Life decisions...

Today we went to the fetal maternal specialist. It turns out my bloodwork was clear. There is not a blood clotting problem as earlier speculated. Prayers were answered and some kind of miracle happened. I could swear that they found at least one gene present for this before. For almost two years I have been in fear of having something wrong. Now, in my head I can eliminate a genetic cause out of 199 other probable reasons for losing Julia.
There really has not been much peace in my head. IT is so hard not knowing why something like this happens. MAybe I'm dwelling- but WHY and HOW is just the nature of how I think. This was my problem being a nurse. I can't just push meds in people all the time, treating people like guinea pigs when time and money in our healthcare system often do not coincide with finding out why. Digging to the bottom of the barrel until there is some kind of an answer.
My dr. has been great in considering my psychological state as this pregnancy progresses. I only wish they were all like that...even my regular oB. He is ok, just a different personality. The specialist today recommended some interventions that would lead to a month early induction. In  one month I would begin a series of two steroid shots to ensure the baby's lung maturity in order to do an early induction. Days before the induction I would also be getting an amnio done. I hate the thought of this. I know there is a risk involved and I don't like the invasion of my baby's security by a 6 inch needle. I don't care how common it is, and how quick it is, hokey folks like me see it as an energetic threat. In some cases, babies move away from the needle during this procedure, and even motioned to attack the needle. Sounds crazy but i believe it.
There is still time for me to consider what I feel is right in my heart and I am totally torn. Deep down, I don't like the idea of interrupting a natural process.  Do I take a chance and just wait until I am further along that everything will be fine? My body failed me last time.
Do I trust and follow the advice of both docs, with blind faith that all of these extra interventions work out and deliver early?  Will it save my sanity? I have one month of racking my brain....



The sooner I have my little beanie with us the better, but I don't want to rush him.

a decade of change

This new year it is amazing to think about it being the turn of another decade. The new millenium or 00's (what do we call it anyway?) was really a time of change. When I think back of how quickly it all went down, 9/11, texting, a new president, GpS, Wii fit....all the things that change the way we live. Somethings changed the world and how we live in it. Without negativity, it does feel like a more cautious world than ever before. We were all more nieve in the 90's and children in the 80's.
And in my own life major transformations made me who I am today. In this decade I started out with a bold move to Orlando to follow my dream of a career as a massage therapist. I broke away from a path that did not make me happy. The future was promising and career stable, but I knew deep within that there was something else, somewhere else (and very likely someone else) This move led me to the place where I met the man I would marry. And like me, he found himself living in this city where he was led by some twist of fate. I learned so much from him, and that I could only be happy if we built our life together. He is an amazing spirit that has not only made me want to be the best I can be, he's made me believe in myself and any dream is possible.
this whole millenium may have started rough, I have lost parts of myself but found new ones. People have come and gone. Loved ones have passed, but the most painful years have produced a new skin. The capacity to survive has expanded boundaries and continues to.

Dreams of rainbows

Everyday is different. Emotions are up and down. And yet, each day is the same worry and concern that I try to turn around in my mind. It's a struggle sometimes. I feel the little bean kick and press down on my bladder. I suddenly feel relief. If I make it through this pregnancy sane it will truly be a miracle.
People try to be supportive but there is no way anyone can feel the isolation and lonliness I am experiencing. I don't want to hear things like "enjoy this pregnancy". Enjoy it:? I wish I could without worrying that my body is reacting like a time bomb. I want the remote control Adam Sandler had in the movie "click", just fast forward me to the point of holding this baby in my arms, where he is here, safely.
It is not that I don't trust in my body or the process. The experience of a late term loss is an innocence shattering event. Focusing on rainbows and puppies is a grand illusion. Baby showers and future plans seem like taboo, a concept no one can seem to understand.
Especially when medical science, in all of it's wisdom has no answers for you. Doctors will throw statistics and the encouraging "we see this all the time" lines. All the while some of us long for a healthcare practitioner to have an ounce of sympathy and on some level ask how we are, rather than treat us as medical train wrecks.
I've even had a female doctor, someone with a uterus, tell me it was "harder for them than it is for us, believe it or not". Really? Was she still thinking of her patient's loss years later? Did she wonder what they looked like on their 2nd birthday? I doubt it. By then she won't remember their name.

Even though I was told my heart monitor was not good enough, I am still able to check the baby's heartbeat daily. I admit it, I have HR OCD, a condition I am sure will intensify as I get closer to my due date.
I don't like to share my cautionary tale with others at times, but I want moms to be to be aware of their bodies- what feels like its abnormal to us may conflict with what "they" tell us. Even though I was once part of the medical team, I am now a hokey mind/body medicine freak/ massage therapist. I teach people that healing is within them and I believe it...somewhat. I know that if I listened to my body my daughter would be here today. Instead I am chasing rainbows and riding on intuition.

It's a .....

The morning of the "big" ultrasound with the maternal fetal specialist. As I sit in the waiting room, it's not only one of the biggest moments of my pregnancy, but my life. I'm a bundle of nerves. A mix of emotions in a packed to the fullest room of expectant moms and screaming toddlers. I'm guessing everyone here is in some kind of high risk situaiton. I wonder how many of these women can relate to the anxiety and anticipation that runs through my veins. A beautiful little toddler with pigtails smiled at me enthusiatically, all I could do was smile back. I did not want to be rude but I hardly could manage any kind of conversation or even read a magazine. I leafed through a few but words and pictures were a blur. Rafael graciously gave up his seat next to me for another mom to be. He moved to a corner where he seemed to distract himself with a motorcycle magazine. I knew he was feeling the same agony as we waited to be called.
Finally a nurse called us back and we got right to the ultrasound room. Then came all the painful questions about pregnancy history, even though she had my records and I had been there before. It would be great if people took the time to read them.
Then the ultrasound. To our surprise and what was confirmed before my sight was a boy! I looked over at rafael as he said "I told you", and our eyes met with tears of joy. He excused himself to the nurse as he reached over to hug me.
There is no feeling in the world like those moments of seeing the baby on screen, and hearing that all those images of his organs and little limbs appeared to be healthy. From that moment we built on hope and anticipation. But it also builds on a journey that is somewhat fragile.

The little jumping bean

Today was the day that this new pregnancy all became real. He or She made their debut on the ultrasound screen. It was an amazing experience. The tiny formations of arms and legs, waving around and vigorously moving to let me know it's presence. To think how technology can show us the life inside is amazing. Today was a beautiful day, to confirm a miracle is growing within. My journey officially begins.

worry wart

I've gained some extra weight thanks to a bad habit...no, not the bags of fun size chocolate that has me addicted. But the juice I consume when I think the baby is not moving enough. I've always stayed away from fruit juices except for in moderation since just a few glasses can add a whopping 1000 calories a day. I can't help that I am paranoid about movement. Rafa and I listen to the baby's hb every night with the doppler. Still, I get paranoid about the kicking. I expect this child to kick my ass all the way until he comes out screaming. I cannot escape my fears of the sudden absence of life within me. Everyday I work on staying strong and not driving myself crazy...I just want to make it to the finish line this time without the earth shattering disappointment of a loss.

the girl in the plastic bubble

It's a new day, a time for change and refresh the mood of this blog for a bit. After the big fat positive it is time to move on to the beat of a new drum. I miss my daughter every day, I will always wonder what she would be like at this stage of her life, what she would look like and what happened to her. As difficult as this new unknown road may seem, I must accept with blind faith that all will prevail and everything will go exactly as planned.
Once again I have given up martinis, hot tubs, swimming in the ocean, sushi, rollercoasters, and all the potentially harmful stuff I did last time. It seems like worthwhile sacrifices if it is going to result in a happy healthy baby. Yes I did feel cheated last time. I did everything I could and made it to the finish line only to lose so badly.
Other people are happy for us, yet some are fearful. Obviously, I can't live my life in a bubble but sometimes I wish I could. I could save my baby from all the chemicals, additives, sickness, swine flu, etc.
All I could do is make the best choices possible and believe in my spiritual nature.