It's been a rainy weekend, but quiet. I'm starting to feel a bit more in control of my emotions. Finally, I made it to the gym and was happy to see that I lost 4 lbs. out of the 40 I need to lose. IT's amazing, I feel flabby but not 40 lbs overweight. Once the weight is gone, it's another step towards healing. Not having to see a once pregnant belly in the mirror.
In a spiritual sense, this whole ugly event has taught me to appreciate and love my body- even though some part of me feels that she (my body) has failed me. When I'm honest with myself, I realize it's not my body that failed me, it's my mind. No, it's not that i am beating myself up, I'm having a very human awakening. There are times when I was too negative about my body image, my ability to handle a baby, disappointment over goals that I did not acheive. Those thoughts are lies. I'm reading the Four Agreements and it's wonderful! the first "agreement"- be impeccable with your word- stop using it against yourself!
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Friday, September 28, 2007
"peace" of mind
finally i spoke with the dr yesterday. of course i had to wait all day for the phone call so by the time he called back i was shaking, sitting on a pins and needles sofa. apparently, some of the babies blood cells were backed up into my blood. of course, what happened is extrememly rare and there is not much of an explaination as to why it happened. this is a mystery to my dr, and even more confusing to me. usually, this happens when there is RH dis-ease present. So I've racked my brain with could i be rh neg and not know it? I tested positive!
Then the other indication for fetomaternal hem. is an abdominal trauma. The dr asked me if I had any kind of injury. Well, the last few weeks I felt like humpty dumpty, but there was no great fall. I was active, I carried groceries, I vacuumed, cleaned but nothing that I can recall.
I still have 2 more wks until I go back to the dr, and then the specialists. Hopefully, there will be more tests back to get the full picture. Having some news has been therapuetic for me. Although I admit it has added to my obsession in a way, I am researching all I can about it. Each year, 26,000 American women experience this nightmare and there is so little research about it. As each hospital is different, there is not any universal protocol for stillbirths. I don't see myself going back into healthcare any time in the future (thought i did!), but it is something I cannot stop to investigate. There has to be more we can do to stop this or at least identify why instead of sending parents home to go crazy wondering.
Then the other indication for fetomaternal hem. is an abdominal trauma. The dr asked me if I had any kind of injury. Well, the last few weeks I felt like humpty dumpty, but there was no great fall. I was active, I carried groceries, I vacuumed, cleaned but nothing that I can recall.
I still have 2 more wks until I go back to the dr, and then the specialists. Hopefully, there will be more tests back to get the full picture. Having some news has been therapuetic for me. Although I admit it has added to my obsession in a way, I am researching all I can about it. Each year, 26,000 American women experience this nightmare and there is so little research about it. As each hospital is different, there is not any universal protocol for stillbirths. I don't see myself going back into healthcare any time in the future (thought i did!), but it is something I cannot stop to investigate. There has to be more we can do to stop this or at least identify why instead of sending parents home to go crazy wondering.
Friday, September 21, 2007
time to blow up the tv
Heading into week 3, it's amazing how slow the time is going. days are passing by and I am acomplishing nothing. I am trying to not be so hard on myself, but I think it's a nice day to get out of this house.
The tv is beginning to piss me off...usually I avoid the news. From the typical political BS to the guy who wants to sue God to prove a point. Even worse, the 18 yr old girl who delivered her baby in a college dorm and suffocated her. I once read that Elvis used to shoot at his tvs- pretty psychotic but now it all makes some sort of sense.
i'm tired of seeing the view- and the today show the women are annoying at times. On every channel the topic of the day is about sex and marriage. (or divorce)- Just because this stupid political woman in germany thinks all marriages should just dissolve after 7 yrs. Maybe if people stopped getting married for the wrong reasons- ie money, they think nothing better will come along, the sex- a ridiculous reason. And get rid of this "me" attitude, when the marriage no longer suits "me".
As I've said before, this heartbreaking experience of losing a child is a strain on a marriage- it can either pull people away or put them even closer together. It's not all about me- everything in my life is thought of as "we". we are going through this together, and together is the only way to make it through.
I constantly worry about dh, I know he is depressed too but doesn't want to go to anyone to talk about it. I can understand, and all I can do is be there when he wants to talk.
The tv is beginning to piss me off...usually I avoid the news. From the typical political BS to the guy who wants to sue God to prove a point. Even worse, the 18 yr old girl who delivered her baby in a college dorm and suffocated her. I once read that Elvis used to shoot at his tvs- pretty psychotic but now it all makes some sort of sense.
i'm tired of seeing the view- and the today show the women are annoying at times. On every channel the topic of the day is about sex and marriage. (or divorce)- Just because this stupid political woman in germany thinks all marriages should just dissolve after 7 yrs. Maybe if people stopped getting married for the wrong reasons- ie money, they think nothing better will come along, the sex- a ridiculous reason. And get rid of this "me" attitude, when the marriage no longer suits "me".
As I've said before, this heartbreaking experience of losing a child is a strain on a marriage- it can either pull people away or put them even closer together. It's not all about me- everything in my life is thought of as "we". we are going through this together, and together is the only way to make it through.
I constantly worry about dh, I know he is depressed too but doesn't want to go to anyone to talk about it. I can understand, and all I can do is be there when he wants to talk.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
the insanity bandwagon
the insanity bandwagon
Posted Wednesday, September 19, 2007 10:41 AM
the insanity bandwagon has arrived early this morning. this is for me to hop on and try to sort out the millions of thoughts that consciously awake my crowded mind the second I open my eyes. this morning- more of the theories of what happened that killed Julia.
from meds i took, herbal tea i drank, maybe a wrong yoga pose, dental bacteria, some weird rare genetic disease, caffeine, splenda? what the hell was it?
i've gone down a mental list, spent hours sitting in front of this computer, and poured over every book about stillborn babies. I must be a member of every single support group online there is. Reading others heartaches gives a relation, but when I see people who have had to endure the pain of going through this more than once...sorry I would just flip out.
Vent for the day- sorry for whoever is offended by this- but if I lost my baby at 7 wks and never felt her kick,never saw her on an ultrasound, had to violently have her pulled from my body by forceps and a vac and seeing this beautiful perfect yet- dead baby...this is not the same. I know it must be painful to have a m/c or repeated m/c and not know why....but did these people did not have the same experience. There should be a board on the nest just for stillborns, not pregnancy loss.
It's also a shame that there is not more awareness in our society for this kind of tragic event. Does anyone care that it is Infant Loss awareness day on oct 15? prob since not that many people want to be aware of it- or is it because there haven't been any celebs that it happened to. Only in America.
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Posted Wednesday, September 19, 2007 10:41 AM
the insanity bandwagon has arrived early this morning. this is for me to hop on and try to sort out the millions of thoughts that consciously awake my crowded mind the second I open my eyes. this morning- more of the theories of what happened that killed Julia.
from meds i took, herbal tea i drank, maybe a wrong yoga pose, dental bacteria, some weird rare genetic disease, caffeine, splenda? what the hell was it?
i've gone down a mental list, spent hours sitting in front of this computer, and poured over every book about stillborn babies. I must be a member of every single support group online there is. Reading others heartaches gives a relation, but when I see people who have had to endure the pain of going through this more than once...sorry I would just flip out.
Vent for the day- sorry for whoever is offended by this- but if I lost my baby at 7 wks and never felt her kick,never saw her on an ultrasound, had to violently have her pulled from my body by forceps and a vac and seeing this beautiful perfect yet- dead baby...this is not the same. I know it must be painful to have a m/c or repeated m/c and not know why....but did these people did not have the same experience. There should be a board on the nest just for stillborns, not pregnancy loss.
It's also a shame that there is not more awareness in our society for this kind of tragic event. Does anyone care that it is Infant Loss awareness day on oct 15? prob since not that many people want to be aware of it- or is it because there haven't been any celebs that it happened to. Only in America.
Posted by gigi_rafaelFiled under: stillborn loss [Edit Tags]
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Monday, September 17, 2007
chocolate equals zoloft
It's monday and of course I woke up in wandering mind mode. I didn't stay in it for too long like I usually do. Wandering mind mode is the "what if's", "what happened" and "why?". This can make one go insane. But since I have yet to hear from my doctor it is driving me insane.
I made my way out of the house on Sunday even though I could have easily stayed in- again. I realize that its not good for me and not fair to dh. Yes, we are both greiving but I think dads sometimes get left behind in baby loss situations like this. Often, people end up getting divorced...IT should be the opposite, this is a time in the marriage when you really have to support each other and consider their feelings too. It's hardest for us that we not only carried the baby for months but had a connection that a man could never understand. Everyone greives differently, but I think when we get all of the attention from people, men sometimes withdraw. Also, this "strong, boys don't cry" expected role doesn't help.
Dh has been wonderful all along. Sometimes he seems depressed, and others he's trying to get life to where it was before the pregnancy. We met some friends for drinks yesterday and it was at a pool deck where there was a family with small children. He saw me looking at them and encouraged me that we are going to try again, and we WILL have our family. I thought it was very sweet and determined. Like I said before, there is no animosity towards other people with healthy children...there is admiration. I could say why me.....but that will never manifest anything.
This week I would like to look into a supprt group or some counseling. I've gone back and forth, just because I don't want to join a pity party. I want to meet other people who may be going through the same kind of pain, but are working towards getting through it. I've debated on meds but I think they make me feel worse. What is more depressing than side effects that include weight gain, sexual dysfunction, and lost ability to cry when needed. What an emotional band aid. Not to sound like Tom Cruise- if it helped some, then it is worth it. Everyday is self work...without Zoloft.
1- get out of the house even if i dont want to.
2- if i feel that a glass of wine or two is going to help, I will have it.
3- exercise, exercise, and more exercise.
4- go outside and sit in the sun at least a few min every day.
5- laugh at one thing
6- think of one person at least who has overcome tragedy or beat the odds in some way.
7- yoga breathing
8- dont watch or read the news
9-eat healthy- fish, veggies, fruit, lemon & water, or cereal
10- listen to some upbeat, happy music
***chocolate, dark always helps.
I made my way out of the house on Sunday even though I could have easily stayed in- again. I realize that its not good for me and not fair to dh. Yes, we are both greiving but I think dads sometimes get left behind in baby loss situations like this. Often, people end up getting divorced...IT should be the opposite, this is a time in the marriage when you really have to support each other and consider their feelings too. It's hardest for us that we not only carried the baby for months but had a connection that a man could never understand. Everyone greives differently, but I think when we get all of the attention from people, men sometimes withdraw. Also, this "strong, boys don't cry" expected role doesn't help.
Dh has been wonderful all along. Sometimes he seems depressed, and others he's trying to get life to where it was before the pregnancy. We met some friends for drinks yesterday and it was at a pool deck where there was a family with small children. He saw me looking at them and encouraged me that we are going to try again, and we WILL have our family. I thought it was very sweet and determined. Like I said before, there is no animosity towards other people with healthy children...there is admiration. I could say why me.....but that will never manifest anything.
This week I would like to look into a supprt group or some counseling. I've gone back and forth, just because I don't want to join a pity party. I want to meet other people who may be going through the same kind of pain, but are working towards getting through it. I've debated on meds but I think they make me feel worse. What is more depressing than side effects that include weight gain, sexual dysfunction, and lost ability to cry when needed. What an emotional band aid. Not to sound like Tom Cruise- if it helped some, then it is worth it. Everyday is self work...without Zoloft.
1- get out of the house even if i dont want to.
2- if i feel that a glass of wine or two is going to help, I will have it.
3- exercise, exercise, and more exercise.
4- go outside and sit in the sun at least a few min every day.
5- laugh at one thing
6- think of one person at least who has overcome tragedy or beat the odds in some way.
7- yoga breathing
8- dont watch or read the news
9-eat healthy- fish, veggies, fruit, lemon & water, or cereal
10- listen to some upbeat, happy music
***chocolate, dark always helps.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
baby envy
Getting through the loss of this baby has taught me so many things. Even though there are times when I feel I am losing it, get angry, emotional, self blame and all of the stages...I realze that she was a light of my life to bring my awareness to my own feelings.
There is nothing to be taken for granted. Life is precious and can be ceased at any moment without notice. We must be greatful for small blessings we are granted. Yes, I get angry with God at times, but what does that do?
I'm very disturbed by a post I read in another support group by an angry mother who had a similiar experience with stillbith as I had. She's angry, she hates others with babies, and cannot get pregnant again. (although she does have 3 other children). This may be a natural reaction, I'm sure there are people out there who feel this bitterness. But it is this bitterness and anger that is often sabotaging their efforts to conceive again.
I believe in the works of Lousie Hay and Wayne Dyer- we manifest our physical problems with our thoughts- whether subconcious or not. Not to say that m/c and stillbirths are caused on our own. But often, there is some deep emotional issue that we have yet to resolve in our lives. We may not even be aware of it.
In order to have a healthy body, we've got to have a healthy mind. If there's one thing I learned in all of this- it's not to complain and be thankful. If I am ever granted the blessing of another pregnancy I will take care to endure every ache, pain and puke with my heart. And when I see others with babies- my wish for them is that they appreciate and love the child.
Even though I feel like some days I am in a living hell, I relaize that I am further creating that hell by negative emotions. IT's easiest to bottle them up and put on the shelf, but then how would I ever move on>
There is nothing to be taken for granted. Life is precious and can be ceased at any moment without notice. We must be greatful for small blessings we are granted. Yes, I get angry with God at times, but what does that do?
I'm very disturbed by a post I read in another support group by an angry mother who had a similiar experience with stillbith as I had. She's angry, she hates others with babies, and cannot get pregnant again. (although she does have 3 other children). This may be a natural reaction, I'm sure there are people out there who feel this bitterness. But it is this bitterness and anger that is often sabotaging their efforts to conceive again.
I believe in the works of Lousie Hay and Wayne Dyer- we manifest our physical problems with our thoughts- whether subconcious or not. Not to say that m/c and stillbirths are caused on our own. But often, there is some deep emotional issue that we have yet to resolve in our lives. We may not even be aware of it.
In order to have a healthy body, we've got to have a healthy mind. If there's one thing I learned in all of this- it's not to complain and be thankful. If I am ever granted the blessing of another pregnancy I will take care to endure every ache, pain and puke with my heart. And when I see others with babies- my wish for them is that they appreciate and love the child.
Even though I feel like some days I am in a living hell, I relaize that I am further creating that hell by negative emotions. IT's easiest to bottle them up and put on the shelf, but then how would I ever move on>
Friday, September 14, 2007
The baby that passed away
I had to tell someone today that the baby passed away. It was really difficult. Telling people over the phone is so different than in person. They look at me with eyes of compassion but I am clearly in and out of a comatose fog. I'm trying to relive life as normal, yet I am walking around with this sick hole of emptiness inside of me.It's impossible to ignore a brokenheart. Little things that I before took for granted are suddenly huge, yet the big things don't matter. In an indirect way I am avoiding going to places where I might have to explain where is that baby girl that was living inside of me?
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