Even though I am not exactly looking forward to the holidays, moving forward in time is a relief. This past weekend, there has been a full moon and a major shifting out there in our solar system. sounding crazy, but I not only belief that we are affected by planetary energies, but I know it. The notion that the full moon brings out the "craziness" has got truth to it. Working in the hospital, we saw more emotional illness during this time and also more women go into labor during a full moon. And ironically, the day I lost Julia was during a lunar eclipse. the night before, I could feel something was not right and even Kitty was behaving strange, even the cat was trying to tell me something.
Anyway, because there is a transition going on somewhere in the cosmos, it's bringing about times of change here. I am doing my best to follow it in a positive light, it is an emotional tide mixed with holidays...great combo. My bf and I often joke about the planets being screwed up and blame them for all the fuckups in our life. I guess I started this after I had a crazy roomate in the keys. She was from brooklyn, with her nyc accent it was hilarious to hear her talking about astrology and her life. She was way ahead of me in the charts, and at that time it was saturn return for her. This the years between 27-30 where everything "hits you in the face" meaning you have realizations of things you may want to accomplish or reflect on things you have (or not). I have a series of saturn blogs somewhere out there...mine involved settling down and getting married- creation of home. I made the right choice, I adore dh and really feel that he is my soulmate.
Argggggggggh...my soulmate is decorating for christmas today. While I am trying to relax, he is climbing a huge tree in our front yard. I can tell this afternoon is going to involve alcohol......
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
after the turkey
I've been dreading the holidays because its a time to remind me of the part of my family that is missing. Thanksgiving is a day to be thankful for what you have and all i could think about is what I don't. I guess I can say I was ok at putting on a front all day. Under controlled tears and crankiness left me feeling like a shaken soda by the end of the day.
It was after we left my parents that dh and i really got into it. He's pointed out that I can't seem to get my life back together, I've not been contributing my part these days, yada, yada, yada. It's all like radio talk to me, I'm living in a different reality than he can even understand. Yes, he is greving too but last night I made him understand how men are from mars and women are from venus. And this venusian is hurting, no matter how much I can convince people that I'm ok, I'm actually broken. And when something doesn't function, well, it's broken.
As a holistic practioner, I help people find balance in the health of their mind, body and spirit. these days, I find that it is not only difficult but impossible to continue with this when I can't even put the pieces of my life back together. My mind is a mess of emotions, my body is like a foreign country- I cannot lose weight or get even close to the shape I was in, my spirit feels like it's been raped. I have always been very spiritual and have tried to maintain my faith but it's hard to believe in anything anymore. I've always walked around thanking God for giving me a beautiful marriage, a great career, a loving family and everything in my life. My attitude is anything but greatful- I admit it. I'm cyncial, pissed and angry...all of the emotions that I promised I would not allow in my heart.
If only I had realized the simplier times in life....
It was after we left my parents that dh and i really got into it. He's pointed out that I can't seem to get my life back together, I've not been contributing my part these days, yada, yada, yada. It's all like radio talk to me, I'm living in a different reality than he can even understand. Yes, he is greving too but last night I made him understand how men are from mars and women are from venus. And this venusian is hurting, no matter how much I can convince people that I'm ok, I'm actually broken. And when something doesn't function, well, it's broken.
As a holistic practioner, I help people find balance in the health of their mind, body and spirit. these days, I find that it is not only difficult but impossible to continue with this when I can't even put the pieces of my life back together. My mind is a mess of emotions, my body is like a foreign country- I cannot lose weight or get even close to the shape I was in, my spirit feels like it's been raped. I have always been very spiritual and have tried to maintain my faith but it's hard to believe in anything anymore. I've always walked around thanking God for giving me a beautiful marriage, a great career, a loving family and everything in my life. My attitude is anything but greatful- I admit it. I'm cyncial, pissed and angry...all of the emotions that I promised I would not allow in my heart.
If only I had realized the simplier times in life....
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Aunt Flo's plane was highjacked
It's been a while since I have had the time to think about my problems since so many others around me are going through some sort of a challenge these days. I've said it before and I say it again, I'm so looking forward to letting go of 2007. Yes I would chalk it up as the worst year ever.
Since the birth, I've felt like a visitor in my own body. It's not just the extra 30 pounds, it's been Ibs, joint pain, and possible thyroid problems. I'm not sure what to expect next. I was expecting to see aunt flo by now, but she has still not arrived, even 2 wks after the milk dried up, no arrival. I have been told that it is normal- here we go with that word- to not have a period for up to 4 mos and sometimes even longer.
I've been feeling that impeding sense of doom that AF was on her way in, the crampy feeling, the back pain, skin changes, the bitchiness- overwhelming desire to go coco for cocopuffs j/k! I know the tide is rolling in, but no sign of her. DH suggested that I go buy a test, but i am not sure I want to know...I'm just not ready- mentally or physically.
Of course, if i am i will make immediate changes in my life as i did before, but i will be a fanatic and i cannot help it. call me crunchy- but after what i went thru it's going to be an organic diet with no exceptions. i also plan on having a fetal heart monitor and very frequent ultrasounds.
a friend of ours is having her baby today. she is 10 days past her due date.i cannot believe how many times they sent her home. sorry, but if it was me, i will threaten to induce my own labor in the parking lot- see how fast they WILL induce! sadly, i cannot go near that hospital to see her, it just freaks me out.
Since the birth, I've felt like a visitor in my own body. It's not just the extra 30 pounds, it's been Ibs, joint pain, and possible thyroid problems. I'm not sure what to expect next. I was expecting to see aunt flo by now, but she has still not arrived, even 2 wks after the milk dried up, no arrival. I have been told that it is normal- here we go with that word- to not have a period for up to 4 mos and sometimes even longer.
I've been feeling that impeding sense of doom that AF was on her way in, the crampy feeling, the back pain, skin changes, the bitchiness- overwhelming desire to go coco for cocopuffs j/k! I know the tide is rolling in, but no sign of her. DH suggested that I go buy a test, but i am not sure I want to know...I'm just not ready- mentally or physically.
Of course, if i am i will make immediate changes in my life as i did before, but i will be a fanatic and i cannot help it. call me crunchy- but after what i went thru it's going to be an organic diet with no exceptions. i also plan on having a fetal heart monitor and very frequent ultrasounds.
a friend of ours is having her baby today. she is 10 days past her due date.i cannot believe how many times they sent her home. sorry, but if it was me, i will threaten to induce my own labor in the parking lot- see how fast they WILL induce! sadly, i cannot go near that hospital to see her, it just freaks me out.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Don't take it personal!
I've made a very conscious decision from day one of this ordeal that when I am faced with people I don't get mad at them for not knowing what to say or saying the wrong thing. I understand that there is a stumbling for words in a case like this. I wouldn't know what to say either.
I do appreciate it when people acknowledge the fact that I even had a baby, and no she wasn't a fetus, she was a 7.12lb full size baby. I don't think they realize that. Yesterday, a co worker and friend of dh stopped by the house. she greeted me with, do you have any news? and I looked at her like what news? She quickly appologized and told me that dh gave some indication that I might be pregnant. I told her not for a while.
Here's where it gets painful, dh wants another pregnancy to happen right away. I can't do it. As much as I want to replace this void, I know there is no replacing Julia. First, I need to consider my health- I need to lose at least 30lbs. It takes me forever to lose weight...I need to eat close to nothing and workout like a monster. (I have lucky genes) This is my struggle everyday- another reason I am dreading the holidays!
Now for the things that people say that I can't help but think are stupid- by telling me there is a very slim chance of this ever happening to me again. Not true- I've heard of other women that have had repeated stillbirths- knowing this alone kills me. Until I have every test known to man and investigate all reports of the autopsy, I can't try again. My mom gets very upset when I say that, but my body is like a foreign country these days.
2- That dh and I are "young". I'm almost 32 but my joints are more like 52.
3- my fav comment from dh bf, that the fun part is making more. while this may be true, it's the 9 mos of worrying and then labor- not going to be fun.
Another one of my fav. books, the four agreements has reminded me of one of them- don't take anything personally. I'm ok with that. I've also applied this principle to the higher power. There is nothing to be taken personal with God, destiny is predetermined.
I do appreciate it when people acknowledge the fact that I even had a baby, and no she wasn't a fetus, she was a 7.12lb full size baby. I don't think they realize that. Yesterday, a co worker and friend of dh stopped by the house. she greeted me with, do you have any news? and I looked at her like what news? She quickly appologized and told me that dh gave some indication that I might be pregnant. I told her not for a while.
Here's where it gets painful, dh wants another pregnancy to happen right away. I can't do it. As much as I want to replace this void, I know there is no replacing Julia. First, I need to consider my health- I need to lose at least 30lbs. It takes me forever to lose weight...I need to eat close to nothing and workout like a monster. (I have lucky genes) This is my struggle everyday- another reason I am dreading the holidays!
Now for the things that people say that I can't help but think are stupid- by telling me there is a very slim chance of this ever happening to me again. Not true- I've heard of other women that have had repeated stillbirths- knowing this alone kills me. Until I have every test known to man and investigate all reports of the autopsy, I can't try again. My mom gets very upset when I say that, but my body is like a foreign country these days.
2- That dh and I are "young". I'm almost 32 but my joints are more like 52.
3- my fav comment from dh bf, that the fun part is making more. while this may be true, it's the 9 mos of worrying and then labor- not going to be fun.
Another one of my fav. books, the four agreements has reminded me of one of them- don't take anything personally. I'm ok with that. I've also applied this principle to the higher power. There is nothing to be taken personal with God, destiny is predetermined.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Bah humbug!
it's beginning to look a lot like christmas and I'm not liking it. So call me a grinch, I am tired of the commercialism of the holidays. Even before we were done with halloween there's christmas trees everywhere.
ironically, everytime I open a catalog i see baby's first christmas items, and it hurts. although, i've gotten so used to feeling this pain i've accepted it as part of my life. i still cry sometimes in my own privacy, but i cannot take part in a pity party, there is always someone else out there who has had a worse experience than i have. this is what keeps me going.
There have been brave women out there who have gone through numerous miscarriages and stillbirths. I don't know how they could deal with that. I can only hope that I can help inspire courage in the hearts of so many woman who are traveling down the same painful journey.
ironically, everytime I open a catalog i see baby's first christmas items, and it hurts. although, i've gotten so used to feeling this pain i've accepted it as part of my life. i still cry sometimes in my own privacy, but i cannot take part in a pity party, there is always someone else out there who has had a worse experience than i have. this is what keeps me going.
There have been brave women out there who have gone through numerous miscarriages and stillbirths. I don't know how they could deal with that. I can only hope that I can help inspire courage in the hearts of so many woman who are traveling down the same painful journey.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Yin and Yang
Today I worked for the first time in months. Eagerly, I jumped back into the world I knew before the pregnancy. Some faces are familiar, some new. It's amazing how many people changed hair, relationships, moved, stayed etc. in a few months. I look at it all like I've been in a time warp or in some sort of a coma, walking back into a new reality.
A few people asked about the baby. They didn't know. I told them. I don't get mad at people for not knowing, or at innocent pregnant women just because they are pregnant. I think this feeling of peace with destiny, no matter how crappy it is. There is no healing when too much anger is involved. Even when people make those blounderous comments that are designed to make me feel better that don't come out right. I understand it's not easy for people deal with the loss of a baby. It's just not supposed to happen. I've learned to dismiss comments like "you're still young, you can have another", "it" (not she) was not meant to be", or "you're strong, you'll be fine."
I just want people to know that I am okay. Yes, it hurts like hell some days but I refuse to be a victim of anything. I cannot allow myself to be. In my deepest beliefs, we are all to learn about life through experience. i've learned a lot since the loss of my daughter. As her mother, I constantly held a vision of things I wanted to teach her, and instead she became my teacher; only we never met.
A few people asked about the baby. They didn't know. I told them. I don't get mad at people for not knowing, or at innocent pregnant women just because they are pregnant. I think this feeling of peace with destiny, no matter how crappy it is. There is no healing when too much anger is involved. Even when people make those blounderous comments that are designed to make me feel better that don't come out right. I understand it's not easy for people deal with the loss of a baby. It's just not supposed to happen. I've learned to dismiss comments like "you're still young, you can have another", "it" (not she) was not meant to be", or "you're strong, you'll be fine."
I just want people to know that I am okay. Yes, it hurts like hell some days but I refuse to be a victim of anything. I cannot allow myself to be. In my deepest beliefs, we are all to learn about life through experience. i've learned a lot since the loss of my daughter. As her mother, I constantly held a vision of things I wanted to teach her, and instead she became my teacher; only we never met.
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