Today I'm one year older. I'm not exactly thrilled that it's my birthday since one year ago today I tested and discovered at 31 I was going to have our first baby. It was the best birthday, just a quiet romantic dinner at Salt Island with my love. I remember feeling like I was on a cloud, all I could imagine or talk about was what the next 9 mos- and my life was going to be like. It was a tremendous awakening. If only I knew, one year later, instead of picking up toys, it's the pieces of my life.
Now at 32 in years, but more like 72 physically and mentally. I have no idea when or how I will ever be able to make it through another pregnancy. I often tell others that I will try again but I don't know if that is to comfort them or myself. I know deep down I am a warrior, but fear sometimes takes over. Even a photo of myself as a baby is disturbing to look at since my baby was a clone of me. She looked like her dad in some ways too, but judging from my first photo after birth, the resemblance is undeniable.
My plans for today are to do absolutely nothing...play some beautiful music, stay warm and drink some good wine while i wear my rose tinted sunglasses. Retail therapy is also a possibility. Although I always seem to buy funky ridiculous things (like a leopard cap, zebra boots, fun hairpieces, etc) that I will never wear but keep for years. Then I look back and wonder what the hell i was thinking when I bought this? oh yea, it was my birthday.
The weight loss has been going well...but chocolate is in the plan for today for sure.
No comments:
Post a Comment