How does grief alter when you are a new parent after a loss? Everyday I look at my son and thank god to have such a beautiful, healthy child that melts my heart.
1.There is guilt. Guilt for the feeling of replacing your deceased child. Of course there is no replacement. Julia was a girl, a different energy, personality. There is guilt for times of mourning when you don't want to upset a toddler or small child. It's time to "put on your game face" and put your emotions in your pocket. Someday, I will tell him about his sister.
2. You begin to realize your're not alone and it was most likely not your fault, even though you may not still believe it.
3. You may be an overprotective parent. You want nothing to happen to them and as long as you can control them at this age you will do whatever possible to shield them from getting hurt, being sad, etc
4.
Your loss may have changed the way in which you live your life. For me, there is nothing in the world as valuable to me as my family. I could care less about material things, money, and any kind of desire that is going to distract me from what I have. I find pleasure in the simple things and of course every moment I can spend with my son.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
The snowball effect
I didn't expect this week to be so difficult. Out of nowhere it all hit me. In less than one month I will be going in for an amnio and then if all goes well childbirth. I just want this baby to come out screaming, healthy and alive. I'm anxious as hell,yet I'm trying to prepare myself as best I can. The emotions come up every now and then.
I made it past the new baby's room. It's blue and beautiful. I packed away all of Julia's little pink things and kept all of the neutral baby items aside for Michael. Then I found the diaper bag that was supposed to come with us to the hospital. I found diapers and all of the little prospective coming home outfits. Of course, it was difficult to see those.
My next obstacle has been whether or not to allow my friends to throw a baby shower. While I mostly have the big items I need, it's just little things like bottles, blankets, and boys clothes I have yet to buy. Of course, the idea of a baby shower is not about the gifts, but more about celebrating this baby with my friends and family. All along I have been refusing the idea of the shower, I suddenly thought I would regret not having one, like I am not doing anything to celebrate this baby. Even though, there can always be a party after he is born, not many people understand the condition of a new mom after birth. Lack of sleep, paranoia over too many people breathing on your baby (kidding), and the discomfort of childbirth recovery doesn't exactly make one want to socialize.
While I'm not sure what to do I think I will just wait it out.....
I made it past the new baby's room. It's blue and beautiful. I packed away all of Julia's little pink things and kept all of the neutral baby items aside for Michael. Then I found the diaper bag that was supposed to come with us to the hospital. I found diapers and all of the little prospective coming home outfits. Of course, it was difficult to see those.
My next obstacle has been whether or not to allow my friends to throw a baby shower. While I mostly have the big items I need, it's just little things like bottles, blankets, and boys clothes I have yet to buy. Of course, the idea of a baby shower is not about the gifts, but more about celebrating this baby with my friends and family. All along I have been refusing the idea of the shower, I suddenly thought I would regret not having one, like I am not doing anything to celebrate this baby. Even though, there can always be a party after he is born, not many people understand the condition of a new mom after birth. Lack of sleep, paranoia over too many people breathing on your baby (kidding), and the discomfort of childbirth recovery doesn't exactly make one want to socialize.
While I'm not sure what to do I think I will just wait it out.....
Monday March 15, 2010
It was almost a week that I was coming to the Dr. office for non stress tests. At this point it was no longer a non stress test. It was stressful being 35 wks and not understanding what was going on with my little bean's fluctuating activity on the monitor. But I had faith that everything would be fine. Being a Monday appt Rafa was not able to go with me. I went to the appointment without any expectations other than sitting in the recliner and reading a magazine. I distracted myself with nutrition article for nearly 2 hrs as ny dr. and rn frequently checked the monitor. while he was normally extremely active, his movements were a few and far in between. i knew he was fine. And even though I could feel him rolling around to change position every so many minutes, it was still a reading on the non stress that my dr. was considering non reactive. (scary- non reactive to me seems like no movement at all). Once again, I was sent to labor & delivery at Winter Park hospital where the same nurses monitored me a week before.
this time i was in the care of the charge nurse who had me undress (huh!?) and prep me for ultrasound. According to her she was speculating a delivery the same day. I text Rafael every update until he rushed over to the hospital. We were told the Fetal specialst Dr. Christiansen would be coming in to evaluate the situation and most likely to do an amnio. (The exact test I was due to have in a couple of days and severely dreading!)
After waiting all day in anxious agony, the dr.arrived. I think he just got off the basketball court or something, and I'm thinking, this guy was just shooting hoops and now he's going to insert a huge needle in my side?
All could do up until this point was meditate and pray. It was an uncomfortable procedure, but I was willing to endure it to see my little bean. It was uncomfortable and of course, to add to my torture, my little jumping bean moved which meant it took longer.
From that point on it was all a waiting game. If the levels in the amniotic fluid revealed lung maturity, labor would be induced. The night was long and restless for both Rafael and I. i couldn't find a single thing to distract my mind from what was to come. Sleeping was impossible since I could not move or the doppler would lose the heartbeat(or he's move), prompting an alarm to sound to reposition it. Try sleeping with that on your nerves! By 4 am, the nurse came in to inform us that the tests came back and it was a pretty sure thing I'd be delivering my beanie baby! The next thing I knew, my dr. came in to discuss options, did I want a c-section or a induction. What kind of a question as that? I knew I was not feeling like the risk of his heart rate dropping during the induction process and getting hemmorriods are not fun. While I was weary of the c sec risks, I was not in any mental capacity to push.
Everything happened so fast, from the word I was being prepped and signed a million papers until I was whisked away to the O.R. I felt like I was in a science fiction movie or kidnapped by ailens the way this anesthesiologist "student" poked at my spine. By the 5th poke I asked that the Dr. himself take over the epidural. No offense, I'd like to be able to use my legs after this is all over. The moment the anesthesia hit it was showtime. I heard the doctor say he was making the first cuts ( like I need to know this!)
One of the nurses was trying to converse with me, I was in no mood for small talk. I was praying, meditating, and focusing all of my energy to the life that was about to officially enter the world.
For the next several minutes I felt like my brilliant doctor was rumaging through my intestines like a raccoon through a dumpster.It was undeniably the strangest feeling and along with the nurse anesthetist trying to position a hand mirror so I would see the baby, only she was showing me the surgery that was taking place. Having had watched other surgeries and seeing all the blood and guts nothing quite prepares you when the tables are turned.
Within minutes I heard the cry of my son. Nothing can ever be so comforting than to give birth to a screaming healthy baby who peed, yes sprayed all over the OR. It was the funniest thing but I was too shocked to laugh or cry. Rafael was the first to hold him and they brought him to me. I kissed the forehead of this beautiful little swaddled stranger. Soon they brought me to recovery where I stayed not even one hour without my son. I was very adamant about letting them know I wanted him right back where he belonged.
I had waited three years to hold this child and once he is in my arms, there's no letting go :) It was that night I came to the realization of never knowing a night of sleep again in my life and i didn't care.
We spent that night and every other taking turns holding him while we tried to sleep.
I couldn't take my eyes off of him, I kept remembering the song "Don't want to close my eyes" by aerosmith, because I really didn't want to miss a thing.
It was almost a week that I was coming to the Dr. office for non stress tests. At this point it was no longer a non stress test. It was stressful being 35 wks and not understanding what was going on with my little bean's fluctuating activity on the monitor. But I had faith that everything would be fine. Being a Monday appt Rafa was not able to go with me. I went to the appointment without any expectations other than sitting in the recliner and reading a magazine. I distracted myself with nutrition article for nearly 2 hrs as ny dr. and rn frequently checked the monitor. while he was normally extremely active, his movements were a few and far in between. i knew he was fine. And even though I could feel him rolling around to change position every so many minutes, it was still a reading on the non stress that my dr. was considering non reactive. (scary- non reactive to me seems like no movement at all). Once again, I was sent to labor & delivery at Winter Park hospital where the same nurses monitored me a week before.
this time i was in the care of the charge nurse who had me undress (huh!?) and prep me for ultrasound. According to her she was speculating a delivery the same day. I text Rafael every update until he rushed over to the hospital. We were told the Fetal specialst Dr. Christiansen would be coming in to evaluate the situation and most likely to do an amnio. (The exact test I was due to have in a couple of days and severely dreading!)
After waiting all day in anxious agony, the dr.arrived. I think he just got off the basketball court or something, and I'm thinking, this guy was just shooting hoops and now he's going to insert a huge needle in my side?
All could do up until this point was meditate and pray. It was an uncomfortable procedure, but I was willing to endure it to see my little bean. It was uncomfortable and of course, to add to my torture, my little jumping bean moved which meant it took longer.
From that point on it was all a waiting game. If the levels in the amniotic fluid revealed lung maturity, labor would be induced. The night was long and restless for both Rafael and I. i couldn't find a single thing to distract my mind from what was to come. Sleeping was impossible since I could not move or the doppler would lose the heartbeat(or he's move), prompting an alarm to sound to reposition it. Try sleeping with that on your nerves! By 4 am, the nurse came in to inform us that the tests came back and it was a pretty sure thing I'd be delivering my beanie baby! The next thing I knew, my dr. came in to discuss options, did I want a c-section or a induction. What kind of a question as that? I knew I was not feeling like the risk of his heart rate dropping during the induction process and getting hemmorriods are not fun. While I was weary of the c sec risks, I was not in any mental capacity to push.
Everything happened so fast, from the word I was being prepped and signed a million papers until I was whisked away to the O.R. I felt like I was in a science fiction movie or kidnapped by ailens the way this anesthesiologist "student" poked at my spine. By the 5th poke I asked that the Dr. himself take over the epidural. No offense, I'd like to be able to use my legs after this is all over. The moment the anesthesia hit it was showtime. I heard the doctor say he was making the first cuts ( like I need to know this!)
One of the nurses was trying to converse with me, I was in no mood for small talk. I was praying, meditating, and focusing all of my energy to the life that was about to officially enter the world.
For the next several minutes I felt like my brilliant doctor was rumaging through my intestines like a raccoon through a dumpster.It was undeniably the strangest feeling and along with the nurse anesthetist trying to position a hand mirror so I would see the baby, only she was showing me the surgery that was taking place. Having had watched other surgeries and seeing all the blood and guts nothing quite prepares you when the tables are turned.
Within minutes I heard the cry of my son. Nothing can ever be so comforting than to give birth to a screaming healthy baby who peed, yes sprayed all over the OR. It was the funniest thing but I was too shocked to laugh or cry. Rafael was the first to hold him and they brought him to me. I kissed the forehead of this beautiful little swaddled stranger. Soon they brought me to recovery where I stayed not even one hour without my son. I was very adamant about letting them know I wanted him right back where he belonged.
I had waited three years to hold this child and once he is in my arms, there's no letting go :) It was that night I came to the realization of never knowing a night of sleep again in my life and i didn't care.
We spent that night and every other taking turns holding him while we tried to sleep.
I couldn't take my eyes off of him, I kept remembering the song "Don't want to close my eyes" by aerosmith, because I really didn't want to miss a thing.
Past due
Everytime I look at my son, I am extremely grateful. Not only did this little miracle arrive healthy without any breathing intervention- he was one month early. This was due to the quick thinking of my doctor, Bernard Despres.
The emotional roller coaster of a pregnancy is enough, but when there has been a previous loss with a full term delivery involved, there is much nervous anticipation. I did everything possible and more to arrive at my due date with my sanity and health in check. i will admit I was very anxious about the delivery and how far the doctors will allow me to go before an induction.
Anytime I meet another mom-to-be, I strive NOT to be the cautionary tale. But I want women to be aware of not only what's going on with their bodies, but also not to be ashamed of stepping up to medical professionals when they KNOW something is not quite right. Today's standards of care leave much to be desired, especially when insurance companies have all the control. This is not about money people, this is life coming into the world. What is the value of a mother in our society? a woman?
Case in point, a woman I know is nearly 3 wks past her due date. Unfortunately, she too had a late term loss previously. I can only imagine what is going on in her mind. Her doctors keep dismissing her when they should have induced her weeks ago. Without knowing her history, I do know they told her there was no found cause of her loss. This should be even more reason for her doctors to act now. I've spend 3 years studying the causes of stillbirths and according to the high risk experts, many times it can be reoccurring.
. This is not the first time many times, it is due to a lack of insurance. Sure, everyone wants to say "oh well, she should have insurance". Easier said than done right? Many people don't know that insurance companies will often deny pregnancies after a loss- particularly late term losses. Disgustingly sad, but true.
My outrage is, what is going on in America, in the state of Florida where insurance companies allow women to go without prenatal coverage. Why must people be penalized for miscarriages and stillbirths?
Yes, there are people who abuse the system and have a million kids to keep getting financial support. We judge those people and they don't care. We have no idea what others may be battling. It should be more about people than it is about money.
The emotional roller coaster of a pregnancy is enough, but when there has been a previous loss with a full term delivery involved, there is much nervous anticipation. I did everything possible and more to arrive at my due date with my sanity and health in check. i will admit I was very anxious about the delivery and how far the doctors will allow me to go before an induction.
Anytime I meet another mom-to-be, I strive NOT to be the cautionary tale. But I want women to be aware of not only what's going on with their bodies, but also not to be ashamed of stepping up to medical professionals when they KNOW something is not quite right. Today's standards of care leave much to be desired, especially when insurance companies have all the control. This is not about money people, this is life coming into the world. What is the value of a mother in our society? a woman?
Case in point, a woman I know is nearly 3 wks past her due date. Unfortunately, she too had a late term loss previously. I can only imagine what is going on in her mind. Her doctors keep dismissing her when they should have induced her weeks ago. Without knowing her history, I do know they told her there was no found cause of her loss. This should be even more reason for her doctors to act now. I've spend 3 years studying the causes of stillbirths and according to the high risk experts, many times it can be reoccurring.
. This is not the first time many times, it is due to a lack of insurance. Sure, everyone wants to say "oh well, she should have insurance". Easier said than done right? Many people don't know that insurance companies will often deny pregnancies after a loss- particularly late term losses. Disgustingly sad, but true.
My outrage is, what is going on in America, in the state of Florida where insurance companies allow women to go without prenatal coverage. Why must people be penalized for miscarriages and stillbirths?
Yes, there are people who abuse the system and have a million kids to keep getting financial support. We judge those people and they don't care. We have no idea what others may be battling. It should be more about people than it is about money.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Time flies when we are not looking. For those of us who have lost a child at any age, for every year there are missed birthday parties, milestones and what ifs that plague our mind. The date 8/30 is a painful reminder of a day that I will never forget. An angel that I carried with me for 9 months who kicked, smiled and fluttered like a butterfly had left.
Grief is a life sentence on a rollercoaster. Emotions are unexpected, just when you think the ride is smooth, another reminder sends you for a whirl. I imagine my little girl starting preschool and wonder what she would look like.
This subject is one that we keep to ourselves. No one wants to see us in pain or holding on to something so painful. The sad fact is that we really have no choice. It's not something we can really ever forget or move on from. We do move on but in the back of our minds time will remind us....how many years ago, how it has changed us. What I have let go of is the what ifs. I cannot change what happened and I know it was not in my control.
Grief is a life sentence on a rollercoaster. Emotions are unexpected, just when you think the ride is smooth, another reminder sends you for a whirl. I imagine my little girl starting preschool and wonder what she would look like.
This subject is one that we keep to ourselves. No one wants to see us in pain or holding on to something so painful. The sad fact is that we really have no choice. It's not something we can really ever forget or move on from. We do move on but in the back of our minds time will remind us....how many years ago, how it has changed us. What I have let go of is the what ifs. I cannot change what happened and I know it was not in my control.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
to my son
Michael Dominic Moser
In a few hours, God Bless, you will be in our arms. It's 2 am and I am cautiously listening to your every heartbeat. There is no feeling in the world like the worry of everything being alright. I wonder what you will look like, but most importantly that you will arrive safely. tired dad is sleeping in a chair, poor thing.
I have so many hopes for you. My heart is so full of love and my head full of worry. I've known from the moment I saw a positive confirmation of your creation that I would never be the same. Everyday of this journey has been a careful anticipation of your arrival. And here we are the last hours that we will be connected physically, but I know that we will always be spiritually connected. Naturally, I will always do my best to protect you and shield you from the pains of the world. Someday when you have your own children you could only know how i am feeling. It is a powerful love when you are a parent. We will have times when you are set on doing your own thing and may be resistant but I understand you will grow into being your own person. Every parent wants the best for their child- for you I know there is a heart of gold with the best intentions. In my dreams we have met, I cannot wait to meet you for real.More than anything in this world, we love you and always will.
In a few hours, God Bless, you will be in our arms. It's 2 am and I am cautiously listening to your every heartbeat. There is no feeling in the world like the worry of everything being alright. I wonder what you will look like, but most importantly that you will arrive safely. tired dad is sleeping in a chair, poor thing.
I have so many hopes for you. My heart is so full of love and my head full of worry. I've known from the moment I saw a positive confirmation of your creation that I would never be the same. Everyday of this journey has been a careful anticipation of your arrival. And here we are the last hours that we will be connected physically, but I know that we will always be spiritually connected. Naturally, I will always do my best to protect you and shield you from the pains of the world. Someday when you have your own children you could only know how i am feeling. It is a powerful love when you are a parent. We will have times when you are set on doing your own thing and may be resistant but I understand you will grow into being your own person. Every parent wants the best for their child- for you I know there is a heart of gold with the best intentions. In my dreams we have met, I cannot wait to meet you for real.More than anything in this world, we love you and always will.
34
Today I am 34. Mid 30's do not make me feel old, just to wonder where have the years gone. No regrets, life is a series of events and moments that add to the other. Nothing you have ever done, seen or heard has not calculated to this moment. It makes us who we are. Our soul is in a contract that we agreed to long ago. Yes something's in that contract suck, but these events are of some other influence and in the end we will only realize.
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