- there will be another baby...and that will be her or his room. Seeing baby things is not bothering me- it's just the feeling of having one inside all this time and only to lose her 9 days before.
DH is the best man on earth. He has constantly taken care of me every minute. I am so lucky to have him. I just worry about him at times becasue he is so strong for me, but sometimes he needs to break down too. He keeps encouraging me that we will try once again.....