Yin and Yang

Today I worked for the first time in months. Eagerly, I jumped back into the world I knew before the pregnancy. Some faces are familiar, some new. It's amazing how many people changed hair, relationships, moved, stayed etc. in a few months. I look at it all like I've been in a time warp or in some sort of a coma, walking back into a new reality.

A few people asked about the baby. They didn't know. I told them. I don't get mad at people for not knowing, or at innocent pregnant women just because they are pregnant. I think this feeling of peace with destiny, no matter how crappy it is. There is no healing when too much anger is involved. Even when people make those blounderous comments that are designed to make me feel better that don't come out right. I understand it's not easy for people deal with the loss of a baby. It's just not supposed to happen. I've learned to dismiss comments like "you're still young, you can have another", "it" (not she) was not meant to be", or "you're strong, you'll be fine."

I just want people to know that I am okay. Yes, it hurts like hell some days but I refuse to be a victim of anything. I cannot allow myself to be. In my deepest beliefs, we are all to learn about life through experience. i've learned a lot since the loss of my daughter. As her mother, I constantly held a vision of things I wanted to teach her, and instead she became my teacher; only we never met.

grief laundry

There are some days that the whirlwind of emotions get stirred up, I feel like the grief I carry is worn like my clothing. Weird analogy, but it's the only thing in my closet that fits. It's an invisible outfit, I don't want people to see my tears, because by this time it's my own. I get tired of this gloomy outfit.
This morning, I was up at 4am, sitting in a dark, quiet world, doing grief laundry. Feeling certifiably insane, I tried to get back to sleep after dh went to work. Then I get a phone call from my bf and she tells me her mom passed away. Even though they were not as close, it's an obvious unexpected shock. Her sister is only 16 and was sleeping right next to her when she did not wake up. They only had each other.
I feel so bad that this happened. Here I am entralled in my own pity party about how I cannot seem to get on with my life and my friend has her own pain to deal with. There is nothing more real than suffering, it is only part of being alive and we cannot escape it. There is no hell, it is right here within our stages of suffering. Heaven, is found only when we go past the suffering and move on our strength.