It's monday and of course I woke up in wandering mind mode. I didn't stay in it for too long like I usually do. Wandering mind mode is the "what if's", "what happened" and "why?". This can make one go insane. But since I have yet to hear from my doctor it is driving me insane.
I made my way out of the house on Sunday even though I could have easily stayed in- again. I realize that its not good for me and not fair to dh. Yes, we are both greiving but I think dads sometimes get left behind in baby loss situations like this. Often, people end up getting divorced...IT should be the opposite, this is a time in the marriage when you really have to support each other and consider their feelings too. It's hardest for us that we not only carried the baby for months but had a connection that a man could never understand. Everyone greives differently, but I think when we get all of the attention from people, men sometimes withdraw. Also, this "strong, boys don't cry" expected role doesn't help.
Dh has been wonderful all along. Sometimes he seems depressed, and others he's trying to get life to where it was before the pregnancy. We met some friends for drinks yesterday and it was at a pool deck where there was a family with small children. He saw me looking at them and encouraged me that we are going to try again, and we WILL have our family. I thought it was very sweet and determined. Like I said before, there is no animosity towards other people with healthy children...there is admiration. I could say why me.....but that will never manifest anything.
This week I would like to look into a supprt group or some counseling. I've gone back and forth, just because I don't want to join a pity party. I want to meet other people who may be going through the same kind of pain, but are working towards getting through it. I've debated on meds but I think they make me feel worse. What is more depressing than side effects that include weight gain, sexual dysfunction, and lost ability to cry when needed. What an emotional band aid. Not to sound like Tom Cruise- if it helped some, then it is worth it. Everyday is self work...without Zoloft.
1- get out of the house even if i dont want to.
2- if i feel that a glass of wine or two is going to help, I will have it.
3- exercise, exercise, and more exercise.
4- go outside and sit in the sun at least a few min every day.
5- laugh at one thing
6- think of one person at least who has overcome tragedy or beat the odds in some way.
7- yoga breathing
8- dont watch or read the news
9-eat healthy- fish, veggies, fruit, lemon & water, or cereal
10- listen to some upbeat, happy music
***chocolate, dark always helps.
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