Today I'm one year older. I'm not exactly thrilled that it's my birthday since one year ago today I tested and discovered at 31 I was going to have our first baby. It was the best birthday, just a quiet romantic dinner at Salt Island with my love. I remember feeling like I was on a cloud, all I could imagine or talk about was what the next 9 mos- and my life was going to be like. It was a tremendous awakening. If only I knew, one year later, instead of picking up toys, it's the pieces of my life.
Now at 32 in years, but more like 72 physically and mentally. I have no idea when or how I will ever be able to make it through another pregnancy. I often tell others that I will try again but I don't know if that is to comfort them or myself. I know deep down I am a warrior, but fear sometimes takes over. Even a photo of myself as a baby is disturbing to look at since my baby was a clone of me. She looked like her dad in some ways too, but judging from my first photo after birth, the resemblance is undeniable.
My plans for today are to do absolutely nothing...play some beautiful music, stay warm and drink some good wine while i wear my rose tinted sunglasses. Retail therapy is also a possibility. Although I always seem to buy funky ridiculous things (like a leopard cap, zebra boots, fun hairpieces, etc) that I will never wear but keep for years. Then I look back and wonder what the hell i was thinking when I bought this? oh yea, it was my birthday.
The weight loss has been going well...but chocolate is in the plan for today for sure.
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Diary of a carb queen in the cold
For the first few days of the year Florida weather is showing signs of the typical "winter". On new years it was really not that cold, but the following days after have dropped from the 80's all the way to the 40's. Jack Frost was out this morning and he totally sabotaged my workout. Oh well, better Jack Frost than jack daniels.
I'm sorry for those who are in snow while I complain about a nippy yet sunny morning. I just cannot do cold anymore. If I could move any further south then I would. Cold weather does nothing for me but keep me indoors and under covers.
I'll admit that I do not want to even think about getting on the scale today. That victorous 5 lbs that I lost in the past week may have made a comeback since the last days I have fallen off the wagon. Since we've rung in the new year, besides the drinks, there have been many indulgences in bread and chips. (chips not good for hips!) Yesterday dh talked me into chinese food- and I did eat some chocolates.
My plan is to not deprive myself of everything. but from past experience, I know that if I want to lose the weight, there can not be too many "off the wagon" days. There can not be skip the gym days. I glanced through Michael Thurman's book yesterday and agree with a lot of his weight loss principles. He claims his diet can reduce one pant size in 6 days. Of course I think it's possible, but one must follow his plan of no sugar, lower carbs and lots of water (and the 6 sm meal a day plan) Dh continues to debate with me that not eating is going to help. When actaully, skipping meals is only a recipe to appear larger.
I can't seem to help my carb addiction. I've read somewhere that there is a gene for carb addiction- could it be more in people like me of Italian descent? Since I've known myself, I've always loved breads, pasta, cakes and pastry! My grandparents always found holes in the italian bread when they got home from the market. My grandfather used to speculate there was a mouse with my name in the car. The shop owner then had a small loaf of bread waiting for me when I would go shopping with my grandma. That was only the beginning. It took years of eating too much of the wrong stuff to realize it was draining my energy and making me fat.
Today's plan is simple. No bread :( only salad, a soup (or stoup as Rachel Ray calls a stew/soup), lean proteins and beans. I already made it through the morning without sugar in my coffee, no sugars today.
Activity- stomach crunches, leg lifts, walking lunges...away from the fridge:)
I'm sorry for those who are in snow while I complain about a nippy yet sunny morning. I just cannot do cold anymore. If I could move any further south then I would. Cold weather does nothing for me but keep me indoors and under covers.
I'll admit that I do not want to even think about getting on the scale today. That victorous 5 lbs that I lost in the past week may have made a comeback since the last days I have fallen off the wagon. Since we've rung in the new year, besides the drinks, there have been many indulgences in bread and chips. (chips not good for hips!) Yesterday dh talked me into chinese food- and I did eat some chocolates.
My plan is to not deprive myself of everything. but from past experience, I know that if I want to lose the weight, there can not be too many "off the wagon" days. There can not be skip the gym days. I glanced through Michael Thurman's book yesterday and agree with a lot of his weight loss principles. He claims his diet can reduce one pant size in 6 days. Of course I think it's possible, but one must follow his plan of no sugar, lower carbs and lots of water (and the 6 sm meal a day plan) Dh continues to debate with me that not eating is going to help. When actaully, skipping meals is only a recipe to appear larger.
I can't seem to help my carb addiction. I've read somewhere that there is a gene for carb addiction- could it be more in people like me of Italian descent? Since I've known myself, I've always loved breads, pasta, cakes and pastry! My grandparents always found holes in the italian bread when they got home from the market. My grandfather used to speculate there was a mouse with my name in the car. The shop owner then had a small loaf of bread waiting for me when I would go shopping with my grandma. That was only the beginning. It took years of eating too much of the wrong stuff to realize it was draining my energy and making me fat.
Today's plan is simple. No bread :( only salad, a soup (or stoup as Rachel Ray calls a stew/soup), lean proteins and beans. I already made it through the morning without sugar in my coffee, no sugars today.
Activity- stomach crunches, leg lifts, walking lunges...away from the fridge:)
Friday, December 28, 2007
the great amount of weight
From this day forward I've decided I am going to keep my blogs focused on postpartum weightloss. I am feeling kind of motivated after losing 3 lbs during the holiday week. (despite the fact that I ate cheesecake, drank alcohol and had lasagna amoung other things).
I've learned that postpartum weightloss is so difficult. The pregnancy not only messes up our hormones, but it seems like the sagging has begun. Gravity is not helping me out here, my belly is looking like the front end of a volkswagon and my thighs are like melting candles. ok, so I'm being funny but I am serious about losing the weight, even though weight loss is typically difficult for me. Forget genetics, diets and doctors, I will do it! Getting in shape is the most important factor in my healing process. The day when my body no longer has evidence of this pregnancy will be the one when I can think about going into another one with confidence.
Diets don't particularly work for me. Yes I've been a 15 lbs yo-yo for most of my life. When I was in high school I was on weight watchers. There's nothing wrong with WW, but for me it is too many food options. And there is not much focus on exercise other than walking. Walking is good cardio and some activity is better than none, but to fight the gravity of sag, one must do LOTS of cardio and moderatly build up to weight lifting.
The most amount I have ever lost was around 30-40lbs, at which time I worked out with a trainer whom I learned so much from. He corrected many of my eating habits- low carb but lots of lean protein, don't bother eating iceburg lettuce (no nutritional value, instead romaine), whole grain breads over white, eating small amounts of food throughout the day rather than 3 meals - or starving myself.
Other rules I follow to lose weight- eat nothing processed. I know it's easy for someone with a schedule like mine to say no to Lean cuisine...It's a pain in the butt- but eat only fresh fruits, veggies, and anything that did not come from a can, or box. Why because the preservatives they use in these foods do us no favor.
Fast food equals fat food and I notice the more I stay away from it the faster I lose. in a pinch I will eat wendy's chilli, chik fil a grilled chicken, or a wrap but again, these foods are not what we should put into our bodies. The sodium content is too high. again...its preservatives.
I also drink lots of water. I don't drink diet sodas, only an occasional tea. Sometimes I enjoy sugarfree hotcocoa if I am craving sweets. Sugar has got to be the worst thing ever (but OH SO good!) I think this 3 lbs came about since I stopped eating anything with sugar (with the exception of juniors cheesecake on xmas) I only use Splenda in my coffee. (not a fan of artificial sweetners either, but its better than nothing)
It's not going to be easy by any means, but I believe that I can do it- anyone can. The most important factor is to love ourselves- yes love all of the cellulite, flabby chicken arms, thunder thighs and all! It is only then that we can visualize ourselves as fit, healthy. From the way I see it,. this is the beginning to being sucessful. humans spend too much time focusing on what we don't like about ourselves, not realizing that when we focus on those things as they are- they cannot change.
My fav quote- "If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten!"
I've learned that postpartum weightloss is so difficult. The pregnancy not only messes up our hormones, but it seems like the sagging has begun. Gravity is not helping me out here, my belly is looking like the front end of a volkswagon and my thighs are like melting candles. ok, so I'm being funny but I am serious about losing the weight, even though weight loss is typically difficult for me. Forget genetics, diets and doctors, I will do it! Getting in shape is the most important factor in my healing process. The day when my body no longer has evidence of this pregnancy will be the one when I can think about going into another one with confidence.
Diets don't particularly work for me. Yes I've been a 15 lbs yo-yo for most of my life. When I was in high school I was on weight watchers. There's nothing wrong with WW, but for me it is too many food options. And there is not much focus on exercise other than walking. Walking is good cardio and some activity is better than none, but to fight the gravity of sag, one must do LOTS of cardio and moderatly build up to weight lifting.
The most amount I have ever lost was around 30-40lbs, at which time I worked out with a trainer whom I learned so much from. He corrected many of my eating habits- low carb but lots of lean protein, don't bother eating iceburg lettuce (no nutritional value, instead romaine), whole grain breads over white, eating small amounts of food throughout the day rather than 3 meals - or starving myself.
Other rules I follow to lose weight- eat nothing processed. I know it's easy for someone with a schedule like mine to say no to Lean cuisine...It's a pain in the butt- but eat only fresh fruits, veggies, and anything that did not come from a can, or box. Why because the preservatives they use in these foods do us no favor.
Fast food equals fat food and I notice the more I stay away from it the faster I lose. in a pinch I will eat wendy's chilli, chik fil a grilled chicken, or a wrap but again, these foods are not what we should put into our bodies. The sodium content is too high. again...its preservatives.
I also drink lots of water. I don't drink diet sodas, only an occasional tea. Sometimes I enjoy sugarfree hotcocoa if I am craving sweets. Sugar has got to be the worst thing ever (but OH SO good!) I think this 3 lbs came about since I stopped eating anything with sugar (with the exception of juniors cheesecake on xmas) I only use Splenda in my coffee. (not a fan of artificial sweetners either, but its better than nothing)
It's not going to be easy by any means, but I believe that I can do it- anyone can. The most important factor is to love ourselves- yes love all of the cellulite, flabby chicken arms, thunder thighs and all! It is only then that we can visualize ourselves as fit, healthy. From the way I see it,. this is the beginning to being sucessful. humans spend too much time focusing on what we don't like about ourselves, not realizing that when we focus on those things as they are- they cannot change.
My fav quote- "If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten!"
Friday, November 23, 2007
after the turkey
I've been dreading the holidays because its a time to remind me of the part of my family that is missing. Thanksgiving is a day to be thankful for what you have and all i could think about is what I don't. I guess I can say I was ok at putting on a front all day. Under controlled tears and crankiness left me feeling like a shaken soda by the end of the day.
It was after we left my parents that dh and i really got into it. He's pointed out that I can't seem to get my life back together, I've not been contributing my part these days, yada, yada, yada. It's all like radio talk to me, I'm living in a different reality than he can even understand. Yes, he is greving too but last night I made him understand how men are from mars and women are from venus. And this venusian is hurting, no matter how much I can convince people that I'm ok, I'm actually broken. And when something doesn't function, well, it's broken.
As a holistic practioner, I help people find balance in the health of their mind, body and spirit. these days, I find that it is not only difficult but impossible to continue with this when I can't even put the pieces of my life back together. My mind is a mess of emotions, my body is like a foreign country- I cannot lose weight or get even close to the shape I was in, my spirit feels like it's been raped. I have always been very spiritual and have tried to maintain my faith but it's hard to believe in anything anymore. I've always walked around thanking God for giving me a beautiful marriage, a great career, a loving family and everything in my life. My attitude is anything but greatful- I admit it. I'm cyncial, pissed and angry...all of the emotions that I promised I would not allow in my heart.
If only I had realized the simplier times in life....
It was after we left my parents that dh and i really got into it. He's pointed out that I can't seem to get my life back together, I've not been contributing my part these days, yada, yada, yada. It's all like radio talk to me, I'm living in a different reality than he can even understand. Yes, he is greving too but last night I made him understand how men are from mars and women are from venus. And this venusian is hurting, no matter how much I can convince people that I'm ok, I'm actually broken. And when something doesn't function, well, it's broken.
As a holistic practioner, I help people find balance in the health of their mind, body and spirit. these days, I find that it is not only difficult but impossible to continue with this when I can't even put the pieces of my life back together. My mind is a mess of emotions, my body is like a foreign country- I cannot lose weight or get even close to the shape I was in, my spirit feels like it's been raped. I have always been very spiritual and have tried to maintain my faith but it's hard to believe in anything anymore. I've always walked around thanking God for giving me a beautiful marriage, a great career, a loving family and everything in my life. My attitude is anything but greatful- I admit it. I'm cyncial, pissed and angry...all of the emotions that I promised I would not allow in my heart.
If only I had realized the simplier times in life....
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Aunt Flo's plane was highjacked
It's been a while since I have had the time to think about my problems since so many others around me are going through some sort of a challenge these days. I've said it before and I say it again, I'm so looking forward to letting go of 2007. Yes I would chalk it up as the worst year ever.
Since the birth, I've felt like a visitor in my own body. It's not just the extra 30 pounds, it's been Ibs, joint pain, and possible thyroid problems. I'm not sure what to expect next. I was expecting to see aunt flo by now, but she has still not arrived, even 2 wks after the milk dried up, no arrival. I have been told that it is normal- here we go with that word- to not have a period for up to 4 mos and sometimes even longer.
I've been feeling that impeding sense of doom that AF was on her way in, the crampy feeling, the back pain, skin changes, the bitchiness- overwhelming desire to go coco for cocopuffs j/k! I know the tide is rolling in, but no sign of her. DH suggested that I go buy a test, but i am not sure I want to know...I'm just not ready- mentally or physically.
Of course, if i am i will make immediate changes in my life as i did before, but i will be a fanatic and i cannot help it. call me crunchy- but after what i went thru it's going to be an organic diet with no exceptions. i also plan on having a fetal heart monitor and very frequent ultrasounds.
a friend of ours is having her baby today. she is 10 days past her due date.i cannot believe how many times they sent her home. sorry, but if it was me, i will threaten to induce my own labor in the parking lot- see how fast they WILL induce! sadly, i cannot go near that hospital to see her, it just freaks me out.
Since the birth, I've felt like a visitor in my own body. It's not just the extra 30 pounds, it's been Ibs, joint pain, and possible thyroid problems. I'm not sure what to expect next. I was expecting to see aunt flo by now, but she has still not arrived, even 2 wks after the milk dried up, no arrival. I have been told that it is normal- here we go with that word- to not have a period for up to 4 mos and sometimes even longer.
I've been feeling that impeding sense of doom that AF was on her way in, the crampy feeling, the back pain, skin changes, the bitchiness- overwhelming desire to go coco for cocopuffs j/k! I know the tide is rolling in, but no sign of her. DH suggested that I go buy a test, but i am not sure I want to know...I'm just not ready- mentally or physically.
Of course, if i am i will make immediate changes in my life as i did before, but i will be a fanatic and i cannot help it. call me crunchy- but after what i went thru it's going to be an organic diet with no exceptions. i also plan on having a fetal heart monitor and very frequent ultrasounds.
a friend of ours is having her baby today. she is 10 days past her due date.i cannot believe how many times they sent her home. sorry, but if it was me, i will threaten to induce my own labor in the parking lot- see how fast they WILL induce! sadly, i cannot go near that hospital to see her, it just freaks me out.
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