On Christmas day I watched the Secret with my mom. Now I've blogged a lot about the Secret because I do believe in it. And somehow, I've known about it since I was a child. Always an insomniac, I listened to soft, positive music at night and 'I would visualize my future. If there was something I wanted, I would really concentrate on it and somehow, things would happen.
My husband, also a Secret Believer, is one of my secret manifestions. There have been a lot of frogs before I met my prince, but I always knew what I was looking for in the person I would marry. When I was a teenager I wrote down a list of qualities I dreamed of in a future husband. From what I can remember the list was something like: calm, easygoing, international- well traveled, funny, cute-dark hair, tall, good listener (well maybe not), not religous but spiritual, loves nature, honest,sweet yada, yada.As I got older, I did not forgot about the list, but I forgot the dream and began creating patterns of attracting what I did not want. happen to find it in my old diary recently. It's scary to see how I was basically describing Rafael to a T!
The Secret has not only worked for me in relationships, but I have even seen how it works with almost anything you desire, jobs, getting in shape. It is not as easy as it sounds, because it seems that there is often some demon we all have wrestled at one time or another telling us our desire is an impossibility.
I've blogged about the secret many times, and I have recently had a few people respond asking about tragic things like rape, bad accidents, etc The question is- don't some things just happen as a random destiny? Is it our faulty thinking that causes something bad to happen? This is the part I struggle with.
I responded with my story, I have seen how some manifestations are the result of what we want and some of what we do not want. I think it's true that we often focus so much on the things that we don't want, we attract them. My mom kept telling me not to blame myself for what has happened with Julia. But I do believe that I sent out a lot of negative vibes- I focused on the wrong things, even though I was happy about the baby. I was obsessed about the weight gain, the physical discomforts as well as the emotional changes- would my life be the same with a baby? Could I finish school? Would I be a good mom?
I spent too much time allowing my thoughts to ponder off into self doubt and fear. People said those kind emotions may be "normal"( there it is my least fav word!) But dwelling on them can have a toxic effect. And quite obviously, it did. I was putting limits on my potential as a parent before it even happened. There was a voice in my head that was telling me, I've got to change my thoughts.
Now as painful as it is, I have come to the realization that my loss was meant to change my life. Sort of a life detour.Every aspect is changed from career to relationships. The road seems rough and dark, but if I focus on the stretch a mile at a time, I will see the sun again

Christmas has been canceled....

I woke up once again at my thinking hour, 4am. It is at this time when I do a lot of reflecting, planning and sometimes mourning. With everything dark, quiet, silent I can really explore my feelings without someone monitoring them. I've dreaded the holidays, everytime I see a baby's first Christmas item in a store it drives a hole through my heart. I wonder what Julia would look like and how old she would be. I think I will always wonder.
Scattered in my living room are the box of decorations that I cannot bring myself to put up. We did not bother with a tree but dh put up lights on the outside of the house and a wreath on the door. From the outside of our home, it looks festive and Christmas"y". But on the inside, it's not Christmas. It's the same living room that I've spent the last several months secluded myself in. It's funny how similiar I feel to this house...on the outside to others I am a smile, a warm greeting but on the inside a lonely cavern.
All I can do is make bigger plans for 2008. I've found that the more things I can change the better I will feel. Grief books say not to make any major changes for one year after your loss. Are they kidding? I think when something bad happens that one cannot control it's ok to want to change anything that we have the power to control. In my book this is called getting back our power or awakening the goddess within. So, my plans? Remodel my house, lose weight, change my job- maybe go back to school, my haircolor, and even my thoughts- get rid of all that do not serve me in a positive light.
Even though I am sending Christmas cards, I guess I am kind of skipping through it in my mind. It is more to thank all those family and friends who sent me cards and flowers when I went through the "unbirth". The message in my cards is simple and universal- Peace. The real meaning behind Christmas.

The Jamie Lynn trainwreck

Ok, since I am back on the planet, I have to comment on this Jamie Lynn trainwreck, as they put it. To begin with, fame is a lot to handle at a young age. Just look at how many of the child stars are all screwed up because they grew up in the public eye. Why? In my opinion, these parents put their kids in a position where they are vulnerable to areas of maturity when they need to still be a kid- eg going through high school, learning about life without everything being handed to them. And sometimes its like they pimp out their children to the devil in order to make themselves capitalize.
Yes, it is unfortunate teenage pregnancy does happen. Even though some of the best moms I know today may have been young, I am sure everyone can agree that it robs these girls at some of the most important years of our womanhood foundation.Pregnancy is a huge mental and physical alteration- I don't know how I would have ever handled it at 16 (I'm 31!) esp the loss part..I'd probably go insane for sure.
Jamie Lynn is going to glamorize it and I think it's going to piss off parents everywhere when their girl comes home and says "but mom if jamielynn can be a mom I can do it too!" Britney wanted to be a young mom and she's done a great job- had them taken away only twice, gets them zoom treatments on their teeth, takes them tanning, and even lets them drive at 10 mos. cool mommy.
While I cannot judge Lynn Spears, I think she should have been more careful for what she wished for. After what happened with trainwreck #1, didn't she talk to her about the pill, condoms, a chastity belt?
Sorry, I would not be doing any interview with a magazine . I'd take that girl out of the public glam and show her how real life is. In the real world people have to work hard to finish school with a baby. And quite often, they don't have the same luxuries as she does. And the boy- well lets just say he would have to get a j-o-b.
Now it seems to be all over the media "what should we tell our teens"? Talk to them about birth control and even more important- hiv, herpes, hpv, etc. What ever happened to those commercials? Oh I think the pharmacuetical companies replaced the warnings with Valtrex- just take a pill and go hang gliding...it's not like you will ever have to deal with the emotions of having herpes again. We don't see commercials that deal with the prevention of stds. And even though I thought the Trojan ad where the pigs in the bar turn into men after they purchase condoms, it says nothing about disease.
It's obvious people- we are giving the wrong message to kids these days.

Don't take it personal!

I've made a very conscious decision from day one of this ordeal that when I am faced with people I don't get mad at them for not knowing what to say or saying the wrong thing. I understand that there is a stumbling for words in a case like this. I wouldn't know what to say either.
I do appreciate it when people acknowledge the fact that I even had a baby, and no she wasn't a fetus, she was a 7.12lb full size baby. I don't think they realize that. Yesterday, a co worker and friend of dh stopped by the house. she greeted me with, do you have any news? and I looked at her like what news? She quickly appologized and told me that dh gave some indication that I might be pregnant. I told her not for a while.
Here's where it gets painful, dh wants another pregnancy to happen right away. I can't do it. As much as I want to replace this void, I know there is no replacing Julia. First, I need to consider my health- I need to lose at least 30lbs. It takes me forever to lose weight...I need to eat close to nothing and workout like a monster. (I have lucky genes) This is my struggle everyday- another reason I am dreading the holidays!
Now for the things that people say that I can't help but think are stupid- by telling me there is a very slim chance of this ever happening to me again. Not true- I've heard of other women that have had repeated stillbirths- knowing this alone kills me. Until I have every test known to man and investigate all reports of the autopsy, I can't try again. My mom gets very upset when I say that, but my body is like a foreign country these days.
2- That dh and I are "young". I'm almost 32 but my joints are more like 52.
3- my fav comment from dh bf, that the fun part is making more. while this may be true, it's the 9 mos of worrying and then labor- not going to be fun.
Another one of my fav. books, the four agreements has reminded me of one of them- don't take anything personally. I'm ok with that. I've also applied this principle to the higher power. There is nothing to be taken personal with God, destiny is predetermined.

Bah humbug!

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas and I'm not liking it. So call me a grinch, I am tired of the commercialism of the holidays. Even before we were done with halloween there's christmas trees everywhere.
ironically, everytime I open a catalog i see baby's first christmas items, and it hurts. although, i've gotten so used to feeling this pain i've accepted it as part of my life. i still cry sometimes in my own privacy, but i cannot take part in a pity party, there is always someone else out there who has had a worse experience than i have. this is what keeps me going.
There have been brave women out there who have gone through numerous miscarriages and stillbirths. I don't know how they could deal with that. I can only hope that I can help inspire courage in the hearts of so many woman who are traveling down the same painful journey.

Yin and Yang

Today I worked for the first time in months. Eagerly, I jumped back into the world I knew before the pregnancy. Some faces are familiar, some new. It's amazing how many people changed hair, relationships, moved, stayed etc. in a few months. I look at it all like I've been in a time warp or in some sort of a coma, walking back into a new reality.

A few people asked about the baby. They didn't know. I told them. I don't get mad at people for not knowing, or at innocent pregnant women just because they are pregnant. I think this feeling of peace with destiny, no matter how crappy it is. There is no healing when too much anger is involved. Even when people make those blounderous comments that are designed to make me feel better that don't come out right. I understand it's not easy for people deal with the loss of a baby. It's just not supposed to happen. I've learned to dismiss comments like "you're still young, you can have another", "it" (not she) was not meant to be", or "you're strong, you'll be fine."

I just want people to know that I am okay. Yes, it hurts like hell some days but I refuse to be a victim of anything. I cannot allow myself to be. In my deepest beliefs, we are all to learn about life through experience. i've learned a lot since the loss of my daughter. As her mother, I constantly held a vision of things I wanted to teach her, and instead she became my teacher; only we never met.

baby envy

Getting through the loss of this baby has taught me so many things. Even though there are times when I feel I am losing it, get angry, emotional, self blame and all of the stages...I realze that she was a light of my life to bring my awareness to my own feelings.
There is nothing to be taken for granted. Life is precious and can be ceased at any moment without notice. We must be greatful for small blessings we are granted. Yes, I get angry with God at times, but what does that do?
I'm very disturbed by a post I read in another support group by an angry mother who had a similiar experience with stillbith as I had. She's angry, she hates others with babies, and cannot get pregnant again. (although she does have 3 other children). This may be a natural reaction, I'm sure there are people out there who feel this bitterness. But it is this bitterness and anger that is often sabotaging their efforts to conceive again.
I believe in the works of Lousie Hay and Wayne Dyer- we manifest our physical problems with our thoughts- whether subconcious or not. Not to say that m/c and stillbirths are caused on our own. But often, there is some deep emotional issue that we have yet to resolve in our lives. We may not even be aware of it.
In order to have a healthy body, we've got to have a healthy mind. If there's one thing I learned in all of this- it's not to complain and be thankful. If I am ever granted the blessing of another pregnancy I will take care to endure every ache, pain and puke with my heart. And when I see others with babies- my wish for them is that they appreciate and love the child.
Even though I feel like some days I am in a living hell, I relaize that I am further creating that hell by negative emotions. IT's easiest to bottle them up and put on the shelf, but then how would I ever move on>