After 1 yr 8mos people will think you should be "over" it. The most important key to coping is to allow yourself to deal with in your own way. Provided that you are not in any way harming yourself! Some beating up on yourself is expected, but it is a victimized way of looking at things.
Today I had to finally come to terms with obtaining my medical records from the hospital and the doctor. While time dragged on forever in the beginning of the end....it all seemed like an oxymoron now. The end of Julia's life was the beginning of my suffering. Not knowing why she died is even more of a grief sentence. There is no closure, no fact of the matter.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Saturday, November 8, 2008
young & restless
Restless. That's what you become after any pregnancy. Whether or not my child is with me, I still awake in the night to think about her. For some reason I take comfort in waking during the morning hours. I can think, no one can call me for work, and cry if I want to. Usually I read, ocassionally blog. It's a quiet time, the earth is sleeping.
It is those times that I am able to look into myself. Although always self evaluating, and often with judgement, I think about how I have been dealing with the loss of my pregnancy.
Most people would say that I appear to be doing well. I have sold my self confidence to others many times. But then I wonder, how honest have I been? I've done my best to keep busy even though there is not a day or hour when I don't think about my child. Losing her was to really lose aprt of myself. Not my mind, but a sense of innocence of myself. Author Elizabeth Mccracken said it best in her book, " An exact replica of a figment of my imagination" (she tells her own heartbreaking story of her stillborn baby boy affectionately called Pudding) how earth shattering it is to lose this kind of innocence. It is a numbing process.
The damage that this underlying hurt of grief does activates itself when we are stressed. I cannot handle stress the way I used to. The little things in life no longer matter, and the people who worry over trivial, material things suddenly become an annoyance. Even more annoying, are the ones who assume you've lost your marbles right along with the baby. The only way to deal with this to keep walking, rest when tired but do stop to appreciate the roses. The things in life that really matter.
It is those times that I am able to look into myself. Although always self evaluating, and often with judgement, I think about how I have been dealing with the loss of my pregnancy.
Most people would say that I appear to be doing well. I have sold my self confidence to others many times. But then I wonder, how honest have I been? I've done my best to keep busy even though there is not a day or hour when I don't think about my child. Losing her was to really lose aprt of myself. Not my mind, but a sense of innocence of myself. Author Elizabeth Mccracken said it best in her book, " An exact replica of a figment of my imagination" (she tells her own heartbreaking story of her stillborn baby boy affectionately called Pudding) how earth shattering it is to lose this kind of innocence. It is a numbing process.
The damage that this underlying hurt of grief does activates itself when we are stressed. I cannot handle stress the way I used to. The little things in life no longer matter, and the people who worry over trivial, material things suddenly become an annoyance. Even more annoying, are the ones who assume you've lost your marbles right along with the baby. The only way to deal with this to keep walking, rest when tired but do stop to appreciate the roses. The things in life that really matter.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
The crap lottery
n the past year since I have overcome my loss there have been good days and bad days. I had to learn to take one day at a time to maintain my sanity. I've had to overlook thoughtless comments from people, consider their inconsideration, and accept many physical changes in my body that are permanent.
Without thinking about it, I've come to realize that the 30th is the most difficult day of the month. I have nightmares, weird pains as if I'm experiencing labor all over again and not to mention sadness. When I feel like I no longer bear the sadness, I realize the suffering in other people. While I've always been empathetic- I can feel others pain at times, my work gives the opportunity to meet many courageous people. People who have endured suffering like we cannot imagine.
Some have been born with disabling conditions, some have been victims of crimes, tragedies and survivors of deadly accidents. One I know was run over by an old woman and was pronounced dead on the scene. After several brain surgeries, breaking nearly every bone in his body, he learned how to walk again after years. Today he is promoting his own juice tonics at whole foods. He is a positive person and doesn't seem to express anger or resentment- he has forgiven and let go of negative emotions. He is grateful to be alive- and as a result of his gratituity to spirit (or whatever you want to believe in) he is successful.
The same goes for a screenwriter who left a positive impression on me about my writing. Many of this guy's movies that we all have seen (but I cannot name due to confidentiality). He expressed a lot of pain he experienced in his life from a terminal illness at a young age- and then lost the love of his life in a car accident- all this suffering he poured into his movies. Those movies are stories that reach out to others that really came from someone's heart.
I can go on and on with examples. In the midst of a fucked up world, miracles are all around us. We just need to see them in the smallest things. Thank some higher power that put us here in the first place for our food, our air, our shelter. That gratitude will continue on to another kind of blessing. To take it all for granted is to win the crap lottery.
Without thinking about it, I've come to realize that the 30th is the most difficult day of the month. I have nightmares, weird pains as if I'm experiencing labor all over again and not to mention sadness. When I feel like I no longer bear the sadness, I realize the suffering in other people. While I've always been empathetic- I can feel others pain at times, my work gives the opportunity to meet many courageous people. People who have endured suffering like we cannot imagine.
Some have been born with disabling conditions, some have been victims of crimes, tragedies and survivors of deadly accidents. One I know was run over by an old woman and was pronounced dead on the scene. After several brain surgeries, breaking nearly every bone in his body, he learned how to walk again after years. Today he is promoting his own juice tonics at whole foods. He is a positive person and doesn't seem to express anger or resentment- he has forgiven and let go of negative emotions. He is grateful to be alive- and as a result of his gratituity to spirit (or whatever you want to believe in) he is successful.
The same goes for a screenwriter who left a positive impression on me about my writing. Many of this guy's movies that we all have seen (but I cannot name due to confidentiality). He expressed a lot of pain he experienced in his life from a terminal illness at a young age- and then lost the love of his life in a car accident- all this suffering he poured into his movies. Those movies are stories that reach out to others that really came from someone's heart.
I can go on and on with examples. In the midst of a fucked up world, miracles are all around us. We just need to see them in the smallest things. Thank some higher power that put us here in the first place for our food, our air, our shelter. That gratitude will continue on to another kind of blessing. To take it all for granted is to win the crap lottery.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
walking around with pockets of grief.
no one can understand the depth of emotion associated with a loss, unless they've experienced one themselves. it's easy to get cynical, to be angry. to ask why, often pointed at the sky. it's especially challenging when people around you begin to lose their faith. one begins to wonder, if there is a god then why does he allow bad things to happen? in my belief, god or spirit doesn't "allow" bad things to happen to us, we have some kind of connection with previous lifetimes.
sometimes i wonder what his plan is for me. in many ways i am blessed- i am married to a wonderful human being whom i adore, i've had hard working parents who have always loved and supported me.
sometimes i wonder what his plan is for me. in many ways i am blessed- i am married to a wonderful human being whom i adore, i've had hard working parents who have always loved and supported me.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
the day my angel got her wings
Today my daughter would have been celebrating her first birthday. Instead, we are going to a wedding in Ga. While they are close friends of the family, they don't know that it is today. But we go to the wedding, with no one knowing how difficult it was to hold my head up high and just work through it.
Since the wedding was in the evening, Rafa wanted to go to stone mtn, ga. on the way. The last time we visited there I was around 6 mos pregnant with Julia. As crazy as it sounds, I did the hike with many breaks to rest. Everytime I stopped I would become more inspired to continue as I saw 2 other pregnant girls who were even more far along than I was. If they could do it, I could. And one day, I was going to tell my girl all about that crazy trip and how I made it to the top.
This time I did the same trek to the top, but without a pregnant belly. I did fine all day with a few times mentioning her memory in the car on the drive up. At some point during the hike I felt an overwhelming wave of grief, pain, anger, and guilt. Was I fucking crazy to climb this while I was pregnant? No wonder I lost her. I did too much, pushed myself too far. I didn't say this to Rafa, but it was the self abusing thoughts that often happen in the minds of mothers who lost their babies this way.
I sat down on a rock and the tears just flowed. As I looked out into the blue skyline I asked "why?" I could not contain myself from just stopping and letting it all out. People passing by could see me crying, probably thinking I'm wimping out on the rest of the hike. Not that I care what people think, it's the last thing on my mind.
Then the anger set in. While I know I must allow myself to grieve, here I am sitting on a rock crying. I had more steps to take. More stones to cross. I have to keep moving and not be victimized by my loss. I make the choice to stand up and finish the hike, as grueling as it was. With each step, I focused on my breathing. Like the days of my life, I must take them one at a time...stopping when I needed to, but keep rebuilding my strength.
When I arrive at the top I felt stronger in some ways but still broken in others. I walk into the restroom area to see many mothers there with children. It's unbelievably cruel how many babies I saw around the age that Julia would have been- at a mountain top! My huge dark glasses remain on and I get out of there as soon as possible.
On the way back down, my husband feels bad that he took me to a place that triggered a memory of pregnancy. I assured him that it was not his fault. Either way, I knew the day was coming that it will be one year that we went thru this nightmare of losing her.
We both have been each others greatest supporters. We may not be on the same stages at times, but this is what it does to couples. Many times, we don't want to upset each other so we don't see the other's tears. It would be only later that one of us would admit- yes, I thought of her today and I cried.
That is when it is time to consider each other's feelings and become selfless. Comfort the suffering heart of another, that is one of the reasons I am here on this earth. Everyday I stop to empathize with the suffering of others. As painful as our loss was, I keep in my heart others who have endured worse.
Since the wedding was in the evening, Rafa wanted to go to stone mtn, ga. on the way. The last time we visited there I was around 6 mos pregnant with Julia. As crazy as it sounds, I did the hike with many breaks to rest. Everytime I stopped I would become more inspired to continue as I saw 2 other pregnant girls who were even more far along than I was. If they could do it, I could. And one day, I was going to tell my girl all about that crazy trip and how I made it to the top.
This time I did the same trek to the top, but without a pregnant belly. I did fine all day with a few times mentioning her memory in the car on the drive up. At some point during the hike I felt an overwhelming wave of grief, pain, anger, and guilt. Was I fucking crazy to climb this while I was pregnant? No wonder I lost her. I did too much, pushed myself too far. I didn't say this to Rafa, but it was the self abusing thoughts that often happen in the minds of mothers who lost their babies this way.
I sat down on a rock and the tears just flowed. As I looked out into the blue skyline I asked "why?" I could not contain myself from just stopping and letting it all out. People passing by could see me crying, probably thinking I'm wimping out on the rest of the hike. Not that I care what people think, it's the last thing on my mind.
Then the anger set in. While I know I must allow myself to grieve, here I am sitting on a rock crying. I had more steps to take. More stones to cross. I have to keep moving and not be victimized by my loss. I make the choice to stand up and finish the hike, as grueling as it was. With each step, I focused on my breathing. Like the days of my life, I must take them one at a time...stopping when I needed to, but keep rebuilding my strength.
When I arrive at the top I felt stronger in some ways but still broken in others. I walk into the restroom area to see many mothers there with children. It's unbelievably cruel how many babies I saw around the age that Julia would have been- at a mountain top! My huge dark glasses remain on and I get out of there as soon as possible.
On the way back down, my husband feels bad that he took me to a place that triggered a memory of pregnancy. I assured him that it was not his fault. Either way, I knew the day was coming that it will be one year that we went thru this nightmare of losing her.
We both have been each others greatest supporters. We may not be on the same stages at times, but this is what it does to couples. Many times, we don't want to upset each other so we don't see the other's tears. It would be only later that one of us would admit- yes, I thought of her today and I cried.
That is when it is time to consider each other's feelings and become selfless. Comfort the suffering heart of another, that is one of the reasons I am here on this earth. Everyday I stop to empathize with the suffering of others. As painful as our loss was, I keep in my heart others who have endured worse.
Friday, April 4, 2008
rainy days and fridays
the morning she was born it was raining. i remember looking out the hospital window at the rain falling. the sky was crying and i wondered if i would ever be able to live my life normally. it was such a surreal situation, a raw agonizing pain that will always be with me.
months have passed. days go by. but when one carries the burden of grief, there is no holiday. i wake up in the morning on some days and it's the very first thing on my mind...my baby is not with me. where is she? why did this happen to me?
seeing other babies or pregnant women does not make me jealous or mad but sad that she is not with me. i only get angry when i see stupid people abuse or neglect their children. the most heart wrenching feeling in the world is to lose a child.It is a part of your soul that is torn and it feels impossible to get it back.
months have passed. days go by. but when one carries the burden of grief, there is no holiday. i wake up in the morning on some days and it's the very first thing on my mind...my baby is not with me. where is she? why did this happen to me?
seeing other babies or pregnant women does not make me jealous or mad but sad that she is not with me. i only get angry when i see stupid people abuse or neglect their children. the most heart wrenching feeling in the world is to lose a child.It is a part of your soul that is torn and it feels impossible to get it back.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
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