its a sunday that i want to stay in and do nothing. my emotions, my marriage, my grief, the holidays and finances are straining all I've got lately. i shouldn't complain because I am getting away in a few days to a place that is part of my life, Brazil...(dh home country). We are going to a wedding, and it's an essential get away for dh. He needs to connect with his family and friends after all that has happened.
I read in one of the numerous spirtual books friends have passed on that when a baby or child passes it is a test for parents. many people do not pass, they don't recognize that we all grieve differently. At which point impatience sets in and resentment builds. Comunication and understanding is the only way we can make it through. It is my only hope that we will surivive the pain that is driving through us without it creating a distance. Dh is a wonderful light that has changed my life, without him I would be lost. He has taught me to "always believe" in myself, in our relationship, and in manifesting what seems like the impossible. Seeing him sad kills me, I know this trip will have a healing effect on both of us.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
after the turkey
I've been dreading the holidays because its a time to remind me of the part of my family that is missing. Thanksgiving is a day to be thankful for what you have and all i could think about is what I don't. I guess I can say I was ok at putting on a front all day. Under controlled tears and crankiness left me feeling like a shaken soda by the end of the day.
It was after we left my parents that dh and i really got into it. He's pointed out that I can't seem to get my life back together, I've not been contributing my part these days, yada, yada, yada. It's all like radio talk to me, I'm living in a different reality than he can even understand. Yes, he is greving too but last night I made him understand how men are from mars and women are from venus. And this venusian is hurting, no matter how much I can convince people that I'm ok, I'm actually broken. And when something doesn't function, well, it's broken.
As a holistic practioner, I help people find balance in the health of their mind, body and spirit. these days, I find that it is not only difficult but impossible to continue with this when I can't even put the pieces of my life back together. My mind is a mess of emotions, my body is like a foreign country- I cannot lose weight or get even close to the shape I was in, my spirit feels like it's been raped. I have always been very spiritual and have tried to maintain my faith but it's hard to believe in anything anymore. I've always walked around thanking God for giving me a beautiful marriage, a great career, a loving family and everything in my life. My attitude is anything but greatful- I admit it. I'm cyncial, pissed and angry...all of the emotions that I promised I would not allow in my heart.
If only I had realized the simplier times in life....
It was after we left my parents that dh and i really got into it. He's pointed out that I can't seem to get my life back together, I've not been contributing my part these days, yada, yada, yada. It's all like radio talk to me, I'm living in a different reality than he can even understand. Yes, he is greving too but last night I made him understand how men are from mars and women are from venus. And this venusian is hurting, no matter how much I can convince people that I'm ok, I'm actually broken. And when something doesn't function, well, it's broken.
As a holistic practioner, I help people find balance in the health of their mind, body and spirit. these days, I find that it is not only difficult but impossible to continue with this when I can't even put the pieces of my life back together. My mind is a mess of emotions, my body is like a foreign country- I cannot lose weight or get even close to the shape I was in, my spirit feels like it's been raped. I have always been very spiritual and have tried to maintain my faith but it's hard to believe in anything anymore. I've always walked around thanking God for giving me a beautiful marriage, a great career, a loving family and everything in my life. My attitude is anything but greatful- I admit it. I'm cyncial, pissed and angry...all of the emotions that I promised I would not allow in my heart.
If only I had realized the simplier times in life....
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Bah humbug!
it's beginning to look a lot like christmas and I'm not liking it. So call me a grinch, I am tired of the commercialism of the holidays. Even before we were done with halloween there's christmas trees everywhere.
ironically, everytime I open a catalog i see baby's first christmas items, and it hurts. although, i've gotten so used to feeling this pain i've accepted it as part of my life. i still cry sometimes in my own privacy, but i cannot take part in a pity party, there is always someone else out there who has had a worse experience than i have. this is what keeps me going.
There have been brave women out there who have gone through numerous miscarriages and stillbirths. I don't know how they could deal with that. I can only hope that I can help inspire courage in the hearts of so many woman who are traveling down the same painful journey.
ironically, everytime I open a catalog i see baby's first christmas items, and it hurts. although, i've gotten so used to feeling this pain i've accepted it as part of my life. i still cry sometimes in my own privacy, but i cannot take part in a pity party, there is always someone else out there who has had a worse experience than i have. this is what keeps me going.
There have been brave women out there who have gone through numerous miscarriages and stillbirths. I don't know how they could deal with that. I can only hope that I can help inspire courage in the hearts of so many woman who are traveling down the same painful journey.
Monday, September 17, 2007
chocolate equals zoloft
It's monday and of course I woke up in wandering mind mode. I didn't stay in it for too long like I usually do. Wandering mind mode is the "what if's", "what happened" and "why?". This can make one go insane. But since I have yet to hear from my doctor it is driving me insane.
I made my way out of the house on Sunday even though I could have easily stayed in- again. I realize that its not good for me and not fair to dh. Yes, we are both greiving but I think dads sometimes get left behind in baby loss situations like this. Often, people end up getting divorced...IT should be the opposite, this is a time in the marriage when you really have to support each other and consider their feelings too. It's hardest for us that we not only carried the baby for months but had a connection that a man could never understand. Everyone greives differently, but I think when we get all of the attention from people, men sometimes withdraw. Also, this "strong, boys don't cry" expected role doesn't help.
Dh has been wonderful all along. Sometimes he seems depressed, and others he's trying to get life to where it was before the pregnancy. We met some friends for drinks yesterday and it was at a pool deck where there was a family with small children. He saw me looking at them and encouraged me that we are going to try again, and we WILL have our family. I thought it was very sweet and determined. Like I said before, there is no animosity towards other people with healthy children...there is admiration. I could say why me.....but that will never manifest anything.
This week I would like to look into a supprt group or some counseling. I've gone back and forth, just because I don't want to join a pity party. I want to meet other people who may be going through the same kind of pain, but are working towards getting through it. I've debated on meds but I think they make me feel worse. What is more depressing than side effects that include weight gain, sexual dysfunction, and lost ability to cry when needed. What an emotional band aid. Not to sound like Tom Cruise- if it helped some, then it is worth it. Everyday is self work...without Zoloft.
1- get out of the house even if i dont want to.
2- if i feel that a glass of wine or two is going to help, I will have it.
3- exercise, exercise, and more exercise.
4- go outside and sit in the sun at least a few min every day.
5- laugh at one thing
6- think of one person at least who has overcome tragedy or beat the odds in some way.
7- yoga breathing
8- dont watch or read the news
9-eat healthy- fish, veggies, fruit, lemon & water, or cereal
10- listen to some upbeat, happy music
***chocolate, dark always helps.
I made my way out of the house on Sunday even though I could have easily stayed in- again. I realize that its not good for me and not fair to dh. Yes, we are both greiving but I think dads sometimes get left behind in baby loss situations like this. Often, people end up getting divorced...IT should be the opposite, this is a time in the marriage when you really have to support each other and consider their feelings too. It's hardest for us that we not only carried the baby for months but had a connection that a man could never understand. Everyone greives differently, but I think when we get all of the attention from people, men sometimes withdraw. Also, this "strong, boys don't cry" expected role doesn't help.
Dh has been wonderful all along. Sometimes he seems depressed, and others he's trying to get life to where it was before the pregnancy. We met some friends for drinks yesterday and it was at a pool deck where there was a family with small children. He saw me looking at them and encouraged me that we are going to try again, and we WILL have our family. I thought it was very sweet and determined. Like I said before, there is no animosity towards other people with healthy children...there is admiration. I could say why me.....but that will never manifest anything.
This week I would like to look into a supprt group or some counseling. I've gone back and forth, just because I don't want to join a pity party. I want to meet other people who may be going through the same kind of pain, but are working towards getting through it. I've debated on meds but I think they make me feel worse. What is more depressing than side effects that include weight gain, sexual dysfunction, and lost ability to cry when needed. What an emotional band aid. Not to sound like Tom Cruise- if it helped some, then it is worth it. Everyday is self work...without Zoloft.
1- get out of the house even if i dont want to.
2- if i feel that a glass of wine or two is going to help, I will have it.
3- exercise, exercise, and more exercise.
4- go outside and sit in the sun at least a few min every day.
5- laugh at one thing
6- think of one person at least who has overcome tragedy or beat the odds in some way.
7- yoga breathing
8- dont watch or read the news
9-eat healthy- fish, veggies, fruit, lemon & water, or cereal
10- listen to some upbeat, happy music
***chocolate, dark always helps.
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