The crap lottery

n the past year since I have overcome my loss there have been good days and bad days. I had to learn to take one day at a time to maintain my sanity. I've had to overlook thoughtless comments from people, consider their inconsideration, and accept many physical changes in my body that are permanent.
Without thinking about it, I've come to realize that the 30th is the most difficult day of the month. I have nightmares, weird pains as if I'm experiencing labor all over again and not to mention sadness. When I feel like I no longer bear the sadness, I realize the suffering in other people. While I've always been empathetic- I can feel others pain at times, my work gives the opportunity to meet many courageous people. People who have endured suffering like we cannot imagine.

Some have been born with disabling conditions, some have been victims of crimes, tragedies and survivors of deadly accidents. One I know was run over by an old woman and was pronounced dead on the scene. After several brain surgeries, breaking nearly every bone in his body, he learned how to walk again after years. Today he is promoting his own juice tonics at whole foods. He is a positive person and doesn't seem to express anger or resentment- he has forgiven and let go of negative emotions. He is grateful to be alive- and as a result of his gratituity to spirit (or whatever you want to believe in) he is successful.

The same goes for a screenwriter who left a positive impression on me about my writing. Many of this guy's movies that we all have seen (but I cannot name due to confidentiality). He expressed a lot of pain he experienced in his life from a terminal illness at a young age- and then lost the love of his life in a car accident- all this suffering he poured into his movies. Those movies are stories that reach out to others that really came from someone's heart.
I can go on and on with examples. In the midst of a fucked up world, miracles are all around us. We just need to see them in the smallest things. Thank some higher power that put us here in the first place for our food, our air, our shelter. That gratitude will continue on to another kind of blessing. To take it all for granted is to win the crap lottery.

walking around with pockets of grief.

no one can understand the depth of emotion associated with a loss, unless they've experienced one themselves. it's easy to get cynical, to be angry. to ask why, often pointed at the sky. it's especially challenging when people around you begin to lose their faith. one begins to wonder, if there is a god then why does he allow bad things to happen? in my belief, god or spirit doesn't "allow" bad things to happen to us, we have some kind of connection with previous lifetimes.
sometimes i wonder what his plan is for me. in many ways i am blessed- i am married to a wonderful human being whom i adore, i've had hard working parents who have always loved and supported me.

the day my angel got her wings

Today my daughter would have been celebrating her first birthday. Instead, we are going to a wedding in Ga. While they are close friends of the family, they don't know that it is today. But we go to the wedding, with no one knowing how difficult it was to hold my head up high and just work through it.
Since the wedding was in the evening, Rafa wanted to go to stone mtn, ga. on the way. The last time we visited there I was around 6 mos pregnant with Julia. As crazy as it sounds, I did the hike with many breaks to rest. Everytime I stopped I would become more inspired to continue as I saw 2 other pregnant girls who were even more far along than I was. If they could do it, I could. And one day, I was going to tell my girl all about that crazy trip and how I made it to the top.
This time I did the same trek to the top, but without a pregnant belly. I did fine all day with a few times mentioning her memory in the car on the drive up. At some point during the hike I felt an overwhelming wave of grief, pain, anger, and guilt. Was I fucking crazy to climb this while I was pregnant? No wonder I lost her. I did too much, pushed myself too far. I didn't say this to Rafa, but it was the self abusing thoughts that often happen in the minds of mothers who lost their babies this way.
I sat down on a rock and the tears just flowed. As I looked out into the blue skyline I asked "why?" I could not contain myself from just stopping and letting it all out. People passing by could see me crying, probably thinking I'm wimping out on the rest of the hike. Not that I care what people think, it's the last thing on my mind.
Then the anger set in. While I know I must allow myself to grieve, here I am sitting on a rock crying. I had more steps to take. More stones to cross. I have to keep moving and not be victimized by my loss. I make the choice to stand up and finish the hike, as grueling as it was. With each step, I focused on my breathing. Like the days of my life, I must take them one at a time...stopping when I needed to, but keep rebuilding my strength.

When I arrive at the top I felt stronger in some ways but still broken in others. I walk into the restroom area to see many mothers there with children. It's unbelievably cruel how many babies I saw around the age that Julia would have been- at a mountain top! My huge dark glasses remain on and I get out of there as soon as possible.
On the way back down, my husband feels bad that he took me to a place that triggered a memory of pregnancy. I assured him that it was not his fault. Either way, I knew the day was coming that it will be one year that we went thru this nightmare of losing her.
We both have been each others greatest supporters. We may not be on the same stages at times, but this is what it does to couples. Many times, we don't want to upset each other so we don't see the other's tears. It would be only later that one of us would admit- yes, I thought of her today and I cried.
That is when it is time to consider each other's feelings and become selfless. Comfort the suffering heart of another, that is one of the reasons I am here on this earth. Everyday I stop to empathize with the suffering of others. As painful as our loss was, I keep in my heart others who have endured worse.

rainy days and fridays

the morning she was born it was raining. i remember looking out the hospital window at the rain falling. the sky was crying and i wondered if i would ever be able to live my life normally. it was such a surreal situation, a raw agonizing pain that will always be with me.

months have passed. days go by. but when one carries the burden of grief, there is no holiday. i wake up in the morning on some days and it's the very first thing on my mind...my baby is not with me. where is she? why did this happen to me?

seeing other babies or pregnant women does not make me jealous or mad but sad that she is not with me. i only get angry when i see stupid people abuse or neglect their children. the most heart wrenching feeling in the world is to lose a child.It is a part of your soul that is torn and it feels impossible to get it back.

angel baby

it's my bday and i'll cry if i want 2

Today I'm one year older. I'm not exactly thrilled that it's my birthday since one year ago today I tested and discovered at 31 I was going to have our first baby. It was the best birthday, just a quiet romantic dinner at Salt Island with my love. I remember feeling like I was on a cloud, all I could imagine or talk about was what the next 9 mos- and my life was going to be like. It was a tremendous awakening. If only I knew, one year later, instead of picking up toys, it's the pieces of my life.
Now at 32 in years, but more like 72 physically and mentally. I have no idea when or how I will ever be able to make it through another pregnancy. I often tell others that I will try again but I don't know if that is to comfort them or myself. I know deep down I am a warrior, but fear sometimes takes over. Even a photo of myself as a baby is disturbing to look at since my baby was a clone of me. She looked like her dad in some ways too, but judging from my first photo after birth, the resemblance is undeniable.
My plans for today are to do absolutely nothing...play some beautiful music, stay warm and drink some good wine while i wear my rose tinted sunglasses. Retail therapy is also a possibility. Although I always seem to buy funky ridiculous things (like a leopard cap, zebra boots, fun hairpieces, etc) that I will never wear but keep for years. Then I look back and wonder what the hell i was thinking when I bought this? oh yea, it was my birthday.
The weight loss has been going well...but chocolate is in the plan for today for sure.

i had a baby, not a complication

For any of you who happen to read my blogs about health care and insurance companies excuse my vent, because here is one more day that I have to relive the memory of gving birth to my stillborn baby.
I must first explain that while I have insurance (I pay through the nose for as self employed) I had to apply for assistance due to the fact that the maternity plan will cover all but my delivery. Here in Florida, a seperate policy is required for maternity benefits. If the pregancy is a surprise, good luck getting them to pay anything before 6 mos or one year. Something I think is a total injustice to women- no one should be penalized for being pregnant. (i'd have better coverage if i was 15 and unmarried!)
Today my insurance company called me about my doctor resubmiting claims to get paid for the delivery. The office manager knows that the remainder of the bill was 100% covered by the state plan since they did pay the hospital bill in full. The dr office is trying to send the claim as a "complication" of pregnancy. If they do that I will be responsible for $3k of the bill. He will get more money- I was told he's been paid over 1200 $ already.
I expressed my situtation to the agent- Julia was a healthy baby. There was no reason for her death other than the doctor making me wait to deliver. I whole heartedly believed she needed to come out at 38 1/2 wks. I was overblown with amniotic fluid and felt really bad the last 2 wks.The baby even moved in ways that seemed awkward to me (but what do i know- it's only my body) My complaints were dismissed as typical discomforts of pregnancy.
Up until now I have peacefully (and painfully) processed my grief for my loss. Now, I cannot help but get angry.