Just got back from my 6 wk appt. It was overwhelming to go back to the very same office that I last walked into pregnant and eager to hear my baby girl's heartbeat. Luckily, it's not a big ob practice and there were no pregnant women or babies in sight to add to my anxiety. Even the squares on the carpet made me nervous.
Unfortunatly, there's still not an answer for the cause and no cause for the answer. There was evidence of a fetalmaternal hemorrhage- this I already knew but I was hoping by this time there would be more answers to give us "peace" of mind. When my dr made me aware of this a few weeks ago by phone, I did tons of research and only could find two reasons why this happens- a blood type incompatability or a trauma. Since the blood factor has been ruled out, I have been driving myself crazy wondering what I did in those final days that may have affected my beautiful child. Nothing can give me solace becuase now that I know the fact that she lost a lot of blood makes me wonder how much distress she was in. How did I not know? What could have been done? And will it happen again?
I will be monitored by a specialist next time, but I am anxious to even think about going through another pregnancy. Everything reminds me of my pregnancy- from the places I go, to the food I eat, the clothing I wore that is the only thing in my closet that fits. It gets even worse- the scent of cocobutter, the songs on the radio. It all makes me sick. It makes me angry. I want to erase these memories but I cannot look back, instead I have to focus on the future.
Sometimes I get angry but this is not going to bring back my baby. It's natural to be mad at the drs, God, and whoever else. But for me, the only ones I get angry with are the people who have no regard for the miracles that they have.
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