Restless. That's what you become after any pregnancy. Whether or not my child is with me, I still awake in the night to think about her. For some reason I take comfort in waking during the morning hours. I can think, no one can call me for work, and cry if I want to. Usually I read, ocassionally blog. It's a quiet time, the earth is sleeping.
It is those times that I am able to look into myself. Although always self evaluating, and often with judgement, I think about how I have been dealing with the loss of my pregnancy.
Most people would say that I appear to be doing well. I have sold my self confidence to others many times. But then I wonder, how honest have I been? I've done my best to keep busy even though there is not a day or hour when I don't think about my child. Losing her was to really lose aprt of myself. Not my mind, but a sense of innocence of myself. Author Elizabeth Mccracken said it best in her book, " An exact replica of a figment of my imagination" (she tells her own heartbreaking story of her stillborn baby boy affectionately called Pudding) how earth shattering it is to lose this kind of innocence. It is a numbing process.
The damage that this underlying hurt of grief does activates itself when we are stressed. I cannot handle stress the way I used to. The little things in life no longer matter, and the people who worry over trivial, material things suddenly become an annoyance. Even more annoying, are the ones who assume you've lost your marbles right along with the baby. The only way to deal with this to keep walking, rest when tired but do stop to appreciate the roses. The things in life that really matter.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
The crap lottery
n the past year since I have overcome my loss there have been good days and bad days. I had to learn to take one day at a time to maintain my sanity. I've had to overlook thoughtless comments from people, consider their inconsideration, and accept many physical changes in my body that are permanent.
Without thinking about it, I've come to realize that the 30th is the most difficult day of the month. I have nightmares, weird pains as if I'm experiencing labor all over again and not to mention sadness. When I feel like I no longer bear the sadness, I realize the suffering in other people. While I've always been empathetic- I can feel others pain at times, my work gives the opportunity to meet many courageous people. People who have endured suffering like we cannot imagine.
Some have been born with disabling conditions, some have been victims of crimes, tragedies and survivors of deadly accidents. One I know was run over by an old woman and was pronounced dead on the scene. After several brain surgeries, breaking nearly every bone in his body, he learned how to walk again after years. Today he is promoting his own juice tonics at whole foods. He is a positive person and doesn't seem to express anger or resentment- he has forgiven and let go of negative emotions. He is grateful to be alive- and as a result of his gratituity to spirit (or whatever you want to believe in) he is successful.
The same goes for a screenwriter who left a positive impression on me about my writing. Many of this guy's movies that we all have seen (but I cannot name due to confidentiality). He expressed a lot of pain he experienced in his life from a terminal illness at a young age- and then lost the love of his life in a car accident- all this suffering he poured into his movies. Those movies are stories that reach out to others that really came from someone's heart.
I can go on and on with examples. In the midst of a fucked up world, miracles are all around us. We just need to see them in the smallest things. Thank some higher power that put us here in the first place for our food, our air, our shelter. That gratitude will continue on to another kind of blessing. To take it all for granted is to win the crap lottery.
Without thinking about it, I've come to realize that the 30th is the most difficult day of the month. I have nightmares, weird pains as if I'm experiencing labor all over again and not to mention sadness. When I feel like I no longer bear the sadness, I realize the suffering in other people. While I've always been empathetic- I can feel others pain at times, my work gives the opportunity to meet many courageous people. People who have endured suffering like we cannot imagine.
Some have been born with disabling conditions, some have been victims of crimes, tragedies and survivors of deadly accidents. One I know was run over by an old woman and was pronounced dead on the scene. After several brain surgeries, breaking nearly every bone in his body, he learned how to walk again after years. Today he is promoting his own juice tonics at whole foods. He is a positive person and doesn't seem to express anger or resentment- he has forgiven and let go of negative emotions. He is grateful to be alive- and as a result of his gratituity to spirit (or whatever you want to believe in) he is successful.
The same goes for a screenwriter who left a positive impression on me about my writing. Many of this guy's movies that we all have seen (but I cannot name due to confidentiality). He expressed a lot of pain he experienced in his life from a terminal illness at a young age- and then lost the love of his life in a car accident- all this suffering he poured into his movies. Those movies are stories that reach out to others that really came from someone's heart.
I can go on and on with examples. In the midst of a fucked up world, miracles are all around us. We just need to see them in the smallest things. Thank some higher power that put us here in the first place for our food, our air, our shelter. That gratitude will continue on to another kind of blessing. To take it all for granted is to win the crap lottery.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
walking around with pockets of grief.
no one can understand the depth of emotion associated with a loss, unless they've experienced one themselves. it's easy to get cynical, to be angry. to ask why, often pointed at the sky. it's especially challenging when people around you begin to lose their faith. one begins to wonder, if there is a god then why does he allow bad things to happen? in my belief, god or spirit doesn't "allow" bad things to happen to us, we have some kind of connection with previous lifetimes.
sometimes i wonder what his plan is for me. in many ways i am blessed- i am married to a wonderful human being whom i adore, i've had hard working parents who have always loved and supported me.
sometimes i wonder what his plan is for me. in many ways i am blessed- i am married to a wonderful human being whom i adore, i've had hard working parents who have always loved and supported me.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
the day my angel got her wings
Today my daughter would have been celebrating her first birthday. Instead, we are going to a wedding in Ga. While they are close friends of the family, they don't know that it is today. But we go to the wedding, with no one knowing how difficult it was to hold my head up high and just work through it.
Since the wedding was in the evening, Rafa wanted to go to stone mtn, ga. on the way. The last time we visited there I was around 6 mos pregnant with Julia. As crazy as it sounds, I did the hike with many breaks to rest. Everytime I stopped I would become more inspired to continue as I saw 2 other pregnant girls who were even more far along than I was. If they could do it, I could. And one day, I was going to tell my girl all about that crazy trip and how I made it to the top.
This time I did the same trek to the top, but without a pregnant belly. I did fine all day with a few times mentioning her memory in the car on the drive up. At some point during the hike I felt an overwhelming wave of grief, pain, anger, and guilt. Was I fucking crazy to climb this while I was pregnant? No wonder I lost her. I did too much, pushed myself too far. I didn't say this to Rafa, but it was the self abusing thoughts that often happen in the minds of mothers who lost their babies this way.
I sat down on a rock and the tears just flowed. As I looked out into the blue skyline I asked "why?" I could not contain myself from just stopping and letting it all out. People passing by could see me crying, probably thinking I'm wimping out on the rest of the hike. Not that I care what people think, it's the last thing on my mind.
Then the anger set in. While I know I must allow myself to grieve, here I am sitting on a rock crying. I had more steps to take. More stones to cross. I have to keep moving and not be victimized by my loss. I make the choice to stand up and finish the hike, as grueling as it was. With each step, I focused on my breathing. Like the days of my life, I must take them one at a time...stopping when I needed to, but keep rebuilding my strength.
When I arrive at the top I felt stronger in some ways but still broken in others. I walk into the restroom area to see many mothers there with children. It's unbelievably cruel how many babies I saw around the age that Julia would have been- at a mountain top! My huge dark glasses remain on and I get out of there as soon as possible.
On the way back down, my husband feels bad that he took me to a place that triggered a memory of pregnancy. I assured him that it was not his fault. Either way, I knew the day was coming that it will be one year that we went thru this nightmare of losing her.
We both have been each others greatest supporters. We may not be on the same stages at times, but this is what it does to couples. Many times, we don't want to upset each other so we don't see the other's tears. It would be only later that one of us would admit- yes, I thought of her today and I cried.
That is when it is time to consider each other's feelings and become selfless. Comfort the suffering heart of another, that is one of the reasons I am here on this earth. Everyday I stop to empathize with the suffering of others. As painful as our loss was, I keep in my heart others who have endured worse.
Since the wedding was in the evening, Rafa wanted to go to stone mtn, ga. on the way. The last time we visited there I was around 6 mos pregnant with Julia. As crazy as it sounds, I did the hike with many breaks to rest. Everytime I stopped I would become more inspired to continue as I saw 2 other pregnant girls who were even more far along than I was. If they could do it, I could. And one day, I was going to tell my girl all about that crazy trip and how I made it to the top.
This time I did the same trek to the top, but without a pregnant belly. I did fine all day with a few times mentioning her memory in the car on the drive up. At some point during the hike I felt an overwhelming wave of grief, pain, anger, and guilt. Was I fucking crazy to climb this while I was pregnant? No wonder I lost her. I did too much, pushed myself too far. I didn't say this to Rafa, but it was the self abusing thoughts that often happen in the minds of mothers who lost their babies this way.
I sat down on a rock and the tears just flowed. As I looked out into the blue skyline I asked "why?" I could not contain myself from just stopping and letting it all out. People passing by could see me crying, probably thinking I'm wimping out on the rest of the hike. Not that I care what people think, it's the last thing on my mind.
Then the anger set in. While I know I must allow myself to grieve, here I am sitting on a rock crying. I had more steps to take. More stones to cross. I have to keep moving and not be victimized by my loss. I make the choice to stand up and finish the hike, as grueling as it was. With each step, I focused on my breathing. Like the days of my life, I must take them one at a time...stopping when I needed to, but keep rebuilding my strength.
When I arrive at the top I felt stronger in some ways but still broken in others. I walk into the restroom area to see many mothers there with children. It's unbelievably cruel how many babies I saw around the age that Julia would have been- at a mountain top! My huge dark glasses remain on and I get out of there as soon as possible.
On the way back down, my husband feels bad that he took me to a place that triggered a memory of pregnancy. I assured him that it was not his fault. Either way, I knew the day was coming that it will be one year that we went thru this nightmare of losing her.
We both have been each others greatest supporters. We may not be on the same stages at times, but this is what it does to couples. Many times, we don't want to upset each other so we don't see the other's tears. It would be only later that one of us would admit- yes, I thought of her today and I cried.
That is when it is time to consider each other's feelings and become selfless. Comfort the suffering heart of another, that is one of the reasons I am here on this earth. Everyday I stop to empathize with the suffering of others. As painful as our loss was, I keep in my heart others who have endured worse.
Friday, April 4, 2008
rainy days and fridays
the morning she was born it was raining. i remember looking out the hospital window at the rain falling. the sky was crying and i wondered if i would ever be able to live my life normally. it was such a surreal situation, a raw agonizing pain that will always be with me.
months have passed. days go by. but when one carries the burden of grief, there is no holiday. i wake up in the morning on some days and it's the very first thing on my mind...my baby is not with me. where is she? why did this happen to me?
seeing other babies or pregnant women does not make me jealous or mad but sad that she is not with me. i only get angry when i see stupid people abuse or neglect their children. the most heart wrenching feeling in the world is to lose a child.It is a part of your soul that is torn and it feels impossible to get it back.
months have passed. days go by. but when one carries the burden of grief, there is no holiday. i wake up in the morning on some days and it's the very first thing on my mind...my baby is not with me. where is she? why did this happen to me?
seeing other babies or pregnant women does not make me jealous or mad but sad that she is not with me. i only get angry when i see stupid people abuse or neglect their children. the most heart wrenching feeling in the world is to lose a child.It is a part of your soul that is torn and it feels impossible to get it back.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
it's my bday and i'll cry if i want 2
Today I'm one year older. I'm not exactly thrilled that it's my birthday since one year ago today I tested and discovered at 31 I was going to have our first baby. It was the best birthday, just a quiet romantic dinner at Salt Island with my love. I remember feeling like I was on a cloud, all I could imagine or talk about was what the next 9 mos- and my life was going to be like. It was a tremendous awakening. If only I knew, one year later, instead of picking up toys, it's the pieces of my life.
Now at 32 in years, but more like 72 physically and mentally. I have no idea when or how I will ever be able to make it through another pregnancy. I often tell others that I will try again but I don't know if that is to comfort them or myself. I know deep down I am a warrior, but fear sometimes takes over. Even a photo of myself as a baby is disturbing to look at since my baby was a clone of me. She looked like her dad in some ways too, but judging from my first photo after birth, the resemblance is undeniable.
My plans for today are to do absolutely nothing...play some beautiful music, stay warm and drink some good wine while i wear my rose tinted sunglasses. Retail therapy is also a possibility. Although I always seem to buy funky ridiculous things (like a leopard cap, zebra boots, fun hairpieces, etc) that I will never wear but keep for years. Then I look back and wonder what the hell i was thinking when I bought this? oh yea, it was my birthday.
The weight loss has been going well...but chocolate is in the plan for today for sure.
Now at 32 in years, but more like 72 physically and mentally. I have no idea when or how I will ever be able to make it through another pregnancy. I often tell others that I will try again but I don't know if that is to comfort them or myself. I know deep down I am a warrior, but fear sometimes takes over. Even a photo of myself as a baby is disturbing to look at since my baby was a clone of me. She looked like her dad in some ways too, but judging from my first photo after birth, the resemblance is undeniable.
My plans for today are to do absolutely nothing...play some beautiful music, stay warm and drink some good wine while i wear my rose tinted sunglasses. Retail therapy is also a possibility. Although I always seem to buy funky ridiculous things (like a leopard cap, zebra boots, fun hairpieces, etc) that I will never wear but keep for years. Then I look back and wonder what the hell i was thinking when I bought this? oh yea, it was my birthday.
The weight loss has been going well...but chocolate is in the plan for today for sure.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
i had a baby, not a complication
For any of you who happen to read my blogs about health care and insurance companies excuse my vent, because here is one more day that I have to relive the memory of gving birth to my stillborn baby.
I must first explain that while I have insurance (I pay through the nose for as self employed) I had to apply for assistance due to the fact that the maternity plan will cover all but my delivery. Here in Florida, a seperate policy is required for maternity benefits. If the pregancy is a surprise, good luck getting them to pay anything before 6 mos or one year. Something I think is a total injustice to women- no one should be penalized for being pregnant. (i'd have better coverage if i was 15 and unmarried!)
Today my insurance company called me about my doctor resubmiting claims to get paid for the delivery. The office manager knows that the remainder of the bill was 100% covered by the state plan since they did pay the hospital bill in full. The dr office is trying to send the claim as a "complication" of pregnancy. If they do that I will be responsible for $3k of the bill. He will get more money- I was told he's been paid over 1200 $ already.
I expressed my situtation to the agent- Julia was a healthy baby. There was no reason for her death other than the doctor making me wait to deliver. I whole heartedly believed she needed to come out at 38 1/2 wks. I was overblown with amniotic fluid and felt really bad the last 2 wks.The baby even moved in ways that seemed awkward to me (but what do i know- it's only my body) My complaints were dismissed as typical discomforts of pregnancy.
Up until now I have peacefully (and painfully) processed my grief for my loss. Now, I cannot help but get angry.
I must first explain that while I have insurance (I pay through the nose for as self employed) I had to apply for assistance due to the fact that the maternity plan will cover all but my delivery. Here in Florida, a seperate policy is required for maternity benefits. If the pregancy is a surprise, good luck getting them to pay anything before 6 mos or one year. Something I think is a total injustice to women- no one should be penalized for being pregnant. (i'd have better coverage if i was 15 and unmarried!)
Today my insurance company called me about my doctor resubmiting claims to get paid for the delivery. The office manager knows that the remainder of the bill was 100% covered by the state plan since they did pay the hospital bill in full. The dr office is trying to send the claim as a "complication" of pregnancy. If they do that I will be responsible for $3k of the bill. He will get more money- I was told he's been paid over 1200 $ already.
I expressed my situtation to the agent- Julia was a healthy baby. There was no reason for her death other than the doctor making me wait to deliver. I whole heartedly believed she needed to come out at 38 1/2 wks. I was overblown with amniotic fluid and felt really bad the last 2 wks.The baby even moved in ways that seemed awkward to me (but what do i know- it's only my body) My complaints were dismissed as typical discomforts of pregnancy.
Up until now I have peacefully (and painfully) processed my grief for my loss. Now, I cannot help but get angry.
An angel smiles
So I went to see the little angel baby yesterday. It took me all say to get the courage to go to the hospital because I don't want to cry in front of her. The last thing she needs right now is someone to fall apart in front of her.
Named after an angel, Gabriel is a beautiful, good baby. Even with a virus affecting his brain he barely makes a fuss and I noticed while mom fed him he smiles :) He is strong and is going to pull through this. Even though the doctors are now saying he may have a genetic disorder. I don't believe it. I truly believe there was nothing wrong with this baby. Their so called "speculated" diagnosis could be the result of a complication of undiagnosed meningitis. It's clear as day that the doctors are scrambling to come up with something because this child has been sick for over a week. Mom did everything possible to get the ped. to listen to her concerns over his breathing.
My blogs are not meant to attack the medical profession. Many are my heroes but I also have worked in a place I called "medical negligence at its best" I've seen so many things covered up its just plain sad. I was also taught in nursing school COA 101 "cover your ass" (and the doctors too or its your job). How can anything change if we keep quiet? How can we help sick people when 18000 Americans die each year because they do not have insurance? And how can we vote for presidential candidates that accept large bribes from pharmaceutical companies to keep the vicious cycle going?
Named after an angel, Gabriel is a beautiful, good baby. Even with a virus affecting his brain he barely makes a fuss and I noticed while mom fed him he smiles :) He is strong and is going to pull through this. Even though the doctors are now saying he may have a genetic disorder. I don't believe it. I truly believe there was nothing wrong with this baby. Their so called "speculated" diagnosis could be the result of a complication of undiagnosed meningitis. It's clear as day that the doctors are scrambling to come up with something because this child has been sick for over a week. Mom did everything possible to get the ped. to listen to her concerns over his breathing.
My blogs are not meant to attack the medical profession. Many are my heroes but I also have worked in a place I called "medical negligence at its best" I've seen so many things covered up its just plain sad. I was also taught in nursing school COA 101 "cover your ass" (and the doctors too or its your job). How can anything change if we keep quiet? How can we help sick people when 18000 Americans die each year because they do not have insurance? And how can we vote for presidential candidates that accept large bribes from pharmaceutical companies to keep the vicious cycle going?
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
There's no crying in baseball (or in politics)
Hilary cried today and boy did it make headlines.
Crying is a "normal" ( my least fav word ever) part of being human. Everyone should be allowed to cry when they need to. Only, I have always said when it comes to work, never let them see ya cry. I worked in stressful situations in the ER with difficult people that went around making everyone cry. I recognized it as a power trip that I refuse to travel on. If I let someone make me cry it in the er, then my integrity was compromised. But that is a different type of crying than getting slightly chocked up about something we are passionate about.
We expect that kind of thing from Halle Berry when she wins an award, Jerry Lewis at the end of a labor day telethon, and maybe even the judge from the Anna Nicole trial. Americans are not going to vote for a man or a woman that cries. In Hilary's defense I think being a woman has her in a "damned if you do" position. If she stands strong they label her an ice queen, but if not she might be too weak to press the button if we need to go to war. It just seems so unfair, she should be able to show emotion without the media throwing it all around and trying to sabotage her running.
Which is why I think she voted not once but twice for the war in Iraq. It was to prove that she can think like a dude. If it wasn't for a few things like this I've found about her recently, she did have my vote. When she was caught in her moment of emotion it seemed to be about change. Yes, change is an action Americans really need to see. We need to change many situations we are in, starting with all of the soldiers giving their lives everyday. Then maybe we could work on healthcare?
Either way, a crying democrat is better than a lying republican.
Crying is a "normal" ( my least fav word ever) part of being human. Everyone should be allowed to cry when they need to. Only, I have always said when it comes to work, never let them see ya cry. I worked in stressful situations in the ER with difficult people that went around making everyone cry. I recognized it as a power trip that I refuse to travel on. If I let someone make me cry it in the er, then my integrity was compromised. But that is a different type of crying than getting slightly chocked up about something we are passionate about.
We expect that kind of thing from Halle Berry when she wins an award, Jerry Lewis at the end of a labor day telethon, and maybe even the judge from the Anna Nicole trial. Americans are not going to vote for a man or a woman that cries. In Hilary's defense I think being a woman has her in a "damned if you do" position. If she stands strong they label her an ice queen, but if not she might be too weak to press the button if we need to go to war. It just seems so unfair, she should be able to show emotion without the media throwing it all around and trying to sabotage her running.
Which is why I think she voted not once but twice for the war in Iraq. It was to prove that she can think like a dude. If it wasn't for a few things like this I've found about her recently, she did have my vote. When she was caught in her moment of emotion it seemed to be about change. Yes, change is an action Americans really need to see. We need to change many situations we are in, starting with all of the soldiers giving their lives everyday. Then maybe we could work on healthcare?
Either way, a crying democrat is better than a lying republican.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
the same old dog and pony show
Ok, I don't like to talk politics but this is only the beginning of a long election. Everyone's buzzing about the Iowa cacus-( what a gross word, sounds like something that died on the roadside.) I honestly have lost my faith in the government after all that has happened. I feel that there are so few politicians that can "walk the talk". There are insane amounts of money involved and their words are often broken promises.
I'm not interested in even voting after the last two elections. but i realize it is a right i should feel lucky to have...it just seems difficult to believe in the government. the right wing is evil and must be destroyed, there is no doubt about that. i feel sorry for the next person to receive the hell in a hand basket mess.
yea, yea i am going to vote. this time i'll try not to use my voter registration card as a lipstick blotter. :)
"bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity"- unknown
I'm not interested in even voting after the last two elections. but i realize it is a right i should feel lucky to have...it just seems difficult to believe in the government. the right wing is evil and must be destroyed, there is no doubt about that. i feel sorry for the next person to receive the hell in a hand basket mess.
yea, yea i am going to vote. this time i'll try not to use my voter registration card as a lipstick blotter. :)
"bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity"- unknown
Friday, January 4, 2008
Or she will be the next Anna Nicole. For anyone who has turned on the news this morning and saw the video of a smiling spaced out Britney, it was a scary sight. Apparently, she was strung out on an unknown substance. Once again, the media is swarming around her like killer bees and they took away her children. At this point, I don't think it matters any longer, this has got to be the last straw.
After years of working in the ER in the real world, anyone behaving this way would typically be held for evaluation for at least 72 hrs. (without any contact of friends or family). When I've seen the eyes of people like this it seems like their soul is lost. It's sad to see but there is no one that can stop her from using drugs but her.
I see the situation in more than one light and I don't know what to think. While I think there are enough examples in history of child stars grown up bad, people are responsible for their own choices.The part that makes us all furious is that she is a mom, pop star or not, it's time to grow up and be a good parent.
In a way her story is sad because if you think about it, she didn't have a chance to grow up like everyone else. The life of a pop star is far from "normal". Then she got involved with the wrong guy and there was probably very little advice she would hear from anyone. Even Donald Trump gave his public opinion about how she made the biggest mistake of her life by marrying him without a prenup. From a woman's standpoint, I think she gave her up her power to a dirtbag and now he's coming out of it smelling like a rose. Again, this was her poor choice. But this could be anyone- she won't be the first woman to fall in love with a loser- only she became less than what she could be.
It really shouldn't be anyone's business. But then again, she doesn't seem to avoid the media attention. Driving around in cars that don't even have tinted windows and wearing hot pink hair doesn't exactly cammoflauge a person. Perhaps she doesn't know anything else but catching the eye of the camera. She may have been charming as a mouseketeer, it's just not charming anymore.
I hear a lot of people refer her to behavior as postpartum depression. It could very well be. Or is it that she does not want to assume custody of her children so that "kfed" has the burden of being the full time parent while she can party in the limelight. Either way, I hope she gets it together for the sake of those kids. And while there may be too many of us buzzing, blogging, gossiping- we are disgusted with people (celebrity or not) who treat their children like their handbags. It feels like such an injustice to see God give this girl two beautiful children when some of us either can't have any or lost our babies.
There are times when I wonder what in the world the next generation is going to be like
After years of working in the ER in the real world, anyone behaving this way would typically be held for evaluation for at least 72 hrs. (without any contact of friends or family). When I've seen the eyes of people like this it seems like their soul is lost. It's sad to see but there is no one that can stop her from using drugs but her.
I see the situation in more than one light and I don't know what to think. While I think there are enough examples in history of child stars grown up bad, people are responsible for their own choices.The part that makes us all furious is that she is a mom, pop star or not, it's time to grow up and be a good parent.
In a way her story is sad because if you think about it, she didn't have a chance to grow up like everyone else. The life of a pop star is far from "normal". Then she got involved with the wrong guy and there was probably very little advice she would hear from anyone. Even Donald Trump gave his public opinion about how she made the biggest mistake of her life by marrying him without a prenup. From a woman's standpoint, I think she gave her up her power to a dirtbag and now he's coming out of it smelling like a rose. Again, this was her poor choice. But this could be anyone- she won't be the first woman to fall in love with a loser- only she became less than what she could be.
It really shouldn't be anyone's business. But then again, she doesn't seem to avoid the media attention. Driving around in cars that don't even have tinted windows and wearing hot pink hair doesn't exactly cammoflauge a person. Perhaps she doesn't know anything else but catching the eye of the camera. She may have been charming as a mouseketeer, it's just not charming anymore.
I hear a lot of people refer her to behavior as postpartum depression. It could very well be. Or is it that she does not want to assume custody of her children so that "kfed" has the burden of being the full time parent while she can party in the limelight. Either way, I hope she gets it together for the sake of those kids. And while there may be too many of us buzzing, blogging, gossiping- we are disgusted with people (celebrity or not) who treat their children like their handbags. It feels like such an injustice to see God give this girl two beautiful children when some of us either can't have any or lost our babies.
There are times when I wonder what in the world the next generation is going to be like
A brand new start
I woke up with an usual blissful state of being. Depsite the slight dehydrated feeling, I woke up thankful for all that I have. From the soft fresh sheets, cozy pj's, to the loved ones I share the bed with, dh and kitty-kitty. Dh had to rush off to work while I was still in my crown royal induced coma.
It was a small party over the house last night followed by a drunken spin through Universal city walk to ring in the new year and watch the fireworks. This morning we had our coffee out side, even the air feels different to me.
I look into 2008 with strong anticipation. Overall, I am continuing a complete transformation from the inside out. I have learned so much from unfortunate events. I am still searching and redefining myself in ways I thought were not possible. I cannot change what was, only what will be.
It was a small party over the house last night followed by a drunken spin through Universal city walk to ring in the new year and watch the fireworks. This morning we had our coffee out side, even the air feels different to me.
I look into 2008 with strong anticipation. Overall, I am continuing a complete transformation from the inside out. I have learned so much from unfortunate events. I am still searching and redefining myself in ways I thought were not possible. I cannot change what was, only what will be.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Diary of a carb queen in the cold
For the first few days of the year Florida weather is showing signs of the typical "winter". On new years it was really not that cold, but the following days after have dropped from the 80's all the way to the 40's. Jack Frost was out this morning and he totally sabotaged my workout. Oh well, better Jack Frost than jack daniels.
I'm sorry for those who are in snow while I complain about a nippy yet sunny morning. I just cannot do cold anymore. If I could move any further south then I would. Cold weather does nothing for me but keep me indoors and under covers.
I'll admit that I do not want to even think about getting on the scale today. That victorous 5 lbs that I lost in the past week may have made a comeback since the last days I have fallen off the wagon. Since we've rung in the new year, besides the drinks, there have been many indulgences in bread and chips. (chips not good for hips!) Yesterday dh talked me into chinese food- and I did eat some chocolates.
My plan is to not deprive myself of everything. but from past experience, I know that if I want to lose the weight, there can not be too many "off the wagon" days. There can not be skip the gym days. I glanced through Michael Thurman's book yesterday and agree with a lot of his weight loss principles. He claims his diet can reduce one pant size in 6 days. Of course I think it's possible, but one must follow his plan of no sugar, lower carbs and lots of water (and the 6 sm meal a day plan) Dh continues to debate with me that not eating is going to help. When actaully, skipping meals is only a recipe to appear larger.
I can't seem to help my carb addiction. I've read somewhere that there is a gene for carb addiction- could it be more in people like me of Italian descent? Since I've known myself, I've always loved breads, pasta, cakes and pastry! My grandparents always found holes in the italian bread when they got home from the market. My grandfather used to speculate there was a mouse with my name in the car. The shop owner then had a small loaf of bread waiting for me when I would go shopping with my grandma. That was only the beginning. It took years of eating too much of the wrong stuff to realize it was draining my energy and making me fat.
Today's plan is simple. No bread :( only salad, a soup (or stoup as Rachel Ray calls a stew/soup), lean proteins and beans. I already made it through the morning without sugar in my coffee, no sugars today.
Activity- stomach crunches, leg lifts, walking lunges...away from the fridge:)
I'm sorry for those who are in snow while I complain about a nippy yet sunny morning. I just cannot do cold anymore. If I could move any further south then I would. Cold weather does nothing for me but keep me indoors and under covers.
I'll admit that I do not want to even think about getting on the scale today. That victorous 5 lbs that I lost in the past week may have made a comeback since the last days I have fallen off the wagon. Since we've rung in the new year, besides the drinks, there have been many indulgences in bread and chips. (chips not good for hips!) Yesterday dh talked me into chinese food- and I did eat some chocolates.
My plan is to not deprive myself of everything. but from past experience, I know that if I want to lose the weight, there can not be too many "off the wagon" days. There can not be skip the gym days. I glanced through Michael Thurman's book yesterday and agree with a lot of his weight loss principles. He claims his diet can reduce one pant size in 6 days. Of course I think it's possible, but one must follow his plan of no sugar, lower carbs and lots of water (and the 6 sm meal a day plan) Dh continues to debate with me that not eating is going to help. When actaully, skipping meals is only a recipe to appear larger.
I can't seem to help my carb addiction. I've read somewhere that there is a gene for carb addiction- could it be more in people like me of Italian descent? Since I've known myself, I've always loved breads, pasta, cakes and pastry! My grandparents always found holes in the italian bread when they got home from the market. My grandfather used to speculate there was a mouse with my name in the car. The shop owner then had a small loaf of bread waiting for me when I would go shopping with my grandma. That was only the beginning. It took years of eating too much of the wrong stuff to realize it was draining my energy and making me fat.
Today's plan is simple. No bread :( only salad, a soup (or stoup as Rachel Ray calls a stew/soup), lean proteins and beans. I already made it through the morning without sugar in my coffee, no sugars today.
Activity- stomach crunches, leg lifts, walking lunges...away from the fridge:)
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Even though it is a cold day in sunny Florida, it still is sunny. I spent the last days cleaning here and there just to go into the new year with a good feeling. I have to admit my house has been dark, dusty and dirty ( to my standards anyway) I haven't really cared about cleaning when usually it bothers me. Today it's refreshed and bright. It's amazing how outer world affects inner world.
New year's resolutions only work for me if i write them down and post somewhere that i regularly see the list. Last year at new year's I was pregnant and did not know it. I said that it was posibility that this would be the TTC year. Little did I know there wouldn't be much trying. It just happened. In retrospect, this tells me that Julia was meant to change my direction in life. I have not included anything about a baby on my list because the goals I have listed must be done first.
1. release clutter from my life. this includes paperwork, clothing that doesn't fit or is no longer worn.
2. school. It's time to learn a new skill and also redefine my resume.
3. workout like a demon.
4. get healthy. this means not just eating, but being persistant with healthful behaviors.
5. go green. change some earthy behaviors, using less chemicals to clean.
6. attend spiritual meetings. i am a recovering catholic. while i respect the faith i was born into, i feel that it is too much of an organized congregation that is distant from modern times. I've spent years feeling guilty over nothing- it's time to explore practices that help us be better human beings than to point fingers.
7. work on helping others who have lost babies to stillbirth.
8. remodel both bathrooms in my house. and redecorate.
9. travel. hopefully, we can make it to France this year to see my sister-in-law. Also I would like to make it back to Brasil or Mexico.
10. prepare mentally and physically for another pregnancy. i don't know how long this will take, but I am not rushing into it.
New year's resolutions only work for me if i write them down and post somewhere that i regularly see the list. Last year at new year's I was pregnant and did not know it. I said that it was posibility that this would be the TTC year. Little did I know there wouldn't be much trying. It just happened. In retrospect, this tells me that Julia was meant to change my direction in life. I have not included anything about a baby on my list because the goals I have listed must be done first.
1. release clutter from my life. this includes paperwork, clothing that doesn't fit or is no longer worn.
2. school. It's time to learn a new skill and also redefine my resume.
3. workout like a demon.
4. get healthy. this means not just eating, but being persistant with healthful behaviors.
5. go green. change some earthy behaviors, using less chemicals to clean.
6. attend spiritual meetings. i am a recovering catholic. while i respect the faith i was born into, i feel that it is too much of an organized congregation that is distant from modern times. I've spent years feeling guilty over nothing- it's time to explore practices that help us be better human beings than to point fingers.
7. work on helping others who have lost babies to stillbirth.
8. remodel both bathrooms in my house. and redecorate.
9. travel. hopefully, we can make it to France this year to see my sister-in-law. Also I would like to make it back to Brasil or Mexico.
10. prepare mentally and physically for another pregnancy. i don't know how long this will take, but I am not rushing into it.
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