the morning she was born it was raining. i remember looking out the hospital window at the rain falling. the sky was crying and i wondered if i would ever be able to live my life normally. it was such a surreal situation, a raw agonizing pain that will always be with me.
months have passed. days go by. but when one carries the burden of grief, there is no holiday. i wake up in the morning on some days and it's the very first thing on my mind...my baby is not with me. where is she? why did this happen to me?
seeing other babies or pregnant women does not make me jealous or mad but sad that she is not with me. i only get angry when i see stupid people abuse or neglect their children. the most heart wrenching feeling in the world is to lose a child.It is a part of your soul that is torn and it feels impossible to get it back.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
it's my bday and i'll cry if i want 2
Today I'm one year older. I'm not exactly thrilled that it's my birthday since one year ago today I tested and discovered at 31 I was going to have our first baby. It was the best birthday, just a quiet romantic dinner at Salt Island with my love. I remember feeling like I was on a cloud, all I could imagine or talk about was what the next 9 mos- and my life was going to be like. It was a tremendous awakening. If only I knew, one year later, instead of picking up toys, it's the pieces of my life.
Now at 32 in years, but more like 72 physically and mentally. I have no idea when or how I will ever be able to make it through another pregnancy. I often tell others that I will try again but I don't know if that is to comfort them or myself. I know deep down I am a warrior, but fear sometimes takes over. Even a photo of myself as a baby is disturbing to look at since my baby was a clone of me. She looked like her dad in some ways too, but judging from my first photo after birth, the resemblance is undeniable.
My plans for today are to do absolutely nothing...play some beautiful music, stay warm and drink some good wine while i wear my rose tinted sunglasses. Retail therapy is also a possibility. Although I always seem to buy funky ridiculous things (like a leopard cap, zebra boots, fun hairpieces, etc) that I will never wear but keep for years. Then I look back and wonder what the hell i was thinking when I bought this? oh yea, it was my birthday.
The weight loss has been going well...but chocolate is in the plan for today for sure.
Now at 32 in years, but more like 72 physically and mentally. I have no idea when or how I will ever be able to make it through another pregnancy. I often tell others that I will try again but I don't know if that is to comfort them or myself. I know deep down I am a warrior, but fear sometimes takes over. Even a photo of myself as a baby is disturbing to look at since my baby was a clone of me. She looked like her dad in some ways too, but judging from my first photo after birth, the resemblance is undeniable.
My plans for today are to do absolutely nothing...play some beautiful music, stay warm and drink some good wine while i wear my rose tinted sunglasses. Retail therapy is also a possibility. Although I always seem to buy funky ridiculous things (like a leopard cap, zebra boots, fun hairpieces, etc) that I will never wear but keep for years. Then I look back and wonder what the hell i was thinking when I bought this? oh yea, it was my birthday.
The weight loss has been going well...but chocolate is in the plan for today for sure.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
i had a baby, not a complication
For any of you who happen to read my blogs about health care and insurance companies excuse my vent, because here is one more day that I have to relive the memory of gving birth to my stillborn baby.
I must first explain that while I have insurance (I pay through the nose for as self employed) I had to apply for assistance due to the fact that the maternity plan will cover all but my delivery. Here in Florida, a seperate policy is required for maternity benefits. If the pregancy is a surprise, good luck getting them to pay anything before 6 mos or one year. Something I think is a total injustice to women- no one should be penalized for being pregnant. (i'd have better coverage if i was 15 and unmarried!)
Today my insurance company called me about my doctor resubmiting claims to get paid for the delivery. The office manager knows that the remainder of the bill was 100% covered by the state plan since they did pay the hospital bill in full. The dr office is trying to send the claim as a "complication" of pregnancy. If they do that I will be responsible for $3k of the bill. He will get more money- I was told he's been paid over 1200 $ already.
I expressed my situtation to the agent- Julia was a healthy baby. There was no reason for her death other than the doctor making me wait to deliver. I whole heartedly believed she needed to come out at 38 1/2 wks. I was overblown with amniotic fluid and felt really bad the last 2 wks.The baby even moved in ways that seemed awkward to me (but what do i know- it's only my body) My complaints were dismissed as typical discomforts of pregnancy.
Up until now I have peacefully (and painfully) processed my grief for my loss. Now, I cannot help but get angry.
I must first explain that while I have insurance (I pay through the nose for as self employed) I had to apply for assistance due to the fact that the maternity plan will cover all but my delivery. Here in Florida, a seperate policy is required for maternity benefits. If the pregancy is a surprise, good luck getting them to pay anything before 6 mos or one year. Something I think is a total injustice to women- no one should be penalized for being pregnant. (i'd have better coverage if i was 15 and unmarried!)
Today my insurance company called me about my doctor resubmiting claims to get paid for the delivery. The office manager knows that the remainder of the bill was 100% covered by the state plan since they did pay the hospital bill in full. The dr office is trying to send the claim as a "complication" of pregnancy. If they do that I will be responsible for $3k of the bill. He will get more money- I was told he's been paid over 1200 $ already.
I expressed my situtation to the agent- Julia was a healthy baby. There was no reason for her death other than the doctor making me wait to deliver. I whole heartedly believed she needed to come out at 38 1/2 wks. I was overblown with amniotic fluid and felt really bad the last 2 wks.The baby even moved in ways that seemed awkward to me (but what do i know- it's only my body) My complaints were dismissed as typical discomforts of pregnancy.
Up until now I have peacefully (and painfully) processed my grief for my loss. Now, I cannot help but get angry.
An angel smiles
So I went to see the little angel baby yesterday. It took me all say to get the courage to go to the hospital because I don't want to cry in front of her. The last thing she needs right now is someone to fall apart in front of her.
Named after an angel, Gabriel is a beautiful, good baby. Even with a virus affecting his brain he barely makes a fuss and I noticed while mom fed him he smiles :) He is strong and is going to pull through this. Even though the doctors are now saying he may have a genetic disorder. I don't believe it. I truly believe there was nothing wrong with this baby. Their so called "speculated" diagnosis could be the result of a complication of undiagnosed meningitis. It's clear as day that the doctors are scrambling to come up with something because this child has been sick for over a week. Mom did everything possible to get the ped. to listen to her concerns over his breathing.
My blogs are not meant to attack the medical profession. Many are my heroes but I also have worked in a place I called "medical negligence at its best" I've seen so many things covered up its just plain sad. I was also taught in nursing school COA 101 "cover your ass" (and the doctors too or its your job). How can anything change if we keep quiet? How can we help sick people when 18000 Americans die each year because they do not have insurance? And how can we vote for presidential candidates that accept large bribes from pharmaceutical companies to keep the vicious cycle going?
Named after an angel, Gabriel is a beautiful, good baby. Even with a virus affecting his brain he barely makes a fuss and I noticed while mom fed him he smiles :) He is strong and is going to pull through this. Even though the doctors are now saying he may have a genetic disorder. I don't believe it. I truly believe there was nothing wrong with this baby. Their so called "speculated" diagnosis could be the result of a complication of undiagnosed meningitis. It's clear as day that the doctors are scrambling to come up with something because this child has been sick for over a week. Mom did everything possible to get the ped. to listen to her concerns over his breathing.
My blogs are not meant to attack the medical profession. Many are my heroes but I also have worked in a place I called "medical negligence at its best" I've seen so many things covered up its just plain sad. I was also taught in nursing school COA 101 "cover your ass" (and the doctors too or its your job). How can anything change if we keep quiet? How can we help sick people when 18000 Americans die each year because they do not have insurance? And how can we vote for presidential candidates that accept large bribes from pharmaceutical companies to keep the vicious cycle going?
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
There's no crying in baseball (or in politics)
Hilary cried today and boy did it make headlines.
Crying is a "normal" ( my least fav word ever) part of being human. Everyone should be allowed to cry when they need to. Only, I have always said when it comes to work, never let them see ya cry. I worked in stressful situations in the ER with difficult people that went around making everyone cry. I recognized it as a power trip that I refuse to travel on. If I let someone make me cry it in the er, then my integrity was compromised. But that is a different type of crying than getting slightly chocked up about something we are passionate about.
We expect that kind of thing from Halle Berry when she wins an award, Jerry Lewis at the end of a labor day telethon, and maybe even the judge from the Anna Nicole trial. Americans are not going to vote for a man or a woman that cries. In Hilary's defense I think being a woman has her in a "damned if you do" position. If she stands strong they label her an ice queen, but if not she might be too weak to press the button if we need to go to war. It just seems so unfair, she should be able to show emotion without the media throwing it all around and trying to sabotage her running.
Which is why I think she voted not once but twice for the war in Iraq. It was to prove that she can think like a dude. If it wasn't for a few things like this I've found about her recently, she did have my vote. When she was caught in her moment of emotion it seemed to be about change. Yes, change is an action Americans really need to see. We need to change many situations we are in, starting with all of the soldiers giving their lives everyday. Then maybe we could work on healthcare?
Either way, a crying democrat is better than a lying republican.
Crying is a "normal" ( my least fav word ever) part of being human. Everyone should be allowed to cry when they need to. Only, I have always said when it comes to work, never let them see ya cry. I worked in stressful situations in the ER with difficult people that went around making everyone cry. I recognized it as a power trip that I refuse to travel on. If I let someone make me cry it in the er, then my integrity was compromised. But that is a different type of crying than getting slightly chocked up about something we are passionate about.
We expect that kind of thing from Halle Berry when she wins an award, Jerry Lewis at the end of a labor day telethon, and maybe even the judge from the Anna Nicole trial. Americans are not going to vote for a man or a woman that cries. In Hilary's defense I think being a woman has her in a "damned if you do" position. If she stands strong they label her an ice queen, but if not she might be too weak to press the button if we need to go to war. It just seems so unfair, she should be able to show emotion without the media throwing it all around and trying to sabotage her running.
Which is why I think she voted not once but twice for the war in Iraq. It was to prove that she can think like a dude. If it wasn't for a few things like this I've found about her recently, she did have my vote. When she was caught in her moment of emotion it seemed to be about change. Yes, change is an action Americans really need to see. We need to change many situations we are in, starting with all of the soldiers giving their lives everyday. Then maybe we could work on healthcare?
Either way, a crying democrat is better than a lying republican.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
the same old dog and pony show
Ok, I don't like to talk politics but this is only the beginning of a long election. Everyone's buzzing about the Iowa cacus-( what a gross word, sounds like something that died on the roadside.) I honestly have lost my faith in the government after all that has happened. I feel that there are so few politicians that can "walk the talk". There are insane amounts of money involved and their words are often broken promises.
I'm not interested in even voting after the last two elections. but i realize it is a right i should feel lucky to have...it just seems difficult to believe in the government. the right wing is evil and must be destroyed, there is no doubt about that. i feel sorry for the next person to receive the hell in a hand basket mess.
yea, yea i am going to vote. this time i'll try not to use my voter registration card as a lipstick blotter. :)
"bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity"- unknown
I'm not interested in even voting after the last two elections. but i realize it is a right i should feel lucky to have...it just seems difficult to believe in the government. the right wing is evil and must be destroyed, there is no doubt about that. i feel sorry for the next person to receive the hell in a hand basket mess.
yea, yea i am going to vote. this time i'll try not to use my voter registration card as a lipstick blotter. :)
"bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity"- unknown
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)