How does grief alter when you are a new parent after a loss? Everyday I look at my son and thank god to have such a beautiful, healthy child that melts my heart.
1.There is guilt. Guilt for the feeling of replacing your deceased child. Of course there is no replacement. Julia was a girl, a different energy, personality. There is guilt for times of mourning when you don't want to upset a toddler or small child. It's time to "put on your game face" and put your emotions in your pocket. Someday, I will tell him about his sister.
2. You begin to realize your're not alone and it was most likely not your fault, even though you may not still believe it.
3. You may be an overprotective parent. You want nothing to happen to them and as long as you can control them at this age you will do whatever possible to shield them from getting hurt, being sad, etc
4.
Your loss may have changed the way in which you live your life. For me, there is nothing in the world as valuable to me as my family. I could care less about material things, money, and any kind of desire that is going to distract me from what I have. I find pleasure in the simple things and of course every moment I can spend with my son.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
The snowball effect
I didn't expect this week to be so difficult. Out of nowhere it all hit me. In less than one month I will be going in for an amnio and then if all goes well childbirth. I just want this baby to come out screaming, healthy and alive. I'm anxious as hell,yet I'm trying to prepare myself as best I can. The emotions come up every now and then.
I made it past the new baby's room. It's blue and beautiful. I packed away all of Julia's little pink things and kept all of the neutral baby items aside for Michael. Then I found the diaper bag that was supposed to come with us to the hospital. I found diapers and all of the little prospective coming home outfits. Of course, it was difficult to see those.
My next obstacle has been whether or not to allow my friends to throw a baby shower. While I mostly have the big items I need, it's just little things like bottles, blankets, and boys clothes I have yet to buy. Of course, the idea of a baby shower is not about the gifts, but more about celebrating this baby with my friends and family. All along I have been refusing the idea of the shower, I suddenly thought I would regret not having one, like I am not doing anything to celebrate this baby. Even though, there can always be a party after he is born, not many people understand the condition of a new mom after birth. Lack of sleep, paranoia over too many people breathing on your baby (kidding), and the discomfort of childbirth recovery doesn't exactly make one want to socialize.
While I'm not sure what to do I think I will just wait it out.....
I made it past the new baby's room. It's blue and beautiful. I packed away all of Julia's little pink things and kept all of the neutral baby items aside for Michael. Then I found the diaper bag that was supposed to come with us to the hospital. I found diapers and all of the little prospective coming home outfits. Of course, it was difficult to see those.
My next obstacle has been whether or not to allow my friends to throw a baby shower. While I mostly have the big items I need, it's just little things like bottles, blankets, and boys clothes I have yet to buy. Of course, the idea of a baby shower is not about the gifts, but more about celebrating this baby with my friends and family. All along I have been refusing the idea of the shower, I suddenly thought I would regret not having one, like I am not doing anything to celebrate this baby. Even though, there can always be a party after he is born, not many people understand the condition of a new mom after birth. Lack of sleep, paranoia over too many people breathing on your baby (kidding), and the discomfort of childbirth recovery doesn't exactly make one want to socialize.
While I'm not sure what to do I think I will just wait it out.....
Monday March 15, 2010
It was almost a week that I was coming to the Dr. office for non stress tests. At this point it was no longer a non stress test. It was stressful being 35 wks and not understanding what was going on with my little bean's fluctuating activity on the monitor. But I had faith that everything would be fine. Being a Monday appt Rafa was not able to go with me. I went to the appointment without any expectations other than sitting in the recliner and reading a magazine. I distracted myself with nutrition article for nearly 2 hrs as ny dr. and rn frequently checked the monitor. while he was normally extremely active, his movements were a few and far in between. i knew he was fine. And even though I could feel him rolling around to change position every so many minutes, it was still a reading on the non stress that my dr. was considering non reactive. (scary- non reactive to me seems like no movement at all). Once again, I was sent to labor & delivery at Winter Park hospital where the same nurses monitored me a week before.
this time i was in the care of the charge nurse who had me undress (huh!?) and prep me for ultrasound. According to her she was speculating a delivery the same day. I text Rafael every update until he rushed over to the hospital. We were told the Fetal specialst Dr. Christiansen would be coming in to evaluate the situation and most likely to do an amnio. (The exact test I was due to have in a couple of days and severely dreading!)
After waiting all day in anxious agony, the dr.arrived. I think he just got off the basketball court or something, and I'm thinking, this guy was just shooting hoops and now he's going to insert a huge needle in my side?
All could do up until this point was meditate and pray. It was an uncomfortable procedure, but I was willing to endure it to see my little bean. It was uncomfortable and of course, to add to my torture, my little jumping bean moved which meant it took longer.
From that point on it was all a waiting game. If the levels in the amniotic fluid revealed lung maturity, labor would be induced. The night was long and restless for both Rafael and I. i couldn't find a single thing to distract my mind from what was to come. Sleeping was impossible since I could not move or the doppler would lose the heartbeat(or he's move), prompting an alarm to sound to reposition it. Try sleeping with that on your nerves! By 4 am, the nurse came in to inform us that the tests came back and it was a pretty sure thing I'd be delivering my beanie baby! The next thing I knew, my dr. came in to discuss options, did I want a c-section or a induction. What kind of a question as that? I knew I was not feeling like the risk of his heart rate dropping during the induction process and getting hemmorriods are not fun. While I was weary of the c sec risks, I was not in any mental capacity to push.
Everything happened so fast, from the word I was being prepped and signed a million papers until I was whisked away to the O.R. I felt like I was in a science fiction movie or kidnapped by ailens the way this anesthesiologist "student" poked at my spine. By the 5th poke I asked that the Dr. himself take over the epidural. No offense, I'd like to be able to use my legs after this is all over. The moment the anesthesia hit it was showtime. I heard the doctor say he was making the first cuts ( like I need to know this!)
One of the nurses was trying to converse with me, I was in no mood for small talk. I was praying, meditating, and focusing all of my energy to the life that was about to officially enter the world.
For the next several minutes I felt like my brilliant doctor was rumaging through my intestines like a raccoon through a dumpster.It was undeniably the strangest feeling and along with the nurse anesthetist trying to position a hand mirror so I would see the baby, only she was showing me the surgery that was taking place. Having had watched other surgeries and seeing all the blood and guts nothing quite prepares you when the tables are turned.
Within minutes I heard the cry of my son. Nothing can ever be so comforting than to give birth to a screaming healthy baby who peed, yes sprayed all over the OR. It was the funniest thing but I was too shocked to laugh or cry. Rafael was the first to hold him and they brought him to me. I kissed the forehead of this beautiful little swaddled stranger. Soon they brought me to recovery where I stayed not even one hour without my son. I was very adamant about letting them know I wanted him right back where he belonged.
I had waited three years to hold this child and once he is in my arms, there's no letting go :) It was that night I came to the realization of never knowing a night of sleep again in my life and i didn't care.
We spent that night and every other taking turns holding him while we tried to sleep.
I couldn't take my eyes off of him, I kept remembering the song "Don't want to close my eyes" by aerosmith, because I really didn't want to miss a thing.
It was almost a week that I was coming to the Dr. office for non stress tests. At this point it was no longer a non stress test. It was stressful being 35 wks and not understanding what was going on with my little bean's fluctuating activity on the monitor. But I had faith that everything would be fine. Being a Monday appt Rafa was not able to go with me. I went to the appointment without any expectations other than sitting in the recliner and reading a magazine. I distracted myself with nutrition article for nearly 2 hrs as ny dr. and rn frequently checked the monitor. while he was normally extremely active, his movements were a few and far in between. i knew he was fine. And even though I could feel him rolling around to change position every so many minutes, it was still a reading on the non stress that my dr. was considering non reactive. (scary- non reactive to me seems like no movement at all). Once again, I was sent to labor & delivery at Winter Park hospital where the same nurses monitored me a week before.
this time i was in the care of the charge nurse who had me undress (huh!?) and prep me for ultrasound. According to her she was speculating a delivery the same day. I text Rafael every update until he rushed over to the hospital. We were told the Fetal specialst Dr. Christiansen would be coming in to evaluate the situation and most likely to do an amnio. (The exact test I was due to have in a couple of days and severely dreading!)
After waiting all day in anxious agony, the dr.arrived. I think he just got off the basketball court or something, and I'm thinking, this guy was just shooting hoops and now he's going to insert a huge needle in my side?
All could do up until this point was meditate and pray. It was an uncomfortable procedure, but I was willing to endure it to see my little bean. It was uncomfortable and of course, to add to my torture, my little jumping bean moved which meant it took longer.
From that point on it was all a waiting game. If the levels in the amniotic fluid revealed lung maturity, labor would be induced. The night was long and restless for both Rafael and I. i couldn't find a single thing to distract my mind from what was to come. Sleeping was impossible since I could not move or the doppler would lose the heartbeat(or he's move), prompting an alarm to sound to reposition it. Try sleeping with that on your nerves! By 4 am, the nurse came in to inform us that the tests came back and it was a pretty sure thing I'd be delivering my beanie baby! The next thing I knew, my dr. came in to discuss options, did I want a c-section or a induction. What kind of a question as that? I knew I was not feeling like the risk of his heart rate dropping during the induction process and getting hemmorriods are not fun. While I was weary of the c sec risks, I was not in any mental capacity to push.
Everything happened so fast, from the word I was being prepped and signed a million papers until I was whisked away to the O.R. I felt like I was in a science fiction movie or kidnapped by ailens the way this anesthesiologist "student" poked at my spine. By the 5th poke I asked that the Dr. himself take over the epidural. No offense, I'd like to be able to use my legs after this is all over. The moment the anesthesia hit it was showtime. I heard the doctor say he was making the first cuts ( like I need to know this!)
One of the nurses was trying to converse with me, I was in no mood for small talk. I was praying, meditating, and focusing all of my energy to the life that was about to officially enter the world.
For the next several minutes I felt like my brilliant doctor was rumaging through my intestines like a raccoon through a dumpster.It was undeniably the strangest feeling and along with the nurse anesthetist trying to position a hand mirror so I would see the baby, only she was showing me the surgery that was taking place. Having had watched other surgeries and seeing all the blood and guts nothing quite prepares you when the tables are turned.
Within minutes I heard the cry of my son. Nothing can ever be so comforting than to give birth to a screaming healthy baby who peed, yes sprayed all over the OR. It was the funniest thing but I was too shocked to laugh or cry. Rafael was the first to hold him and they brought him to me. I kissed the forehead of this beautiful little swaddled stranger. Soon they brought me to recovery where I stayed not even one hour without my son. I was very adamant about letting them know I wanted him right back where he belonged.
I had waited three years to hold this child and once he is in my arms, there's no letting go :) It was that night I came to the realization of never knowing a night of sleep again in my life and i didn't care.
We spent that night and every other taking turns holding him while we tried to sleep.
I couldn't take my eyes off of him, I kept remembering the song "Don't want to close my eyes" by aerosmith, because I really didn't want to miss a thing.
Past due
Everytime I look at my son, I am extremely grateful. Not only did this little miracle arrive healthy without any breathing intervention- he was one month early. This was due to the quick thinking of my doctor, Bernard Despres.
The emotional roller coaster of a pregnancy is enough, but when there has been a previous loss with a full term delivery involved, there is much nervous anticipation. I did everything possible and more to arrive at my due date with my sanity and health in check. i will admit I was very anxious about the delivery and how far the doctors will allow me to go before an induction.
Anytime I meet another mom-to-be, I strive NOT to be the cautionary tale. But I want women to be aware of not only what's going on with their bodies, but also not to be ashamed of stepping up to medical professionals when they KNOW something is not quite right. Today's standards of care leave much to be desired, especially when insurance companies have all the control. This is not about money people, this is life coming into the world. What is the value of a mother in our society? a woman?
Case in point, a woman I know is nearly 3 wks past her due date. Unfortunately, she too had a late term loss previously. I can only imagine what is going on in her mind. Her doctors keep dismissing her when they should have induced her weeks ago. Without knowing her history, I do know they told her there was no found cause of her loss. This should be even more reason for her doctors to act now. I've spend 3 years studying the causes of stillbirths and according to the high risk experts, many times it can be reoccurring.
. This is not the first time many times, it is due to a lack of insurance. Sure, everyone wants to say "oh well, she should have insurance". Easier said than done right? Many people don't know that insurance companies will often deny pregnancies after a loss- particularly late term losses. Disgustingly sad, but true.
My outrage is, what is going on in America, in the state of Florida where insurance companies allow women to go without prenatal coverage. Why must people be penalized for miscarriages and stillbirths?
Yes, there are people who abuse the system and have a million kids to keep getting financial support. We judge those people and they don't care. We have no idea what others may be battling. It should be more about people than it is about money.
The emotional roller coaster of a pregnancy is enough, but when there has been a previous loss with a full term delivery involved, there is much nervous anticipation. I did everything possible and more to arrive at my due date with my sanity and health in check. i will admit I was very anxious about the delivery and how far the doctors will allow me to go before an induction.
Anytime I meet another mom-to-be, I strive NOT to be the cautionary tale. But I want women to be aware of not only what's going on with their bodies, but also not to be ashamed of stepping up to medical professionals when they KNOW something is not quite right. Today's standards of care leave much to be desired, especially when insurance companies have all the control. This is not about money people, this is life coming into the world. What is the value of a mother in our society? a woman?
Case in point, a woman I know is nearly 3 wks past her due date. Unfortunately, she too had a late term loss previously. I can only imagine what is going on in her mind. Her doctors keep dismissing her when they should have induced her weeks ago. Without knowing her history, I do know they told her there was no found cause of her loss. This should be even more reason for her doctors to act now. I've spend 3 years studying the causes of stillbirths and according to the high risk experts, many times it can be reoccurring.
. This is not the first time many times, it is due to a lack of insurance. Sure, everyone wants to say "oh well, she should have insurance". Easier said than done right? Many people don't know that insurance companies will often deny pregnancies after a loss- particularly late term losses. Disgustingly sad, but true.
My outrage is, what is going on in America, in the state of Florida where insurance companies allow women to go without prenatal coverage. Why must people be penalized for miscarriages and stillbirths?
Yes, there are people who abuse the system and have a million kids to keep getting financial support. We judge those people and they don't care. We have no idea what others may be battling. It should be more about people than it is about money.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Time flies when we are not looking. For those of us who have lost a child at any age, for every year there are missed birthday parties, milestones and what ifs that plague our mind. The date 8/30 is a painful reminder of a day that I will never forget. An angel that I carried with me for 9 months who kicked, smiled and fluttered like a butterfly had left.
Grief is a life sentence on a rollercoaster. Emotions are unexpected, just when you think the ride is smooth, another reminder sends you for a whirl. I imagine my little girl starting preschool and wonder what she would look like.
This subject is one that we keep to ourselves. No one wants to see us in pain or holding on to something so painful. The sad fact is that we really have no choice. It's not something we can really ever forget or move on from. We do move on but in the back of our minds time will remind us....how many years ago, how it has changed us. What I have let go of is the what ifs. I cannot change what happened and I know it was not in my control.
Grief is a life sentence on a rollercoaster. Emotions are unexpected, just when you think the ride is smooth, another reminder sends you for a whirl. I imagine my little girl starting preschool and wonder what she would look like.
This subject is one that we keep to ourselves. No one wants to see us in pain or holding on to something so painful. The sad fact is that we really have no choice. It's not something we can really ever forget or move on from. We do move on but in the back of our minds time will remind us....how many years ago, how it has changed us. What I have let go of is the what ifs. I cannot change what happened and I know it was not in my control.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
to my son
Michael Dominic Moser
In a few hours, God Bless, you will be in our arms. It's 2 am and I am cautiously listening to your every heartbeat. There is no feeling in the world like the worry of everything being alright. I wonder what you will look like, but most importantly that you will arrive safely. tired dad is sleeping in a chair, poor thing.
I have so many hopes for you. My heart is so full of love and my head full of worry. I've known from the moment I saw a positive confirmation of your creation that I would never be the same. Everyday of this journey has been a careful anticipation of your arrival. And here we are the last hours that we will be connected physically, but I know that we will always be spiritually connected. Naturally, I will always do my best to protect you and shield you from the pains of the world. Someday when you have your own children you could only know how i am feeling. It is a powerful love when you are a parent. We will have times when you are set on doing your own thing and may be resistant but I understand you will grow into being your own person. Every parent wants the best for their child- for you I know there is a heart of gold with the best intentions. In my dreams we have met, I cannot wait to meet you for real.More than anything in this world, we love you and always will.
In a few hours, God Bless, you will be in our arms. It's 2 am and I am cautiously listening to your every heartbeat. There is no feeling in the world like the worry of everything being alright. I wonder what you will look like, but most importantly that you will arrive safely. tired dad is sleeping in a chair, poor thing.
I have so many hopes for you. My heart is so full of love and my head full of worry. I've known from the moment I saw a positive confirmation of your creation that I would never be the same. Everyday of this journey has been a careful anticipation of your arrival. And here we are the last hours that we will be connected physically, but I know that we will always be spiritually connected. Naturally, I will always do my best to protect you and shield you from the pains of the world. Someday when you have your own children you could only know how i am feeling. It is a powerful love when you are a parent. We will have times when you are set on doing your own thing and may be resistant but I understand you will grow into being your own person. Every parent wants the best for their child- for you I know there is a heart of gold with the best intentions. In my dreams we have met, I cannot wait to meet you for real.More than anything in this world, we love you and always will.
34
Today I am 34. Mid 30's do not make me feel old, just to wonder where have the years gone. No regrets, life is a series of events and moments that add to the other. Nothing you have ever done, seen or heard has not calculated to this moment. It makes us who we are. Our soul is in a contract that we agreed to long ago. Yes something's in that contract suck, but these events are of some other influence and in the end we will only realize.
Friday, February 19, 2010
30 days
it's hard to believe but in about a month our baby will be here. The time has flown yet it seems like forever. As I affectionately call him, little bean, it has been difficult to become too attached. I've walked through this pregnancy on pins and needles, with severe caution.
In a way I feel guilty for not celebrating him more. No baby shower. No 3d ultrasound. Only last minute room prep and cute little blue clothes. I can't wait to meet him.
In a way I feel guilty for not celebrating him more. No baby shower. No 3d ultrasound. Only last minute room prep and cute little blue clothes. I can't wait to meet him.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Dreams
Pregnancy always means crazy dreams. Maybe this is a time where we process all of our emotional "stuff: good and bad. Maybe it's the hormones or that chocolate ice cream I ate before bed. Either way I am amazed at my dreams lately. For a while they were so ridiculous I started forgetting them. This week I've had a few that left me mystified.
In one dream my little bean was here. He was a beautiful baby boy with lots of black hair. He was not tiny but more like a baby of 6 months at least. He seemed to advance in age. Like I imagine myself as a new mother, I was scrambling trying to figure out what to do for him. He was not fussing, but I guess I was trying to decide to feed or bathe him. I was extremely nervous about fulfilling his needs and not knowing what they were in that moment. I went to gather bath supplies and suddenly realized I was able to "receive" his thoughts almost telepathically. He seemed a bit demanding, yet he was peaceful and happy. I was suddenly felt calm, knowing what he needed. Love was a big part of this. My anxiety over knowing what to do was loving him so much I could only do the right thing. Also, another weird thing about this dream, when I went to hold him in my arms to nurse him, I noticed he had almost a full set of tiny baby teeth. I woke up laughing at this imagining my nipple getting bitten and maybe I shouldn't read anymore Twlight books.
The very next night I had an even more intense dream. This time I was still pregnant, sitting on the floor in a room of other people in some sort of meditation group. Among us was a child walking about the room, he (maybe she) was about 4 yrs old, maybe even younger with kind of long dark hair. It could have been a girl, as there was an angelic presence to this child. As he passed from person to person it was apparent that he was a healer. When he approached me, he placed his tiny hands on my belly and said he understood there "were others" and it just was not their time....something about "birth order" being a factor and that this baby was of the number 3, in the year of 3 (2010)! I felt that there was some kind of message of reassurance that this baby would be healthy and present...for me to not worry.
I woke up at 5:55 completely stunned at the memory of such a dream. I told Rafael right away.
He told me he was also having wild dreams of white tigers and horses ..symbols of strength and courage.
Never in my life had I felt so present in my dreams, I can only believe in the angelic message as something positive and hopeful.
In one dream my little bean was here. He was a beautiful baby boy with lots of black hair. He was not tiny but more like a baby of 6 months at least. He seemed to advance in age. Like I imagine myself as a new mother, I was scrambling trying to figure out what to do for him. He was not fussing, but I guess I was trying to decide to feed or bathe him. I was extremely nervous about fulfilling his needs and not knowing what they were in that moment. I went to gather bath supplies and suddenly realized I was able to "receive" his thoughts almost telepathically. He seemed a bit demanding, yet he was peaceful and happy. I was suddenly felt calm, knowing what he needed. Love was a big part of this. My anxiety over knowing what to do was loving him so much I could only do the right thing. Also, another weird thing about this dream, when I went to hold him in my arms to nurse him, I noticed he had almost a full set of tiny baby teeth. I woke up laughing at this imagining my nipple getting bitten and maybe I shouldn't read anymore Twlight books.
The very next night I had an even more intense dream. This time I was still pregnant, sitting on the floor in a room of other people in some sort of meditation group. Among us was a child walking about the room, he (maybe she) was about 4 yrs old, maybe even younger with kind of long dark hair. It could have been a girl, as there was an angelic presence to this child. As he passed from person to person it was apparent that he was a healer. When he approached me, he placed his tiny hands on my belly and said he understood there "were others" and it just was not their time....something about "birth order" being a factor and that this baby was of the number 3, in the year of 3 (2010)! I felt that there was some kind of message of reassurance that this baby would be healthy and present...for me to not worry.
I woke up at 5:55 completely stunned at the memory of such a dream. I told Rafael right away.
He told me he was also having wild dreams of white tigers and horses ..symbols of strength and courage.
Never in my life had I felt so present in my dreams, I can only believe in the angelic message as something positive and hopeful.
Friday, February 5, 2010
the boxes
The hardest thing was packing her things. But even harder was unpacking them and preparing the room for the new baby. Another baby that I anticipate, waiting an agonizing 9 months. It seems like bad luck to be prepared. All I can do is small changes at a time. For the first several months I simply closed the door. The plan now is to transform the purple butterfly room into a blue ocean theme. For those of you who are reading this and have been through this just take your time. Don't take heed into the advice of people who have no clue what you've been through by making you feel "unhealthy" for not wanting to pack away your baby's things. Hang in there, do things as you are ready.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Life decisions...
Today we went to the fetal maternal specialist. It turns out my bloodwork was clear. There is not a blood clotting problem as earlier speculated. Prayers were answered and some kind of miracle happened. I could swear that they found at least one gene present for this before. For almost two years I have been in fear of having something wrong. Now, in my head I can eliminate a genetic cause out of 199 other probable reasons for losing Julia.
There really has not been much peace in my head. IT is so hard not knowing why something like this happens. MAybe I'm dwelling- but WHY and HOW is just the nature of how I think. This was my problem being a nurse. I can't just push meds in people all the time, treating people like guinea pigs when time and money in our healthcare system often do not coincide with finding out why. Digging to the bottom of the barrel until there is some kind of an answer.
My dr. has been great in considering my psychological state as this pregnancy progresses. I only wish they were all like that...even my regular oB. He is ok, just a different personality. The specialist today recommended some interventions that would lead to a month early induction. In one month I would begin a series of two steroid shots to ensure the baby's lung maturity in order to do an early induction. Days before the induction I would also be getting an amnio done. I hate the thought of this. I know there is a risk involved and I don't like the invasion of my baby's security by a 6 inch needle. I don't care how common it is, and how quick it is, hokey folks like me see it as an energetic threat. In some cases, babies move away from the needle during this procedure, and even motioned to attack the needle. Sounds crazy but i believe it.
There is still time for me to consider what I feel is right in my heart and I am totally torn. Deep down, I don't like the idea of interrupting a natural process. Do I take a chance and just wait until I am further along that everything will be fine? My body failed me last time.
Do I trust and follow the advice of both docs, with blind faith that all of these extra interventions work out and deliver early? Will it save my sanity? I have one month of racking my brain....
The sooner I have my little beanie with us the better, but I don't want to rush him.
There really has not been much peace in my head. IT is so hard not knowing why something like this happens. MAybe I'm dwelling- but WHY and HOW is just the nature of how I think. This was my problem being a nurse. I can't just push meds in people all the time, treating people like guinea pigs when time and money in our healthcare system often do not coincide with finding out why. Digging to the bottom of the barrel until there is some kind of an answer.
My dr. has been great in considering my psychological state as this pregnancy progresses. I only wish they were all like that...even my regular oB. He is ok, just a different personality. The specialist today recommended some interventions that would lead to a month early induction. In one month I would begin a series of two steroid shots to ensure the baby's lung maturity in order to do an early induction. Days before the induction I would also be getting an amnio done. I hate the thought of this. I know there is a risk involved and I don't like the invasion of my baby's security by a 6 inch needle. I don't care how common it is, and how quick it is, hokey folks like me see it as an energetic threat. In some cases, babies move away from the needle during this procedure, and even motioned to attack the needle. Sounds crazy but i believe it.
There is still time for me to consider what I feel is right in my heart and I am totally torn. Deep down, I don't like the idea of interrupting a natural process. Do I take a chance and just wait until I am further along that everything will be fine? My body failed me last time.
Do I trust and follow the advice of both docs, with blind faith that all of these extra interventions work out and deliver early? Will it save my sanity? I have one month of racking my brain....
The sooner I have my little beanie with us the better, but I don't want to rush him.
Monday, January 4, 2010
a decade of change
This new year it is amazing to think about it being the turn of another decade. The new millenium or 00's (what do we call it anyway?) was really a time of change. When I think back of how quickly it all went down, 9/11, texting, a new president, GpS, Wii fit....all the things that change the way we live. Somethings changed the world and how we live in it. Without negativity, it does feel like a more cautious world than ever before. We were all more nieve in the 90's and children in the 80's.
And in my own life major transformations made me who I am today. In this decade I started out with a bold move to Orlando to follow my dream of a career as a massage therapist. I broke away from a path that did not make me happy. The future was promising and career stable, but I knew deep within that there was something else, somewhere else (and very likely someone else) This move led me to the place where I met the man I would marry. And like me, he found himself living in this city where he was led by some twist of fate. I learned so much from him, and that I could only be happy if we built our life together. He is an amazing spirit that has not only made me want to be the best I can be, he's made me believe in myself and any dream is possible.
this whole millenium may have started rough, I have lost parts of myself but found new ones. People have come and gone. Loved ones have passed, but the most painful years have produced a new skin. The capacity to survive has expanded boundaries and continues to.
And in my own life major transformations made me who I am today. In this decade I started out with a bold move to Orlando to follow my dream of a career as a massage therapist. I broke away from a path that did not make me happy. The future was promising and career stable, but I knew deep within that there was something else, somewhere else (and very likely someone else) This move led me to the place where I met the man I would marry. And like me, he found himself living in this city where he was led by some twist of fate. I learned so much from him, and that I could only be happy if we built our life together. He is an amazing spirit that has not only made me want to be the best I can be, he's made me believe in myself and any dream is possible.
this whole millenium may have started rough, I have lost parts of myself but found new ones. People have come and gone. Loved ones have passed, but the most painful years have produced a new skin. The capacity to survive has expanded boundaries and continues to.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Dreams of rainbows
Everyday is different. Emotions are up and down. And yet, each day is the same worry and concern that I try to turn around in my mind. It's a struggle sometimes. I feel the little bean kick and press down on my bladder. I suddenly feel relief. If I make it through this pregnancy sane it will truly be a miracle.
People try to be supportive but there is no way anyone can feel the isolation and lonliness I am experiencing. I don't want to hear things like "enjoy this pregnancy". Enjoy it:? I wish I could without worrying that my body is reacting like a time bomb. I want the remote control Adam Sandler had in the movie "click", just fast forward me to the point of holding this baby in my arms, where he is here, safely.
It is not that I don't trust in my body or the process. The experience of a late term loss is an innocence shattering event. Focusing on rainbows and puppies is a grand illusion. Baby showers and future plans seem like taboo, a concept no one can seem to understand.
Especially when medical science, in all of it's wisdom has no answers for you. Doctors will throw statistics and the encouraging "we see this all the time" lines. All the while some of us long for a healthcare practitioner to have an ounce of sympathy and on some level ask how we are, rather than treat us as medical train wrecks.
I've even had a female doctor, someone with a uterus, tell me it was "harder for them than it is for us, believe it or not". Really? Was she still thinking of her patient's loss years later? Did she wonder what they looked like on their 2nd birthday? I doubt it. By then she won't remember their name.
Even though I was told my heart monitor was not good enough, I am still able to check the baby's heartbeat daily. I admit it, I have HR OCD, a condition I am sure will intensify as I get closer to my due date.
I don't like to share my cautionary tale with others at times, but I want moms to be to be aware of their bodies- what feels like its abnormal to us may conflict with what "they" tell us. Even though I was once part of the medical team, I am now a hokey mind/body medicine freak/ massage therapist. I teach people that healing is within them and I believe it...somewhat. I know that if I listened to my body my daughter would be here today. Instead I am chasing rainbows and riding on intuition.
People try to be supportive but there is no way anyone can feel the isolation and lonliness I am experiencing. I don't want to hear things like "enjoy this pregnancy". Enjoy it:? I wish I could without worrying that my body is reacting like a time bomb. I want the remote control Adam Sandler had in the movie "click", just fast forward me to the point of holding this baby in my arms, where he is here, safely.
It is not that I don't trust in my body or the process. The experience of a late term loss is an innocence shattering event. Focusing on rainbows and puppies is a grand illusion. Baby showers and future plans seem like taboo, a concept no one can seem to understand.
Especially when medical science, in all of it's wisdom has no answers for you. Doctors will throw statistics and the encouraging "we see this all the time" lines. All the while some of us long for a healthcare practitioner to have an ounce of sympathy and on some level ask how we are, rather than treat us as medical train wrecks.
I've even had a female doctor, someone with a uterus, tell me it was "harder for them than it is for us, believe it or not". Really? Was she still thinking of her patient's loss years later? Did she wonder what they looked like on their 2nd birthday? I doubt it. By then she won't remember their name.
Even though I was told my heart monitor was not good enough, I am still able to check the baby's heartbeat daily. I admit it, I have HR OCD, a condition I am sure will intensify as I get closer to my due date.
I don't like to share my cautionary tale with others at times, but I want moms to be to be aware of their bodies- what feels like its abnormal to us may conflict with what "they" tell us. Even though I was once part of the medical team, I am now a hokey mind/body medicine freak/ massage therapist. I teach people that healing is within them and I believe it...somewhat. I know that if I listened to my body my daughter would be here today. Instead I am chasing rainbows and riding on intuition.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
It's a .....
The morning of the "big" ultrasound with the maternal fetal specialist. As I sit in the waiting room, it's not only one of the biggest moments of my pregnancy, but my life. I'm a bundle of nerves. A mix of emotions in a packed to the fullest room of expectant moms and screaming toddlers. I'm guessing everyone here is in some kind of high risk situaiton. I wonder how many of these women can relate to the anxiety and anticipation that runs through my veins. A beautiful little toddler with pigtails smiled at me enthusiatically, all I could do was smile back. I did not want to be rude but I hardly could manage any kind of conversation or even read a magazine. I leafed through a few but words and pictures were a blur. Rafael graciously gave up his seat next to me for another mom to be. He moved to a corner where he seemed to distract himself with a motorcycle magazine. I knew he was feeling the same agony as we waited to be called.
Finally a nurse called us back and we got right to the ultrasound room. Then came all the painful questions about pregnancy history, even though she had my records and I had been there before. It would be great if people took the time to read them.
Then the ultrasound. To our surprise and what was confirmed before my sight was a boy! I looked over at rafael as he said "I told you", and our eyes met with tears of joy. He excused himself to the nurse as he reached over to hug me.
There is no feeling in the world like those moments of seeing the baby on screen, and hearing that all those images of his organs and little limbs appeared to be healthy. From that moment we built on hope and anticipation. But it also builds on a journey that is somewhat fragile.
Finally a nurse called us back and we got right to the ultrasound room. Then came all the painful questions about pregnancy history, even though she had my records and I had been there before. It would be great if people took the time to read them.
Then the ultrasound. To our surprise and what was confirmed before my sight was a boy! I looked over at rafael as he said "I told you", and our eyes met with tears of joy. He excused himself to the nurse as he reached over to hug me.
There is no feeling in the world like those moments of seeing the baby on screen, and hearing that all those images of his organs and little limbs appeared to be healthy. From that moment we built on hope and anticipation. But it also builds on a journey that is somewhat fragile.
The little jumping bean
Today was the day that this new pregnancy all became real. He or She made their debut on the ultrasound screen. It was an amazing experience. The tiny formations of arms and legs, waving around and vigorously moving to let me know it's presence. To think how technology can show us the life inside is amazing. Today was a beautiful day, to confirm a miracle is growing within. My journey officially begins.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
worry wart
I've gained some extra weight thanks to a bad habit...no, not the bags of fun size chocolate that has me addicted. But the juice I consume when I think the baby is not moving enough. I've always stayed away from fruit juices except for in moderation since just a few glasses can add a whopping 1000 calories a day. I can't help that I am paranoid about movement. Rafa and I listen to the baby's hb every night with the doppler. Still, I get paranoid about the kicking. I expect this child to kick my ass all the way until he comes out screaming. I cannot escape my fears of the sudden absence of life within me. Everyday I work on staying strong and not driving myself crazy...I just want to make it to the finish line this time without the earth shattering disappointment of a loss.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
the girl in the plastic bubble
It's a new day, a time for change and refresh the mood of this blog for a bit. After the big fat positive it is time to move on to the beat of a new drum. I miss my daughter every day, I will always wonder what she would be like at this stage of her life, what she would look like and what happened to her. As difficult as this new unknown road may seem, I must accept with blind faith that all will prevail and everything will go exactly as planned.
Once again I have given up martinis, hot tubs, swimming in the ocean, sushi, rollercoasters, and all the potentially harmful stuff I did last time. It seems like worthwhile sacrifices if it is going to result in a happy healthy baby. Yes I did feel cheated last time. I did everything I could and made it to the finish line only to lose so badly.
Other people are happy for us, yet some are fearful. Obviously, I can't live my life in a bubble but sometimes I wish I could. I could save my baby from all the chemicals, additives, sickness, swine flu, etc.
All I could do is make the best choices possible and believe in my spiritual nature.
Once again I have given up martinis, hot tubs, swimming in the ocean, sushi, rollercoasters, and all the potentially harmful stuff I did last time. It seems like worthwhile sacrifices if it is going to result in a happy healthy baby. Yes I did feel cheated last time. I did everything I could and made it to the finish line only to lose so badly.
Other people are happy for us, yet some are fearful. Obviously, I can't live my life in a bubble but sometimes I wish I could. I could save my baby from all the chemicals, additives, sickness, swine flu, etc.
All I could do is make the best choices possible and believe in my spiritual nature.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
BFP
On Aug 17, my period was nearly 2 wks late so I took a pregnancy test. The night before I knew I was going to test the following day I couldn't sleep at all. My mind kept wandering to the single Target brand box under the bathroom sink. I could only imagine what the outcome. In some ways I was expecting the inevitable outcome. That morning as soon I awoke I quickly tore open the target box and retreived the test. My need to pee was so urgent I nearly peed all over my hand and in the process of meticulously aiming my stream on the absorbent tip, a speck of urine splashed in the air targeting poor franghino. It is usual for him to stalk me the moment I get out of bed in hopes that I will let him outside.
There it was- a slightly faded blue cross. Well that explained my relentless exhaustion, sore growing boobs, and missing Aunt Flo.
After countless hours of research on the internet and dead ended calls to Dr.s. I've had to deal with insurance issues. the current political debate over health care reform could not be happening at a more ironic time for me. Even if I had maternity coverage, they will be punishing me for losing the last baby. But i suppose if I smoked crack and didn't work I would have full coverage.
I really don't know what to think, it seems like no matter what they do there is still the issue of huge costs of pharmaceuticals and profits of hospital administrations. No matter how you slice it, the middle class is getting screwed royally...especially those of us who are self employed and have to shell out money for insurance that costs 3x as much.
By the time DH got home I broke the news and he melted with a sweet smile and a hug. He said he has been needing this to happen to renew his faith. Losing Julia has been a terrible assault on our believe system. The BFP is a new hope that we will be parents. A hope that we fear to rise too high, but it is some kind of miracle that we were not expecting, and that is sometimes the best kind of surprise.
There it was- a slightly faded blue cross. Well that explained my relentless exhaustion, sore growing boobs, and missing Aunt Flo.
After countless hours of research on the internet and dead ended calls to Dr.s. I've had to deal with insurance issues. the current political debate over health care reform could not be happening at a more ironic time for me. Even if I had maternity coverage, they will be punishing me for losing the last baby. But i suppose if I smoked crack and didn't work I would have full coverage.
I really don't know what to think, it seems like no matter what they do there is still the issue of huge costs of pharmaceuticals and profits of hospital administrations. No matter how you slice it, the middle class is getting screwed royally...especially those of us who are self employed and have to shell out money for insurance that costs 3x as much.
By the time DH got home I broke the news and he melted with a sweet smile and a hug. He said he has been needing this to happen to renew his faith. Losing Julia has been a terrible assault on our believe system. The BFP is a new hope that we will be parents. A hope that we fear to rise too high, but it is some kind of miracle that we were not expecting, and that is sometimes the best kind of surprise.
Monday, August 10, 2009
could it be?
I'm freaked out. Some part of me is amused, shocked, and freaked out. Could it be? I'm about a week late and not sure what is going on. I've had some possible signals and I wonder if they were valid. Not only the usual sore breasts, train-wreck tiredness, and occasional nausea but also back pain and sudden anxiety.
I am dealing with so many mixed emotions at the thought of being pregnant again. I know how hard it is going to be to focus on keeping my mind and body as healthy as possible. Not that I didn't do all I could last time, I think there were times when I was ignorant. I've spend countless hours rehashing the last weeks of my pregnancy. Was it the time I went swimming in the ocean, ate sushi or did too much cleaning in my nesting frenzy? I've spend the last two years pondering these kind of wonders and have tried so hard to not let them drive me crazy.
My husband has been wonderful in giving me the time I have needed to recover. He has been ready to try again for sometime. We've gone through this rollercoaster of emotions for sometime now and it has been at times very difficult. Even in moments when he would feel angry or let down by Spirit, he has always maintained the strength to be supportive and encourage me that we must not let this loss defeat us from trying to have another baby. Without a partner like him, I don't know where I would be today. While tempting the idea to try again, there really has been no definitive plan. After the loss, there is a new normal. For me, there is no planning, it's whatever happens by chance will be.
Whatever plan the great Spirit in the sky has chosen for me I will accept with grace. I know that I can only manifest a positive outcome by being positive. As difficult as it may be to understand, I believe our destiny is predetermined, yet we have the power to attract miracles.
My husband has been wonderful in giving me the time I have needed to recover. He has been ready to try again for sometime. We've gone through this rollercoaster of emotions for sometime now and it has been at times very difficult. Even in moments when he would feel angry or let down by Spirit, he has always maintained the strength to be supportive and encourage me that we must not let this loss defeat us from trying to have another baby. Without a partner like him, I don't know where I would be today. While tempting the idea to try again, there really has been no definitive plan. After the loss, there is a new normal. For me, there is no planning, it's whatever happens by chance will be.
Whatever plan the great Spirit in the sky has chosen for me I will accept with grace. I know that I can only manifest a positive outcome by being positive. As difficult as it may be to understand, I believe our destiny is predetermined, yet we have the power to attract miracles.
Friday, April 17, 2009
1.8mos
After 1 yr 8mos people will think you should be "over" it. The most important key to coping is to allow yourself to deal with in your own way. Provided that you are not in any way harming yourself! Some beating up on yourself is expected, but it is a victimized way of looking at things.
Today I had to finally come to terms with obtaining my medical records from the hospital and the doctor. While time dragged on forever in the beginning of the end....it all seemed like an oxymoron now. The end of Julia's life was the beginning of my suffering. Not knowing why she died is even more of a grief sentence. There is no closure, no fact of the matter.
Today I had to finally come to terms with obtaining my medical records from the hospital and the doctor. While time dragged on forever in the beginning of the end....it all seemed like an oxymoron now. The end of Julia's life was the beginning of my suffering. Not knowing why she died is even more of a grief sentence. There is no closure, no fact of the matter.
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