It's been a rainy weekend, but quiet. I'm starting to feel a bit more in control of my emotions. Finally, I made it to the gym and was happy to see that I lost 4 lbs. out of the 40 I need to lose. IT's amazing, I feel flabby but not 40 lbs overweight. Once the weight is gone, it's another step towards healing. Not having to see a once pregnant belly in the mirror.
In a spiritual sense, this whole ugly event has taught me to appreciate and love my body- even though some part of me feels that she (my body) has failed me. When I'm honest with myself, I realize it's not my body that failed me, it's my mind. No, it's not that i am beating myself up, I'm having a very human awakening. There are times when I was too negative about my body image, my ability to handle a baby, disappointment over goals that I did not acheive. Those thoughts are lies. I'm reading the Four Agreements and it's wonderful! the first "agreement"- be impeccable with your word- stop using it against yourself!
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Friday, September 28, 2007
"peace" of mind
finally i spoke with the dr yesterday. of course i had to wait all day for the phone call so by the time he called back i was shaking, sitting on a pins and needles sofa. apparently, some of the babies blood cells were backed up into my blood. of course, what happened is extrememly rare and there is not much of an explaination as to why it happened. this is a mystery to my dr, and even more confusing to me. usually, this happens when there is RH dis-ease present. So I've racked my brain with could i be rh neg and not know it? I tested positive!
Then the other indication for fetomaternal hem. is an abdominal trauma. The dr asked me if I had any kind of injury. Well, the last few weeks I felt like humpty dumpty, but there was no great fall. I was active, I carried groceries, I vacuumed, cleaned but nothing that I can recall.
I still have 2 more wks until I go back to the dr, and then the specialists. Hopefully, there will be more tests back to get the full picture. Having some news has been therapuetic for me. Although I admit it has added to my obsession in a way, I am researching all I can about it. Each year, 26,000 American women experience this nightmare and there is so little research about it. As each hospital is different, there is not any universal protocol for stillbirths. I don't see myself going back into healthcare any time in the future (thought i did!), but it is something I cannot stop to investigate. There has to be more we can do to stop this or at least identify why instead of sending parents home to go crazy wondering.
Then the other indication for fetomaternal hem. is an abdominal trauma. The dr asked me if I had any kind of injury. Well, the last few weeks I felt like humpty dumpty, but there was no great fall. I was active, I carried groceries, I vacuumed, cleaned but nothing that I can recall.
I still have 2 more wks until I go back to the dr, and then the specialists. Hopefully, there will be more tests back to get the full picture. Having some news has been therapuetic for me. Although I admit it has added to my obsession in a way, I am researching all I can about it. Each year, 26,000 American women experience this nightmare and there is so little research about it. As each hospital is different, there is not any universal protocol for stillbirths. I don't see myself going back into healthcare any time in the future (thought i did!), but it is something I cannot stop to investigate. There has to be more we can do to stop this or at least identify why instead of sending parents home to go crazy wondering.
Friday, September 21, 2007
time to blow up the tv
Heading into week 3, it's amazing how slow the time is going. days are passing by and I am acomplishing nothing. I am trying to not be so hard on myself, but I think it's a nice day to get out of this house.
The tv is beginning to piss me off...usually I avoid the news. From the typical political BS to the guy who wants to sue God to prove a point. Even worse, the 18 yr old girl who delivered her baby in a college dorm and suffocated her. I once read that Elvis used to shoot at his tvs- pretty psychotic but now it all makes some sort of sense.
i'm tired of seeing the view- and the today show the women are annoying at times. On every channel the topic of the day is about sex and marriage. (or divorce)- Just because this stupid political woman in germany thinks all marriages should just dissolve after 7 yrs. Maybe if people stopped getting married for the wrong reasons- ie money, they think nothing better will come along, the sex- a ridiculous reason. And get rid of this "me" attitude, when the marriage no longer suits "me".
As I've said before, this heartbreaking experience of losing a child is a strain on a marriage- it can either pull people away or put them even closer together. It's not all about me- everything in my life is thought of as "we". we are going through this together, and together is the only way to make it through.
I constantly worry about dh, I know he is depressed too but doesn't want to go to anyone to talk about it. I can understand, and all I can do is be there when he wants to talk.
The tv is beginning to piss me off...usually I avoid the news. From the typical political BS to the guy who wants to sue God to prove a point. Even worse, the 18 yr old girl who delivered her baby in a college dorm and suffocated her. I once read that Elvis used to shoot at his tvs- pretty psychotic but now it all makes some sort of sense.
i'm tired of seeing the view- and the today show the women are annoying at times. On every channel the topic of the day is about sex and marriage. (or divorce)- Just because this stupid political woman in germany thinks all marriages should just dissolve after 7 yrs. Maybe if people stopped getting married for the wrong reasons- ie money, they think nothing better will come along, the sex- a ridiculous reason. And get rid of this "me" attitude, when the marriage no longer suits "me".
As I've said before, this heartbreaking experience of losing a child is a strain on a marriage- it can either pull people away or put them even closer together. It's not all about me- everything in my life is thought of as "we". we are going through this together, and together is the only way to make it through.
I constantly worry about dh, I know he is depressed too but doesn't want to go to anyone to talk about it. I can understand, and all I can do is be there when he wants to talk.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
the insanity bandwagon
the insanity bandwagon
Posted Wednesday, September 19, 2007 10:41 AM
the insanity bandwagon has arrived early this morning. this is for me to hop on and try to sort out the millions of thoughts that consciously awake my crowded mind the second I open my eyes. this morning- more of the theories of what happened that killed Julia.
from meds i took, herbal tea i drank, maybe a wrong yoga pose, dental bacteria, some weird rare genetic disease, caffeine, splenda? what the hell was it?
i've gone down a mental list, spent hours sitting in front of this computer, and poured over every book about stillborn babies. I must be a member of every single support group online there is. Reading others heartaches gives a relation, but when I see people who have had to endure the pain of going through this more than once...sorry I would just flip out.
Vent for the day- sorry for whoever is offended by this- but if I lost my baby at 7 wks and never felt her kick,never saw her on an ultrasound, had to violently have her pulled from my body by forceps and a vac and seeing this beautiful perfect yet- dead baby...this is not the same. I know it must be painful to have a m/c or repeated m/c and not know why....but did these people did not have the same experience. There should be a board on the nest just for stillborns, not pregnancy loss.
It's also a shame that there is not more awareness in our society for this kind of tragic event. Does anyone care that it is Infant Loss awareness day on oct 15? prob since not that many people want to be aware of it- or is it because there haven't been any celebs that it happened to. Only in America.
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Posted Wednesday, September 19, 2007 10:41 AM
the insanity bandwagon has arrived early this morning. this is for me to hop on and try to sort out the millions of thoughts that consciously awake my crowded mind the second I open my eyes. this morning- more of the theories of what happened that killed Julia.
from meds i took, herbal tea i drank, maybe a wrong yoga pose, dental bacteria, some weird rare genetic disease, caffeine, splenda? what the hell was it?
i've gone down a mental list, spent hours sitting in front of this computer, and poured over every book about stillborn babies. I must be a member of every single support group online there is. Reading others heartaches gives a relation, but when I see people who have had to endure the pain of going through this more than once...sorry I would just flip out.
Vent for the day- sorry for whoever is offended by this- but if I lost my baby at 7 wks and never felt her kick,never saw her on an ultrasound, had to violently have her pulled from my body by forceps and a vac and seeing this beautiful perfect yet- dead baby...this is not the same. I know it must be painful to have a m/c or repeated m/c and not know why....but did these people did not have the same experience. There should be a board on the nest just for stillborns, not pregnancy loss.
It's also a shame that there is not more awareness in our society for this kind of tragic event. Does anyone care that it is Infant Loss awareness day on oct 15? prob since not that many people want to be aware of it- or is it because there haven't been any celebs that it happened to. Only in America.
Posted by gigi_rafaelFiled under: stillborn loss [Edit Tags]
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Monday, September 17, 2007
chocolate equals zoloft
It's monday and of course I woke up in wandering mind mode. I didn't stay in it for too long like I usually do. Wandering mind mode is the "what if's", "what happened" and "why?". This can make one go insane. But since I have yet to hear from my doctor it is driving me insane.
I made my way out of the house on Sunday even though I could have easily stayed in- again. I realize that its not good for me and not fair to dh. Yes, we are both greiving but I think dads sometimes get left behind in baby loss situations like this. Often, people end up getting divorced...IT should be the opposite, this is a time in the marriage when you really have to support each other and consider their feelings too. It's hardest for us that we not only carried the baby for months but had a connection that a man could never understand. Everyone greives differently, but I think when we get all of the attention from people, men sometimes withdraw. Also, this "strong, boys don't cry" expected role doesn't help.
Dh has been wonderful all along. Sometimes he seems depressed, and others he's trying to get life to where it was before the pregnancy. We met some friends for drinks yesterday and it was at a pool deck where there was a family with small children. He saw me looking at them and encouraged me that we are going to try again, and we WILL have our family. I thought it was very sweet and determined. Like I said before, there is no animosity towards other people with healthy children...there is admiration. I could say why me.....but that will never manifest anything.
This week I would like to look into a supprt group or some counseling. I've gone back and forth, just because I don't want to join a pity party. I want to meet other people who may be going through the same kind of pain, but are working towards getting through it. I've debated on meds but I think they make me feel worse. What is more depressing than side effects that include weight gain, sexual dysfunction, and lost ability to cry when needed. What an emotional band aid. Not to sound like Tom Cruise- if it helped some, then it is worth it. Everyday is self work...without Zoloft.
1- get out of the house even if i dont want to.
2- if i feel that a glass of wine or two is going to help, I will have it.
3- exercise, exercise, and more exercise.
4- go outside and sit in the sun at least a few min every day.
5- laugh at one thing
6- think of one person at least who has overcome tragedy or beat the odds in some way.
7- yoga breathing
8- dont watch or read the news
9-eat healthy- fish, veggies, fruit, lemon & water, or cereal
10- listen to some upbeat, happy music
***chocolate, dark always helps.
I made my way out of the house on Sunday even though I could have easily stayed in- again. I realize that its not good for me and not fair to dh. Yes, we are both greiving but I think dads sometimes get left behind in baby loss situations like this. Often, people end up getting divorced...IT should be the opposite, this is a time in the marriage when you really have to support each other and consider their feelings too. It's hardest for us that we not only carried the baby for months but had a connection that a man could never understand. Everyone greives differently, but I think when we get all of the attention from people, men sometimes withdraw. Also, this "strong, boys don't cry" expected role doesn't help.
Dh has been wonderful all along. Sometimes he seems depressed, and others he's trying to get life to where it was before the pregnancy. We met some friends for drinks yesterday and it was at a pool deck where there was a family with small children. He saw me looking at them and encouraged me that we are going to try again, and we WILL have our family. I thought it was very sweet and determined. Like I said before, there is no animosity towards other people with healthy children...there is admiration. I could say why me.....but that will never manifest anything.
This week I would like to look into a supprt group or some counseling. I've gone back and forth, just because I don't want to join a pity party. I want to meet other people who may be going through the same kind of pain, but are working towards getting through it. I've debated on meds but I think they make me feel worse. What is more depressing than side effects that include weight gain, sexual dysfunction, and lost ability to cry when needed. What an emotional band aid. Not to sound like Tom Cruise- if it helped some, then it is worth it. Everyday is self work...without Zoloft.
1- get out of the house even if i dont want to.
2- if i feel that a glass of wine or two is going to help, I will have it.
3- exercise, exercise, and more exercise.
4- go outside and sit in the sun at least a few min every day.
5- laugh at one thing
6- think of one person at least who has overcome tragedy or beat the odds in some way.
7- yoga breathing
8- dont watch or read the news
9-eat healthy- fish, veggies, fruit, lemon & water, or cereal
10- listen to some upbeat, happy music
***chocolate, dark always helps.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
baby envy
Getting through the loss of this baby has taught me so many things. Even though there are times when I feel I am losing it, get angry, emotional, self blame and all of the stages...I realze that she was a light of my life to bring my awareness to my own feelings.
There is nothing to be taken for granted. Life is precious and can be ceased at any moment without notice. We must be greatful for small blessings we are granted. Yes, I get angry with God at times, but what does that do?
I'm very disturbed by a post I read in another support group by an angry mother who had a similiar experience with stillbith as I had. She's angry, she hates others with babies, and cannot get pregnant again. (although she does have 3 other children). This may be a natural reaction, I'm sure there are people out there who feel this bitterness. But it is this bitterness and anger that is often sabotaging their efforts to conceive again.
I believe in the works of Lousie Hay and Wayne Dyer- we manifest our physical problems with our thoughts- whether subconcious or not. Not to say that m/c and stillbirths are caused on our own. But often, there is some deep emotional issue that we have yet to resolve in our lives. We may not even be aware of it.
In order to have a healthy body, we've got to have a healthy mind. If there's one thing I learned in all of this- it's not to complain and be thankful. If I am ever granted the blessing of another pregnancy I will take care to endure every ache, pain and puke with my heart. And when I see others with babies- my wish for them is that they appreciate and love the child.
Even though I feel like some days I am in a living hell, I relaize that I am further creating that hell by negative emotions. IT's easiest to bottle them up and put on the shelf, but then how would I ever move on>
There is nothing to be taken for granted. Life is precious and can be ceased at any moment without notice. We must be greatful for small blessings we are granted. Yes, I get angry with God at times, but what does that do?
I'm very disturbed by a post I read in another support group by an angry mother who had a similiar experience with stillbith as I had. She's angry, she hates others with babies, and cannot get pregnant again. (although she does have 3 other children). This may be a natural reaction, I'm sure there are people out there who feel this bitterness. But it is this bitterness and anger that is often sabotaging their efforts to conceive again.
I believe in the works of Lousie Hay and Wayne Dyer- we manifest our physical problems with our thoughts- whether subconcious or not. Not to say that m/c and stillbirths are caused on our own. But often, there is some deep emotional issue that we have yet to resolve in our lives. We may not even be aware of it.
In order to have a healthy body, we've got to have a healthy mind. If there's one thing I learned in all of this- it's not to complain and be thankful. If I am ever granted the blessing of another pregnancy I will take care to endure every ache, pain and puke with my heart. And when I see others with babies- my wish for them is that they appreciate and love the child.
Even though I feel like some days I am in a living hell, I relaize that I am further creating that hell by negative emotions. IT's easiest to bottle them up and put on the shelf, but then how would I ever move on>
Friday, September 14, 2007
The baby that passed away
I had to tell someone today that the baby passed away. It was really difficult. Telling people over the phone is so different than in person. They look at me with eyes of compassion but I am clearly in and out of a comatose fog. I'm trying to relive life as normal, yet I am walking around with this sick hole of emptiness inside of me.It's impossible to ignore a brokenheart. Little things that I before took for granted are suddenly huge, yet the big things don't matter. In an indirect way I am avoiding going to places where I might have to explain where is that baby girl that was living inside of me?
hole in my soul
hole in my soul
numb to my name
its all fucking surreal
this empty hole
that i can feel
tears travels deep
within my veins
past the physical pain
in the dark
quiet still
did i listen
drowning
a sea of emotions
empty womb
broken heart
scattered in a million
tiny pieces
like broken glass
my life is before me
picking them up one
day by day
numb to my name
its all fucking surreal
this empty hole
that i can feel
tears travels deep
within my veins
past the physical pain
in the dark
quiet still
did i listen
drowning
a sea of emotions
empty womb
broken heart
scattered in a million
tiny pieces
like broken glass
my life is before me
picking them up one
day by day
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
dreft....
It's sept 11, I woke up to check if anything was blown up- isn't that bizarre? I think of people I knew who lost their families, children, on this day 6 yrs ago. I cannot imagine how horrible it must be for them...and to have this paranoia of it all happening again.
Today is my first day by myself. I still have to wait a few weeks before going back to work, and I'm not sure how yet. I'm still in that avoidance period- don't want to be asked by clients about the baby or explain to new ones that the remaining "baby bump" is from a baby that is no longer with us. I had to go through this the other day when my mom took me for a pedicure. This is my motivation for getting back into shape quickly- although I am afraid to over do it.
The Dreft- since my grandmother went back home, I've kinda let the laundry kind of pile up with the attitude that I will get to it when I feel like it. Then I realize I'm out of regular detergent and all we have is Dreft. A few weeks ago I was washing baby clothes with this and the smell of it made her more real to me. Now it makes me sick.
Today is my first day by myself. I still have to wait a few weeks before going back to work, and I'm not sure how yet. I'm still in that avoidance period- don't want to be asked by clients about the baby or explain to new ones that the remaining "baby bump" is from a baby that is no longer with us. I had to go through this the other day when my mom took me for a pedicure. This is my motivation for getting back into shape quickly- although I am afraid to over do it.
The Dreft- since my grandmother went back home, I've kinda let the laundry kind of pile up with the attitude that I will get to it when I feel like it. Then I realize I'm out of regular detergent and all we have is Dreft. A few weeks ago I was washing baby clothes with this and the smell of it made her more real to me. Now it makes me sick.
Emotions du jour
ok here goes my sarcasm:
I'm sailing through all the wonderful torturous stages of grief- today on the menu is anger. i don't know where this came from. since the day Julia died, I promised myself I would not get angry- at myself, God, my doctor, dh....but somewhere this evil emotion has crept into my soul and I'm pissed. They say this is a healthy emotion to express and not to hide. But let's face it- anger is toxic and when I am angry I feel toxic..so I'm leting the toxins flow out-
yesterday I was angry at the 40ish pregnant woman in line behind me at the bank who smelled like an ashtray, to the couple who are suspected of murdering their little girl,- why did they leave her alone in the first place?, the woman who left her 2 yrd old to die in the car as she brought in donuts to her coworkers, the guy who cut in front of me in line at sweet tomatoes,I get mad when I look at my flabby, fleshy body in the mirror..esp my belly that I still have a linea negra.
I could go on and on- how ridiculous it all sounds but my emotions are like a runaway train and I feel like I don't know myself. At times I am strong like a rock and have more strength than I ever knew. While other times I fall into pieces without warning. It's like an emotional timebomb is going on inside of me...I guess this is post partum depression in full force. This is yet another cruel nature women must endure. Only it would not be so debilitating if there was a baby in the cradle.
I'm sailing through all the wonderful torturous stages of grief- today on the menu is anger. i don't know where this came from. since the day Julia died, I promised myself I would not get angry- at myself, God, my doctor, dh....but somewhere this evil emotion has crept into my soul and I'm pissed. They say this is a healthy emotion to express and not to hide. But let's face it- anger is toxic and when I am angry I feel toxic..so I'm leting the toxins flow out-
yesterday I was angry at the 40ish pregnant woman in line behind me at the bank who smelled like an ashtray, to the couple who are suspected of murdering their little girl,- why did they leave her alone in the first place?, the woman who left her 2 yrd old to die in the car as she brought in donuts to her coworkers, the guy who cut in front of me in line at sweet tomatoes,I get mad when I look at my flabby, fleshy body in the mirror..esp my belly that I still have a linea negra.
I could go on and on- how ridiculous it all sounds but my emotions are like a runaway train and I feel like I don't know myself. At times I am strong like a rock and have more strength than I ever knew. While other times I fall into pieces without warning. It's like an emotional timebomb is going on inside of me...I guess this is post partum depression in full force. This is yet another cruel nature women must endure. Only it would not be so debilitating if there was a baby in the cradle.
today (WAS) d day
9/07/07....it's been hard to think about it but today is the day Julia was expected. the last day of my pregnancy, Brasil's Independence day, and for me the most anticipated day of 2007. Like everyday, I begin and end in tears, hoping that time will speed up and relieve me of this unbearable emptiness, loss and powerlessness. I made it through the day with more strength than I have this far..even when someone asked about my pregnancy not knowing only that my uterus is empty, but that there was a baby and she past away...before I could have a chance to really be her mother. This could be considered, or I can not accept that I was robbed of being her mother. Julia was a white light, too good for this cruel world, designed to guide us through a journey. even though she was once a seed, then a blossoming butterfly that transended beyond..she was life that changed mine and Rafael's for if not for only nine months but a lifetime
POST-PART-UM
IT's been one week since the delivery. Memorys of pregnant moments fill my mind with a happy nostalgia and my belly with phatom flutters. even after they told me the horrific news that my Julia was lifeless inside of me I somehow felt the falsified kicks. I imagined her little body floating in my belly.
Now one week later, I am beginning to look less pregnant and just feel soft and flabby. My whole being feels empty, soft, fleshy..I joked that I felt like the Michelin woman the whole last trimester, now I truly am a marshmallow. I am SO looking forward to getting back into the gym. Just to sweat out all of the toxins of pain medicine, epidural and antianxiety drugs that have flooded my veins in the past week. I imagine my liver protesting another tylenol pm. my breasts have become like rocks and they tell me cabbage leaves are the best cure to dry up the milk? it's unbelievable that we have meds for erectile dysfunction all over tv but there is nothing to relieve greiving childless mothers from the pain of having painful breasts full of milk. Priorities in the medical field are totally geared towards men.
People have sent flowers, cards and call my parents to express their condolences. Often, they don't even try to call me because they do not know what to say. I totally understand....that's why the title is post part um.....
Now one week later, I am beginning to look less pregnant and just feel soft and flabby. My whole being feels empty, soft, fleshy..I joked that I felt like the Michelin woman the whole last trimester, now I truly am a marshmallow. I am SO looking forward to getting back into the gym. Just to sweat out all of the toxins of pain medicine, epidural and antianxiety drugs that have flooded my veins in the past week. I imagine my liver protesting another tylenol pm. my breasts have become like rocks and they tell me cabbage leaves are the best cure to dry up the milk? it's unbelievable that we have meds for erectile dysfunction all over tv but there is nothing to relieve greiving childless mothers from the pain of having painful breasts full of milk. Priorities in the medical field are totally geared towards men.
People have sent flowers, cards and call my parents to express their condolences. Often, they don't even try to call me because they do not know what to say. I totally understand....that's why the title is post part um.....
Surviving repost from 9/4/07
Everyday is a step towards healing..but it's so damn hard. My breastmilk is another reminder of the baby that I don't have. Pain is nothing to me anymore, because what I am feeling inside is what kills me. And much worse, dh is depressed to and I feel like I am no help to him. Through all of this, he has been so strong. It makes no sense to hate God, but we are both asking why,,,we are good people?
Empty nest
It's been 4 days since I've been on this emotional rollercoaster of loss and heartbreak. To everyone on the outside I am a strong woman, but sometimes on the inside I am breaking down. I posted comfortably numb on myspace page because i am still in this zoned out state of shock. Sometimes I am optimistic and sometimes I feel empty inside- one week ago an energy of life was inside of my growing like a flower, and now my body is struggling to regain strength.
Physically, I feel as if I was in a war. I have yet to see my episiotomy stiches, walking, sittting is painful and today my milk is about to come in. All of the cramping and physical symptoms will go away- but the flashbacks of my struggles of labor & delivery will not. Sometimes they flash into my mind I could still feel the yanking and tugging of the dr trying to release my lifeless baby from my body. It is a sensation that I will take with me to the grave.
People have been wonderful. They don't know what to say. Yes, I know she was an angel, yes I know she is in heaven, All the family and friends cannot do enough for me.I had asked my family to leave Julia's room as it is- there will be another baby...and that will be her or his room. Seeing baby things is not bothering me- it's just the feeling of having one inside all this time and only to lose her 9 days before.
DH is the best man on earth. He has constantly taken care of me every minute. I am so lucky to have him. I just worry about him at times becasue he is so strong for me, but sometimes he needs to break down too. He keeps encouraging me that we will try once again.....
Physically, I feel as if I was in a war. I have yet to see my episiotomy stiches, walking, sittting is painful and today my milk is about to come in. All of the cramping and physical symptoms will go away- but the flashbacks of my struggles of labor & delivery will not. Sometimes they flash into my mind I could still feel the yanking and tugging of the dr trying to release my lifeless baby from my body. It is a sensation that I will take with me to the grave.
People have been wonderful. They don't know what to say. Yes, I know she was an angel, yes I know she is in heaven, All the family and friends cannot do enough for me.I had asked my family to leave Julia's room as it is- there will be another baby...and that will be her or his room. Seeing baby things is not bothering me- it's just the feeling of having one inside all this time and only to lose her 9 days before.
DH is the best man on earth. He has constantly taken care of me every minute. I am so lucky to have him. I just worry about him at times becasue he is so strong for me, but sometimes he needs to break down too. He keeps encouraging me that we will try once again.....
my unbirth story
Repost from a few wks ago....
Only 3 days ago, I was happily posting on the boards to eagerly countdown the days until my delivery date of 9/7. Although I complained about the ups and downs of feeling huge in my bloated body of a summer pregancy, I was sure of one thing- the end was near and the result was going to be a beautiful baby girl. But little did I know that life changes in an instant...At my 39 wk appt, it was a day like no other, until my dr couldn't find the heartbeat. I remember watching the wall thinking it's just the stupid doppler. So he sends me to the hospital for an u/s and when i saw my husbands face drop, I knew the results- a flat line. For the next several hours we were going back and forth in emotional disbelief about what was really about to happen to us. I was informed of my babys death and that I would have to deliver her. By 6 pm, I was getting an epidural for a process I was anxious over to begin with- but this time there was no reward for the pain. I had planned on a natural birth- but in this case I asked for all the drugs I could possibly take. By 7pm, my water was broken and I spent the next 12 hrs in labor holding on for dear life. dh is my rock and greatest support system, he stayed by my side during the entire night. by 6 am the contractions were on strong and in came my dr to get things started. the nurses from the night shift were so supportive they stayed until their shift was over since i was so distressed that i made it even more difficult to get the pushing thing down. for the next horrific 2 hours of my life i pushed with all my might and out came the most beautiful chubby but lifeless little babygirl. i tried to keep my eyes closed but it was impossible and that image was forever burned in my brain.i told the staff before hand that dh and i could not handle holding or touching her. my heart came out of my body along with her. it all feels like a bad dream...sometimes i am strong and others i fall apart. i know we will try again but there is no feeling like this. for those of you out there who have had the beauty of life inside for 9 mos and plan your whole life for this child only to lose her in the end...the physical pain becomes part of the mental and healing is only one day at a time.
Only 3 days ago, I was happily posting on the boards to eagerly countdown the days until my delivery date of 9/7. Although I complained about the ups and downs of feeling huge in my bloated body of a summer pregancy, I was sure of one thing- the end was near and the result was going to be a beautiful baby girl. But little did I know that life changes in an instant...At my 39 wk appt, it was a day like no other, until my dr couldn't find the heartbeat. I remember watching the wall thinking it's just the stupid doppler. So he sends me to the hospital for an u/s and when i saw my husbands face drop, I knew the results- a flat line. For the next several hours we were going back and forth in emotional disbelief about what was really about to happen to us. I was informed of my babys death and that I would have to deliver her. By 6 pm, I was getting an epidural for a process I was anxious over to begin with- but this time there was no reward for the pain. I had planned on a natural birth- but in this case I asked for all the drugs I could possibly take. By 7pm, my water was broken and I spent the next 12 hrs in labor holding on for dear life. dh is my rock and greatest support system, he stayed by my side during the entire night. by 6 am the contractions were on strong and in came my dr to get things started. the nurses from the night shift were so supportive they stayed until their shift was over since i was so distressed that i made it even more difficult to get the pushing thing down. for the next horrific 2 hours of my life i pushed with all my might and out came the most beautiful chubby but lifeless little babygirl. i tried to keep my eyes closed but it was impossible and that image was forever burned in my brain.i told the staff before hand that dh and i could not handle holding or touching her. my heart came out of my body along with her. it all feels like a bad dream...sometimes i am strong and others i fall apart. i know we will try again but there is no feeling like this. for those of you out there who have had the beauty of life inside for 9 mos and plan your whole life for this child only to lose her in the end...the physical pain becomes part of the mental and healing is only one day at a time.
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