Dreams of rainbows

Everyday is different. Emotions are up and down. And yet, each day is the same worry and concern that I try to turn around in my mind. It's a struggle sometimes. I feel the little bean kick and press down on my bladder. I suddenly feel relief. If I make it through this pregnancy sane it will truly be a miracle.
People try to be supportive but there is no way anyone can feel the isolation and lonliness I am experiencing. I don't want to hear things like "enjoy this pregnancy". Enjoy it:? I wish I could without worrying that my body is reacting like a time bomb. I want the remote control Adam Sandler had in the movie "click", just fast forward me to the point of holding this baby in my arms, where he is here, safely.
It is not that I don't trust in my body or the process. The experience of a late term loss is an innocence shattering event. Focusing on rainbows and puppies is a grand illusion. Baby showers and future plans seem like taboo, a concept no one can seem to understand.
Especially when medical science, in all of it's wisdom has no answers for you. Doctors will throw statistics and the encouraging "we see this all the time" lines. All the while some of us long for a healthcare practitioner to have an ounce of sympathy and on some level ask how we are, rather than treat us as medical train wrecks.
I've even had a female doctor, someone with a uterus, tell me it was "harder for them than it is for us, believe it or not". Really? Was she still thinking of her patient's loss years later? Did she wonder what they looked like on their 2nd birthday? I doubt it. By then she won't remember their name.

Even though I was told my heart monitor was not good enough, I am still able to check the baby's heartbeat daily. I admit it, I have HR OCD, a condition I am sure will intensify as I get closer to my due date.
I don't like to share my cautionary tale with others at times, but I want moms to be to be aware of their bodies- what feels like its abnormal to us may conflict with what "they" tell us. Even though I was once part of the medical team, I am now a hokey mind/body medicine freak/ massage therapist. I teach people that healing is within them and I believe it...somewhat. I know that if I listened to my body my daughter would be here today. Instead I am chasing rainbows and riding on intuition.