I woke up once again at my thinking hour, 4am. It is at this time when I do a lot of reflecting, planning and sometimes mourning. With everything dark, quiet, silent I can really explore my feelings without someone monitoring them. I've dreaded the holidays, everytime I see a baby's first Christmas item in a store it drives a hole through my heart. I wonder what Julia would look like and how old she would be. I think I will always wonder.
Scattered in my living room are the box of decorations that I cannot bring myself to put up. We did not bother with a tree but dh put up lights on the outside of the house and a wreath on the door. From the outside of our home, it looks festive and Christmas"y". But on the inside, it's not Christmas. It's the same living room that I've spent the last several months secluded myself in. It's funny how similiar I feel to this house...on the outside to others I am a smile, a warm greeting but on the inside a lonely cavern.
All I can do is make bigger plans for 2008. I've found that the more things I can change the better I will feel. Grief books say not to make any major changes for one year after your loss. Are they kidding? I think when something bad happens that one cannot control it's ok to want to change anything that we have the power to control. In my book this is called getting back our power or awakening the goddess within. So, my plans? Remodel my house, lose weight, change my job- maybe go back to school, my haircolor, and even my thoughts- get rid of all that do not serve me in a positive light.
Even though I am sending Christmas cards, I guess I am kind of skipping through it in my mind. It is more to thank all those family and friends who sent me cards and flowers when I went through the "unbirth". The message in my cards is simple and universal- Peace. The real meaning behind Christmas.
Showing posts with label stillborn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stillborn. Show all posts
Friday, December 21, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
the planets
Even though I am not exactly looking forward to the holidays, moving forward in time is a relief. This past weekend, there has been a full moon and a major shifting out there in our solar system. sounding crazy, but I not only belief that we are affected by planetary energies, but I know it. The notion that the full moon brings out the "craziness" has got truth to it. Working in the hospital, we saw more emotional illness during this time and also more women go into labor during a full moon. And ironically, the day I lost Julia was during a lunar eclipse. the night before, I could feel something was not right and even Kitty was behaving strange, even the cat was trying to tell me something.
Anyway, because there is a transition going on somewhere in the cosmos, it's bringing about times of change here. I am doing my best to follow it in a positive light, it is an emotional tide mixed with holidays...great combo. My bf and I often joke about the planets being screwed up and blame them for all the fuckups in our life. I guess I started this after I had a crazy roomate in the keys. She was from brooklyn, with her nyc accent it was hilarious to hear her talking about astrology and her life. She was way ahead of me in the charts, and at that time it was saturn return for her. This the years between 27-30 where everything "hits you in the face" meaning you have realizations of things you may want to accomplish or reflect on things you have (or not). I have a series of saturn blogs somewhere out there...mine involved settling down and getting married- creation of home. I made the right choice, I adore dh and really feel that he is my soulmate.
Argggggggggh...my soulmate is decorating for christmas today. While I am trying to relax, he is climbing a huge tree in our front yard. I can tell this afternoon is going to involve alcohol......
Anyway, because there is a transition going on somewhere in the cosmos, it's bringing about times of change here. I am doing my best to follow it in a positive light, it is an emotional tide mixed with holidays...great combo. My bf and I often joke about the planets being screwed up and blame them for all the fuckups in our life. I guess I started this after I had a crazy roomate in the keys. She was from brooklyn, with her nyc accent it was hilarious to hear her talking about astrology and her life. She was way ahead of me in the charts, and at that time it was saturn return for her. This the years between 27-30 where everything "hits you in the face" meaning you have realizations of things you may want to accomplish or reflect on things you have (or not). I have a series of saturn blogs somewhere out there...mine involved settling down and getting married- creation of home. I made the right choice, I adore dh and really feel that he is my soulmate.
Argggggggggh...my soulmate is decorating for christmas today. While I am trying to relax, he is climbing a huge tree in our front yard. I can tell this afternoon is going to involve alcohol......
Friday, November 9, 2007
Don't take it personal!
I've made a very conscious decision from day one of this ordeal that when I am faced with people I don't get mad at them for not knowing what to say or saying the wrong thing. I understand that there is a stumbling for words in a case like this. I wouldn't know what to say either.
I do appreciate it when people acknowledge the fact that I even had a baby, and no she wasn't a fetus, she was a 7.12lb full size baby. I don't think they realize that. Yesterday, a co worker and friend of dh stopped by the house. she greeted me with, do you have any news? and I looked at her like what news? She quickly appologized and told me that dh gave some indication that I might be pregnant. I told her not for a while.
Here's where it gets painful, dh wants another pregnancy to happen right away. I can't do it. As much as I want to replace this void, I know there is no replacing Julia. First, I need to consider my health- I need to lose at least 30lbs. It takes me forever to lose weight...I need to eat close to nothing and workout like a monster. (I have lucky genes) This is my struggle everyday- another reason I am dreading the holidays!
Now for the things that people say that I can't help but think are stupid- by telling me there is a very slim chance of this ever happening to me again. Not true- I've heard of other women that have had repeated stillbirths- knowing this alone kills me. Until I have every test known to man and investigate all reports of the autopsy, I can't try again. My mom gets very upset when I say that, but my body is like a foreign country these days.
2- That dh and I are "young". I'm almost 32 but my joints are more like 52.
3- my fav comment from dh bf, that the fun part is making more. while this may be true, it's the 9 mos of worrying and then labor- not going to be fun.
Another one of my fav. books, the four agreements has reminded me of one of them- don't take anything personally. I'm ok with that. I've also applied this principle to the higher power. There is nothing to be taken personal with God, destiny is predetermined.
I do appreciate it when people acknowledge the fact that I even had a baby, and no she wasn't a fetus, she was a 7.12lb full size baby. I don't think they realize that. Yesterday, a co worker and friend of dh stopped by the house. she greeted me with, do you have any news? and I looked at her like what news? She quickly appologized and told me that dh gave some indication that I might be pregnant. I told her not for a while.
Here's where it gets painful, dh wants another pregnancy to happen right away. I can't do it. As much as I want to replace this void, I know there is no replacing Julia. First, I need to consider my health- I need to lose at least 30lbs. It takes me forever to lose weight...I need to eat close to nothing and workout like a monster. (I have lucky genes) This is my struggle everyday- another reason I am dreading the holidays!
Now for the things that people say that I can't help but think are stupid- by telling me there is a very slim chance of this ever happening to me again. Not true- I've heard of other women that have had repeated stillbirths- knowing this alone kills me. Until I have every test known to man and investigate all reports of the autopsy, I can't try again. My mom gets very upset when I say that, but my body is like a foreign country these days.
2- That dh and I are "young". I'm almost 32 but my joints are more like 52.
3- my fav comment from dh bf, that the fun part is making more. while this may be true, it's the 9 mos of worrying and then labor- not going to be fun.
Another one of my fav. books, the four agreements has reminded me of one of them- don't take anything personally. I'm ok with that. I've also applied this principle to the higher power. There is nothing to be taken personal with God, destiny is predetermined.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Bah humbug!
it's beginning to look a lot like christmas and I'm not liking it. So call me a grinch, I am tired of the commercialism of the holidays. Even before we were done with halloween there's christmas trees everywhere.
ironically, everytime I open a catalog i see baby's first christmas items, and it hurts. although, i've gotten so used to feeling this pain i've accepted it as part of my life. i still cry sometimes in my own privacy, but i cannot take part in a pity party, there is always someone else out there who has had a worse experience than i have. this is what keeps me going.
There have been brave women out there who have gone through numerous miscarriages and stillbirths. I don't know how they could deal with that. I can only hope that I can help inspire courage in the hearts of so many woman who are traveling down the same painful journey.
ironically, everytime I open a catalog i see baby's first christmas items, and it hurts. although, i've gotten so used to feeling this pain i've accepted it as part of my life. i still cry sometimes in my own privacy, but i cannot take part in a pity party, there is always someone else out there who has had a worse experience than i have. this is what keeps me going.
There have been brave women out there who have gone through numerous miscarriages and stillbirths. I don't know how they could deal with that. I can only hope that I can help inspire courage in the hearts of so many woman who are traveling down the same painful journey.
Monday, October 29, 2007
grief laundry
There are some days that the whirlwind of emotions get stirred up, I feel like the grief I carry is worn like my clothing. Weird analogy, but it's the only thing in my closet that fits. It's an invisible outfit, I don't want people to see my tears, because by this time it's my own. I get tired of this gloomy outfit.
This morning, I was up at 4am, sitting in a dark, quiet world, doing grief laundry. Feeling certifiably insane, I tried to get back to sleep after dh went to work. Then I get a phone call from my bf and she tells me her mom passed away. Even though they were not as close, it's an obvious unexpected shock. Her sister is only 16 and was sleeping right next to her when she did not wake up. They only had each other.
I feel so bad that this happened. Here I am entralled in my own pity party about how I cannot seem to get on with my life and my friend has her own pain to deal with. There is nothing more real than suffering, it is only part of being alive and we cannot escape it. There is no hell, it is right here within our stages of suffering. Heaven, is found only when we go past the suffering and move on our strength.
This morning, I was up at 4am, sitting in a dark, quiet world, doing grief laundry. Feeling certifiably insane, I tried to get back to sleep after dh went to work. Then I get a phone call from my bf and she tells me her mom passed away. Even though they were not as close, it's an obvious unexpected shock. Her sister is only 16 and was sleeping right next to her when she did not wake up. They only had each other.
I feel so bad that this happened. Here I am entralled in my own pity party about how I cannot seem to get on with my life and my friend has her own pain to deal with. There is nothing more real than suffering, it is only part of being alive and we cannot escape it. There is no hell, it is right here within our stages of suffering. Heaven, is found only when we go past the suffering and move on our strength.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
the insanity bandwagon
the insanity bandwagon
Posted Wednesday, September 19, 2007 10:41 AM
the insanity bandwagon has arrived early this morning. this is for me to hop on and try to sort out the millions of thoughts that consciously awake my crowded mind the second I open my eyes. this morning- more of the theories of what happened that killed Julia.
from meds i took, herbal tea i drank, maybe a wrong yoga pose, dental bacteria, some weird rare genetic disease, caffeine, splenda? what the hell was it?
i've gone down a mental list, spent hours sitting in front of this computer, and poured over every book about stillborn babies. I must be a member of every single support group online there is. Reading others heartaches gives a relation, but when I see people who have had to endure the pain of going through this more than once...sorry I would just flip out.
Vent for the day- sorry for whoever is offended by this- but if I lost my baby at 7 wks and never felt her kick,never saw her on an ultrasound, had to violently have her pulled from my body by forceps and a vac and seeing this beautiful perfect yet- dead baby...this is not the same. I know it must be painful to have a m/c or repeated m/c and not know why....but did these people did not have the same experience. There should be a board on the nest just for stillborns, not pregnancy loss.
It's also a shame that there is not more awareness in our society for this kind of tragic event. Does anyone care that it is Infant Loss awareness day on oct 15? prob since not that many people want to be aware of it- or is it because there haven't been any celebs that it happened to. Only in America.
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Posted Wednesday, September 19, 2007 10:41 AM
the insanity bandwagon has arrived early this morning. this is for me to hop on and try to sort out the millions of thoughts that consciously awake my crowded mind the second I open my eyes. this morning- more of the theories of what happened that killed Julia.
from meds i took, herbal tea i drank, maybe a wrong yoga pose, dental bacteria, some weird rare genetic disease, caffeine, splenda? what the hell was it?
i've gone down a mental list, spent hours sitting in front of this computer, and poured over every book about stillborn babies. I must be a member of every single support group online there is. Reading others heartaches gives a relation, but when I see people who have had to endure the pain of going through this more than once...sorry I would just flip out.
Vent for the day- sorry for whoever is offended by this- but if I lost my baby at 7 wks and never felt her kick,never saw her on an ultrasound, had to violently have her pulled from my body by forceps and a vac and seeing this beautiful perfect yet- dead baby...this is not the same. I know it must be painful to have a m/c or repeated m/c and not know why....but did these people did not have the same experience. There should be a board on the nest just for stillborns, not pregnancy loss.
It's also a shame that there is not more awareness in our society for this kind of tragic event. Does anyone care that it is Infant Loss awareness day on oct 15? prob since not that many people want to be aware of it- or is it because there haven't been any celebs that it happened to. Only in America.
Posted by gigi_rafaelFiled under: stillborn loss [Edit Tags]
2 Comments [Edit]
More Posts « Previous page - Next page »
About gigi_rafael
This cutie needs some company!Upload your baby's pic.
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