my unbirth story

Repost from a few wks ago....

Only 3 days ago, I was happily posting on the boards to eagerly countdown the days until my delivery date of 9/7. Although I complained about the ups and downs of feeling huge in my bloated body of a summer pregancy, I was sure of one thing- the end was near and the result was going to be a beautiful baby girl. But little did I know that life changes in an instant...At my 39 wk appt, it was a day like no other, until my dr couldn't find the heartbeat. I remember watching the wall thinking it's just the stupid doppler. So he sends me to the hospital for an u/s and when i saw my husbands face drop, I knew the results- a flat line. For the next several hours we were going back and forth in emotional disbelief about what was really about to happen to us. I was informed of my babys death and that I would have to deliver her. By 6 pm, I was getting an epidural for a process I was anxious over to begin with- but this time there was no reward for the pain. I had planned on a natural birth- but in this case I asked for all the drugs I could possibly take. By 7pm, my water was broken and I spent the next 12 hrs in labor holding on for dear life. dh is my rock and greatest support system, he stayed by my side during the entire night. by 6 am the contractions were on strong and in came my dr to get things started. the nurses from the night shift were so supportive they stayed until their shift was over since i was so distressed that i made it even more difficult to get the pushing thing down. for the next horrific 2 hours of my life i pushed with all my might and out came the most beautiful chubby but lifeless little babygirl. i tried to keep my eyes closed but it was impossible and that image was forever burned in my brain.i told the staff before hand that dh and i could not handle holding or touching her. my heart came out of my body along with her. it all feels like a bad dream...sometimes i am strong and others i fall apart. i know we will try again but there is no feeling like this. for those of you out there who have had the beauty of life inside for 9 mos and plan your whole life for this child only to lose her in the end...the physical pain becomes part of the mental and healing is only one day at a time.