On Christmas day I watched the Secret with my mom. Now I've blogged a lot about the Secret because I do believe in it. And somehow, I've known about it since I was a child. Always an insomniac, I listened to soft, positive music at night and 'I would visualize my future. If there was something I wanted, I would really concentrate on it and somehow, things would happen.
My husband, also a Secret Believer, is one of my secret manifestions. There have been a lot of frogs before I met my prince, but I always knew what I was looking for in the person I would marry. When I was a teenager I wrote down a list of qualities I dreamed of in a future husband. From what I can remember the list was something like: calm, easygoing, international- well traveled, funny, cute-dark hair, tall, good listener (well maybe not), not religous but spiritual, loves nature, honest,sweet yada, yada.As I got older, I did not forgot about the list, but I forgot the dream and began creating patterns of attracting what I did not want. happen to find it in my old diary recently. It's scary to see how I was basically describing Rafael to a T!
The Secret has not only worked for me in relationships, but I have even seen how it works with almost anything you desire, jobs, getting in shape. It is not as easy as it sounds, because it seems that there is often some demon we all have wrestled at one time or another telling us our desire is an impossibility.
I've blogged about the secret many times, and I have recently had a few people respond asking about tragic things like rape, bad accidents, etc The question is- don't some things just happen as a random destiny? Is it our faulty thinking that causes something bad to happen? This is the part I struggle with.
I responded with my story, I have seen how some manifestations are the result of what we want and some of what we do not want. I think it's true that we often focus so much on the things that we don't want, we attract them. My mom kept telling me not to blame myself for what has happened with Julia. But I do believe that I sent out a lot of negative vibes- I focused on the wrong things, even though I was happy about the baby. I was obsessed about the weight gain, the physical discomforts as well as the emotional changes- would my life be the same with a baby? Could I finish school? Would I be a good mom?
I spent too much time allowing my thoughts to ponder off into self doubt and fear. People said those kind emotions may be "normal"( there it is my least fav word!) But dwelling on them can have a toxic effect. And quite obviously, it did. I was putting limits on my potential as a parent before it even happened. There was a voice in my head that was telling me, I've got to change my thoughts.
Now as painful as it is, I have come to the realization that my loss was meant to change my life. Sort of a life detour.Every aspect is changed from career to relationships. The road seems rough and dark, but if I focus on the stretch a mile at a time, I will see the sun again

Christmas has been canceled....

I woke up once again at my thinking hour, 4am. It is at this time when I do a lot of reflecting, planning and sometimes mourning. With everything dark, quiet, silent I can really explore my feelings without someone monitoring them. I've dreaded the holidays, everytime I see a baby's first Christmas item in a store it drives a hole through my heart. I wonder what Julia would look like and how old she would be. I think I will always wonder.
Scattered in my living room are the box of decorations that I cannot bring myself to put up. We did not bother with a tree but dh put up lights on the outside of the house and a wreath on the door. From the outside of our home, it looks festive and Christmas"y". But on the inside, it's not Christmas. It's the same living room that I've spent the last several months secluded myself in. It's funny how similiar I feel to this house...on the outside to others I am a smile, a warm greeting but on the inside a lonely cavern.
All I can do is make bigger plans for 2008. I've found that the more things I can change the better I will feel. Grief books say not to make any major changes for one year after your loss. Are they kidding? I think when something bad happens that one cannot control it's ok to want to change anything that we have the power to control. In my book this is called getting back our power or awakening the goddess within. So, my plans? Remodel my house, lose weight, change my job- maybe go back to school, my haircolor, and even my thoughts- get rid of all that do not serve me in a positive light.
Even though I am sending Christmas cards, I guess I am kind of skipping through it in my mind. It is more to thank all those family and friends who sent me cards and flowers when I went through the "unbirth". The message in my cards is simple and universal- Peace. The real meaning behind Christmas.