For the first few days of the year Florida weather is showing signs of the typical "winter". On new years it was really not that cold, but the following days after have dropped from the 80's all the way to the 40's. Jack Frost was out this morning and he totally sabotaged my workout. Oh well, better Jack Frost than jack daniels.
I'm sorry for those who are in snow while I complain about a nippy yet sunny morning. I just cannot do cold anymore. If I could move any further south then I would. Cold weather does nothing for me but keep me indoors and under covers.
I'll admit that I do not want to even think about getting on the scale today. That victorous 5 lbs that I lost in the past week may have made a comeback since the last days I have fallen off the wagon. Since we've rung in the new year, besides the drinks, there have been many indulgences in bread and chips. (chips not good for hips!) Yesterday dh talked me into chinese food- and I did eat some chocolates.
My plan is to not deprive myself of everything. but from past experience, I know that if I want to lose the weight, there can not be too many "off the wagon" days. There can not be skip the gym days. I glanced through Michael Thurman's book yesterday and agree with a lot of his weight loss principles. He claims his diet can reduce one pant size in 6 days. Of course I think it's possible, but one must follow his plan of no sugar, lower carbs and lots of water (and the 6 sm meal a day plan) Dh continues to debate with me that not eating is going to help. When actaully, skipping meals is only a recipe to appear larger.
I can't seem to help my carb addiction. I've read somewhere that there is a gene for carb addiction- could it be more in people like me of Italian descent? Since I've known myself, I've always loved breads, pasta, cakes and pastry! My grandparents always found holes in the italian bread when they got home from the market. My grandfather used to speculate there was a mouse with my name in the car. The shop owner then had a small loaf of bread waiting for me when I would go shopping with my grandma. That was only the beginning. It took years of eating too much of the wrong stuff to realize it was draining my energy and making me fat.
Today's plan is simple. No bread :( only salad, a soup (or stoup as Rachel Ray calls a stew/soup), lean proteins and beans. I already made it through the morning without sugar in my coffee, no sugars today.
Activity- stomach crunches, leg lifts, walking lunges...away from the fridge:)
Showing posts with label postpartum. Show all posts
Showing posts with label postpartum. Show all posts
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Friday, December 28, 2007
the great amount of weight
From this day forward I've decided I am going to keep my blogs focused on postpartum weightloss. I am feeling kind of motivated after losing 3 lbs during the holiday week. (despite the fact that I ate cheesecake, drank alcohol and had lasagna amoung other things).
I've learned that postpartum weightloss is so difficult. The pregnancy not only messes up our hormones, but it seems like the sagging has begun. Gravity is not helping me out here, my belly is looking like the front end of a volkswagon and my thighs are like melting candles. ok, so I'm being funny but I am serious about losing the weight, even though weight loss is typically difficult for me. Forget genetics, diets and doctors, I will do it! Getting in shape is the most important factor in my healing process. The day when my body no longer has evidence of this pregnancy will be the one when I can think about going into another one with confidence.
Diets don't particularly work for me. Yes I've been a 15 lbs yo-yo for most of my life. When I was in high school I was on weight watchers. There's nothing wrong with WW, but for me it is too many food options. And there is not much focus on exercise other than walking. Walking is good cardio and some activity is better than none, but to fight the gravity of sag, one must do LOTS of cardio and moderatly build up to weight lifting.
The most amount I have ever lost was around 30-40lbs, at which time I worked out with a trainer whom I learned so much from. He corrected many of my eating habits- low carb but lots of lean protein, don't bother eating iceburg lettuce (no nutritional value, instead romaine), whole grain breads over white, eating small amounts of food throughout the day rather than 3 meals - or starving myself.
Other rules I follow to lose weight- eat nothing processed. I know it's easy for someone with a schedule like mine to say no to Lean cuisine...It's a pain in the butt- but eat only fresh fruits, veggies, and anything that did not come from a can, or box. Why because the preservatives they use in these foods do us no favor.
Fast food equals fat food and I notice the more I stay away from it the faster I lose. in a pinch I will eat wendy's chilli, chik fil a grilled chicken, or a wrap but again, these foods are not what we should put into our bodies. The sodium content is too high. again...its preservatives.
I also drink lots of water. I don't drink diet sodas, only an occasional tea. Sometimes I enjoy sugarfree hotcocoa if I am craving sweets. Sugar has got to be the worst thing ever (but OH SO good!) I think this 3 lbs came about since I stopped eating anything with sugar (with the exception of juniors cheesecake on xmas) I only use Splenda in my coffee. (not a fan of artificial sweetners either, but its better than nothing)
It's not going to be easy by any means, but I believe that I can do it- anyone can. The most important factor is to love ourselves- yes love all of the cellulite, flabby chicken arms, thunder thighs and all! It is only then that we can visualize ourselves as fit, healthy. From the way I see it,. this is the beginning to being sucessful. humans spend too much time focusing on what we don't like about ourselves, not realizing that when we focus on those things as they are- they cannot change.
My fav quote- "If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten!"
I've learned that postpartum weightloss is so difficult. The pregnancy not only messes up our hormones, but it seems like the sagging has begun. Gravity is not helping me out here, my belly is looking like the front end of a volkswagon and my thighs are like melting candles. ok, so I'm being funny but I am serious about losing the weight, even though weight loss is typically difficult for me. Forget genetics, diets and doctors, I will do it! Getting in shape is the most important factor in my healing process. The day when my body no longer has evidence of this pregnancy will be the one when I can think about going into another one with confidence.
Diets don't particularly work for me. Yes I've been a 15 lbs yo-yo for most of my life. When I was in high school I was on weight watchers. There's nothing wrong with WW, but for me it is too many food options. And there is not much focus on exercise other than walking. Walking is good cardio and some activity is better than none, but to fight the gravity of sag, one must do LOTS of cardio and moderatly build up to weight lifting.
The most amount I have ever lost was around 30-40lbs, at which time I worked out with a trainer whom I learned so much from. He corrected many of my eating habits- low carb but lots of lean protein, don't bother eating iceburg lettuce (no nutritional value, instead romaine), whole grain breads over white, eating small amounts of food throughout the day rather than 3 meals - or starving myself.
Other rules I follow to lose weight- eat nothing processed. I know it's easy for someone with a schedule like mine to say no to Lean cuisine...It's a pain in the butt- but eat only fresh fruits, veggies, and anything that did not come from a can, or box. Why because the preservatives they use in these foods do us no favor.
Fast food equals fat food and I notice the more I stay away from it the faster I lose. in a pinch I will eat wendy's chilli, chik fil a grilled chicken, or a wrap but again, these foods are not what we should put into our bodies. The sodium content is too high. again...its preservatives.
I also drink lots of water. I don't drink diet sodas, only an occasional tea. Sometimes I enjoy sugarfree hotcocoa if I am craving sweets. Sugar has got to be the worst thing ever (but OH SO good!) I think this 3 lbs came about since I stopped eating anything with sugar (with the exception of juniors cheesecake on xmas) I only use Splenda in my coffee. (not a fan of artificial sweetners either, but its better than nothing)
It's not going to be easy by any means, but I believe that I can do it- anyone can. The most important factor is to love ourselves- yes love all of the cellulite, flabby chicken arms, thunder thighs and all! It is only then that we can visualize ourselves as fit, healthy. From the way I see it,. this is the beginning to being sucessful. humans spend too much time focusing on what we don't like about ourselves, not realizing that when we focus on those things as they are- they cannot change.
My fav quote- "If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten!"
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Home from Brazil
Jetlag is a killer today but I feel refreshed even with little sleep. After 12 days in Brazil, both dh and I feel the winds of change sweeping into 2008. It's not usually a convienient time for us to travel this time of year but we were invited to a wedding (dh's bf) also, it was good for dh to see his family and friends.
This was my second trip to brazil and I cannot say enough about how wonderful it is. It is a beautiful country with diverse cultures, dreamy beaches (and yes, beautiful fun people), great food, clothes and incredible fruit. Whether on the beach or in the city the energy is exciting and new. I still haven't mastered portuguese but every trip it's getting better.
Overall, we had a wonderful time. The only difficult part was once again having to discuss the loss of Julia with friends and family face to face. People have been wonderful and dh has learned to discuss it more openly..since he was the one providing the explaination when people asked. It becomes too much for him if others cry, then he tries to change the subject. It meant a lot to be in the company of friends who expressed their support.
I see my husband in a different light when we visit his country, and I fall in love all over again. He has a huge circle of really great friends who adore him as much as I do. And he is most happy when he can show me places he worked, played and lived in a world that seemed so different.
This was my second trip to brazil and I cannot say enough about how wonderful it is. It is a beautiful country with diverse cultures, dreamy beaches (and yes, beautiful fun people), great food, clothes and incredible fruit. Whether on the beach or in the city the energy is exciting and new. I still haven't mastered portuguese but every trip it's getting better.
Overall, we had a wonderful time. The only difficult part was once again having to discuss the loss of Julia with friends and family face to face. People have been wonderful and dh has learned to discuss it more openly..since he was the one providing the explaination when people asked. It becomes too much for him if others cry, then he tries to change the subject. It meant a lot to be in the company of friends who expressed their support.
I see my husband in a different light when we visit his country, and I fall in love all over again. He has a huge circle of really great friends who adore him as much as I do. And he is most happy when he can show me places he worked, played and lived in a world that seemed so different.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Christmas has been canceled....
I woke up once again at my thinking hour, 4am. It is at this time when I do a lot of reflecting, planning and sometimes mourning. With everything dark, quiet, silent I can really explore my feelings without someone monitoring them. I've dreaded the holidays, everytime I see a baby's first Christmas item in a store it drives a hole through my heart. I wonder what Julia would look like and how old she would be. I think I will always wonder.
Scattered in my living room are the box of decorations that I cannot bring myself to put up. We did not bother with a tree but dh put up lights on the outside of the house and a wreath on the door. From the outside of our home, it looks festive and Christmas"y". But on the inside, it's not Christmas. It's the same living room that I've spent the last several months secluded myself in. It's funny how similiar I feel to this house...on the outside to others I am a smile, a warm greeting but on the inside a lonely cavern.
All I can do is make bigger plans for 2008. I've found that the more things I can change the better I will feel. Grief books say not to make any major changes for one year after your loss. Are they kidding? I think when something bad happens that one cannot control it's ok to want to change anything that we have the power to control. In my book this is called getting back our power or awakening the goddess within. So, my plans? Remodel my house, lose weight, change my job- maybe go back to school, my haircolor, and even my thoughts- get rid of all that do not serve me in a positive light.
Even though I am sending Christmas cards, I guess I am kind of skipping through it in my mind. It is more to thank all those family and friends who sent me cards and flowers when I went through the "unbirth". The message in my cards is simple and universal- Peace. The real meaning behind Christmas.
Scattered in my living room are the box of decorations that I cannot bring myself to put up. We did not bother with a tree but dh put up lights on the outside of the house and a wreath on the door. From the outside of our home, it looks festive and Christmas"y". But on the inside, it's not Christmas. It's the same living room that I've spent the last several months secluded myself in. It's funny how similiar I feel to this house...on the outside to others I am a smile, a warm greeting but on the inside a lonely cavern.
All I can do is make bigger plans for 2008. I've found that the more things I can change the better I will feel. Grief books say not to make any major changes for one year after your loss. Are they kidding? I think when something bad happens that one cannot control it's ok to want to change anything that we have the power to control. In my book this is called getting back our power or awakening the goddess within. So, my plans? Remodel my house, lose weight, change my job- maybe go back to school, my haircolor, and even my thoughts- get rid of all that do not serve me in a positive light.
Even though I am sending Christmas cards, I guess I am kind of skipping through it in my mind. It is more to thank all those family and friends who sent me cards and flowers when I went through the "unbirth". The message in my cards is simple and universal- Peace. The real meaning behind Christmas.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
tired
its a sunday that i want to stay in and do nothing. my emotions, my marriage, my grief, the holidays and finances are straining all I've got lately. i shouldn't complain because I am getting away in a few days to a place that is part of my life, Brazil...(dh home country). We are going to a wedding, and it's an essential get away for dh. He needs to connect with his family and friends after all that has happened.
I read in one of the numerous spirtual books friends have passed on that when a baby or child passes it is a test for parents. many people do not pass, they don't recognize that we all grieve differently. At which point impatience sets in and resentment builds. Comunication and understanding is the only way we can make it through. It is my only hope that we will surivive the pain that is driving through us without it creating a distance. Dh is a wonderful light that has changed my life, without him I would be lost. He has taught me to "always believe" in myself, in our relationship, and in manifesting what seems like the impossible. Seeing him sad kills me, I know this trip will have a healing effect on both of us.
I read in one of the numerous spirtual books friends have passed on that when a baby or child passes it is a test for parents. many people do not pass, they don't recognize that we all grieve differently. At which point impatience sets in and resentment builds. Comunication and understanding is the only way we can make it through. It is my only hope that we will surivive the pain that is driving through us without it creating a distance. Dh is a wonderful light that has changed my life, without him I would be lost. He has taught me to "always believe" in myself, in our relationship, and in manifesting what seems like the impossible. Seeing him sad kills me, I know this trip will have a healing effect on both of us.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
the planets
Even though I am not exactly looking forward to the holidays, moving forward in time is a relief. This past weekend, there has been a full moon and a major shifting out there in our solar system. sounding crazy, but I not only belief that we are affected by planetary energies, but I know it. The notion that the full moon brings out the "craziness" has got truth to it. Working in the hospital, we saw more emotional illness during this time and also more women go into labor during a full moon. And ironically, the day I lost Julia was during a lunar eclipse. the night before, I could feel something was not right and even Kitty was behaving strange, even the cat was trying to tell me something.
Anyway, because there is a transition going on somewhere in the cosmos, it's bringing about times of change here. I am doing my best to follow it in a positive light, it is an emotional tide mixed with holidays...great combo. My bf and I often joke about the planets being screwed up and blame them for all the fuckups in our life. I guess I started this after I had a crazy roomate in the keys. She was from brooklyn, with her nyc accent it was hilarious to hear her talking about astrology and her life. She was way ahead of me in the charts, and at that time it was saturn return for her. This the years between 27-30 where everything "hits you in the face" meaning you have realizations of things you may want to accomplish or reflect on things you have (or not). I have a series of saturn blogs somewhere out there...mine involved settling down and getting married- creation of home. I made the right choice, I adore dh and really feel that he is my soulmate.
Argggggggggh...my soulmate is decorating for christmas today. While I am trying to relax, he is climbing a huge tree in our front yard. I can tell this afternoon is going to involve alcohol......
Anyway, because there is a transition going on somewhere in the cosmos, it's bringing about times of change here. I am doing my best to follow it in a positive light, it is an emotional tide mixed with holidays...great combo. My bf and I often joke about the planets being screwed up and blame them for all the fuckups in our life. I guess I started this after I had a crazy roomate in the keys. She was from brooklyn, with her nyc accent it was hilarious to hear her talking about astrology and her life. She was way ahead of me in the charts, and at that time it was saturn return for her. This the years between 27-30 where everything "hits you in the face" meaning you have realizations of things you may want to accomplish or reflect on things you have (or not). I have a series of saturn blogs somewhere out there...mine involved settling down and getting married- creation of home. I made the right choice, I adore dh and really feel that he is my soulmate.
Argggggggggh...my soulmate is decorating for christmas today. While I am trying to relax, he is climbing a huge tree in our front yard. I can tell this afternoon is going to involve alcohol......
Friday, November 23, 2007
after the turkey
I've been dreading the holidays because its a time to remind me of the part of my family that is missing. Thanksgiving is a day to be thankful for what you have and all i could think about is what I don't. I guess I can say I was ok at putting on a front all day. Under controlled tears and crankiness left me feeling like a shaken soda by the end of the day.
It was after we left my parents that dh and i really got into it. He's pointed out that I can't seem to get my life back together, I've not been contributing my part these days, yada, yada, yada. It's all like radio talk to me, I'm living in a different reality than he can even understand. Yes, he is greving too but last night I made him understand how men are from mars and women are from venus. And this venusian is hurting, no matter how much I can convince people that I'm ok, I'm actually broken. And when something doesn't function, well, it's broken.
As a holistic practioner, I help people find balance in the health of their mind, body and spirit. these days, I find that it is not only difficult but impossible to continue with this when I can't even put the pieces of my life back together. My mind is a mess of emotions, my body is like a foreign country- I cannot lose weight or get even close to the shape I was in, my spirit feels like it's been raped. I have always been very spiritual and have tried to maintain my faith but it's hard to believe in anything anymore. I've always walked around thanking God for giving me a beautiful marriage, a great career, a loving family and everything in my life. My attitude is anything but greatful- I admit it. I'm cyncial, pissed and angry...all of the emotions that I promised I would not allow in my heart.
If only I had realized the simplier times in life....
It was after we left my parents that dh and i really got into it. He's pointed out that I can't seem to get my life back together, I've not been contributing my part these days, yada, yada, yada. It's all like radio talk to me, I'm living in a different reality than he can even understand. Yes, he is greving too but last night I made him understand how men are from mars and women are from venus. And this venusian is hurting, no matter how much I can convince people that I'm ok, I'm actually broken. And when something doesn't function, well, it's broken.
As a holistic practioner, I help people find balance in the health of their mind, body and spirit. these days, I find that it is not only difficult but impossible to continue with this when I can't even put the pieces of my life back together. My mind is a mess of emotions, my body is like a foreign country- I cannot lose weight or get even close to the shape I was in, my spirit feels like it's been raped. I have always been very spiritual and have tried to maintain my faith but it's hard to believe in anything anymore. I've always walked around thanking God for giving me a beautiful marriage, a great career, a loving family and everything in my life. My attitude is anything but greatful- I admit it. I'm cyncial, pissed and angry...all of the emotions that I promised I would not allow in my heart.
If only I had realized the simplier times in life....
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Aunt Flo's plane was highjacked
It's been a while since I have had the time to think about my problems since so many others around me are going through some sort of a challenge these days. I've said it before and I say it again, I'm so looking forward to letting go of 2007. Yes I would chalk it up as the worst year ever.
Since the birth, I've felt like a visitor in my own body. It's not just the extra 30 pounds, it's been Ibs, joint pain, and possible thyroid problems. I'm not sure what to expect next. I was expecting to see aunt flo by now, but she has still not arrived, even 2 wks after the milk dried up, no arrival. I have been told that it is normal- here we go with that word- to not have a period for up to 4 mos and sometimes even longer.
I've been feeling that impeding sense of doom that AF was on her way in, the crampy feeling, the back pain, skin changes, the bitchiness- overwhelming desire to go coco for cocopuffs j/k! I know the tide is rolling in, but no sign of her. DH suggested that I go buy a test, but i am not sure I want to know...I'm just not ready- mentally or physically.
Of course, if i am i will make immediate changes in my life as i did before, but i will be a fanatic and i cannot help it. call me crunchy- but after what i went thru it's going to be an organic diet with no exceptions. i also plan on having a fetal heart monitor and very frequent ultrasounds.
a friend of ours is having her baby today. she is 10 days past her due date.i cannot believe how many times they sent her home. sorry, but if it was me, i will threaten to induce my own labor in the parking lot- see how fast they WILL induce! sadly, i cannot go near that hospital to see her, it just freaks me out.
Since the birth, I've felt like a visitor in my own body. It's not just the extra 30 pounds, it's been Ibs, joint pain, and possible thyroid problems. I'm not sure what to expect next. I was expecting to see aunt flo by now, but she has still not arrived, even 2 wks after the milk dried up, no arrival. I have been told that it is normal- here we go with that word- to not have a period for up to 4 mos and sometimes even longer.
I've been feeling that impeding sense of doom that AF was on her way in, the crampy feeling, the back pain, skin changes, the bitchiness- overwhelming desire to go coco for cocopuffs j/k! I know the tide is rolling in, but no sign of her. DH suggested that I go buy a test, but i am not sure I want to know...I'm just not ready- mentally or physically.
Of course, if i am i will make immediate changes in my life as i did before, but i will be a fanatic and i cannot help it. call me crunchy- but after what i went thru it's going to be an organic diet with no exceptions. i also plan on having a fetal heart monitor and very frequent ultrasounds.
a friend of ours is having her baby today. she is 10 days past her due date.i cannot believe how many times they sent her home. sorry, but if it was me, i will threaten to induce my own labor in the parking lot- see how fast they WILL induce! sadly, i cannot go near that hospital to see her, it just freaks me out.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Don't take it personal!
I've made a very conscious decision from day one of this ordeal that when I am faced with people I don't get mad at them for not knowing what to say or saying the wrong thing. I understand that there is a stumbling for words in a case like this. I wouldn't know what to say either.
I do appreciate it when people acknowledge the fact that I even had a baby, and no she wasn't a fetus, she was a 7.12lb full size baby. I don't think they realize that. Yesterday, a co worker and friend of dh stopped by the house. she greeted me with, do you have any news? and I looked at her like what news? She quickly appologized and told me that dh gave some indication that I might be pregnant. I told her not for a while.
Here's where it gets painful, dh wants another pregnancy to happen right away. I can't do it. As much as I want to replace this void, I know there is no replacing Julia. First, I need to consider my health- I need to lose at least 30lbs. It takes me forever to lose weight...I need to eat close to nothing and workout like a monster. (I have lucky genes) This is my struggle everyday- another reason I am dreading the holidays!
Now for the things that people say that I can't help but think are stupid- by telling me there is a very slim chance of this ever happening to me again. Not true- I've heard of other women that have had repeated stillbirths- knowing this alone kills me. Until I have every test known to man and investigate all reports of the autopsy, I can't try again. My mom gets very upset when I say that, but my body is like a foreign country these days.
2- That dh and I are "young". I'm almost 32 but my joints are more like 52.
3- my fav comment from dh bf, that the fun part is making more. while this may be true, it's the 9 mos of worrying and then labor- not going to be fun.
Another one of my fav. books, the four agreements has reminded me of one of them- don't take anything personally. I'm ok with that. I've also applied this principle to the higher power. There is nothing to be taken personal with God, destiny is predetermined.
I do appreciate it when people acknowledge the fact that I even had a baby, and no she wasn't a fetus, she was a 7.12lb full size baby. I don't think they realize that. Yesterday, a co worker and friend of dh stopped by the house. she greeted me with, do you have any news? and I looked at her like what news? She quickly appologized and told me that dh gave some indication that I might be pregnant. I told her not for a while.
Here's where it gets painful, dh wants another pregnancy to happen right away. I can't do it. As much as I want to replace this void, I know there is no replacing Julia. First, I need to consider my health- I need to lose at least 30lbs. It takes me forever to lose weight...I need to eat close to nothing and workout like a monster. (I have lucky genes) This is my struggle everyday- another reason I am dreading the holidays!
Now for the things that people say that I can't help but think are stupid- by telling me there is a very slim chance of this ever happening to me again. Not true- I've heard of other women that have had repeated stillbirths- knowing this alone kills me. Until I have every test known to man and investigate all reports of the autopsy, I can't try again. My mom gets very upset when I say that, but my body is like a foreign country these days.
2- That dh and I are "young". I'm almost 32 but my joints are more like 52.
3- my fav comment from dh bf, that the fun part is making more. while this may be true, it's the 9 mos of worrying and then labor- not going to be fun.
Another one of my fav. books, the four agreements has reminded me of one of them- don't take anything personally. I'm ok with that. I've also applied this principle to the higher power. There is nothing to be taken personal with God, destiny is predetermined.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Bah humbug!
it's beginning to look a lot like christmas and I'm not liking it. So call me a grinch, I am tired of the commercialism of the holidays. Even before we were done with halloween there's christmas trees everywhere.
ironically, everytime I open a catalog i see baby's first christmas items, and it hurts. although, i've gotten so used to feeling this pain i've accepted it as part of my life. i still cry sometimes in my own privacy, but i cannot take part in a pity party, there is always someone else out there who has had a worse experience than i have. this is what keeps me going.
There have been brave women out there who have gone through numerous miscarriages and stillbirths. I don't know how they could deal with that. I can only hope that I can help inspire courage in the hearts of so many woman who are traveling down the same painful journey.
ironically, everytime I open a catalog i see baby's first christmas items, and it hurts. although, i've gotten so used to feeling this pain i've accepted it as part of my life. i still cry sometimes in my own privacy, but i cannot take part in a pity party, there is always someone else out there who has had a worse experience than i have. this is what keeps me going.
There have been brave women out there who have gone through numerous miscarriages and stillbirths. I don't know how they could deal with that. I can only hope that I can help inspire courage in the hearts of so many woman who are traveling down the same painful journey.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
6 wks; empty arms and no answers
Just got back from my 6 wk appt. It was overwhelming to go back to the very same office that I last walked into pregnant and eager to hear my baby girl's heartbeat. Luckily, it's not a big ob practice and there were no pregnant women or babies in sight to add to my anxiety. Even the squares on the carpet made me nervous.
Unfortunatly, there's still not an answer for the cause and no cause for the answer. There was evidence of a fetalmaternal hemorrhage- this I already knew but I was hoping by this time there would be more answers to give us "peace" of mind. When my dr made me aware of this a few weeks ago by phone, I did tons of research and only could find two reasons why this happens- a blood type incompatability or a trauma. Since the blood factor has been ruled out, I have been driving myself crazy wondering what I did in those final days that may have affected my beautiful child. Nothing can give me solace becuase now that I know the fact that she lost a lot of blood makes me wonder how much distress she was in. How did I not know? What could have been done? And will it happen again?
I will be monitored by a specialist next time, but I am anxious to even think about going through another pregnancy. Everything reminds me of my pregnancy- from the places I go, to the food I eat, the clothing I wore that is the only thing in my closet that fits. It gets even worse- the scent of cocobutter, the songs on the radio. It all makes me sick. It makes me angry. I want to erase these memories but I cannot look back, instead I have to focus on the future.
Sometimes I get angry but this is not going to bring back my baby. It's natural to be mad at the drs, God, and whoever else. But for me, the only ones I get angry with are the people who have no regard for the miracles that they have.
Unfortunatly, there's still not an answer for the cause and no cause for the answer. There was evidence of a fetalmaternal hemorrhage- this I already knew but I was hoping by this time there would be more answers to give us "peace" of mind. When my dr made me aware of this a few weeks ago by phone, I did tons of research and only could find two reasons why this happens- a blood type incompatability or a trauma. Since the blood factor has been ruled out, I have been driving myself crazy wondering what I did in those final days that may have affected my beautiful child. Nothing can give me solace becuase now that I know the fact that she lost a lot of blood makes me wonder how much distress she was in. How did I not know? What could have been done? And will it happen again?
I will be monitored by a specialist next time, but I am anxious to even think about going through another pregnancy. Everything reminds me of my pregnancy- from the places I go, to the food I eat, the clothing I wore that is the only thing in my closet that fits. It gets even worse- the scent of cocobutter, the songs on the radio. It all makes me sick. It makes me angry. I want to erase these memories but I cannot look back, instead I have to focus on the future.
Sometimes I get angry but this is not going to bring back my baby. It's natural to be mad at the drs, God, and whoever else. But for me, the only ones I get angry with are the people who have no regard for the miracles that they have.
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